Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone
by procrastin8or951
Summary: What ever happened to Sirius Black, infamous Marauder? Everything in his life is going wrong: his grades slip, his abuse from his parents is no longer a secret. His friends know he's sick, but they can't stop him. Anorexia is all he has left. MWPP
1. Chapter 1

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter One**

It started out as a punishment. It was just being sent to bed without dinner. It was sleeping through breakfast the next morning. It was missing a meal because his jaw was bruised in the shape of his father's fist and chewing was hard. It was not being hungry because when he was out of sight sometimes they forgot him and he could pretend he was never there to begin with.

He was hungry. The signals made it from his stomach to his brain that he'd been empty too long. But some signals are stronger than others. The bruises across his ribs were louder, more powerful than anything his stomach could hope to say. He remained empty.

Regulus stole food for him, and then he'd eat. Little bits of bread, everything kept as long as possible. His throat tightened at the thought of the days when Regulus wasn't home or wasn't able to sneak him food. He couldn't leave this room, couldn't risk it. Not after the last time.

_Orion loomed over his son, his dark eyes burning with fury. Sirius stood defiantly in the middle of the living room, refusing to look away from his father's livid gaze. _

_ "You no good little traitor," his father spat, taking a step forward, closing the gap between him and Sirius to only a foot. "How dare you even speak to that muggle-loving scum?"_

_ Before he could retort, a fist came from nowhere and struck the side of his face, knocking him to the floor. He blinked until the black spots cleared from his vision and stood. _

_ "Bad enough you were sorted into Gryffindor, with all the Mudblood filth." Another punch, this time to his mouth, and Sirius felt his lip split, felt the warm blood flow down his chin and drip onto his shirt. _

_ "Anything's better than Slytherin," he snapped, regaining his balance. _

_ "How dare you?!" his father roared, shoving Sirius to the floor._

_ Before he could stand, there was a sharp kick to his ribs and he gasped in pain. _

_ "You're so weak," his father taunted. "Pathetic." _

_ Sirius, rose shakily, a hand protecting his side. Orion was baiting him, he knew, waiting for an excuse to really hurt him. Sirius wouldn't give him the satisfaction. He remained silent. _

_ "You ruin everything," his father continued. "You've soiled the name of 'Black' with your treachery." _

_ Sirius glared daggers at Orion, but still refused to speak. If anything, he wished his name wasn't Black; that he could refuse to be affiliated with this family. _

Orion had beaten him, left him lying on the dusty rug of the living room blinking blood from his eyes.

When he had summoned the energy, Sirius had hauled himself up to his room, where despite his pain, he denied himself the luxury of collapsing onto his bed and giving in to unconsciousness. He'd never give his father the satisfaction.

He'd been trying to leave, trying to go to James' for the rest of the summer, but he'd known going in that it was almost too unlikely to bother with. Almost.

It was the Gryffindor, that courage to the point of recklessness, the sheer obstinacy that made him ask in the first place. Every part of him knew what would happen if he asked to spend the summer with what the Blacks considered blood traitors, and yet that irresponsible bravery had made him, in that moment, fail to care.

At least, he thought, there was something left of a Gryffindor in him. Something to remind him where he used to belong, something to whisper back against the screaming doubts that said the Sorting Hat was wrong, that he should have been in Slytherin.

It was the greatest cause of his parents' disapproval, his being sorted into what they viewed as the wrong house. It had crossed his mind more than once that something as simple as his house at school should mean nothing to his parents, but in the same moment he knew it was not the sorting itself but its implications. It was the confirmation that he was different, the verification that every lesson they had attempted to literally beat into him over the years had not sunk in, that there was something about him that was wired differently, that he would not be like them. Maybe he could not. Even if maybe sometimes he wanted to.

Gryffindors are brave, daring, chivalrous. They have strong morals and the guts to follow through on them. It was what they were known for, all they were known for. And the more Sirius considered it, the more he knew that wasn't him. It used to be. When he'd hung all the Gryffindor banners all over his room, with Permanent Sticking Charms no less, it had been him. It had been him when he befriending James, Remus, and Peter, when he had become an animagus.

But the summer had been long. Weeks on end to do nothing but consider everything, over and over again, until he was positive that it was a mistake. Because the cunning, the lying, the self-preservation, it was all starting to sound a little familiar. Hadn't he spent the entire summer thus far doing exactly that? Avoiding and lying, doing anything and everything to survive? Had he not thought, more than once, that the ends justify the means, that no one would know if he acquiesced to his parents demands just to make it through the last few weeks.

But the most telling thing of all, the thing he lied about the very most, even to himself, the thing he hated himself for even as he knew it was true, that one little thought that had been there for every blow, every curse, every word. The one thought that proved, beyond a reasonable doubt, that he was not a true Gryffindor, was lurking just beneath the surface. He should have been in Slytherin, he knew, because there was a failure of that Gryffindor bravery when he thought, for that moment, that not only should he have been in Slytherin, but that he almost wished he was, because it all would have been so much easier if he could just be everything they all wanted him to be.


	2. Chapter 2

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Two**

The rattling of trolleys and yells of old friends echoed off the walls of Platform Nine and Three Quarters, a cacophony of excitement.

Peter tugged his trolley to a place next to the train, then leaned against his school trunk, waiting for his friends to come help him drag all his stuff into a compartment.

He felt conspicuously alone in the crowd of animated teenagers who shrieked greetings to those they hadn't seen since last year. He hadn't seen James and Remus since they met in Diagon Alley two weeks before, and he hadn't seen Sirius since June. He had spent his summer alone, and now he was waiting by himself again.

Peter hoped no one would see him and try to start something, not now. Not when his friends couldn't help him out.

He kept a sharp eye out for anyone he knew, and was rewarded only a few minutes later when one of them appeared.

Remus slowly made his way through the crowd, his nondescript brown hair causing him to almost blend in with those around him. All that set him apart was the paleness of his skin; it looked as though he had not seen day light in months. His expression was serious, though patient, as he politely requested admittance through the crowd.

Upon seeing Peter, an easy smile spread across his face and his pace quickened until he was standing with his friend.

"Hello, Peter," Remus said.

"Hey, Remus," Peter replied, trying to hide his relief at finally having some company. "D'you know where James and Sirius are?"

"Haven't seen them. I haven't seen Sirius all summer, and he barely wrote," Remus said, a small frown playing across his features.

"I'm sure he was just busy," Peter said, already searching the crowd again.

His eyes lit on another familiar face as James made his way through the crowd. James, though, did not have to ask to be let through. The masses of people seemed to part to allow the Quidditch hero passage, reaching out to slap his hand as he walked past. James grinned easily, obviously enjoying the attention.

The features of James' face were strong and definite, from his perfectly shaped nose to his hazel eyes behind his glasses to the even, white teeth that showed when he smiled. He looked sure of himself, and everyone could see the confidence that radiated from him, and they respected him for it.

James messed up his hair, and Peter watched with a mixture of fascination and awe. Any other guy would look stupid with messy hair, but on James, it worked. He didn't just look like he had just gotten off his broomstick; he looked like he had just gotten off his broomstick after diving a hundred feet towards the ground at high speed, snagging the snitch just before his opponent, and thus securing the Quidditch cup for Gryffindor yet again. And all the others certainly acted like that was exactly what he had done.

James stopped in front of Remus and Peter, still grinning. "Hey."

They nodded back at him.

"Where's Sirius?" James asked, suddenly seeming to realize his friend was not yet present.

"Over there," Peter pointed, having just spotted him.

As it had done for James, the crowd parted for Sirius. But unlike James, Sirius didn't seem to relish the attention. He walked past, his dark eyes set on where he was going, rather than what was going on around him.

Though both dark-haired and handsome, no one would ever have confused Sirius for James. Sirius had the sort of features that made him look both strong and delicate. He had clearly lost weight over the summer, as he always seemed to during holidays from school, but even this did nothing but accentuate his features and make him all the more good-looking.

His pale skin seemed even more so in contrast with his straight, midnight-black hair, which fell to his shoulders, though the pieces around his face just barely brushed his cheekbones.

People nodded and greeted him as he passed, though they did not cheer for him as they had for James. Something about his expression told them that now was not the time.

Peter watched this, and he wished he was more like Sirius and James. He wished he was as popular as they were, as good-looking as they were. Instead, he was short and round, with dull brown hair. He had a pointed face and small eyes. The only reason he didn't get picked on constantly was that Sirius and James simply didn't allow it. He was grateful for that, but he would rather be like them himself than have to depend on them.

As he walked up to his friends, Sirius' expression changed from one of extreme focus to one of happiness. He halted in front of them and smiled.

"Hey. Feels like forever since I saw you."

"It has been, Padfoot," James said, pretending to scowl. "What, are you trying to ditch Peter or something?"

Sirius laughed. "No, Prongs, I was actually trying to get rid of you. Too bad you're too thick to realize it."

James and Sirius slapped palms and shook hands.

"Should we get on the train?" Peter broke in anxiously, checking the clock on the wall and seeing they only had a few minutes.

"Yes, we should," Remus said, beginning to drag his trunk towards the nearest door.

Within ten minutes they were settled into a compartment with the myriad of things they needed for school, as the train slowly began to creep forward and they started the long journey to Hogwarts.


	3. Chapter 3

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Three**

Tiny sparks of light flecked the deep blue sky over the scarlet train that chugged efficiently along to the massive castle that served as a school.

Inside the last compartment, James, Sirius, and Remus laughed as Peter gingerly felt his eyebrows, gauging how badly they were singed from the latest round of Exploding Snap.

James pulled out his wand and muttered an incantation, trying to fix Peter's eyebrows. However, all he managed to do was make them grow very large and bushy until they were obstructing Wormtail's vision.

Sirius and James roared with laughter, collapsing against each other.

"You did that on purpose!" Peter accused, standing and trying to move toward them. Instead, he tripped over James' legs and toppled to the floor with a loud _thump!_

Sirius laughed until his ribs ached, until he was so short of breath that he could barely gasp the correct spell to help Wormtail. As his friend picked himself up, grumbling under his breath, Sirius grinned even wider; indeed, he felt as though his smile was permanently glued to his face.

"We should probably change into our robes," Remus commented, peering out of the window at the darkness. "We should be almost there."

Sirius' smile faded fast. _No. They can't see. I can't change here_. But he always had before. They would think it odd if he didn't now.

_Do it quick, before they see you_. He grabbed some robes from his school trunk, as his friends did the same.

He quickly tugged off his muggle T-shirt, even as he kicked off his shoes.

"Sirius, mate, what happened?" James asked, suddenly.

"What?" Sirius turned to face him, still shirtless, silently cursing. He looked down at his torso, where he saw his skin brightly colored with bruises. "Oh, that."

_It had been too good to last. _

_It was the day before he was to return to Hogwarts, and he had been hoping to be able to slip past unnoticed by his father. After all, he had been forgotten for a couple weeks now, spending all his time in his room. _

_"SIRIUS!" his father roared from the foot of the stairs. _

_As he straightened from where he had been bent packing things into his trunk, Sirius felt his stomach sink. _

_He strode across the room and opened the door, then trudged down the stairs. _

_"Yeah?" he asked, standing just inside the door of the living room where his father sat on the overstuffed couch._

_"Don' you say 'yeah' t 'me, you filthy traitor," his father slurred, tottering to his feet. _

_Sirius made no reply, only glanced at the bottle of fire whiskey that stood upon the coffee table, estimating how much his father had had to drink. 'Too much,' he realized, as his father stumbled across the room and clamped a hand on his shoulder. _

_He instinctively tried to pull back, but Orion's grip was much too tight. Then, the foul stench of alcohol threatened to suffocate Sirius as his father began to speak. _

_"Nasty little traitor, y' are. Shouldn' let you go back t' that school with the Mudblood scum," Orion intoned. "But they're es'pecting you now, aren' they?" _

_Sirius didn't speak. His father couldn't keep him from Hogwarts, he knew. His father knew it, too. So what was this about? _

_"I'll jus' have t' remind you how t' act, won' I?" Orion murmured, before hitting his son across the face with the back of his hand. _

_Sirius felt the heavy ring his father wore bite into the skin of his cheek even as he turned his head away from the impact. _

_"Can' let you forget, can' I?" Orion asked rhetorically, before balling up his fist and punching Sirius in the stomach. _

_Gasping for breath, Sirius almost doubled over, and his father's grip on his shoulder tightened, almost to the point of crushing the bones there. _

_"You're slow an' stupid, Sirius. An' fat, too. You'll never amoun' t' anything," his father taunted, hitting him again. "Isn' that right?" _

_Sirius remained silent, refusing to even look at his father, too ashamed to meet his eyes. _

_"Look at me when I speak, boy!" Orion shouted, shaking him. Sirius stared at the carpet. _

_Orion seized a chunk of Sirius' hair and jerked his head upwards, forcing his son to meet his eyes. "You are worthless. Isn' that right?" he growled. _

_"Yes," Sirius whispered, even as his father hit him again. _

_Orion made a noise of disgust and threw his son from him. Sirius landed in a crumpled heap on the floor, where he was forced to curl up in a ball to protect himself against the sharp kicks that pummeled his back and sides until darkness tinged his vision, unconsciousness looming tantalizingly just out of reach. With one final kick, he succumbed, his body going limp as his mind took him away from the horrible place he was forced to live in. _

_The next morning, Walburga had healed the cuts and bruises to his face, feeling that there was no need for anyone to see. She left the other injuries as a reminder of just what would happen should he so much as step out of line once…_

"I got in a fight with some muggles in that park near my house. About four of them," Sirius lied. Then he grinned. "Woulda won, too, if I'd had my wand."

James laughed, but Peter looked perplexed. "We can't do magic outside of school," he said.

"Obviously, Wormtail. He was kidding," James said, rolling his eyes. Sirius took the opportunity to pull his robes over his head. "Hey, Padfoot, you never did tell us why the Noble and Most Ancient Blacks took your wand."

"Oh, yeah," Sirius said. "I threatened to jinx Regulus, so my mum thought it would be a good idea to take away the temptation." He made a face. "I wouldn't have hurt him… too bad."

There was light laughter after this comment, and Sirius joined, using the happy sound to disguise his discomfort at the personal questions of such a sensitive nature.

"So, James," Sirius began, "does the conquest continue?"

And with that, James was off on a ramble about Lily Evans, and Sirius sat back in his seat, relieved. The attention was finally not on him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Four**

The four friends joined the throng of students on the soaked platform under the pouring rain, anxious to get to the carriages that would provide shelter from the icy water.

Sirius wrapped his arms around himself tightly, suppressing a shiver. It was much too cold for the beginning of September.

"Look, there's Snivellus," James said quietly in Sirius' ear, causing him to grin. "Think anyone'll notice if I jinx him now?"

Sirius laughed. "I think Lily Evans might."

James turned quickly, scanning the crowd for the familiar face. Upon spotting her, he looked almost relieved for a moment, and Sirius was pretty sure it was due to the fact that Lily was nowhere near Snape.

"She'd never see," James said, pulling his wand from his pocket. "What spell should I use?"

"Bat-Bogey hex?" Sirius suggested, grinning evilly.

"Come on, you two, I've found an empty carriage!" Remus yelled over the noise of the crowd.

James let out an exaggerated sigh and shoved his wand back into his pocket. "I suppose it'll have to wait, then."

The two made their way through the mass of students and climbed into the carriage, which for some odd reason smelled like straw. Sirius pushed his sopping hair from his face, trying to get it out of his eyes enough to be able to see his friends.

"What were you doing?" Peter asked curiously.

"Plotting against Snivellus," Sirius answered as James shook his head in a way that was meant to mess up his hair but instead sent water spraying all over his friends. "Hey!"

"Sorry, mate," James said, grinning infuriatingly as he swiped his wet hair away from his face.

The carriage lurched forward, beginning the journey up to the castle as thunder rumbled outside.

"You really shouldn't…" Remus trailed off at a look from Sirius. "Well, I mean…"

"You have to say that, Moony, you're a prefect. But now, as you've fairly told us off, consider your duty fulfilled. You are free to once again be a normal person," Sirius joked.

The carriage halted suddenly, and the door swung open. They clambered out and made a dash for the massive wooden doors that were the entrance to Hogwarts.

Once inside, Sirius was careful not to slip on the wet stone floors of the incredibly sized entrance hall. The hourglasses for each house flanked the entrance opening to the grand staircase, which rose spectacularly on the opposite end of the hall. Students veered to the left, into the open doors of the Great Hall.

As they stepped into the Great Hall and headed towards the Gryffindor table, Sirius began to feel overwhelmed by the din that echoed off the high walls of the room and seemed to rise right up past the enchanted ceiling into the stormy sky above.

"Sirius, c'mon!" James bellowed, and Sirius realized he had slowed to a snail's pace. He hurried to sit with his friends.

The rest of the students wandered in and took their seats, chattering excitedly, hugging people they had not seen since the previous year. Sirius and James were greeted by most everyone in Gryffindor. Even Lily Evans smiled and said hello, much to the delight of James, who Sirius was sure saw her greeting as a turning point, as she had always hated him.

Finally, a door on the side of the hall opened and the first years filed in and stood before them, shuffling nervously.

After the sorting, Dumbledore stood, his magnificent purple robes drawing the attention of all the students, ready to make his speech.

"It is my great pleasure to welcome you to another year of Hogwarts. There are many things to discuss, but for now, I believe it is time to indulge ourselves in the meal that has been prepared. Tuck in!"

Dumbledore took his seat as the golden plates filled with food.

Sirius felt the knot in his stomach contract as he anxiously surveyed everyone heaping food onto their plates and digging in. He bit his lip nervously, then stopped himself. _You are Sirius Black. People expect you to be confident and cool. Act like it._

"Aren't you going to eat, Sirius?" Remus asked suddenly, in between bites of mashed potatoes.

"I'm not really hungry," Sirius said, trying to make his tone convincing.

"Are you sick?" Remus asked, frowning. "You didn't eat anything on the train, either."

"I'm not sick, just….not hungry," Sirius replied, hoping Remus would drop it.

"I've never seen you skip a meal," Remus said, looking a little suspicious.

Sirius quickly grabbed the nearest food item, which happened to be chicken, and put some on his plate. The chicken was then accompanied by some potatoes and some broccoli.

"I'll eat, okay?" he said, putting some broccoli in his mouth quickly, before Remus could response. It felt strange in his mouth, being the first thing he had eaten in a few days.

Peter watched the whole exchange while nibbling in a rather rodent-like manner at some corn on the cob.

"Who d'you think the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor will be?" James wondered, having missed the entire conversation, as he had been watching Lily Evans.

"Dunno," Sirius said, grateful for the distraction. "Seat's empty, still."

"I heard it was going to be John Dawlish," Remus reported.

"Whosat?" James asked, his mouth so full he could barely speak. Sirius looked away from this and pushed his food around his plate.

"He's that auror who got outstanding's on all his N.E.W.T. exams," Remus explained patiently.

"Would've thought he would be here by now, though, wouldn't you?" Sirius mused. "Seems like he'd be the type to be on time."

"Maybe he got held up with some auror stuff," Peter suggested, almost excited. "Maybe he had to fight Dark wizards or something!"

"You live in a fiction book, don't you, Peter?" James commented snidely, causing Peter to blush and look down at his plate.

"He probably just had some paperwork to do before he came here," Remus suggested gently. Wormtail looked up at him, grateful for his kinder tone.

Sirius lost track of the discussion after that, too preoccupied with quietly vanishing bits of his food to really pay attention. To his great relief, eventually the food disappeared from all of the plates, and Dumbledore once again stood.

"I'd like to give some standard reminders. The Forbidden Forest if off-limits, as always. Magic is prohibited in the hallways, as are a myriad of other things I will not mention now, as the list is quite extensive. You may see the full list on Mr. Filch's door. Now that we are all well-fed, it is time to rest. Good night to you all, and have a pleasant beginning of term. Prefects, please escort the first years to their dormitories."

Remus jumped up and quickly strode to the head of the Gryffindor table, calling for first years.

The other marauders got up, ready to make their way to the common room. As he stood, the room spun around Sirius and he stumbled. Someone caught his arm, and he quickly righted himself.

"Okay, mate?" James asked, frowning.

"Yeah. Yeah, just tripped," Sirius said, grinning weakly. James laughed and let go of Sirius' arm.

"And here I was thinking Peter was the clumsy one."

They made their way up the many staircases to the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Mandrake," James said, and the portrait swung open.

The common room was the same as always, with overstuffed red chairs and couches, a merrily crackling fire, and tables at which to do their homework. On either side was a spiral staircase, leading to the dormitories.

James, Sirius, and Peter headed up the staircase on the right, into the dormitory that they had stayed in since their first year.

Their things were already in the dormitory, each boy's trunk at the foot of his bed. The scarlet hangings of the four posters were open, as were the curtains around the window.

The three friends quickly changed and got into bed, already exhausted from their long day of travel. Remus came into the dormitory within a few minutes and also climbed into bed, first extinguishing the light.

Though he was exhausted, Sirius lay awake staring at the closed hangings of his four poster long after he heard Peter begin to snore. His eyes ached from tiredness, and yet they wouldn't stay closed.

_He lay awake for hours, unable to sleep. He stared at the clock, counting down the hour until he would leave for Hogwarts, to be free of his family for another year. _

_His whole body ached. Not the dull ache of a distant injury but the sharp throbbing of a newly inflicted one. He touched the hand-shaped bruise on his shoulder where his father had held him still, fingered the cut on his cheek from the family crest. _

_How would he explain that cut and the black eye to his friends tomorrow? Telling them the truth was out of the question. No one would ever think Sirius Black was so weak as to let that happen, not over his dead body. He couldn't even tell James, his best friend, what it was like at home for him. James' family was vastly different from his own, it was clear to Sirius that James would not be able to even conceive of what went on in the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. _

_Sirius had often envied James' family, his home, but had grown to treat it more as his own. When he visited James' house, Mr. and Mrs. Potter treated him as they did their own son. It was unfamiliar to him, strange for an adult to act parent-like to him, in a way that didn't mean beating him, screaming at him, or hexing him. It was nice, just strange. He wasn't sure how to act. _

_He had to get up in only two hours to get ready. In five or so he would be on his way to the train station, and in less than six, he would be free. _

_With that though, Sirius had finally drifted off to sleep._

Sirius smiled to himself, glad he was finally at Hogwarts, away from his crazy family. He had missed his school and his friends. His whole life, really, the life that was lived outside the confines of his room at the Black house.

His stomach growled and he willed it to be silent. Remus slept lightly, he knew, and he didn't want to explain why he was still awake. He wasn't even sure why he was still awake.

Unless it was that he was so cold. Very, very cold, as if it was snowing in the dormitory. He pulled his blankets higher and closed his eyes tightly.

_You're finally home_, he told himself, and he felt happy. With that thought, he finally fell asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Five**

"Sirius. Sirius!" Remus yelled. "Wake up!"

"Mmmm," Sirius groaned, pulling his pillow over his head.

"You're going to make us miss breakfast!" James said, as he tugged at his school tie, trying to get it on properly.

"Time is it?" Sirius asked, peeking out from under the pillow.

"Eight thirty. Breakfast already started!" Peter said as he tied his shoe.

Sirius sat up and yawned. "We've never been this late before." He got out of bed and stretched.

"You usually wake us up at the crack of dawn," Remus pointed out.

"Would you hurry up?" James demanded impatiently. "I'm hungry!"

"Just go without me," Sirius said. "I still have to shower."

"What about you?" Peter asked.

"I'll grab something later," Sirius said, heading for the bathroom.

"If you're sure…" Remus said hesitantly.

"You heard the man! Let's go!" James exclaimed already half way out the door.

Remus and Peter followed him out and they all headed down to the Great Hall, where most of the school was already gathered, eating breakfast.

"Budge up," James said to a small first year boy who immediately scrambled out of the way. Taking the vacated seat, James put some of everything in his reach onto his plate and began to eat.

Remus shook his head and turned to a fifth year near them. "Post come yet?"

"Nope," he replied.

"Thanks."

"Forget something, Moony?" James asked.

"No, I want to read the paper," Remus replied, pouring syrup on his pancakes.

"Can't believe Sirius didn't wake us up this morning," Peter commented.

"Yeah, it's weird," James said dismissively, reaching for the bacon.

Remus frowned. Ever since their first year, they had quit bothering to set an alarm. Sirius had always been so energetic, so completely unable to sleep past six in the morning, that they had never had a need for it. In fact, they had had to convince Sirius to let them sleep in a bit, even though he was awake and wanted company. Even when they had all stayed at James' house during previous summers, Sirius had been up and about insanely early.

As the food on the table finally vanished and Professor McGonagall began walking down the table to pass out schedules, Sirius finally showed up. He was out of breath, as though he had run all the way from the dormitories.

"Did I miss breakfast?" he asked, looking dismayed.

"Yup," James said, scooting over to make room for his friend.

"I have some chocolate in my bag, if you want," Peter offered.

Sirius made a face. "Too early for candy, but thanks."

"Potter," McGonagall said, coming up behind James and handing him a schedule. "Black."

"What do we have first?" Peter asked, almost anxiously.

"Transfiguration," Sirius said, scanning the schedule. "Damn. Double Potions with the Slytherins this afternoon."

"I don't have Potions…" Peter trailed off.

"Yes, I'm afraid you didn't score high enough on your O.W.L. to take a N.E.W.T. level Potions class," McGonagall said, then moved on.

"Too bad, Wormtail," Sirius said. "Guess you'll have to survive without us for the afternoon."

"We'd better hurry, or we'll be late to Transfiguration," Remus said, so they stood up to leave.

* * *

"This year, you will be learning how to transfigure not only objects, but humans as well," Professor McGonagall began. "Transfiguring humans is very difficult, so I expect that you will all approach this with the utmost care and caution."

She set them to work attempting to change the shape of their noses, using the mirrors she had placed on their desks.

"What sort of nose should I have, Sirius?" James asked, jokingly.

"Dunno, James. How about a pig nose?" Sirius suggested. "It'd fit you perfectly."

"Your nose it is, then," James laughed. He then adopted a look of great concentration as he stared at Sirius, with his wand pointed at himself. He mumbled the incantation under his breath and a strange tingling took over. "How'd I do?"

"I think it's off-center," Sirius said, then pointed his wand at himself. He too, mumbled an incantation, and then his nose was no longer his own.

"It looks funny," James said, pointing at Sirius' nose. "Too big."

"If you think so," Sirius said, shrugging. Then he grinned. "I suppose you'd know, seeing as it's yours."

"Hey!" James pointed his wand at Sirius. Sirius' nose abruptly changed shape into something rather similar to a tomato.

Immediately, Sirius retaliated with his own spell. James glanced in the mirror to find a very pointed nose, somewhat like that of a rat.

"Potter! Black!" McGonagall snapped. "What do you think you are doing?"

"Just practicing the spell, Professor," Sirius said innocently.

"You will not practice on other people! You had better take this seriously. Is that understood?"

"Yes, Professor," they answered. As McGonagall swept away, they grinned at each other.

"Honestly, you two," Remus muttered.

There was a loud _bang!_ They all looked around to see Peter, who had somehow managed to give himself a second nose.

Laughter rang out through the class as Peter turned bright red. Pitying him, Sirius waved his wand and restored Peter's nose to its proper shape and quantity.

"All right. Enough for today," Professor McGonagall said, looking aggravated. "I'd like three rolls of parchment on the potential dangers of human transfiguration, to be handed in to me by Thursday. Hopefully by then you all will use some judgment on this topic. Dismissed."

James and Sirius restored their features to their original state, packed up their things, and left the classroom.

"Honestly, Wormtail, how did you manage to give yourself a second nose?" Sirius asked as they navigated the crowded halls.

"I don't know. I was just trying out the spell, but I guess I couldn't decide which nose I wanted," he said, sounding a bit upset.

"It's okay, Peter," Remus said. "Almost no one could make anything happen at all."

"Yup. Better two noses than no change at all, right?" James laughed.

"Herbology next," Sirius said, squinting at his schedule.

They traipsed across the muddy grounds to the greenhouses, where Professor Sprout stood, brushing dirt off of her robes.

"Greenhouse three today!" she called, and they followed her into the glass building.

"Just to ease into the new term, we will be pruning alihotsy bushes. You know what to do. Get to it!" the small witch instructed.

The class was rather too boring for James, and he spent most of the time studying Lily Evans. Her straight, dark red hair fell just to her shoulders, framing her face nicely, the dark color a contrast to her pale skin. Her wide green eyes were focused solely on the alihotsy bush, which she pruned with small, delicate hands.

Another girl said something, and Lily laughed, revealing a beautiful smile. James smiled too, at the sight.

"She's gonna see you staring if you don't stop," Sirius warned under his breath.

"Who?" James said nonchalantly, feigning ignorance.

"I think you already know," Sirius said, grinning as he nodded towards Lily.

"I wasn't staring," James said quickly.

"Sure you weren't. You were drooling over that bush she was pruning."

"Shut up," James replied, rolling his eyes, then glancing back at Lily. "I wasn't staring."

"Right," Sirius mumbled. "Hey, watch it!"

"Huh?"

"You about took my hand off!" Sirius exclaimed, waving said hand towards the pruning shears James held.

"Sorry, mate," James muttered. "It's just…I don't get it."

"Don't get what?"

"Why does she hate me?"

"I already told you. She thinks you're an arrogant prat. Now, let me have the shears, and you can hold the branches, eh?"

"How can she think that? How can she think I'm a prat when she hangs around with that git Snape?" James asked, ignoring Sirius' demand.

"I don't know, mate."

"What are you talking about?" Peter asked.

"Nothing," James said, scowling as he handed the shears to Sirius and went back to staring at Lily.


	6. Chapter 6

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Six**

The marauders trekked back up the castle after class, bemoaning the large amount of homework they had already had.

"I thought this year would be great, with all the extra time," James said. "But they're filling it up with work!"

"Trying to prepare us for N.E.W.T.s," Remus said.

"I don't care. I could take the N.E.W.T.s now, I don't need all this homework to get me ready for them," James said confidently.

"Well, for the lesser mortals, I'm sure it's necessary," Remus said, rolling his eyes.

Sirius laughed a little at this, then fell silent again. He was desperate to get out of eating lunch, but he couldn't think of a reasonable-sounding excuse.

"I'm starving!" James exclaimed, leading the way to the Great Hall.

"You're always starving," Sirius countered.

"Yeah, well, it takes a lot of energy to be in the top of our year and Quidditch captain," James rationalized.

"Quidditch hasn't started yet," Peter pointed out.

"Doesn't mean I'm not the captain. I've been planning stuff, that counts," he replied easily as he sat down at the Gryffindor table.

Sirius put some food on his plate, carefully spreading it out to look like more than it really was. He proceeded to push some of it around with his fork, ignoring the pangs of hunger he was experiencing.

"D'you think Slughorn will give us an essay, too?" Sirius wondered aloud.

"Pr'ly," James mumbled, his mouth very full.

Noticing Remus staring at him oddly, Sirius quickly took a bite of his lunch, chewing it slowly.

"Professor Dawlish finally showed up," Remus said, indicating the staff table. Sirius subtly pointed his wand at his plate and vanished some of his meal.

"Huh. So, listen, I think I want to have Quidditch try-outs soon," James said, changing the subject.

"It's September," Peter said, surprised.

"Yes, it is, Peter. September, that month before October, when Quidditch starts?" James replied. "Honestly."

"It is kind of early, isn't it?" Sirius asked, taking up for Peter.

"The first match is early this year, though," James answered. "And we lost all but you, me, and Longbottom from last year's team."

"When do you want to have them, then?"

"I was thinking…Saturday."

"You'll have to get the word around quick, then," Remus said. "You could try the notice board."

"Like anyone reads that?" James scoffed. "We need a better way."

"No problem." Sirius stood up. "Oi! Gryffindors!" he bellowed. Every head at the table swiveled to look at him. "Quidditch try-outs on Saturday at…" He glanced questioningly at James.

"Eleven," James said.

"Eleven! If you're interested, be there! On time!" With that, he sat down again. "There you go. Word's out."

Remus laughed and shook his head. Sirius was a little surprised no one else had laughed at him, but he was grateful. If Peter had done that, everyone would have made fun of him, for sure.

"So should we go to the common room, then?" Sirius asked, hoping to escape without having to eat anything else.

"Sure," James said.

"We can get started on some homework," Remus added, provoking a groan from James.

"Honestly, Moony, is that all you think about?"

Once in the common room, they pulled out their books and set to work, James and Sirius scribbling illegible answers to the Herbology homework questions without researching, in the hopes that Professor Sprout would assume that they had them correct and give them full points; Remus carefully read the section and wrote out very neat answers, while Peter squinted at the page and periodical jotted down a few words.

James and Sirius began a game of Gobstones once they were finished, ignoring the Transfiguration homework for the time being.

"Should we go to Potions, then?" Remus asked finally, as James finally won the game.

"Guess so," Sirius said, sweeping his things off the table and back into his bag.

"See you, Wormtail," James said, hefting his own bag.

Peter looked a little put out at not being able to go with them, but a little relieved that he no longer had to take Potions.

Remus, James and Sirius made their way down to the dungeons, joining the rest of the class just as the door swung open.

Inside the classroom, a potion simmered on Slughorn's desk, a silver vapor lifting off of it and hovering just below the ceiling.

"Good afternoon, class!" Slughorn boomed, smiling at them. "Welcome back. As you are here in this N.E.W.T. level class, I expect that you are all serious potion-makers. So, without further ado, I would like you to turn to page ten of _Advanced Potion-making_ and follow the instructions. I want a flask of your potion by the end of class. The best potion will win a special prize."

Sirius opened his book and stared at the instruction to make the Draught of Living Death. It was complicated, but not so much so that he thought he would have difficulty with it.

He began pulling out ingredients, and started a fire under his cauldron with his wand. Next to him, James did the same.

The two hours passed quickly, each student thoroughly focused on their own concoction. Sirius' potion was a very nice shade of lilac. As he stirred it, the potion turned clear.

"Time's up! Please make a flask of your potion and place it on my desk," Slughorn instructed, beginning to walk around to see the potions.

"Very nice, Ms. Evans," he commended. "Very nice, indeed. Haven't lost your aptitude for potions, I see." Lily positively beamed at the praise.

"Mr. Potter…good. Could have used a bit more sopophorous bean juice, though." James frowned a bit, as Slughorn moved on to Sirius' potion.

"Mr. Black…very good."

The professor continued through the room, until he had seen every potion. He then returned to the front, where he announced, "The winner is…Mr. Snape."

Snape smiled crookedly, apparently quite happy his potion had won.

"Please see me after class for your prize," Slughorn said. "Class dismissed."

"No homework?" Sirius said in astonishment to Remus, who merely shrugged.

"Guess not."

Sirius glanced toward the front desk, where Snape was receiving whatever the prize was. Then, to his surprise, Snape turned towards them.

"Well, Potter, seems you're already falling behind, aren't you?" Snape said snidely.

"Shut up, Snivellus," James spat. Snape smirked and began to pack up his stuff.

"I hate that slimy git," James muttered to Sirius.

"As we all do," Sirius said, shoving his stuff into his bag.

"I should hex him," James said, still very annoyed.

"You could. Except that Lily Evans would see you," Sirius pointed out, nodding to the doorway where Lily was exiting with her friends.

James scowled.

"Though he does deserve it…" Sirius trailed off. "_Levicorpus!_" he said in a loud whisper, pointed his wand at Snape.

Snape's body was jerked off the floor and turned upside-down, as though someone had strung him up by one ankle.

Cursing, Snape snatched his wand from his pocket and pointed it at Sirius. "_Impedimenta!_"

Sirius was knocked backwards, thrown against the shelves that lined the back of the room. The impact to his head left him seeing spots. The jars that had been on the shelves were smashed, and bits of glass and potion rained down on Sirius.

"That will be quite enough!" Slughorn yelled. "_Liberacorpus!_" Snape fell to the hard, stone floor. He picked himself up slowly, glaring angrily at Sirius and James.

"Sirius?" Remus said slowly. "Are you okay?"

Sirius blinked until he could see clearly, then nodded. "Yeah." He stood up slowly, putting a hand to the back of his head. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"Mr. Black, seeing as you're unharmed, I would like you to stay to clean up this mess," Slughorn said, gesturing loosely at the spilled potions. "The rest of you, off to dinner, now."

"Professor," James began, but Sirius cut him off.

"Go ahead. I'll meet you there." James gave him a guilty look, then followed Remus from the dungeon.

Sighing, Sirius pulled out his wand, ready to repair the jars, vanish the potion and be on his way.

"Oh, no, Mr. Black. I think you should clean this up without magic," Slughorn said. "Look at it as a tradeoff for not losing any house points for your attack on Snape."

"Yes, professor," Sirius mumbled, and set to work.

_At least,_ he thought, _I have a good excuse for getting out of dinner_.


	7. Chapter 7

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Seven**

Remus pulled his transfiguration textbook from his bag, along with a roll of parchment and a quill. He opened the book to the human transfiguration section and quickly skimmed the cautions at the beginning of the chapter.

"He's not in the dormitory," James reported, flopping into the chair across from Remus.

"You don't think he's still cleaning, do you?" Peter asked. "I mean, Slughorn wouldn't make him do it without magic?"

"He might," James said, darkly. "Seeing as Sirius jinxed his new favorite student."

"I'm sure he'll be around soon enough," Remus said, scribbling a few sentences on the parchment.

But Sirius didn't turn up. Remus finished his Transfiguration essay and decided to call it a night, and then adjourned to their dormitory.

Once there, Remus read a book, trying to ignore the sounds of James snickering at Peter's attempts to change his nose.

At around ten o'clock, the dormitory door opened and Sirius walked through, looking exhausted. His clothes were more rumpled than was usually considered cool; his tie was coming undone.

"Stupid, slimy, evil git!" he griped, falling onto his bed holding his right shoulder.

"What happened?" Peter asked.

"Made me clean the whole thing with no magic. I think my arm is going to fall off," Sirius grumbled.

"Sorry about that, mate," James said, truly looking apologetic. "Didn't mean to get you in trouble."

"You didn't do anything," Sirius said dismissively. "It's not a big deal."

"In that case…no offense, mate, but those potions that spilled on you didn't smell all that great, and right now…" James trailed off as Sirius threw a book at him.

"Okay, okay, I get it." Sirius heaved himself off the bed and went into the bathroom, where they heard the shower turn on.

* * *

When Sirius returned from his shower, he got into bed, lying on his back so as not to aggravate his already sore shoulder.

"So…" Remus began. "Full moon is this weekend."

"It is?" Sirius asked, surprised. "I thought it was next."

"Well, Moony would know, wouldn't he?" James grinned.

"Saturday night," Remus informed them.

"That's good timing," Sirius said, thinking of the homework they all had and the Quidditch try-outs.

"We're glad you approve," Remus joked.

Sirius laughed too, then yawned. "I'm tired."

"It's late," Peter said.

"It was a pretty good first day of term, huh?" James said as he fell onto his bed.

"I think so," Sirius said. "Good night." He pulled the four poster's hangings closed.

"Night."

"Night."

The room was then silent, and very dark. Sirius rolled over onto his side, pulling the covers over himself, shivering a little. He didn't remember the castle having ever been so cold.

His stomach rumbled with hunger, and he pressed a hand to it, willing it into silence. All he had eaten was two bites of his lunch, and he was glad. He felt empty inside, and it filled him with happiness.

* * *

When Sirius awoke, it was still dark. He looked at his watch. Four forty-five. It was too early for him to be so wide-awake. Especially considering he had had less than six hours of sleep. But once he was awake, he could never go back to sleep.

He threw off his blankets and pulled back the hangings of his four poster, then stood. Having over two hours to himself was not really ideal, but his friends had always been insistent that he let them sleep until at least seven, if not later. He would have to entertain himself.

Sirius dressed quickly, once again opting not to wear his robes. The dress code had been changed in his third year, and it allowed them not to wear robes, providing that they wore a shirt and tie instead. He could live with that.

The common room was deserted, obviously, and very lifeless. Too lifeless to be conducive to entertainment. Sirius climbed through the portrait hole and out into the hallway.

He made the familiar twists and turns that led him up to the owlery. He had no idea what he was doing up there. He didn't want to contact his family, for sure. There was no one else he would contact, though. He left only a couple minutes after he arrived.

He wandered through the halls, and finally ended up outside, on the Quidditch pitch.

Quidditch try-outs on Saturday. He bit his lip, already feeling nervous. _Stop that._ The lip-biting thing was a sure tell of fear, and that was exactly what he didn't want.

He thought maybe he had lost a little weight, as he now had to wear his belt a little tighter. He didn't look different, though.

This was the year, as far as Quidditch went. James was the captain, and was determined to bring a win for Gryffindor. Sirius couldn't bear to think he would be the reason they lost. He couldn't do that to James.

He began to run across the pitch, his trainers making barely a sound on the springy grass.

When he reached the far end of the pitch, he turned back, running to the other side. The cold morning air felt good in his lungs, refreshing after so many weeks of the same, stale air in his bedroom.

He kept running, back and forth, for a long time. He watched the sun come up, painting the sky pink and silhouetting the castle as it loomed over the glittering lake. He ran until the birds were singing, until the sky had melted from pink to azure.

Glancing at his watch, he headed back for the castle.

Upon reaching the dormitory, he found his friends still asleep. He stripped off his clothes and turned on the shower, relishing the feel of the warm water on his chilled skin.

When he was finished showering, he wrapped a towel around his waist and stood in front of the mirror.

The bruises were fading already, though it had only been a few days. They hurt though, more than they had the previous day. The third day was always the worst. He tried to ignore it.

He poked at his stomach, then looked away, ashamed. He turned his back to the mirror and used a second towel to rub his hair until it was at least partially dry. He went back into the dormitory and redressed, carrying his tie into the bathroom so that he could look in the mirror. He knotted it just loosely enough to be cool, not so loose as to look stupid. It was a delicate balance, as it always was with such things.

He softly said an incantation and warm air gushed from the tip of his wand, and he used it to dry his still-damp hair. Then, satisfied, he left the room.

He sat on his bed to put on his trainers. He read his schedule and placed the necessary books in his bag. He wrote a couple paragraphs of his Transfiguration essay.

Feeling pretty accomplished, Sirius stood and stretched, then walked over to the bed he knew James occupied. He wrenched open the hangings and shook his friend's shoulder.

"No." James turned away. Sirius pushed him more insistently. "Go'way."

Sirius moved on, to Remus' bed. He opened the hangings and hit his friend over the head. "Wake up."

Remus opened one eye and looked at him. "What time is it?" he asked suspiciously.

"Seven forty-five."

Remus yawned, stretched, and got up. He immediately claimed the bathroom.

Sirius tried again to wake up James, but to no avail. He gave up and wrote some more on his essay.

Fifteen minutes later, when Remus returned from the shower, James and Peter were still not up.

"Prongs. Get up or I'll jinx you," Sirius threatened.

"No, you won't," James mumbled.

"Yes, I will," Sirius assured him.

"Nuh-uh." Sirius moved on.

"Wormtail, get up." Peter kept snoring. Sirius gave him a good shove, and Peter fell off the bed with a _thump!_

"Hey!" Peter yelled indignantly.

"You weren't getting up." Sirius turned back to James and whispered an incantation. James was lifted from his bed, and dropped onto the floor.

"Oi! What is your problem?" James asked crankily, getting to his feet slowly.

"I'm bored," Sirius complained.

"How long have you been up?" Remus asked.

"About three hours."

"You're mental," James yawned, before disappearing through the door to the bathroom.

"I think we're back in the swing of things, huh?" Remus asked with a grin.


	8. Chapter 8

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Eight**

The rest of the week continued in much the same way, though Sirius had managed to sleep in until at least five thirty most days. Every day he went out running, did his homework, and then woke up his friends.

His trainers pounded on the hard earth as he ran, back and forth, never getting anywhere but never staying still. It was funny to him how much he enjoyed this time, the time with just himself and his own thoughts. He used to need people around him all the time when he was at Hogwarts. He needed the company because he needed it to be different than home.

He wasn't sure what had changed, really. Maybe it just meant he was accepting things as they were.

When he was too tired to run anymore, Sirius sat down in the middle of the Quidditch pitch, staring around it and considering.

There was really no reason for anyone to play badly today. It was going to be fairly warm out, he could already tell. Visibility would be fairly good, although the sun might be a tad bit bright.

James had been looking forward to try outs today. He had thought and planned and talked about it nonstop.

Sirius pulled himself to his feet and walked up to the castle, where he took the long way up to Gryffindor Tower.

He found his friends still sound asleep, though he felt as though he had been awake forever. He never slept much.

They had surprisingly little homework that weekend, and he was sure he could make a lot of headway before his friends woke up.

He was right. It was nine-thirty when Remus woke up, and by that time Sirius had done everything but Potions.

"Morning" Remus said, yawning.

"Yeah," Sirius said back.

"Sleep okay?" Remus asked.

"Sure," Sirius lied. He had had a nightmare, one which involved his father. But Remus didn't need to know that. "You?"

"Yeah. Did you eat yet?"

"Uh-huh." Another lie. He seemed to do more and more of that lately.

Remus nodded and rubbed his eyes.

Within half an hour, everyone was awake, and within an hour of that, they were heading down to the pitch for Quidditch try outs.

"Pretty good turn out," James said to Sirius, sizing up the potential players.

"Yeah. Those over there though, are pretty scrawny. Too small to be very good," Sirius nodded toward some second and third years.

"Probably," James laughed. He continued walking until he was close enough to the students for them to hear him.

"Oi! Can you all hear me?" James said loudly. Looking around, Sirius saw most everyone nod. "Good. So, first thing, group up based on the position you play. Chasers there," he pointed. "Beaters."

"What about Keepers?" a fourth year asked.

"Sirius is the Keeper. Play something else or don't play," James said, then grinned at Sirius, who smiled back.

Once the people were grouped, James continued. "Okay. Chasers, go sit down for a bit, we'll get to you soon."

He then put the beaters in pairs. He ordered Sirius to get on his broom and fly around. A pair of beaters was sent up, one was meant to block bludgers from hitting Sirius, and the other was supposed to try to hit him.

"Sorry about using you as a target, mate," James whispered to Sirius as he gave instruction. "But seeing as I have to watch, I need someone who I know can dodge bludgers pretty well."

"No problem," Sirius said, leaping onto his broom.

Flying was a strange burst of adrenaline, coupled with a feeling of weightlessness that made Sirius feel as though he was invincible. He allowed himself to soar higher and higher, until James and the other students were mere specks, like ants milling around on the ground. He dove down to level with the goal hoops, which he looped around, happy at the familiarity.

Two fifth years swooped up to join him in the air. One was blond and of medium build, the other was so large he seemed almost giant-like.

"Okay! On the count of three," James yelled, flying up also, to observe. "One…two…three!" A second year down on the pitch released and bludger, then ducked as it hurtled directly at him.

Laughing, Sirius took off, flying over the blond kid and around the other, making his way toward the other end of the pitch.

There was a loud _thwack_ and Sirius turned to see a bludger careening towards him. He waited a moment for the blond boy to attempt to hit it, but the boy was nowhere to be found. Sirius veered to the right at the last possible second, and the bludger missed him by inches.

He turned back towards the other end of the pitch, laughing a little as James scowled at the blond boy, who had failed to move.

"I didn't know we were starting," the fifth year defended himself.

"What, you thought we'd release the bludger and it'd come up here and hover until you said you were ready?" James retorted.

"Sorry," the boy said, turning away. "Hey, look out!"

Sirius spun to see the bludger back for another go, and he dove a few feet to avoid it.

"Aren't you supposed to be stopping it or something?" he asked the boy.

The boy scowled.

"Okay, enough," James said impatiently. "Next two!"

So the try outs continued, with a few rather good beaters and many very bad ones.

"Lucky we only need one, huh?" James muttered to Sirius when they had returned to the ground. Then he turned his attention to the group of students. "Right, well, I think I'll have to go with…Rolphen."

Herald Rolphen, a fairly tall sixth year with dirty blond hair, stepped forward, a huge grin on his face.

"Right, so now we need the Chasers," James said, waving them over.

"Uh, yeah, the rest of you can go," Sirius said. "You too, Rolphen. I don't think we'll need you for the rest of try outs."

Rolphen nodded and turned to leave.

"He's awfully quiet, isn't he?" James said, perplexed. Sirius just shrugged. "Speaking of, you've hardly spoken all day, Padfoot. You okay?"

"'Course," Sirius said, forcing a grin. "Just thinking, is all."

"What about?"

"Being a bludger target." Sirius laughed.

They turned back to face the would-be chasers.

"Right," James said. "So you're going to take penalty shots. Five each. Best one wins."

"Easy enough," a shockingly thin seventh year said. James glared.

Sirius got on his broomstick again, flying up to hover around the goal hoops. Soon enough, the first person took a shot.

It was quite obvious where he was going to throw the Quaffle, and Sirius had no trouble snatching it from the air. The subsequent attempts went much the same way.

Next up was the seventh year. He threw the Quaffle very quickly, and Sirius just managed to grab it before it went through the hoop. As soon as he had tossed the large, red ball back to the seventh year, the boy threw it again, to the far hoop. This time, Sirius couldn't make the save.

_Damn it!_ he cursed. _You're too slow._ He retrieved the Quaffle and tossed it back to the boy, who again scored. And again. And again.

In the end, the seventh year, whose name was Geoffrey Benson, a fifth year by the name of Dennis Alderton, and a third year named Justin Peverell were chosen to be the new Chasers.

"Good job, everyone," James called, finally, hours after try outs had begun. "Good-bye."

"Not one for inspirational speeches, huh?" Sirius asked with a wry grin.

"You know me. I'm of few words," James said. "I'm starving! Missed lunch and now it's practically dinner… Shall we head back?"

"Not yet," Sirius said, and James looked surprised. "I think I'd like a bit more practice."

"Why? You were great today," James said.

"I was too slow," Sirius said, taking off.

"You just came back to playing after all summer," James rationalized, though he didn't deny, as Sirius had hoped he would, that his friend had been flying slowly.

Sirius shrugged. "Come on."

"Fine." James rolled his eyes and slung the Quaffle toward one of the hoops. Sirius caught it easily.

"You can do better than that, James," Sirius said, tossing it back.

James threw the Quaffle with a bit more force. "So, what do you reckon our chances are?"

"Team's solid," Sirius replied, snagging the Quaffle from midair and tossing it back. "Good chasers, decent beaters…"

"That bloke Benson was really good," James commented, seeming a little awestruck.

"Yeah, he was all right," Sirius said dismissively, saving another goal.

"All right? He was great! You only managed to save one of his shots," James pointed out, trying for another goal. This one went in.

"I could have saved those shots," Sirius said, diving to retrieve the Quaffle.

"Sure you could have," James said disbelievingly. "What, did you just decide to take pity on the guy?"

Sirius glared at him. "Maybe. What's it matter?"

"All right, all right. Well, I think he was good. I think we've got a good team this year, and a pretty good chance of beating Slytherin," James said, changing the subject.

"Depends on how badly Hufflepuff loses to them, though," Sirius said. "Don't want a repeat of last year…"

They continued for over an hour, discussing their chances at winning the cup.

Finally, they decided to head in, and they packed up the Quidditch balls and returned them to Madam Hooch's office.

"D'you think dinner's ended?" James asked, picking up the pace.

"Dunno," Sirius said, secretly hoping it had.

Luckily for Sirius, the Great Hall was empty, and so they went up to the common room, James loudly complaining about missing two meals that day.

"We'll have to nick some food from the kitchens," he decided, as they climbed through the portrait hole.

Spotting Remus and Peter over by the fire, Sirius and James picked their way through the crowded room to meet them.

"Finally," Remus said, looking a little pale already.

"Sorry, Moony," Sirius said. "We were practicing."

"Yeah, Padfoot here was feeling a little inferior after letting in four goals from Benson." James dodged as Sirius took a swing at him. Remus laughed softly.

"Aren't you two hungry? You missed dinner," Peter said.

"Ravenous," James said. "Why? Do you have food? Can I have some?"

"Whoa, slow down. I don't have anything. It was just a question."

"Then I'm heading down to the kitchens to get something. Coming, Padfoot?" James said, standing up.

"You go ahead. I need to get something out of the dormitory," Sirius said quickly, a very lame excuse. He stood up too, feeling a headache coming on.

"I can wait for you," James said. "It'll be hard, and I may die of starvation before you get back, but I'm willing to try for you, old friend."

Sirius forced a laugh. "No, it's okay. I'm not really hungry."

"You've been saying that an awful lot lately," Remus said, frowning. "Are you sure you're not sick?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'm fine, really." Sirius hurried up the spiral staircase and into the dormitory before they could question him further.

Once alone in the dormitory, he went into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror for a long time, comparing what he saw to Geoffrey Benson. Benson, who flew much faster and better than he did, who was thinner and better looking...

With the team James had put together, if Gryffindor was to lose the cup, it would almost surely be Sirius' fault for letting in too many goals. He cringed at the thought of his father's reaction to that.

He sighed and turned away to fall onto his bed, suddenly exhausted. His head exploded with pain from his rapidly developing headache. He was so tired...if only he could go to sleep now…

But he couldn't. Tonight was the full moon, which meant they would go out with Remus all night. No time to sleep.

Even as he thought this, he closed his eyes against the painful light. Within moments he was sound asleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Nine**

"Should we wake him up?"

"He'd want to come…" Soft voices eased their way into his thoughts, gently tugging him back to consciousness.

"But he's hardly gotten any sleep all week." Where were they going? Somewhere he wanted to go…the full moon tonight!

Sirius opened his eyes to see his friends standing over him.

"Hey, mate," James said. "Bit tired?"

"I'm okay," Sirius said, sitting up. "Time to go?"

"Yeah," Remus said quietly. "You sure you want to?"

Sirius frowned. "When have I ever not wanted to go? C'mon," he said, jumping up more energetically than was probably necessary. The room lurched and he steadied himself against the bedpost, then shook his head, trying to right everything. Luckily, his friends didn't seem to notice.

"Okay. I'll go down and meet Madam Pomfrey, then," Remus told them, turning to leave.

"We'll be down soon," Peter replied. Remus disappeared through the dormitory door.

"Here," James said, handing Sirius a piece of bread. "Food."

"Thanks," Sirius said, taking it. He held it, unsure of what to do.

"The moon is rising late tonight," Peter said, shifting almost nervously.

"What time is it?" Sirius asked, tearing off a piece of the bread and putting it in his mouth, chewing it slowly.

"Eleven," James said, turning to rummage in his trunk. Sirius slipped some of the bread into his pocket. "Can't find the stupid…Got it!" James triumphantly held up the silvery Invisibility Cloak.

"Is it time to go?" Peter asked.

"Might as well," Sirius said, eating the last bit of bread. James shrugged.

"Sure."

They began the task of squeezing the three of them under the cloak.

"Sirius, Peter, move over. My feet are showing," James griped.

"Now my feet are showing!" Peter protested. "Sirius, couldn't you, I don't know, take up a little less space?"

Sirius squirmed in between his two friends, making himself as small as possible. "I'm trying."

"This is ridiculous," James said, impatient. "Wormtail, just transform now and one of us can carry you or something." Sirius turned to stare at him.

"That's actually a really good idea," he commented.

"All of my ideas are good. C'mon, Peter, this is taking forever!"

When they were finally all covered, they set off, carefully navigating the chairs strewn about the common room and climbing out of the portrait hole.

The halls were basically empty, save for Mrs. Norris, who they ran into on the third floor.

The cat's golden eyes turned on them and she arched her back, scraggly fur standing on end. James and Sirius exchanged a look.

"Levicorpus!" James whispered, pointing his wand at the cat. An agonized yowl erupted from the small animal as she was up-ended and dangled from the ceiling. Stifling laughter, they almost ran from the scene, sure Filch would be there momentarily.

When they finally slipped out of the front doors, Sirius threw the cloak from his shoulders and transformed quickly. In the light of James' wand, he watched his shadow change from human to that of a monstrous dog. James had once joked that Sirius probably weighed more as a dog than he did as a person.

Sirius bounded toward the Whomping Willow, hearing the sounds of James' footsteps behind him. He breathed in deep the cool air of the night, relishing the scent of the Forest and the lake. Dog's vision was not nearly as good as a human's, normally, but at night, everything was much clearer. He could already make out the outline of the huge tree. The running, stretching and flexing of his muscles felt good, though his almost empty stomach ached with hunger and he still felt the remnants of his previous headache. None of it mattered too much, though. He felt pretty happy.

Upon reaching the tree, he turned, running back toward his friends, then circling back, unable to contain his excitement.

"Padfoot, you're mental," James said as Peter scurried across the grass to press the knot on the tree.

When the tree froze, Sirius darted forward, squirming through the hole in the roots. James followed him, and Peter after that.

They trekked through the small tunnel, the tunnel that was too small to allow James to transform. Though the stag James became was not much larger than the human, and not as tall, it was much less flexible. In human form, James had to bend almost double to go through the tunnel; a stag simply would not fit.

They reached the end of the tunnel and Sirius clambered through the opening into what had been dubbed the Shrieking Shack by the villagers of Hogsmeade.

The room was dusty, the air oppressively stale. The furniture was all broken, but it hardly mattered to them.

On the opposite side of the room was Remus, though he in no way resembled him. Though he was enviably small and thin, in Sirius' opinion, as a human, Remus was not such as a wolf. The form of the animal was so large as to be frightening, even to Sirius, who had come to expect it. Wiry hair covered the wolf's body and huge teeth gleamed from the open mouth.

From behind Sirius, James crawled through the entrance and pulled himself to his feet, beginning to dust off his clothes.

A low growl began in the wolf's throat, though James seemed not to notice. Sirius pushed James' leg with nose, trying to get him to hurry up as the wolf came toward them.

James glanced up. "Oh." He moved to the side, trying to find a big enough space to transform. He kicked a broken chair out of the way, and as he did so, the wolf lunged toward him, its only consideration the instinct to attack.

James transformed, but it was going to be too late. Sirius leapt in between the two, yelping as the wolf's sharp claws tore into his shoulder, blood spattering the dirty floor. It sent a searing pain through his front leg, but he didn't mind. He was in between James and the wolf, and his friend was safe.

Sirius awkwardly took his weight off his front left paw, growling as he limped forward toward the wolf, warning it to back up. The werewolf complied, no longer feeling the need to attack, as there weren't any humans in the room. He turned and went back to the other side of the room.

James stepped forward toward Sirius, trying to get a look at the wound. Unwilling to let him see, Sirius turned, sitting down and licking at the wound to clean it.

It was somehow mutually and silently decided that they would stay in the Shrieking Shack that night, not yet daring to venture beyond its boundaries.

They goofed off for hours, but even so, the night felt very long to Sirius. When it was finally time for them to leave, he was quite ready.

Sirius guarded James as he transformed, following as he ducked into the tunnel. The walk back was silent.

When they had crawled from under the Whomping Willow, they could see that the sky was bright pink with the rising sun. Sirius transformed back into a human. Immediately, he put his hand up to grasp his throbbing shoulder.

"Are you okay?" James asked, noticing.

"Yeah, it's fine," Sirius said, though he didn't loosen his grip.

"Let me see," James said, moving to take a look.

"It's fine," Sirius said, but he let James look anyway.

"It looks deep," James commented, making a sympathetic face. "I can try to heal it…"

"No! Don't!" Sirius exclaimed in mock horror. "Might take my arm off. I hear Wormtail is still suffering from that attempt you made to heal his scratches."

"I don't think my hand will ever be the same," Peter said plaintively.

"One little mistake…" James muttered.

"I'd rather Moony do it," Sirius said. "If it's all the same to you."

"Whatever," James said, and grinned.

They didn't bother with the cloak on the way back up. Sirius was up roaming the halls at this hour every morning, and no one had ever bothered him.

When they reached their dormitory, they barely managed to change clothes before they were in bed, fast asleep.


	10. Chapter 10

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Ten**

Remus slipped out of the hospital wing and hurried back towards Gryffindor Tower. As he walked, he tried to remember the exact events of the previous night, though the memories were hopelessly hazy.

He was sure they hadn't wandered the grounds, and he was pretty sure they hadn't done much of anything. He had had only a few minor scratches, which were healed effortlessly by Madam Pomfrey. All in all, as far as he could remember, the night had been uneventful.

"Mandrake." The portrait of the Fat Lady swung open to reveal the empty common room. Remus scrambled through the portrait hole and checked his watch. It was only seven, on a Sunday morning.

He jogged up the staircase to the dormitory, pushed open the heavy wooden door, and entered into the very quiet room.

Looking around, Remus almost laughed. Peter lay flat on his back in bed, snoring. It seemed though, that someone had found the snoring unbearably loud, as Peter had a pillow on his face. It was not quite enough to smother him, but it definitely stifled the noise. James was sprawled out across his bed, one arm and leg dangling almost to the floor. His hair was matted on one side and sticking straight out on the other. Only Sirius looked normal, though it was hard to be sure, as he had his covers pulled up so high that Remus could only see his closed eyes and dark hair.

Remus sat down on his own bed, not really tired enough to sleep, not energetic enough to do homework. He snagged a book from the bedside table and opened it, deciding to read to pass the time.

He hardly paid attention to what he read though, as his thoughts wandered. When he first came to Hogwarts, he was sure he wouldn't have any friends. Despite what his parents said, even at eleven years old, he knew the other kids would realize there was something a bit off about him. They would realize he was a freak, and he would be all alone, just as he always had been.

Remus had been wary when James and Sirius had first started talking to him on the train. He couldn't let anyone get too close, because then they might see. Even Peter seemed a little dangerous.

It hadn't taken long, really, for suspicion to cloud their eyes as he fed them the lies written for him by his parents. He was sure they knew his secret. It didn't take long before they really did know.

Then came the surprise: they didn't hate him, didn't fear him. They wanted to help him.

Remus glanced up from his book at his friends again. Five years ago, he never would have guessed he would have such friends.

It was funny though, how comfortable he was around them now, in a way he didn't think was possible. The way he could sleep through Peter's snoring, when it had kept him awake for hours on his first night at Hogwarts. The way he could see that James desperately wanted Lily Evans to like him, when it had always before seemed that James just liked to show off.

But it also surprised him the things he didn't know. Remus had been to James' and Peter's houses many times, but he didn't even know where Sirius lived. Also, he got the feeling Sirius maybe wasn't quite as sure of himself as he acted, though Remus didn't know why he thought that.

"No," Sirius mumbled in his sleep, gripping the blankets tightly. "No."

Remus frowned; Sirius never talked in his sleep. He waited for a while, but Sirius had fallen silent.

He read for a while longer, then glanced at his watch, surprised to find it was nearly lunchtime. James would be unbearably cranky if he woke up and found he had missed a meal.

Remus stood and stretched, then tried to wake his friends.

"It's time for lunch."

"Go'way," Sirius mumbled, pulling the covers higher.

"James, wake up."

"No," James said, lazily waving an arm in Remus' general direction.

"You'll miss lunch," Remus warned.

"I'm up," James announced. He sat up and looked around. "Are we going?"

Typical James. Food was always a good incentive. Remus ignored that question and went to wake up Peter. Peter, though he was no light sleeper, woke easily and got dressed quickly.

"Sirius! Wake up! I'm hungry!" James whined as he pulled on a shirt.

"Mmm," Sirius mumbled.

"Get up!" James roughly shook Sirius by the shoulder.

"Ow!" Sirius yelped, sitting up quickly and grabbing his shoulder. "Bloody hell!"

"Sorry, mate," James said guiltily. "Forgot."

"Forgot what?" Remus asked, coming to sit on the edge of the bed. "What happened?"

"He wanted you to heal this cut he has," James replied. "Didn't trust me to do it…"

"For good reason!" Sirius protested. "Anyways, it isn't a big deal."

"You're bleeding," Peter pointed out. Sirius moved his hand to peer at the blood soaking through his shirt.

"Just a little."

"Episkey!" Remus said, pointing his wand. The blood spot stopped growing.

"Thanks," Sirius said, wiping his hand on his shirt, then standing up. "I'm gonna take a shower."

Remus nodded mutely. When Sirius was gone, he turned to James. "Did I do that?"

"Nah. Whomping Willow," James said, but his refusal to meet Remus' eyes said that he was lying. "Anyways, it's fixed now. Aren't we going?"

"Shouldn't we wait for Sirius?" Peter asked.

"Eh, he won't care. C'mon!" And with that, James dragged them out of the dormitory.

Sirius returned to the dormitory a few minutes later, not at all surprised to see that his friends had left without him. It was just like James to be so single-minded in his pursuit of food.

His stomach growled loudly. He hadn't eaten since that bread last night, and he was starving. He'd probably have to eat a little bit, though, when he went down to meet the others.

He dressed quickly, then sat on his bed. He didn't want to go down there and pretend to eat while desperately trying to not actually put anything in his mouth. It was tiring, warding off suspicion like that. It was tiring to not eat. He hated being tired.

It was okay to eat a little bit, so long as it wasn't too much. He wouldn't worry about the things he was forced to eat, not as long as his clothes continued to feel looser.

Sirius stood and walked downstairs quickly, nodding hello to the people he knew, glaring at the Slytherins.

He found his friends still eating, though most people had left by this time.

"Hey, Padfoot," James greeted before taking a huge bite of shepherd's pie.

Remus glanced up and nodded at him, looking, Sirius noted, slightly guilty.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly, as he took the seat next to Remus.

"Nothing."

"You look upset."

"I'm not."

"Yes, you are," Sirius said, casting a quick look at James to see if he was listening, which he wasn't. Peter was too far away to hear their hushed voices.

"I'm not upset," Remus said again.

"What's wrong, then?"

"How did you hurt yourself?" Remus asked him.

"What?"

"Your shoulder."

"Whomping Willow got me," Sirius lied.

"That's what James said, too."

"That's what happened."

"James is a bad liar," Remus said. Sirius made a face.

"Yes, he is. Unfortunate little flaw, isn't it?"

"So it was really me," Remus concluded.

"No."

"Why else would you hide it?"

"It wasn't you," Sirius insisted.

"Then who was it?"

"The wolf."

"Me," Remus said glumly.

"No. The wolf. You had nothing to do with it. You couldn't help it."

Remus just shook his head.

"Stop looking like that, Moony. You know I'm right."

"What are you two talking about?" James butted in.

"Nothing," Remus said.

"Right. So what are we doing today?" James said, changing the subject.

"Dunno," Sirius said, spearing a carrot on his fork and eating it.

"Homework," Remus said.

"That's much too boring," James complained.

"Quidditch," Sirius said.

"Much better."


	11. Chapter 11

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Eleven**

September continued in much the same way, and slowly faded into October, at which point James, determined to win the Quidditch cup, increased practices to three per week. Also with October came a great deal of rain, which left Sirius sure he would never be properly warm or dry again.

As the day of the first Quidditch match approached, both James and Sirius became very nervous, though Peter and Remus assured them that it would be fine. The day before, they had both scoffed at the notion that they would be nervous at all.

"Please. I'm not nervous. I'll catch the snitch before the Hufflepuffs manage to lay a hand on the Quaffle," James had said. Nevertheless, Sirius was sure he was worried.

The night before the game, they sat in the common room in almost complete silence. Remus was busy writing a Potions essay, while Peter quietly asked him questions, trying not to elicit a fit of yelling from James, who paced anxiously muttering the different plays they had practiced.

Sirius, for his part, sat on the floor in front of the fire, staring at the crackling orange flames, considering. The team was solid, everyone worked well together. The Chasers had definitely come together, seeming almost to know the others' thoughts. James was a spectacular Seeker, as he had always been. Longbottom and Rolphen had no problems as beaters.

No, the thing Sirius most worried about was his own position. James had insisted that Sirius was the perfect Keeper, but Sirius knew he was just being nice. His flaws were obvious to him.

He wished he flew as quickly as Geoffrey Benson, was as adept at catching the Quaffle as he was. Then they would have no troubles.

"We should get to bed," James said suddenly, halting his pacing to speak to Sirius. "Good night's sleep, and all that."

"Yeah," Sirius said, slowly getting to his feet and turning toward the dormitory, immediately remorseful over the loss of the fire's heat.

Once in bed, Sirius pulled shut the hangings and lay very still. He closed his eyes, willing himself to fall asleep, though his stomach was in knots and his heart seemed to have climbed into his throat.

_What are you so worried about?_ He asked himself. _You've never been this nervous before._ That was true. He was competitive, but always Quidditch had just been for fun. It had never actually worried him.

_It's not a big deal. It'll be fine._ With that thought, he fell asleep.

_The rain rushed down, slicking the Quaffle, splattering in the mud already thick on the Quidditch pitch. It fell in torrents so massive Sirius couldn't see three feet in front of him. _

_His soaked hair was plastered down, the pieces in the front washed into his eyes so that he had to keep pushing them back, desperately clutching the slippery handle of his broomstick with only one hand. _

_The sky was pitch black; the only moments of sight Sirius was granted came from the flashes of lightning spearing through the clouds. _

_"Hufflepuff is up one hundred and seventy to ten," the announcer called, the rest of his words lost in a clap of thunder. _

_A burst of light and Sirius saw the large form of a Chaser careening forward, gripping the Quaffle tightly. He squinted through the storm, blinking rain from his eyes, trying to see. _

_A soft whoosh and the Quaffle was coming toward him, past him, his fingertips just grazing it before it soared through the hoop. _

_Another flash of lightning revealed the Chaser still coming closer, into the scoring area, and Sirius gasped as the features of the person cleared into those of his father. _

_Orion slammed into Sirius, grabbing him by the shoulder before he fell from his broom. Sirius struggled, his broom falling back to earth in the process, his father now the only thing keeping him in the air. _

_"You failed, Sirius," Orion hissed. "They all know your secret." _

_"No," Sirius said, and Orion's fist connected with his jaw. _

_"Look at them," Orion spat, forcing Sirius to turn towards the crowd. "They're laughing at you. They know you're nothing but a weak, filthy, fat traitor. They know the truth." _

_The crowd howled with laughter, listening to Orion's words booming through the stadium, overpowering the sound of the thunderous storm. Geoffrey Benson clutched his sides, gasping for breath as he laughed, nearly slipping from his broom. James gave him a long look, then shook his head, turned away…_

_"No," Sirius said again. "Please, no…" _

_Then he was falling, falling, falling, the form of his father rapidly shrinking as the distance between them grew, the laughing faces of the crowd blurring as he plunged to the earth at a sickening speed. _

_He could barely force words past the lump of fear in his throat threatening to strangle him. "Help me!"_

_And then he knew no more._

* * *

"Help me!" The words ripped from his throat as he sat up suddenly, gasping for breath.

"Just a dream. Just a dream," he mumbled to himself, trying to slow his breathing. His chest and stomach ached horribly.

He stood shakily, holding one of his bedposts for support as the room lurched sickeningly. Still gasping for breath, he stumbled into the bathroom and was sick for a few minutes, though he hadn't really eaten much the previous day.

When he finished, he went over to the sink to rinse out his mouth, clinging to the sink for support as he did so. He caught sight of his face in the mirror, pale, drawn, dark circles under the eyes. He looked awful, he thought, then shook his head. _What else is new?_

He walked back into the dormitory, peering at his friends through the darkness. As far as he could tell, he hadn't woken them.

He silently dressed and crept out of the dormitory, downstairs to the common room, where he sat once more on the floor in front of the fireplace.

The fire had been nearly extinguished, as it was two in the morning and no one was supposed to be down there. A wave of Sirius' wand produced a crackling blaze, and he stared into the glowing flames, thinking.

He felt himself shivering, despite the warmth of the fire. His father had plagued his dreams increasingly, leading to many sleepless nights. He was unsure of why exactly that was, knowing as he did that he wouldn't see his father again until the next summer.

This past summer, his father hadn't done anything unusual, not really. He had been acting that way for years. So why was it that Sirius felt his stomach knot in anxiety at the mere thought of Orion?

_I hate him. I hate that son of a bitch. He ruined everything._ Nothing had changed at home, Sirius knew. But something about Sirius himself had changed.

Sirius was known for many things. Confident, funny Sirius Black: brilliant wizard, Gryffindor Keeper, genius prankster, excellent friend. He didn't feel like any of those things. He struggled in his classes, he missed easy saves during practice, he hadn't pulled a prank in months, and he had been a rather lousy friend of late. He sure wasn't confident.

The old Sirius Black hung on by a thread, a Patronus to shield the real Sirius from the world by showing everyone only what they expected, instead of what he really was.

"Sirius?" He whirled about at the sound of his name to find Remus.

"Moony! Scare me half to death!" Sirius grinned, though his heart still raced.

"Sorry." Remus came over and sat down on a chair near him. "What are you doing?"

"Nothing, really. Why are you up?"

"It's almost eight," Remus replied. Sirius glanced at his watch, surprised at how quickly the time had passed. "Are you okay?"

"'Course. Why wouldn't I be?" Sirius faked another smile.

"I heard you being sick earlier." Remus scrutinized him, waiting for a response.

"You- you did?" Sirius faltered.

"Yes. You talked in your sleep, and I woke up."

"Oh. Yeah, I had a really weird dream," Sirius said, not lying at all.

"What about?"

"Just Quidditch. I guess I'm a bit nervous about the first match." Sirius laughed a little, hoping to diffuse some of the tension he was sensing.

Remus shook his head. "I'm worried, Sirius."

Sirius frowned. "You shouldn't be."

"You've lost weight," Remus said, and Sirius felt elated. He had? Really?

"Not really," he said, hiding his joy.

"Yes, you have. You hardly eat."

"I eat fine," Sirius mumbled, turning back to stare at the fire again.

"You have nightmares."

"Everyone does," Sirius said, looking back at his friend. "I'm fine, Remus, really. You're making a big deal out of nothing."

"Are you sure?" Remus asked carefully.

"Yeah, I'm sure. Everything's fine," Sirius said, giving a small smile, which Remus returned, though still a little uncertain.

"If you're sure," he said.

"What are we talking about?" James asked, coming down the staircase, followed by Peter. "It'd better be Quidditch."

"What else would it be, Prongs?" Sirius asked, standing up. "What with our immensely important match today."

"That's what we like to hear," James said, clapping him on the shoulder and then ushering them all out of the portrait hole.


	12. Chapter 12

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Twelve**

Rain pelted them as they walked down to the Quidditch pitch, though it was not too terribly dark, nor very windy. The ground was not too soft, which tended toward being a good thing, in James' opinion, as it meant they could kick off the ground harder.

They reached the changing room, and he pulled off his damp robes, reaching for the brilliantly scarlet robes they wore for Quidditch. As he did so, James once again ran over several plays.

"Calm down, would you?" Sirius said, next to him, straightening his robes. "It's going to be fine."

"I'm not nervous."

"You're muttering plays to yourself again," Sirius pointed out.

"No, I'm not. I'm talking to you." James sat down on one of the benches in the room. There was silence for a few moments, then Sirius spoke.

"Why are we here so early?" he complained, pacing the floor in front of him. "This is boring."

"I need to think of something to say," James said, looking up at his friend.

"About what?"

"The match! The captain always makes some sort of motivational speech before their team plays!"

"Right. How about, "we're going to win, otherwise I'm going to drag you all out here, in the rain, for practices every single day, and never let you have a moment's peace until we win the next match?'" Sirius suggested.

James merely scowled at him.

"Well, I don't see why I have to be here if you don't want my help," Sirius said, walking faster.

"Would you stop that?" James asked. "It's making me nervous."

Sirius shot him a look. "Fine," he said, and sat down next to James. They were silent for a while, until a few more members of the team trickled in.

"Morning," Rolphen grunted.

"Yeah," James said.

When everyone had arrived, and changed into their robes, James stood to address them.

"Right. I don't really have that much to say…" He trailed off.

"That's a first," Sirius said loudly. Everyone laughed, even James.

"Yeah. Yeah, okay, listen. We've got a solid team this year. We are ready for this game. We are unstoppable. And we're going to win." James looked each of them in the eye, Sirius last of all. "Let's go."

"Not bad," Sirius whispered to James as they walked out onto the pitch. "No one would ever know you made it up on the spot."

James grinned. "I always was a brilliant speaker."

Sirius laughed and fell back, as James marched up to the captain of the Hufflepuff team and gripped his hand tightly.

"Good luck," the boy said, smiling.

"Won't need it," James said, then laughed. He released the other boy's hand and mounted his broom.

"On my whistle," Madam Hooch said. "Three…two…one.."

The whistle sounded and James kicked off from the ground, climbing higher and higher into the air, forty, fifty, sixty feet, until he could see everything below him.

Benson had snatched the Quaffle immediately, he noticed, and was speeding the length of the pitch with it.

"Gryffindor in possession, Geoffrey Benson with the Quaffle, entering the scoring area, he takes his shot and…GRYFFINDOR SCORE! Ten-zero to Gryffindor!"

James laughed happily, then began to search for the snitch, squinting through the mass of players flying around. The problem with playing Hufflepuff, he noted, was that the snitch didn't show up well against their yellow robes.

"Hufflepuff is in possession…" James missed the name as he ducked to avoid a bludger. He turned to look at their end, where Sirius was hovering in front of the goal posts, ready to spring into action. "She shoots and…"

The last of the words were drowned out by a cheer from the Gryffindors in the stands.

"And the score is thirty-zero to Gryffindor, and Gryffindor has possession."

Still listening closely, James wove in and out of the other players, searching for a tiny glint of gold. He thought he saw it once, but no, it was not there.

He kept a wary eye on Anita Fitzgerald, the Hufflepuff seeker. He was sure he could beat her to the snitch, even if she saw it first, as long as he realized she had.

"Hufflepuff in possession once more, into the scoring area and…HUFFLEPUFF SCORES!"

A collective groan sounded from the Gryffindors, though the Hufflepuffs cheered madly.

"Score is thirty-ten to Gryffindor."

James looked over at Sirius quickly, then went back to searching for the golden snitch.

Hufflepuff scored three more times, putting them in the lead. Another glance at Sirius and James took in his friend's stressed look.

_Just find the snitch and it'll be fine._ Already Hufflepuff had the Quaffle again.

James turned to fly the other way, and then he saw it, the snitch, hovering just above the grass of the pitch at the bottom of the Hufflepuff goal posts. He shot toward it, as fast as his broom would take him.

Anita Fitzgerald had seen it as well, and she too sped toward it, diving down, down, down. James urged his broom to go faster, desperate to head her off. He was closing in, forty feet, thirty, twenty, _ten_…

His arm outstretched, he threw himself forward against the handle of his broom, stretching, reaching for it…

Another hand hit his own, trying to knock it out of the way, just as his fingers brushed the cold metal of the snitch. He tightened his hand around the coolness, feeling fingernails scrabbling at the back of his hand, knowing it was too late, he had gotten it first.

He pulled out of the dive, fist held high, the tiniest glint of gold visible through his fingers, and the stands erupted in cheers. "Yes!" James cried. "Yes!"

He landed gracefully, and his teammates mobbed him, yelling at the tops of their voices, already celebrating.

"Good show, Prongs!" Sirius shouted.

"And you," James screamed back. Sirius shook his head a little, but his smile stayed, though it became a little less genuine.

"It's time to party!" Benson said, as they headed back to the locker room, after shaking hands with the Hufflepuffs.

The rest of the team departed quickly, but Sirius dawdled about changing his robes, and James stayed to wait for him.

"That was a great match," James said, still grinning happily.

"Sure," Sirius said noncommittally.

"What's wrong?" James asked, frowning at Sirius' lack of enthusiasm.

"Nothing." Sirius forced a smile.

"Honestly, Padfoot. What's wrong with you?" James demanded.

"I let in a lot of goals today," Sirius said, looking away.

"Doesn't matter," James said. "You played fine, and we won!"

"Yeah," Sirius said.

"So let's go up to the party already." He led the way out of the room, and they started the trek back up the castle.

"I didn't play fine," Sirius spoke into the silence.

"Sure you did."

"We were losing, before you caught the snitch."

"It was early in the match, still," James pointed out.

"I felt off my game today," Sirius continued.

"Is something wrong? You feel okay?" James asked, concerned.

"Nothing's wrong, I'm fine."

"Then what are you worried about?"

"Nothing."

"Good." Silence fell again.

"It's just that…I didn't play well." Sirius seemed unable to forget that.

"But it doesn't matter!" James said, bothered by Sirius' lack of enthusiasm. "We won! And now we'll go back to the common room, and the party will be underway. We'll drink a ton of butterbeer and eat junk food, dance with a lot of girls, and finally pass out dead asleep by midnight. Just like always."

"Yeah," Sirius said absently. "Just like always…"


	13. Chapter 13

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Thirteen**

Sirius Black was nothing if not a good actor.

He and James had clambered through the portrait hole to find the party in full swing. They had been pulled into the center of the crowd, people around them yelling and cheering, pushing butterbeer and numerous other sweets into their hands, loudly proclaiming their heroes. The whole of the Quidditch team had been grouped in the middle of the common room, the center of attention.

James loved the attention, as he always did. He messed up his hair, grinned from ear to ear, went over the finer points of the game with anyone who would listen.

Geoffrey Benson, for his part, was also quite celebrated, and he played it up. No one could quite fathom how he had never been chosen for the Quidditch team before this year.

Sirius grinned and went along with it, though he wasn't in the mood for a party in the slightest. He took the food and the butterbeer, handing them off to someone else at the first opportunity. He helped James get the Gryffindors even more riled up, helped rig music to play all around them at ear-splitting levels.

The tight knot of people that had surrounded them dispersed a little at the music, beginning to dance.

Sirius danced with a few girls who asked him, but after a few minutes, carefully extricated himself from the group. The air was hot and sticky, filled with exuberant Quidditch fans and party-goers, and it was getting hard to breathe. He wandered over to the fireplace, where Remus and Peter sat, watching the party.

"Hi, Padfoot!" Peter squeaked. "Good game."

"Yeah." Sirius sat down next to Remus, watching everyone else.

"Why aren't you joining in?" Remus asked after a few minutes.

"Dunno. Just…don't feel like it."

They all watched James approach Lily Evans, still grinning widely. His lips moved, he was asking her to dance. She shook her head, the smile she had been wearing fading fast. James' smile slipped a little, but he tried to keep it up.

"C'mon," Sirius heard him say. "You know you want to."

"I wouldn't dance with you if you were the last boy on earth. I'd rather date a troll," Lily said, turning away.

James' face fell, and he shook his head. Then, spotting the other Marauders parked on the couch, he made a bee-line for them.

"What is wrong with you guys?" he demanded. "Join the party!"

Remus and Sirius stood up, looking resigned, and followed James. Peter trailed after them, a little nervous, but glad to be invited.

Sirius glanced around and then asked the nearest girl to dance. She smiled and nodded, and so he danced with her for a few songs.

It was odd, but he had the feeling that no one was too happy with him at the moment. The girl, whatever her name was, didn't mind him, he could tell. But for the people who were actually interested in Quidditch, they slapped him on the back more out of obligation than anything else. He was a member of the team, deserved their respect, but today's win didn't have anything to do with him.

He didn't belong here, somehow. He always had before, but today he just didn't. And suddenly he couldn't stand to be there.

"I'm sorry, I have to leave for a minute," he told the girl whose name he didn't know. She looked disappointed, but he didn't care. He turned and pushed through the crowd and climbed from the portrait hole.

It was late already, darkness invading the large castle, creeping down the hallways like spiders. Every little sound echoed in the dark, repeated over and over by haunted voices from an unseen source.

Sirius walked quietly, careful to stay on carpets where his footsteps were muffled. He didn't have the Marauder's Map, nor did he have the Invisibility Cloak. It was almost a little bit funny to him that James had those things, when James was practically known for his innate ability to creep through the castle undetected, visible or not.

Luckily, Sirius didn't meet anyone, and he escaped out the large front doors out into the cool night.

He felt strangely tense, a nervous, vibrating energy flowing through his veins. He thought about the goals he had let in, all four of them. He couldn't stand still.

Sirius started to run, down to the Quidditch pitch, then he ran back and forth across it. He thought about each of those goals, about how he had been too slow to catch the Quaffle.

He needed rules, he decided. Something to add a little order to things. A little control.

_Ten times across the pitch for each goal you let in_, he told himself. It made sense, in a way. One time for each point. That was fair. And then he didn't have to feel guilty about it anymore, right?

By the time he had run enough to pay for three of the goals, he was gasping for breath. He stumbled and then halted, putting his hands on his knees, panting.

_No,_ he told himself. _You have to keep going._ He shook his head, and staggered forward, running again.

Finally, he was done. He dropped to his knees at the end of the pitch, clutching at the stitch in his side. _You're pathetic_, he thought. He mentally calculated how far he had run, based on the length of the pitch. He came up with a bit under four miles.

He was sweating, though the night air was cold. When he had caught his breath, he stood up, realizing that he was shivering now.

The entrance hall wasn't much warmer when he got there. He felt better though. The jittery nervousness was gone, and his muscles ached with the exhaustion of a long day.

The common room was empty when he got there, though there were numerous remnants of party stuff still strewn about on the floor.

He climbed the spiral staircase and carefully pushed open the door to the dormitory, trying to avoid making a sound.

Sirius could see that James was asleep by the way he was sprawled across his bed, his hair half-matted and he could hear Peter snoring. Assuming Remus was also asleep, he crept towards the bathroom to shower.

"Sirius?" a soft voice came from the dark, and Sirius nearly jumped out of his skin.

He turned to see Remus, sitting up in his bed, a book on his lap. "Hey, Moony," he whispered.

"Where've you been?" his friend asked, and though he didn't sound accusatory, Sirius still began to feel defensive.

"Just wandering around," he said. It suddenly struck him how much he had been lying lately, and he decided that this instance didn't require another fib. "I went for a run."

"Why? I thought you hated running?"

"I just had a lot of extra energy. I used to hate running. Not anymore." Sirius shifted uncomfortably as Remus looked at him. "Anyways, I need to shower."

"Okay," Remus said, and picked up his book again.

"You don't have to wait up for me," Sirius said.

"I know."

Sirius went into the bathroom and turned on the shower. He removed his robes and stepped under the hot stream of water. It was too hot, really, but he didn't adjust it. The burn of it against his skin felt just a little bit good.

When he returned to the dormitory, Remus had fallen asleep, the book lying open, face-down on his chest, rising and falling with his breath. Sirius smiled a little at the sight.

He went to his own bed, on the far side of the dormitory, closest to the window, and collapsed on it, tugging the covers over him.

Sirius, completely exhausted, fell almost immediately into a deep, dreamless sleep.


	14. Chapter 14

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Fourteen**

The next week passed uneventfully. The most excitement they had was when Peter accidentally knocked over Sirius' cauldron and the Babbling Beverage he had been concocting spilled all over Snape, who was sitting at the table in front of them. James and Sirius had roared with laughter as Snape shrieked utter nonsense at them in the place of curse words.

The following weekend though, was the first Hogsmeade weekend of the year. It was the talk of all the older students.

In addition to that, Halloween was on Saturday. Needless to say, that was about as good as a weekend could get: going to Hogsmeade for a day then coming back to a magnificent feast.

At least, it was good for everyone else. Sirius, however, looked at the day with growing dread, wondering how on earth he would get out of eating a ton of fattening foods.

Sirius went running Saturday morning, early, and returned before anyone had entered the common room, quite a feat, he thought, considering how overly excited the third years were.

He showered, and did his homework, opting to let his friends sleep a while yet.

Sirius felt tired already, though the day had barely started. There was a dull throb at his temples that threatened to become a full-fledged headache and his vision felt blurry from reading so much. It was going to be a very, very long day.

When he felt it was late enough, he threw a pillow at Remus to wake him up. Then, deciding not to even bother arguing with James, he walked over to the his bed and shoved him hard, watching with vague amusement as James tried to untangle himself from the sheets enough to prevent himself from falling, and failed miserably.

"I hate you," James grumbled from the floor.

"You love me. Who are you kidding?" Sirius grinned. James picked himself up and stretched, slowly.

Suddenly, without warning, he lunged at Sirius, knocking him to the floor. James tried to pin Sirius, but the other boy put up a pretty good fight.

Sirius had just managed to get James into something akin to a headlock when the bathroom door opened and Remus came out, then started laughing.

"Honestly, you two," he said, shaking his head. James shoved Sirius and stood up quickly, running to claim the bathroom.

"I won," Sirius informed Remus.

"No you didn't!" James called through the door.

Sirius raised his eyebrows and mouthed at Remus "yes I did."

Peter was awake by this time, blinking at them rather confusedly. Sirius ignored that and started searching through his trunk.

"Prongs," he said when he heard James return to the dormitory. "I reckon we need to go to Zonko's."

"Gotta get some stuff to properly terrorize Filch," James agreed.

"Or ideas, at least," Sirius replied. They had been making their own things for pranks for a while, but a wander through a joke shop did get the ideas flowing.

Sirius tugged his cloak out of his trunk and pulled it on.

"I doubt it's cold enough out for a cloak," Remus said, eyeing him.

"It was earlier." Sirius shrugged.

By the time they went down to breakfast, the Great Hall was packed with students eager to go the nearby village.

They found some seats together, after James scared two first years into moving, and sat down to eat.

James piled his plate high with everything he could reach and started wolfing it down. Remus and Peter got their own food and began to eat.

Sirius, on the other hand, placed some food on his plate, then grabbed a newspaper. This trick was one he had finally thought of on Monday. If he read the paper while he "ate" no one could see him. He would simply vanish his food at intervals, and that took care of breakfast.

There was nothing of much interest in the paper today. Some stupid article about cauldrons melting and another article about a wizard who smuggled flying carpets into the country again.

As they walked into the entrance hall, Sirius noticed that he and his friends were strangely silent. It bothered him.

They stepped outside and Sirius grinned. Who would be walking down to Hogsmeade ahead of them but Snape?

Quietly, trying not to alert his friends, he performed a little charm to create a ball of mud, and then cast another spell.

Snape was knocked forward as the mud slammed into the back of his head, exploding all over him. Sirius hastily jammed his wand back into his robes, but not before James burst out laughing and cast him a knowing glance. Sirius grinned widely.

Snape picked himself up off the ground, swiping at his robes, turning positively crimson with fury as he turned around to see who had attacked him.

Upon spotting Sirius and James he snatched his wand from his robes, furiously murmuring a hex. Brilliant purple light shot from the end of his wand, but James deflected it easily with a wave of his own wand.

"Nice try, Snivellus," he drawled. Snape sent a curse towards Sirius, but James batted that away too, sending the jet of light back at Snape who just ducked in time.

Sirius grabbed his wand again. "Locomotor mortis!" Snape's legs snapped together and he fell over.

Peter sputtered with laughter, but Remus looked a little bit bothered. Before he could say anything though, Sirius felt his legs turn to jelly, and he collapsed to the ground.

James spun around while Sirius just looked over his shoulder. Lily Evans stormed down the path toward them, glaring already, wand gripped tightly in hand.

"You two are the most foul, loathsome –" she began, but James cut her off, grinning infuriatingly.

"Ah, Lils, you know you love me," he said.

"You're such an arrogant git," she spat, stalking past, but James caught her arm.

"C'mon, Lils, you don't mean that."

"Yes, I do!" she insisted. "Let go of me!"

"Well, you obviously don't know me very well, if you think I'm a git. Why don't you go out with me, and get to know me better?" James asked, still smiling, though he was serious now.

"I wouldn't go out with you if you were the last person on the planet!" she screeched, wrenching her arm free from his grasp. She turned on her heel and stomped away, red hair streaming behind her.

They watched as she undid the jinx on Snape then continued down the path with him. James glared after them.

Sirius, meanwhile, tried to stand up, but failed rather spectacularly due to the Jelly Legs Jinx Lily had hit him with.

"Hey," he said. "A little help here?"

Hurriedly, Remus cast the counter jinx, and James pulled Sirius to his feet.

"Well, that went well, didn't it?" James mused.

"Definitely making progress, Prongs," Sirius said sarcastically.

James' mood was rather dampened by the encounter with Lily, and he moped about for most of the day. He didn't even show much enthusiasm in Zonko's, which was surprising to Sirius.

When they finally headed back to the castle though, he seemed to finally cheer up a bit.

"Glad there's a feast tonight," James said. "I'm starving."

"Yes, because we haven't had enough candy and all that today," Remus said, making a face. They had spent over an hour in Honeydukes. Sirius had managed not to eat anything, though he did have to buy something, so as not to look suspicious.

"Well, I'm still hungry," Peter said.

_So am I,_ Sirius thought. _I'm so hungry I could probably eat everything at that feast myself. _He was getting that jittery, nervous feeling again, and he really hated it.

The Great Hall looked the same way it did every Halloween, with huge jack-o-lanterns hovering above the tables. They quickly found a place to sit. They were a tad bit early and had to wait for a few minutes until the rest of the school appeared.

"Let the feast begin," Dumbledore said, and took his seat.

Mountains of food covered the plates. Everything cooked to perfection, terribly appetizing. Sirius' stomach growled loudly.

Everyone was heaping food onto their plates. He fidgeted. Then he noticed Remus watching him and started filling his own plate as well.

He pushed everything around on his plate, but feeling Remus' eyes on him again, he took a bite. And thus was his downfall.

Everything was so good, and he was just so hungry. He hadn't eaten all day, and barely anything the day before. And today, once he took one bite, he had to take another and another and another. He couldn't stop. It was all too good.

By the time the plates cleared, Sirius had eaten seconds of everything, and even thirds of some. His stomach felt uncomfortably full and he was beginning to panic.

"That was a great feast," James commented as they walked up the stairs.

"It was," Peter agreed, smiling happily.

Sirius chewed on his lip, unable to take his mind off of the panic that was rising in his throat.

_What do I do, what do I do?_ He couldn't go to bed this full. He could go out and run, just run all night. His stomach already hurt, he could hardly imagine how much it would protest all that running.

His stomach already hurt…it wouldn't take much…

"I've got to stop in the bathroom," he said suddenly. "I'll meet you all up there, okay?"

"Sure," James said easily. He and the others continued up the stairs, but Sirius walked quickly down the third floor corridor.

The bathroom was thankfully empty when he reached it. He locked the door behind him, then went into the last stall, dropping to his knees in front of the toilet.

He concentrated on the sick feeling in his stomach. It rumbled, but nothing else.

_C'mon_ he thought desperately. Without a further thought, he shoved two fingers down his throat.

It all came up then, and when it was over, he flushed the toilet and then sat back, leaning against the wall, gasping for breath.

_I can't believe I did that,_ he thought. But the sour taste in his mouth and the hollow ache of his stomach told him to believe it. But, this wasn't something normal people do. People with problems do stuff like this.

He stood up and went over to the sink, rinsing his mouth and splashing water on his face. Then he just leaned against it and stared at himself in the mirror, studying the pale face, shadowed eyes.

_Never again,_ he thought. "I won't do that ever again," he told his reflection.

He still felt guilty as he exited the bathroom into the empty hallway. He felt like he had lied to himself.

"I won't do it again," he told himself. "I won't. I promise."


	15. Chapter 15

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Fifteen**

Sirius kept his promise. November arrived, and with it a series of storms, as well as some very chilly weather, the sort that just begs you to eat a lot of warm food and drink a lot of hot chocolate. But Sirius, afraid if he ate anything he wouldn't be able to stop eating, as had happened on Halloween, merely picked at his food. He did, however, develop an addiction to coffee, and by the last week of November, he felt he couldn't survive without it.

"Coffee," Sirius demanded, as the Marauders sat down at breakfast. James rolled his eyes dramatically and passed Sirius some coffee.

"It's no wonder you can't sleep, Sirius," Remus said. "What with all the coffee you drink."

"It's warm," Sirius defended, citing one of the reasons he loved it. He had been so cold lately, he felt as though drinking something scalding hot was the only way not to freeze to death. But he also liked the fact that it had a ton of caffeine because, as Moony had said, he had insomnia. James had told him to go the hospital wing and get something to help him sleep, but he had refused.

"Do we have any exams today?" Peter asked as he buttered toast.

"No," Remus replied. "Might be getting our Transfiguration tests back though."

Sirius grabbed a newspaper and hid his plate from view. He waved his wand and vanished some of his food. _Silent spells are great,_ he thought.

"Care of Magical Creatures is going to be awful," James moaned, looking up at the ceiling of the Great Hall, at the cold drizzle that the enchanted ceiling portrayed.

"No joke," Sirius muttered. "We'll probably be soaked."

"And it's first hour," James continued.

"So we'll be soaked at least until lunch," Sirius finished.

"You complain too much," Remus grumbled.

"They're right, though," Peter said, siding with James and Sirius, as always.

When breakfast was over, they trudged down to the edge of the forbidden forest where the Care of Magical Creatures class met.

Indeed, it was a miserable lesson. They learned about hippogriffs, which was nothing terribly new, and also required them to stand outside in the rain the entire time. Sirius spent the majority of the class sitting on a rock next to the paddock the hippogriffs were in, trying to hold his sopping hair out of his face so that he could actually see.

"I want a roll of parchment on how to properly groom a hippogriff, due next class!" Professor Kettleburn announced. "Class dismissed."

Sirius jumped up, ready to be out of the rain. But as he did so, everything started to spin around him, he felt off-balance, and his vision went blurry, then black for a moment. He dropped to his knees, his head in his hands, blinking, trying to make everything go back to normal.

"Sirius!" A hand grabbed his shoulder. Sirius blinked again and the ground came into focus, rain slapping into sluggish mud. The hand on his shoulder shook him and he looked up into the face of James. "What's wrong?"

Sirius shook his head and blinked again. "Nothing. I'm fine." He shrugged off James' hand and stood up carefully, swatting at the mud clinging to his robes.

"Honestly, what was that?" Remus demanded, his voice attempting to hide fear. James stared at him intently.

"I just…I got dizzy for a second, is all." Sirius avoided their eyes by straightening his clothes and brushing off more sticky mud. "It's not a big deal. I'm fine."

"Are you sick?" Peter asked.

"No."

"Your blood sugar is probably low," Remus said. At this, James looked away from Sirius and over at Remus, askance.

"What does _that_ mean?" he asked, vaguely annoyed.

"It's a muggle medicine thing. If you haven't eaten or something," Remus said, shrugging.

"I just ate breakfast," Sirius said, and he started walking up to the castle, the others walking beside him.

"Still. You should eat something now. It'll help," Remus said.

"I'm fine. I'm not hungry," Sirius said, secretly feeling a little panicky.

"Please, Sirius?" Remus said.

"I have a granola bar," Peter offered, pulling it out of his bag and handing it to Sirius. Peter always had food.

"C'mon Padfoot," James said quietly so only Sirius could hear.

"I'm fine," Sirius said. But knowing they wouldn't drop the subject, he tore open the wrapper of the granola bar and took a small bite. James nodded with approval, but Remus still looked worried. "We'll be late to Transfiguration if we don't hurry up," Sirius said, trying to distract them.

They just made it before the bell rang. As they pulled their books out of their bags, Sirius inconspicuously shoved the remaining half of the granola bar into the bottom. _There, problem solved._ Or at least, one problem. He was still soaked from the rain, and quite cold. But there wasn't anything to be done about that.

They were ordered to practice silent spells again, transfiguring mice into matchboxes. James and Remus completed the task easily and were given a more difficult one.

Peter was as hopeless as usual, and didn't manage to do much of anything with his mouse. And today, sadly, Sirius was in the same group as Peter.

He couldn't focus. His head was still spinning a bit, though he was careful not to show any signs of such. He tried to concentrate on the spell, but it just wasn't working.

James gave him a strange look when he noticed the trouble Sirius was having. Transfiguration had always come easy to both of them.

"You okay, mate?"

"Of course," Sirius said. "I just…I don't know. My mind's not on this."

"What are you thinking about?" James asked.

"Just…other stuff. Nothing in particular."

Before James could respond, Professor McGonagall ordered them to put away their wands.

"She's handing back exams!" Peter whispered, looking anxious.

Sirius felt his heart sink. He didn't want to see this exam. He wanted to pretend it had never happened.

"Mr. Black." His paper slid onto his desk, face-down. He stared at the blank side of it, willing the grade to be higher than what he thought it was.

Remus leaned over and whispered, "How'd you do?"

Sirius vaguely recalled mentioning to Remus that he hadn't felt too great about the exam. Now he wished he hadn't; Remus would never ask about it, otherwise.

He turned over his paper, immediately bending the edges toward himself so no one else could see the large red "D" at the top, or the note scrawled at the bottom: "See me after class."

"Okay," he said to Remus, offering a half-smile. Remus nodded and smiled back at him.

"Class dismissed."

"I need to go talk to McGonagall about a detention," Sirius told his friends. He was sure that would be true soon enough.

"What for?" James asked, surprised.

"Filch got a tad bit…agitated at me after I got mud all over the first floor hallway," Sirius said. That wasn't a lie either. It was a true story, just not one relevant to this particular meeting.

"Oh. We'll save you a seat at lunch," Remus said.

"Thanks." Sirius waited until everyone had left the room before he approached McGonagall's desk.

"You wanted to see me?" he said slowly.

"Yes. Black, I'm sure you've noticed your test scores have been rather…"

"Pathetically horrible?" Sirius offered.

"Dismal," she said, as though he hadn't spoken. "Your grade in this class has dropped significantly."

"Am I failing?" he asked, dreading the answer.

"No. But fast approaching it. It has been pointed out to me by other professors that all your marks are steadily declining."

"I, uh, I –" Sirius mumbled, then stopped. There wasn't much he could say.

"Is there something we should know about?" McGonagall asked, looking a little less severe.

Sirius frowned a little. What was he supposed to say? Was he supposed to promise to work harder, study more, what?

"I mean," she said, clarifying. "Is there any reason that you haven't been getting the marks you usually do? Something wrong?"

What sort of question was that? Professors aren't supposed to ask things like that. Professors are supposed to assign homework and give you detention when you don't do it.

"Sirius?" He flinched. He was losing focus again.

"Sorry. No, professor. Everything's fine."

"I see. Well, then I would advise you to pay a little more attention to your classes," she said, leaning back a bit, surveying him through her spectacles.

"Yes, professor."

"Off you go."

"Yes, professor." Sirius left as quickly as he could, but he didn't go down to the Great Hall. He went upstairs, into the empty dormitory and flopped onto his bed.

_What are you doing?_ he asked himself. _What is wrong with you?_

The dizziness was very irksome. He was dizzy a lot, but never like that… And what if it happened again? What if his friends noticed?

He couldn't let everything go downhill like this. There was no reason for it, and it drew unwanted attention.

_I'll have to come up with a good excuse. And I've got to study more. That's all._ More studying, less goofing off. _Just work harder._

But he was so tired. So utterly exhausted, unable to concentrate. He felt worn down.

_Doesn't matter. You have to do it. _He always did what he had to, in the end. Always picked himself up and kept going, rolled with the punches, ready for anything.

That's what he'd do. He would keep going. Pick himself up, and keep going. He would get back up to being top in the year, great Quidditch player, brilliant prankster, the ever-renowned Sirius Black, even if it killed him.

* * *

Sirius found it disconcerting how easily lying came to him.

Running in to the Defense Against the Dark Arts class room thirty seconds before the bell and sliding into his seat, he lied. He said he went to the library to get a book for homework, when really, he had been lying on his bed thinking about his grades.

Pulling out his books, finding a quill, he lied again. He said he wasn't hungry, when really, he was starving.

Opening the textbook to the right page and writing out the title of the chapter, he lied once again. He said McGonagall had given him detention on Friday, when really, his only plans on Friday were to go running and then study.

They believed it all.

It wasn't really his friends' fault, he supposed. They didn't know that they shouldn't have believed him. They didn't know that he lied like that. For that matter, Sirius himself hadn't known it prior to this year.

But lying came easier than the truth now. While they practiced a new spell, when asked why he couldn't get his to work, he said he didn't want to bother. Lie. He could have told them he was tired, that his head pounded, that he was pretty sure he was getting sick, but he didn't.

He had always lied a little, he supposed. About his home life, the bruises that often decorated his skin, the reason he didn't ask them to his house when they were on holiday. But the excessive lying was really beginning to bother him.

Sirius had a sneakoscope in the bottom of his trunk, under a pile of robes. He had to keep it there, because whenever he was near it, it spun and whistled.


	16. Chapter 16

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Sixteen**

Peter hated to be left out. And he always was. Being around the other Marauders was something akin to being a normal person in the presence of two people with a flair for Legimency and one who was very gifted in Divination.

James and Sirius could read each other's minds, often making mental leaps that Peter was unable to follow, but Remus always seemed to know what was going on and how it would turn out, as though he could see the future.

One evening, early in December, James looked across the table at Sirius, his usual smile and easy-going manner absent. "Padfoot," he said. "I think it's time."

"I think it is," Sirius said solemnly.

"Time for what?" Peter broke in. They ignored him and he was reduced to hanging on to their every word, trying to discern the meaning behind it.

"It's been quite long enough," James said.

"We've got the new… we could try it out," Sirius suggested.

"Friday?"

"We'll have to jinx it when…" Sirius said.

"Yeah…could be tricky," James said thoughtfully.

"I can do it," Sirius said.

James grinned. "Then I'll –"

"Yeah. You'll have to –"

"Or just transfigure –"

"That could work better," Sirius said, nodding. "You'll have to do a good job with it, though."

"I'm gifted," James said.

"But if it isn't perfect…"

"We could get the potion, I guess."

"Might be better."

"Tonight?"

"Okay," Sirius agreed. James nodded and took a giant bite of bread, making further conversation impossible.

"What are you _talking_ about?" Peter demanded.

"Shut up!" Sirius hissed. "Honestly, Wormtail. Announce it to the whole table, why don't you?"

"Sorry," Peter mumbled, quailing under Sirius' gaze. He glanced at Remus, who seemed to know what was going on. "I just don't get it."

"What?" Remus asked, raising his eyebrows.

"What are they talking about?"

"You'll see," James said mysteriously.

Peter waited on pins and needles for the next two days, excited to know what was going to happen. He watched James and Sirius carefully, waiting for them to do something that would clue him in.

However, they were the masters of secrecy, and they gave away nothing. Their habits didn't change at all, though Sirius did maybe study more than he usually did. James pursued Lily, as always, asking her out at least once a day, regardless of how icy her voice was when he greeted her.

When Friday rolled around, Peter could barely contain his excitement. But the morning passed without event.

Just before lunch though, they finally made mention of their plan. James and Sirius herded Remus and Peter into Moaning Myrtle's bathroom on the second floor.

"Why are we here?" Peter asked. "It's a girls' room." They had been in here many times, of course, as it was an ideal place to hide things, but still, it seemed to Peter that the point was still valid.

"Because we don't want people to see this," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

"How thick are you, Wormtail? Honestly," James said. "Okay. Here's the potion."

Remus hesitantly accepted the vial of mud colored potion he was given.

"Padfoot?" James prompted. Sirius reached up to his long, neat hair and jerked a couple pieces out. Remus uncapped the vial, and Sirius dropped the hairs in. They all watched as it turned a deep crimson.

"Polyjuice?" Peter asked.

Sirius rolled his eyes again, and none of them bothered to answer.

"Why me?" Remus asked suddenly. "Just out of curiosity."

"Because. If me or Sirius is missing, then they'll know it was us. Everyone knows you wouldn't do anything like what we're doing," James explained, grinning with self-importance.

"Why not me?" Peter asked.

"Because everyone knows you'd do it if James said to," Sirius said, a tad bit contemptuously. Peter fell silent as Remus locked himself in one of the stalls and drank the potion.

They all tried not to listen, all very aware that Polyjuice potion was somewhat painful. When Remus came out of the stall, he looked exactly like Sirius. Remus carried the robes he had been wearing, now wearing a pair of Sirius' robes, because Sirius was a fair bit taller than Remus.

"Okay. So now you go down to lunch," Sirius said to the other Marauders.

"And you go put the stuff in the supply cabinet," James responded. "Here's the cloak."

Sirius threw the Invisibility Cloak over himself, and vanished. The others quickly left the bathroom and went down to lunch, just a couple minutes later than most of the other people.

"What's he doing?" Peter whispered loudly to James.

"Nothing, Wormtail, now be quiet," James said, searching the Great Hall. Apparently spotting whatever he was looking for, he strode purposefully through the hall, sliding into a seat right next to Lily Evans.

"Hello, Lily," James said pleasantly.

"Go away, Potter."

"I thought you'd like to see me," James said, putting on a hurt look. "I'm shocked, Lily, simply shocked."

Lily turned and glared at him. "Just go away before you make me mad."

"I won't make you mad, Lily. Really, I won't even bother you," James said.

"Yeah, Potter, I'm sure I believe that."

"I really thought we were on a first name basis now."

"We're not."

"Oh. That might make things interesting when you go out with me this weekend," James said, smiling a little.

"I'm not going out with you!" Lily exclaimed.

"Ah, c'mon, you know you want to," James wheedled.

"No!"

"Please?"

"No!" She stood up and quickly picked up her bag, then moved away from them.

"Well, you tried," Remus said in a decent imitation of Sirius' voice. James looked put out, but his face quickly lit up at the sight of all the food that had gone unnoticed previously.

When they were finished eating, they ran back up the stairs to Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, anxious to get there before Remus became Remus again.

Sirius was sitting on the floor next to the door when they got there, head in his hands.

"You okay?" Remus asked him.

Sirius looked up, surprised. "Yeah. I'm fine. Just a bit of a headache."

Remus started to say something, but James cut him off. "Did you do it?"

"'Course," Sirius said, grinning.

"You know, if you go now, you could probably still get some lunch," Remus said thoughtfully.

"I'm not really hungry," Sirius said. "Isn't it about time for the potion to wear off?"

"Yeah," Remus said, disappearing into the bathroom stall.

"Where's Myrtle today?" James wondered aloud.

"What, you didn't hear? The ghosts are having a party today, one of their deathdays. I forget whose," Sirius said, waving a hand dismissively.

"You still haven't told me what's going to happen!" Peter almost yelled.

"You'll see," James said mysteriously.

Remus returned, once again looking like Remus. "It's time for Charms," he said, looking tired.

"Mustn't be late, right Padfoot?"

"Must get that learning started, Prongs."

When they got to Charms, Peter sat on the edge of his seat, ready to see what they had plotted. Flitwick set them to work charming spoons to cartwheel.

Peter raised his wand and pointed it at his spoon, but Sirius grabbed his arm and stopped him from attempting the charm.

The classroom burst into a loud exclamation of incantations as everyone else tried the spell. The sounds quickly turned to startled yells however, as the spoons, rather than cartwheeling, flew up and began beating people over the head. Only the four marauders had well-behaved spoons.

James and Sirius began laughing,

"Good heavens, what is this?" Flitwick shouted, sending a charm at one of the spoons, trying to make it stop. His charm missed and hit a book behind the student instead, causing a huge explosion of papers.

Lily Evans hit her spoon with the Impedimenta jinx, and it promptly began to shoot off sparks.

"Professor Flitwick!" she shrieked. His next attempt was aimed at that spoon, and it worked, the spoon clattered back to the desk and lay still.

After a few minutes, the classroom was calm again.

"I just used these before lunch, and they were fine then. Who is responsible for this?" Flitwick squeaked. "Potter? Black?"

"No, Professor," James said innocently, while Sirius shook his head.

"This is something you two would do," Flitwick said, looking suspicious.

"We were at lunch, sir," Sirius said, managing to keep a straight face, even as he noticed James surreptitiously pointing his wand at something from under the desk.

"Professor!" Lily yelled again as Flitwick's desk promptly transformed into a pig, which started to run around the room, pausing only to eat random pieces of paper.

"Oh for heavens' sake!" Flitwick screeched. "This is ridiculous!" One of the spoons leapt up from the table and attacked him as he went to transfigure the pig back into his desk.

"Go! Just go! Class dismissed!" Flitwick said as he fended off the spoon.

Everyone scurried from the room, only slowing once they reached the hallway, meandering towards their common rooms.

"Brilliant," James said, grinning.

"Whole afternoon off!" Sirius said.

"That was supposed to be a double lesson," Remus said, looking vaguely dismayed.

"This was better!" Peter exclaimed.

"It _was_ you!" Lily yelled from behind them. "I knew it! James Potter, you prat!"

"Hey, hey, hey," James said, holding up his hands in defense. "There's no need for name-calling. I couldn't have done it. I was at lunch, remember?"

"As was I," Sirius said.

"Remus wasn't," she said.

"Ah, but you see, Remus is a prefect. He's much too nice and good to do such a thing," James said, smiling infuriatingly at her anger.

Lily's green eyes flashed and she spun on her heel and stalked away in the direction of the library.

"You'd think she'd appreciate the extra time to study," Sirius commented, raising his eyebrows.

"What should we do now?" James asked, already having moved on to the next thing.

"Dunno," Sirius said.

"You'd think," Remus said. "With all the planning you put into this, you'd at least think of something we could do instead of class."

"Hogsmeade?" James suggested. They looked around at each other, then hurried towards the nearest passage out of the castle.


	17. Chapter 17

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Seventeen**

By the second week in December, the school was buzzing with excitement over the upcoming holiday. Hogwarts was sparkling with Christmas decorations, the grounds were blanketed in soft, delicate snow.

Though very few students had chosen to do so, the marauders intended to stay at Hogwarts for the holidays. As James had pointed out, there was no reason to go all the way home when there was plenty of fun to be had right where they were, and everyone else agreed.

On the second Saturday of December, exactly two weeks before Christmas, the four friends made their way down to the Great Hall for breakfast.

"We could have a party on the last day of term," James was saying.

"Why would we do that?" Remus asked.

"Why wouldn't we do that?" Sirius countered, as they sat down at the nearly empty table.

"It'd be fun," Peter said.

"But it'd be a lot of work," Remus pointed out.

"What are you talking about, Moony?" James said as he heaped scrambled eggs on his plate.

"We'd need decorations, music, food…" Remus began.

"We know the house elves," James said dismissively.

"You can't just –" Remus said, but James cut him off.

"They'd be happy to do it."

"But –"

"You know he's right," Sirius said.

Remus sighed in resignation. "Look, the post."

Owls soared into the hall, obscuring the ceiling from view in a flutter of feathery wings. As always, an owl swooped low and dropped newspapers for both Remus and Sirius. However, today another owl flew low towards them, landing in front of Sirius and holding out its leg so he could remove the letter attached to it.

_Sirius, _

_You will be coming home for the Christmas holidays. Do not argue, this decision is final._

It wasn't even signed.

"What's it say?" Peter asked curiously as Sirius crumpled the parchment and jammed it into his pocket. His chest suddenly felt tight, like he couldn't breathe.

"I have to go home for the holiday," Sirius muttered.

"What? Why?" James demanded.

"Dunno. Just says I have to." Had he done something wrong? His father must be angry at him.

As he thought this, it suddenly hit him: his marks, though not failing, despite his best efforts of late were not nearly up to par, and his father was sure to know about it.

_The empty glass is set down hard on the smooth wood of the dining room table as Orion stands unsteadily. His beady eyes fix on Sirius as he grips the back of the chair so hard the knuckles of his large hand turn white. With the other hand he beckons Sirius to come toward him, through the open doors to the living room. _

_Regulus looks up at his father, then at Sirius, eyes wide. He knows what is coming, and wonders if this time he will get to see the well-deserved castigation. He looks back at Orion, waiting. _

_Walburga sips her wine primly, without even looking up. Her pale skin shows not even the slightest hint of colour, hides every emotion, every sign of life. She looks like a very solid, formidable ghost. _

_Sirius rises and follows his father into the living room. The carpet murmurs softly under his trainers as he turns. _

_One large hand with a big, silver ring compacts into a fist. The other hand rescues a crumpled letter from a black sea of robes and proceeds to strangle it. _

_Sirius stares at the red wax of the seal on the envelope. He can hear his father's teeth grinding together. _

_Bone, cushioned only slightly by a layer of skin, and the silver ring slam into his head and his knees buckle. He is on the ground, the red wax of the seal meandering across his hazy vision. _

_Hard rubber and tough leather kick his stomach and his throat lets out a groan that he did not okay. He is not in control anymore. _

_An arm across his shoulders swiftly, and he is lying on his stomach on the floor. The carpet whispers to him, but falls silent under the oppressive footsteps of Orion. _

_"Had enough?" Breath that reeks of alcohol. "Or will you get up and take it like a man?" _

_Sirius pushes himself up to hands and knees before another blow on his back collapses him to the floor again. Dust stings his eyes. That's the only reason for the tears that threaten to drown the silent carpet. _

_"Pathetic." It echoes in his brain. "Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic!"_

_"Sirius?" A small voice from the dining room. Sirius looks over at Regulus listlessly. "Sirius?"_

"Sirius?" Remus asked. "You in there?"

Sirius stood up abruptly, surprising his friends. "I forgot my homework. I'll be right back."

He hurried as much as he could without drawing attention to himself. The cavernous entrance hall was empty, no one around to see him stumble on the stairs and just sit down, wrapping his arms around his knees as he breathed hard and fast the way he did after running farther than usual.

"Sirius?" He hugged his legs to his chest harder and closed his eyes tight. "Sirius, look at me."

A hand was pushing at his shoulder, pulling at his arms. He opened his eyes to the brilliant green eyes of Lily Evans.

"Are you okay?" she asked softly, a hand reaching up to rest at the side of his face, forcing him to look at her.

Sirius nodded, brushing her hand away, not trusting his voice to speak. He tried to slow his breathing.

"What's wrong?"

He shook his head and looked away. He heard a slight _pop!_ and the sound of water being poured. He looked up again as he was handed a cup of water.

"Drink this," Lily said. She sat down next to him on the cold marble staircase. He sipped the water cautiously.

"Thank you," he said finally. She nodded.

After a few moments, she said, "I used to have panic attacks like that."

"It wasn't –"

"I got them whenever I thought I was failing, or was going to get in trouble for something," she continued, as though she couldn't hear him. "It's okay, you know. It happens to a lot of people."

"Why are you being so nice to me? You hate me," Sirius pointed out.

She raised her eyebrows, surprised. "No, I don't."

"Me and James drive you crazy."

"I don't hate you."

"Oh."

"And even if I did, it wouldn't matter. You looked upset."

Sirius remained silent.

"Do you want to tell me what happened?" she asked gently.

"No," he answered quickly.

"Okay," she said easily, and stood up. "But you should know, you can talk to me any time. I imagine it's a bit difficult to talk to James Potter about some things. If you ever need to talk, just ask."

She turned to walk away then, her hair swinging about her shoulders. Sirius remained sitting on the staircase, the cold of the stone seeping through his robes.

The Great Hall contained happy, light-hearted conversation, echoing through the room and slipping out through the open doors. Sirius sat outside the hall, wishing he could have joined in.


	18. Chapter 18

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Eighteen**

The next week slipped by much too quickly for James' liking as midterms, rather than creeping up on them as they used to, came at them with both the speed and force of a runaway train. The Sunday before the first midterm found the Gryffindor common room virtually silent, the only sound the crackling of the fire and whispers of students over notes and flashcards.

James scanned a paragraph of the Transfiguration text book, then groaned and let his head fall to rest on it. "I can't do this anymore."

Remus glanced up, surprised. "Do what?"

"Read. Study. Learn. Can't you just do some spell to put the information into my head?" James whined.

Remus shook his head and looked down at the book he was studying.

"All this studying is making me hungry, too!" James griped.

"So go get something to eat," Peter mumbled, squinting at some illegible notes.

James sighed irritably. "Padfoot, mate, come with me?"

"Not hungry," Sirius said softly, scribbling something onto a scrap of parchment.

"You've been sitting in that chair reading textbooks all day. You haven't even stopped to eat. You've got to be starving!" James argued.

"I'm not!" Sirius snapped. "I'm just busy studying, or trying, what with the racket you're making."

"What is your problem?" James asked. "You never do anything but study anymore!"

Sirius shook his head and glared at the book, refusing to respond.

"I mean, look at you. You've got dark circles under your eyes because you don't sleep. All your clothes are too big because you hardly eat!"

"I sleep fine. I eat fine," Sirius said.

"Sirius…" Remus closed his book. "James is right. You look ill."

"I'm fine," Sirius said sharply.

"We're just worried, Sirius. You've been really different ever since school started," Remus continued.

"No, I haven't," Sirius said. James watched his eyes darken, his face flush angrily. Peter looked back and forth between Remus and Sirius, worried.

"You never used to have nightmares," Remus said carefully. "You never used to skip meals."

"So what if I'm different?" Sirius demanded hotly. "What would you know about any of it?" He snapped his book shut and stood up, his chair almost toppling. Sirius snatched his book bag off the floor, and turned to walk away.

"Sirius," James began.

"Leave me alone," Sirius snapped, and stalked across the common room before climbing out of the portrait hole.

James stared after him, suddenly becoming aware of the many eyes turned on their table. "Oy! What are you all looking at?" he yelled. Everyone turned away quickly.

He turned to Remus and spoke with a lower voice. "What was that all about?"

"I don't know," Remus said softly.

"Something's going on with him," James said.

"Something he doesn't want us to know about," Remus responded.

"Where do you think he went?" Peter asked.

James shook his head, but Remus said, "Probably outside to run."

"What?" James demanded.

"He goes running a lot now," Remus informed him. "That's probably where he went."

"I'm going after him," James said, standing up abruptly.

"He said he wanted to be alone," Peter said, timidly.

"I don't care," James said, and walked away from them quickly.

James didn't meet anyone on the way to the front doors, not even Filch or his mangy pet. The emptiness of the hallways struck him as odd, but then again, it was getting pretty late.

Once outside, James realized, to his chagrin, that he hadn't brought his cloak. Large snowflakes were swept down in a strong wind. He shivered and wrapped his arms around himself to keep warm. After a few moments, his eyes adjusted to the dark, and he started walking.

It was so quiet that he could hear the sound of snow being compacted under his trainers with each step, and it wasn't long before his shoes were soaked through. He resolved to get Sirius and go back inside quickly, before they both froze.

It occurred to him that he didn't really know where Sirius went to go running. James was not a runner himself, and had no idea where one would go. The only place he could think was the Quidditch pitch, where distance could be measured easily, so he trudged in that direction.

As he approached, he knew he had found the right place. There was a voice reverberating slightly around the stadium, though the source was undetermined.

When he stepped onto the pitch, he could see a dark-haired person running toward the other goal posts. He saw Sirius' book bag lying on the ground outside the locker room, one book lying open on top, and apparently, reading itself aloud.

He heard footsteps behind him, and turned. "Neat charm, there," James complimented, indicating the book. Sirius looked away and continued running. He turned at the line, and went back to run the other way.

"Sirius, wait," James called, but his friend didn't slow. Sighing, James broke into a run.

He caught Sirius pretty quickly, as his own pace was more of a sprint than a slower, more endurable pace.

"Sirius," James said, catching his friend's arm, and slowing, pulling both of them to a halt.

"Leave me alone, James," Sirius said.

"I want to talk to you."

"I don't want to talk!"

"You don't know what I want to talk about," James pointed out.

"Oh, I don't? This isn't going to be all about how I'm different this year, how I study too much and look awful?"

"Well, I was going to say that it's freezing out here, but if you want to talk about all of that, we can," James answered, smiling a little, trying to lighten the mood.

Sirius made no answer, just looked down and kicked at the snow.

"Look, Padfoot, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to attack you like that. You know I didn't."

Sirius shook his head, still avoiding James' eyes.

"It's just, we're all worried about you."

"I'm fine," Sirius said quickly.

"You don't look it," James said. "You look thin. And really tired, like you haven't slept in a while."

"I'm just stressed," Sirius said. He wrapped his arms around himself, putting his hands under his arms to keep them warm.

"Why?"

"Just…trying to get good marks," Sirius answered.

"You always do fine," James said.

"I guess."

"You do. You're almost top in our class!"

"I haven't been doing so great this year," Sirius confided, looking up at James.

"Really?" James asked, surprised. He hadn't known.

"I had a few bad tests."

"That's okay. It's not a big deal," James said easily.

"It will be to my father," Sirius said softly. "I don't want him to be mad at me."

"My parents get mad at me for stuff all the time," James offered.

"It's not really the same thing, James," Sirius said, sadly, shaking his head.

"Sirius," James said, fixing his gaze on his friend. "What happens when your father gets mad?"

"It's nothing," Sirius said, looking down. "I just don't like to disappoint him. He's still upset that I'm in Gryffindor. You know they tried to get me moved into Slytherin? He just expects me to do really well, to at least uphold the family name somehow."

"Why do marks matter so much, though?" James asked. "I mean, why do you have to be good at school?"

"It's not just that, it's everything. I have to do really well at everything. He was really mad about the Quidditch Cup last year."

"You can't be perfect," James pointed out.

"I know," Sirius whispered.

They stood silent for a moment.

"We're here for you no matter what," James said.

"Thanks." Sirius smiled. "Hey, James?"

"Hmm?"

"Let's go inside. I'm freezing."

James laughed. "Finally! It's gotta be ten below out here."


	19. Chapter 19

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Nineteen**

All Sirius really wanted was to be alone.

He found an empty compartment on the train, dropped his bag on a seat, and sat by the window. The floor beneath him began to rumble as the train was put in motion. Tiredly, he leaned against the window, closing his eyes and letting the cold glass soothe his headache.

Midterms had gone all right, he thought. It was strange that they had been so early this year, but it seemed all the teachers had wanted to give tests before the winter break, so they had decided to move up midterms.

As he was thinking this, a light tapping came from the door of the compartment. He glanced over, raising his eyebrows when he saw Lily Evans slide the door open.

"Hi. Can I sit here?" she asked kindly.

"Uh, yeah, sure," he stammered.

She sat down gracefully and stared out the window at the snow-covered castle they were leaving behind.

"Your other friends are staying at Hogwarts?" she surmised.

"Yeah."

"Why aren't you?"

"My father wanted me to come home," Sirius said, turning to look out the window.

"But you don't want to," Lily guessed.

Sirius paused. "No, I don't."

"Why not?" she asked simply.

"I don't really want to talk about this, okay?" Sirius said, looking straight at her.

"Okay."

Sirius nodded, and went back to staring out the window.

"Sirius?"

"Hmm?"

"The other night in the common room…well, you know they were only trying to help, right?" Lily fidgeted a little bit.

"Yeah." He suddenly realized everyone had heard that fight. Great.

"They're just worried about you."

"I know."

"You just…" she trailed off. Sirius looked at her sharply.

"Just what?" he demanded.

"You don't look very happy," she finished, studying him.

"I'm fine." He thought for a moment. "I just hate going home for the holidays."

"So you said." She nodded.

"My family isn't really into…" he searched for words.

"Christmas?"

"Celebrating." He forced a smile. "It's kind of…well, my parents celebrate achievements. A yearly holiday isn't much of an achievement."

"They put a lot of pressure on you," she said, and it wasn't a question.

Sirius nodded. "I guess you could say that."

"You feel like you have to please them."

"I can't, though." Sirius looked away. "I don't even want to please them, exactly. I just don't want to make them mad."

Lily nodded with understanding.

"They're into that pureblood stuff, and I hate the whole idea. But they think I'm disgracing the family name by talking to people with mixed blood."

"Then they're crazy," Lily said fiercely.

"I know they are," Sirius said honestly, meeting her eyes. "But it's hard when I'm the only one who believes that. Sometimes it seems like it would be easier to just let them have their way."

"And what? Quit talking to anyone who isn't pureblood? Is that what you want?" she demanded.

"No. I'm just so tired…" he stopped.

Lily opened her mouth to respond, but was cut off by the compartment door sliding open. "Anything from the trolley?"

Lily stood and selected a couple things. She turned to see Sirius had remained seated. "Aren't you going to get something?"

"I'm not hungry," he said, and for once it wasn't a lie. The prospect of seeing his father had him so nervous he actually felt sick.

"Oh. Okay."

Lily and Sirius talked for the rest of the train ride. She told him about her family, about her sister especially. She told him how she became friends with Snape, and how much it bothered her to see Sirius and James hex him.

"C'mon!" Sirius protested. "Snape jinxes us every chance he gets!"

"You do the same!" she threw back. "But it's both of you against just him!"

"Yeah, but –" Sirius stopped. "That's actually a good point."

"I know it is."

"Okay, maybe we've been a little rough on Snape. But you have to admit, he hasn't exactly been nice to us, either. And he's into the Dark arts."

"I know," she sighed. "I don't know how that happened."

"I don't know how that ever happens," Sirius said, looking down at his hands. "I just don't get how people can think any of that stuff."

"I like that about you, Sirius," Lily said, smiling. "You always know what's right."

"No, I don't," Sirius denied.

"Sure you do."

"In that case, I think you should give James a chance."

"Why?" She wrinkled her nose at him.

"He's a good guy. And he likes you a lot."

"He's just so arrogant, though…"

"He's better when you get to know him," Sirius said. "I know he seems conceited and everything, but he cares a lot about people."

"Mmm," Lily hummed noncommittally.

Sirius fell silent.

"We're almost there, I think," Lily said, squinting out the window. There wasn't really anything to get ready, they were both already in muggle clothes. Sirius glanced down at his faded, loose jeans and floppy T-shirt and vaguely wondered whether he would get punished for going out in public in such a state.

When the train halted, Sirius stood and picked up his bag. "Ready?" he asked.

"Yeah." Lily stood as well and they moved out of the compartment. "Uh, Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"Aren't your parents going to be mad if they see you talking to me?"

"It doesn't matter." He climbed down the steps off the train, and turned to help Lily down as well.

When she let go of his hand, she surprised him by pulling him into a hug. "Take care, okay?" she whispered in his ear, and he wondered if maybe she wasn't even smarter than he had thought.

"You too," he said softly. She let go of him.

"Have a good holiday," she said, smiling, and turned away.

"Bye," he called to her retreating form.

A hand grasped his shoulder tightly and he was pulled around to stare into the face of his father.

"What the bloody hell are you thinking, being seen with that Mudblood?" Orion hissed through clenched teeth.

"She's my friend," Sirius retorted.

"How dare you –"

"Orion!" Sirius' mother put a hand on his arm. "Not here," she said in a low voice. Regulus walked up from behind his parents, having exited the train.

"Let's go," Orion said roughly, without releasing Sirius. He Disapparated, dragging Sirius along with him.

* * *

His room looked forgotten. Everything was coated in a layer of dust, everything a little grayer than the last time he saw it. His bed was still unmade, extra blankets piled on top. He would need those tonight. The window had been left open a crack, and the air felt sharp in his lungs like he was inhaling crystals of ice.

Sirius limped slowly towards the dresser, careful not to trip on any of the T-shirts he had left strewn across the floor over the summer. He didn't want to risk making noise and invoking the wrath of his father for the second time tonight.

He opened the drawers and dug through the folded, cramped material. The fingers of his right hand brushed each item, searching for the right texture. His left hand remained cradled against him, out of harm's way.

The sweatshirt was at the very bottom. Sirius tugged it out, cringing as the mirror above the dresser danced gracelessly from side to side, ready to fall. When it didn't, he breathed a sigh of relief, and then bit his lip as pain coursed through his chest.

Another drawer yielded pajama bottoms from two years ago, the stripes long since faded, beaten from the material by spirited pillow fights.

Before he turned to move away from the old dresser, he caught sight of himself in the mirror, and stopped. His right eye was dark and swollen, a trickle of blood trailing from his eyebrow to his cheekbone. A smear of blood on his upper lip, the product of a rather excessive nosebleed. His cheek was swollen, red and raw. His teeth were stained with blood. His T-shirt was torn and bloodied, now due only a trip to the garbage.

His eyes were empty, he realized. Void of all emotion, two empty caverns, wells with no water, perfectly hollow. He closed them and turned away, removing his clothes and pulling on the familiar pajamas.

He climbed into bed, careful not to touch the deep cuts on his left hand. He burrowed under the many blankets, shivering in spite of the ache it sent through his entire body.

He lay on his side, perfectly still, perfectly hollow, almost lifeless. He didn't want to reopen the wounds on his back. Tonight wasn't the first time his father had used a belt. It was the first time his father had used it to make him bleed.

He slipped his face lower into the sweatshirt and breathed in deeply. It smelled like Quidditch field grass and sunlight and laughter. A happy memory saved up, waiting to be needed.

"Sirius?" The whisper carried throughout his room in the sheer silence. Slowly, Sirius reached out an arm and picked up his mirror.

Thank Merlin it was dark. "James."

"Hi."

"I can't talk," Sirius said in a hoarse whisper. His voice would hardly climb past his throat, let alone move out into a room.

"Are you okay?" James asked. "I can't see you."

"The lights are out. I was going to sleep."

"Oh. Then I guess I'll talk to you tomorrow," James said.

"Bye."

Sirius pulled his arm back in close to him, tight against his chest. He held his breath, counted to five. The emptiness inside him ached, a phantom pain in a heart that couldn't possibly still be beating.

He let out the breath shakily, a timid breath matching the weak murmur of the cold wind creeping in.

He hadn't closed the window. He could freeze to death.

What did it matter anyway?


	20. Chapter 20

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Twenty**

In stories, Christmas always dawns "bright and early." Sirius vaguely wondered if the idiot that came up with that had lived in Africa, because in Britain, in the dead of winter, Christmas barely dawned at all.

It was after nine in 12 Grimmauld Place, and people were moving around downstairs. It was still dark. Sirius thought perhaps his father had cast a spell to make sure no sunlight peered into their so-called home. He wouldn't put it past Orion to do such a thing.

He had heard Regulus across the hall opening presents from his friends, and no doubt a couple from their parents as well. Sirius noted the small pile of packages on his desk, but made no move to go retrieve them. His body still ached from his first night back in Grimmauld Place, and at the moment, that was more important.

Sirius hadn't left his room at all the previous day, but he wouldn't be allowed the same luxury today. Christmas dinner would be served around three, which seemed very odd to Sirius as three o'clock was not a time for dinner, nor was it a time for any other meal. He dreaded the whole ordeal though. Narcissa and Bellatrix would come, and it would be awful because the two of them were some of the most horrid people Sirius had ever met. His aunt Lucretia would come and remark that Regulus was such a good boy while casting dirty looks at Sirius. His uncle Alphard would come, which was perhaps one of the only high notes, as his uncle was quite entertaining and had always liked Sirius more than his parents or Regulus. Probably his grandparents would come, and they would make nasty remarks about him, too.

Sirius sort of wanted to point out that James was his second cousin or third cousin, something related, and shouldn't he be invited too, but he didn't think it would go over very well at all. However, to make up for this, Andromeda would be coming, and she was always good company. She was a Ravenclaw, and didn't believe in any of the same things that her sisters did.

"Sirius!" he heard distantly. Sighing, he rolled out of bed quickly, hoping that it would be something akin to ripping off a bandage; less pain when you got it over quickly. It wasn't, but he did his best to ignore it. He pulled on a clean white shirt, with jeans, under his robes. They might see the collar of the shirt, but they would never see the jeans. He knotted his school tie loosely and ran a comb through his hair rapidly.

He found his mother in the living room. "Yeah?"

She turned, a reprimand on her tongue, but stopped when she saw him. "You can't wear that to dinner!" she screeched instead. "Put on your dress robes and get rid of that ridiculous tie. And be quick about it, too!"

Sirius scowled, but went back upstairs to change.

_I hate this, I hate this, I hate this_ he thought. He left the robes in a heap on the floor. He tugged his dress robes over his head and stomped out of his room without even glancing in the mirror.

"What's wrong with your robes?" Orion said irritably from his seat in an armchair.

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked, looking down at them. They were black dress robes, nothing special.

"They're too loose," Walburga said, moving toward Sirius. She took a handful of the material near his waist and glared at him. "Did you stretch them out?"

"No."

"Well, you must have, otherwise they would fit, wouldn't they?"

"Walburga, the guests will be arriving any minute," Orion warned.

"Oh, fine then." She flicked her wand and the excess material was gone, leaving the dress robes looking the way they were "supposed to." Sirius couldn't tell the difference.

The doorbell rang, and Walburga hurried to answer it. Orion stood to follow her. "Fix your tie," he snapped.

"Merry Christmas to you, too," Sirius mumbled as his father wandered off. He did not touch his tie.

Sirius flopped onto the couch just as Narcissa and Bellatrix walked in, their parents in tow.

"Ah, Sirius, my dear, dear cousin," Bellatrix said venomously. "Whatever happened to you?" His parents had forgotten to heal his face.

"Nothing, Bella," Sirius replied coldly. "Narcissa."

"Sirius." Narcissa nodded shortly.

"Where's Andromeda?" Sirius asked, noticing his favorite cousin missing.

"Oh, you didn't hear? She's sick today. Guess it'll just be us, won't it?" Bella said, smiling.

"Oh, good," Sirius muttered.

"Uncle Alphard isn't coming either," Regulus said as he walked into the room. Sirius put a hand up to cover his eyes.

"Now, now, Sirius," Bella cooed, sitting on the couch next to him. "Don't worry; we'll have plenty of company."

"What are you talking about?" Sirius groused, glaring at her.

"Well, the Malfoys are coming, and the Yaxleys, the Averys, and the Mulcibers."

"Bloody hell."

By the time everyone arrived and dinner began, it was almost four. Still not a time for a meal, but getting a little closer.

Sirius glanced around at his "family," then closed his eyes and made a wish to anyone who might be listening to get him out of here. Apparently, no one heard.

"Sirius, quit playing with your food," Orion snapped, and Sirius found numerous pairs of eyes now watching him.

"I wasn't," he muttered.

"Don't talk back," his mother snapped.

"In my day, children had more respect for their elders," his grandmother said, sniffing with disapproval. In her day, it was fashionable to wear a large hat with a dead ferret on it, judging from the looks of things. Sirius kept quiet.

"Indeed. In my day children didn't get into fights at school, either," his grandfather rumbled. Orion and Walburga had made that decision when they realized that they had forgotten to heal Sirius to make him look somewhat presentable. Hopefully they now felt stupid about fussing over his tie.

"Why can't you be more like Regulus?" Lucretia asked haughtily.

"Because I'm not a git." The words escaped his lips before he could stop them.

"Now, now, Sirius. Remember your manners," Bellatrix said condescendingly.

Sirius opened his mouth to say something even more rude, but caught sight of his father's angry face, and remained silent.

"But of course, what could you expect from a Gryffindor?" Lucius Malfoy chimed in.

Yaxley and Avery snorted derisively. Sirius stared at his plate.

"Gryffindor. Really, how could you allow him to be put there, Walburga?" Lucretia asked, shaking her head.

"I _like_ Gryffindor," Sirius said loudly.

"You would," Regulus said. "Bunch of Muggle-lovers and traitors."

"Like that Evans girl you were with on the platform," Avery said. "Filthy mudblood."

"Don't call her that!" Sirius snapped.

"Enough," Orion said, ending the conversation.

"Let's go into the living room for coffee, shall we?" Walburga said hastily, casting an angry look at Sirius, then leading their guests into the next room. Sirius made to leave the room, but Orion caught his arm.

"How dare you embarrass us like that?" he hissed. "Go to your room. I'll deal with you later."

Sirius twisted out of his father's grip and walked up the stairs and into his room, closing the door and falling onto his bed.

All in all, it hadn't been quite as bad as he had been expecting, but without his uncle and Andromeda present the conversation had turned for the worse.

"I need something to cheer me up," he mumbled, glancing around his room, his eyes lighting on the heap of parcels.

He got up and carried them over to his bed, sitting down to open them.

Sirius picked up the top package and removed the note, ripping the top of the envelope and pulling out a piece of parchment.

_Sirius, _

_Merry Christmas! Hope you're well and that your family isn't giving you a hard time. I hope you enjoy the present. _

_Remus_

Sirius dropped the letter and tore at the paper covering what he found to be a book about Quidditch and a package of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. He flicked through the book quickly, smiling at the pages that showed clips of famous Quidditch matches.

The next package was larger and wrapped somewhat haphazardly. Obviously from James. Nevertheless, Sirius opened the note attached first.

_Padfoot, _

_Hope your holiday is good, despite the Noble and Most Ancient Blacks. Try out your gift on Regulus, if you can. _

_Prongs_

James always gave away what gifts were. He always had a specific idea for their use, and he had to share. The lumpy package held an assortment of the newest Zonko's products, as well as some Acid Pops from Honeydukes. Sirius sifted through the pile of things, finding a biting teacup and a wand that emitted jinxes from the wrong end whenever you tried to use it.

Grinning, Sirius moved on to the package he assumed must be from Peter.

_Sirius, _

_Merry Christmas! _

_Peter_

Very to the point. Sirius opened the parcel to find a collection of Chocolate Frogs and some cauldron cakes. Peter always gave sweets as gifts.

The other package was from Mrs. Potter, a tin of fudge and a red and gold scarf.

Feeling considerably better, Sirius moved about his room, placing the candy under the bed where he would hopefully forget about it, placing his scarf, book, and joke shop products in his bag to take back to Hogwarts. He then removed his dress robes and changed into a muggle T-shirt with his jeans.

The door to his room opened and Malfoy, Avery, Yaxley, Mulciber and Regulus came in. All but Reg brandished their wands.

"What do you want?" Sirius asked, trying not to sound nervous.

"Oh, nothing much," Malfoy said, twirling his wand between his long fingers. "Just a quick word."

"Then spit it out," Sirius snapped.

"Well, you called our Regulus here a git," Avery began.

"That wasn't very nice," Yaxley finished.

"We thought it might be time to teach you a lesson." Mulciber took a step forward. Sirius snatched his wand from the top of the dresser, holding it out in front of him like a sword. Or a shield. He wasn't sure which he needed more.


	21. Chapter 21

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Twenty-One**

"I don't think –" Regulus began, unsure. He thought they would just insult his brother, but this looked more serious than that.

"Shut up, Regulus," Malfoy spat. He was focused on Sirius, and Sirius glared back. No one spared a glance for Regulus.

"_Impedimenta!_" The jinx hit Sirius before he could react, knocking him back against the desk. Regulus saw his wrist hit the corner hard and watched as Sirius almost dropped his wand. But Sirius was stubborn; he clenched his teeth and tightened his grip on the wand, refusing to give up his last defense.

"_Levicorpus!_" Sirius said, pointing his wand at Avery. The other boy was jerked into the air, but quickly fell into a heap on the floor when the spell failed as Sirius was hit with another hex.

"Uh-oh, Sirius. Having some trouble with your spells?" Malfoy taunted. A jet of purple light shot from his wand, though he had said no incantation, and hit Sirius. Sirius collapsed to the floor, curling up, obviously in pain, though he wouldn't make a sound. His wand slipped from his hand and rolled across the floor, out of his reach.

"Stop," Regulus forced out, but his voice was barely intelligible. "Stop."

"What was that?" Malfoy raised his eyebrows, glancing over at Regulus as he lifted the curse. Sirius remained on the floor, breathing hard.

"Just leave him alone now," Regulus said, his voice pleading. He was afraid to make his friends mad, but this was too much.

"But this is fun," Mulciber said, hitting Sirius with another jinx as he was trying to get up.

"Please," Regulus begged, stepping between his friends and his brother, but not before noticing the hopeful look in Sirius' eyes.

"Get out of the way," Avery said, forcibly moving Regulus to the side.

Regulus stood, torn, as his friends continued to torment his brother. They even moved from just spells to simply kicking Sirius where he lay on the floor by the bed. Regulus wondered if he shouldn't go get his parents, but he somehow doubted they would do anything.

Finally, parents called up the stairs that it was time to leave. Yaxley kicked Sirius one last time, and the four of them swept from the room.

"Sirius?" Regulus asked timidly, kneeling beside his brother.

Sirius groaned and opened his eyes to look at Regulus. His eye was swollen again, his lip bleeding where he had bit it to keep from screaming.

"Are you okay?" Regulus asked breathlessly.

"Yeah," Sirius said hoarsely. "Just give me a minute."

"I'm sorry about that, Sirius."

"Not your fault," Sirius grunted, pushing himself to a sitting position.

"But –"

"They just wanted an excuse. It's okay."

"I'm still sorry."

"Regulus." Regulus looked up at his brother. "I don't care what they do to me, okay? It doesn't matter."

"They really aren't bad people, it's just that they –"

"Don't kid yourself, Reg. They're a bunch of future Death Eaters. And all because they're too scared of what mommy and daddy will say if they don't join Voldemort."

Sirius stood up and brushed off his robes, then righted the chair that had been toppled.

"I don't care if you hang out with them. Just remember, being like them doesn't make you better than anyone."

"What would you know about any of it?" Regulus snapped, suddenly angry. "You think you're so great because you stand up to our parents. It doesn't make you great, Sirius. It makes you an idiot. You bring all this on yourself."

Regulus turned and stalked out of the room, into his own across the hall, and slammed the door shut. He flopped onto his bed and looked around at the familiar green and silver.

_I can't believe him_, Regulus thought. _He's so stupid. _How else could he explain provoking their father at every opportunity?

Regulus often felt bad for Sirius because of the way their parents were constantly picking on him, but really, could he blame them? It wasn't so hard to do what they said. At the very least, all Sirius had to do was keep his mouth shut.

He shouldn't feel bad for Sirius. But he couldn't help it. Sirius was his brother, after all. Regulus couldn't help but worry when Sirius got himself into trouble.

"Sirius!" Regulus heard his father's bellow loud and clear. Sirius would be punished for his comments at dinner. He heard his brother's open, his footsteps on the stairs. Regulus rolled over and pulled a pillow over his head, trying to block out the noise.

"Yeah?"

A loud _thump_! Orion yelling. Another _bang!_ Sirius swearing. More shouting.

_Merry Christmas, Sirius._


	22. Chapter 22

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Twenty-Two**

Light seeped into the room around the blinds and under the door, crawling across the floor, timidly penetrating the darkness of Sirius' room. Sirius lay in his bed and watched the pinkish orange early morning light as it surreptitiously explored his room.

When the light lost its colour, he got out of bed slowly, wary of the injuries he had sustained a few days before. He silently rummaged through his dresser, grabbing a long sleeve shirt, which he put on before he snatched a pair of jeans off the floor. He put on his belt, but even as tight as it would go, he could easily fit a hand between his stomach and the waistband of his jeans.

Sirius smiled, and took off the jeans. He rummaged through his closet and found a pair of jeans from a fifth year, but they were the same size as the ones he had just discarded. He looked even further back and found a pair from early fourth year, before he had hit a growth spurt, and tried those. They were too short for his now taller frame.

Sighing, he picked up the jeans he had once again discarded on the floor and put them on, then went downstairs.

His mother was sitting in the living room, sipping tea. Kreacher was delivering a tray of tea cookies. Sirius stood in the doorway, fidgeting.

He cleared his throat; her head snapped up and her eyes zeroed in on him. "What?" she said, already seeming irritated.

"My jeans are too loose," Sirius said. "I was wondering if I could go out to get some new ones."

"Don't be ridiculous," his mother said, standing up and drawing her wand. "I can fix that right now."

"Er, okay," Sirius said. His parents, despite having great wealth, were very stingy. They didn't spend money unless they felt it was absolutely necessary.

Walburga waved her wand, performing some sort of silent spell, and Sirius looked down at his jeans. They fit exactly the way he liked them.

"Could you do that to the rest of my clothes?" Sirius asked.

Walburga sighed. "If I must." When Sirius waited a moment, she immediately snapped, "Well, go on, go get them!"

He brought her his other jeans, his school pants, and his robes. She performed the spell quickly, but paused when he held up his robes.

"These look awful," she said accusingly, snatching them. He did his best not to wither under her gaze. "I'll not have you seen in these."

He nodded slowly. She pushed the robes back at him. "You'll have to go to Diagon Alley and get new ones."

"Okay. Can I go now?" he asked, hopeful to get out of the house, even if it was to go shopping.

"Take Regulus with you."

"But –" he started to argue.

"Is there a reason you don't want to take your brother? Are you planning to meet that mudblood?" she hissed.

"No, I just –" Before he could finish she slapped him, hard, across the face. He lurched backwards, but quickly caught himself.

"Don't lie to me!" she screeched. "You will take Regulus, and you will keep him with you at all times. If I hear of you so much as talking to a mudblood, there will be hell to pay when you get home! Do you understand?"

Sirius nodded sullenly. As he did, he wondered what had happened to the boy who would have argued despite the consequences. As it was, he said nothing.

"Go get your brother," his mother spat. "Be back down here with him in ten minutes."

Sirius turned, without another word and walked upstairs. He banged on Regulus' bedroom door, then just walked in. His brother was writing a letter at his desk.

"We're going to Diagon Alley, Reg. Be ready in ten minutes."

He left before Regulus could reply, going back across the hall to his room, where he sat on the bed.

_What's happening to me?_ Everything had been changing since the start of this term. He was no longer assertive, outgoing Sirius, but a quiet, reclusive shadow of his former self. Otherwise he would have argued, right?

He thought of what Remus always said about choosing your battles, knowing what was worth fighting over and what wasn't. Remus called it a sign of maturity.

But Sirius was fairly certain choosing his battles had nothing to do with it. He was pretty sure that it had more to do with the hopeless feeling that had settled in his chest, with the fact that he was so damn tired of everything being so hard…

"You ready?" Regulus asked from the doorway.

"Yeah," Sirius said, sliding off his bed and following his brother downstairs.

They used the Floo network to get to Diagon Alley, appearing in the grate at the Leaky Cauldron.

Once in Diagon Alley, Sirius walked directly towards Madam Malkin's, single-minded in completing his task.

"I'm going to the apothecary," Regulus declared. Sirius turned to look at him.

"What for?" Sirius asked dumbly.

"Potions ingredients," Regulus said slowly, as if Sirius were stupid.

"I'll meet you back here in half an hour, okay?" Sirius said. He didn't wait for a response before he turned and continued walking.

Shopping was an unbearable experience for Sirius, unless he happened to be shopping for Quidditch gear or stuff for pranks. Anything else was dead boring and somewhat torturous.

But most excruciating of all was getting robes. He hated standing there, taller than everyone, on a pedestal for the world to judge. He hated the weird smell of new fabric. He hated having to stand still.

"Ow!" Sirius yelped as he was stuck with a pin for the fourth time.

"If you would just hold still!" Madam Malkin said shrilly.

"I am!" Sirius said, even though he hadn't been.

He really didn't understand what was taking so long. How hard could it be to take in robes?

"Are you almost done?" he asked, his voice bordering on whining.

"I would already be done if you would quit fidgeting!" Apparently Madam Malkin did not believe in service with a smile.


	23. Chapter 23

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Twenty-Three**

By the time Sirius had gotten three sets of robes, Regulus was standing by the door, having grown tired of waiting.

"What took so long?" Regulus complained as Sirius stomped out of the door.

Sirius remained silent. Regulus hurried to keep up.

"Do you want to go get some ice cream?" Regulus suggested after a moment. His brother didn't even turn around.

"No."

"Why not?"

"I just don't."

"Bloody hell you're cranky today," Regulus huffed.

"No, I'm not." Sirius glared at his brother.

"You're right. You're no worse today than you have been all break." He knew he was picking a fight, but he didn't care.

"I haven't done anything."

"You've had more arguments with Mom and Dad than usual," Regulus pointed out.

They had reached the deserted alley behind the Leaky Cauldron. Sirius whirled about, glowering at his little brother. Regulus stepped back as his brother towered over him. Sirius could look pretty intimidating when he wanted to.

"And that's my fault, is it?" he hissed, his voice low and dangerous.

"You say exactly what will make them angry. Defy them whenever you can," Regulus said, trying not to show his anxiety.

"Have they ever beaten you?" Sirius asked abruptly. Regulus shook his head. "Then don't pretend you know what you're talking about. Don't stand there all high and mighty telling me I bring this on myself. If you want to go down there some time and see if you handle it better, you can bloody well go right ahead. In the mean time, you'd better be damn happy that I keep their attention on me. You wouldn't be able to handle mum slapping you, let alone the Cruciatus curse."

Regulus stared agape at his brother. He had never been present when Sirius was being beaten. While he could hear punches and knocked over furniture from his room, he couldn't hear curses. He had had no idea.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, looking down.

"All right." Regulus felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up, surprised at Sirius' calm expression.

"I just…"

"What?"

"I hate it when they hit you," Regulus blurted. Sirius blinked, surprised.

"Why?"

"You're my brother," Regulus said. "I don't want bad things to happen to you. I don't like seeing you hurt."

"You thought I deserved it, though."

"I just wish you would quit saying things that provoke them," Regulus said earnestly.

Sirius frowned thoughtfully, then smiled. "Okay, Reg. Okay."

Regulus nodded.

"Are you ready to go home?"

"Okay."

They walked into the Leaky Cauldron together, but decided to stay for a few butterbeers. It was after seven by the time they left, using the fireplace to floo back home.

As the two climbed the stairs to their rooms, they heard the front door slam. Sirius froze, and Regulus stopped to stare at him. "What's wrong?"

"Shh!" Sirius shushed him.

Heavy footsteps, groaning of beaten down floorboards. Shuffling noise. Loud CRASH.

"Damn," Sirius whispered, turning to continue up the stairs.

"What?" Regulus asked softly.

"Are you that thick? He only knocks over the umbrella stand when he's drunk," Sirius explained.

"So?"

"Just wait."

Not thirty minutes after hearing their father come home, there was a loud bellow of "Sirius!"

Regulus listened to his brother's footsteps on the stairs, the steps slightly squeaking fearfully. Everything in the house knew what was coming. Regulus slipped out of his room and went to the stairs, going down far enough to be able to hear everything, while still being hidden.

Sirius never said a word. There was the unmistakable sound of a fist hitting a person, and the _thump-creak_ of a person hitting the floor, causing the floorboards to moan as though they were the ones being hurt.

Stumbling footsteps as Sirius was jerked up onto his feet. The abrupt, violent expulsion of breath as he was hit in the stomach, the gasp as he was hit in the face.

Regulus crawled further down the stairs until he could see in the living room, see everything that happened. He didn't want to see. He had to know.

His brother was swaying on his feet, dizzy. Orion staggered closer. Sparkly light glinting off fists and Sirius collapsed to the floor. Orion was wearing rings.

Heavy boots, a kick, not sharp and sudden, but solid and lasting. Again, again, again. Sirius in fetal position, arms over his face, a shield of bone to protect more bone.

A loud crack, his arm was wrong, the shield broken. Splintering ribs, bruised legs.

"Get up." Low and scary, threatening, a sound violent in itself.

_He can't_ Regulus thought. _He can't_.

He did. Slowly, excruciatingly, finally upright. Wobbling but strong.

A thin stick of wood, a deadly weapon. Sirius never blinked, even as blood and sweat dripped into his eyes.

"You deserve this, Sirius," Orion said rewardingly. This was his gift.

_No…_

"_Crucio!_" Sirius writhing, white teeth grasping bloody lip, eyes open blind in pain.

Regulus couldn't tell how long it lasted. He could tell that Sirius stopped moving before it ended.

"Get up, boy!" Orion spat.

_No way…_ but there it was. Sirius, clutching the wall for support, standing defiant.

Flash of blue, spurt of red, pale white hands clutching black fabric covering his chest. Liquid red flowing through his fingers, soaking into robes, staining hands with the blood of the innocent.

Sirius looked up from kneeling.

Orion smirked.

"I hate you," Sirius gasped, face white but not with fear.

Orion's face crumpled into rage. "Get out. I don't want to see you. Go back to school."

A wave of his wand. No blood pouring. Orion turned and stormed up the stairs. Regulus ducked into a closet.

As soon as Orion passed, he dashed down the stairs to kneel at his brother's side.

"Sirius!" he whispered.

"Reg?" Sirius said weakly.

* * *

He had sent Regulus to get his stuff. His clothes off the bed, his mirror off the nightstand. He was getting out of this place as quickly as possible.

His father had never been so silent before. He was always screaming, cursing, accusing.

Sirius himself had never been so silent. He had said three words, and his father had ended the whole thing. No swearing, no screaming, no provoking, no defending.

Orion had never taken such a great joy in harming Sirius. He was always enraged, seeking to dole out misfortune to whoever crossed his path. He justified, rationalized, with his furious logic. He attacked until he was tired, his energy and anger spent.

But no, this was different. Orion was not infuriated. He did not take out his anger on Sirius. He was enjoying it. Taking pleasure in causing pain, reveling in the blood Sirius spilled. He wasn't angry. He was crazed.

"Sirius!" Regulus whispered, reappearing with the bag.

"Thanks." Sirius made to stand up, but immediately everything spun. Regulus grabbed his shoulders to keep him up, and Sirius tried not to wince.

He took his bag in his good arm, his other cradled against his chest, which still oozed blood, but not at quite the alarming rate it had.

"Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry I thought it was your fault." Regulus looked small. He was about a head shorter than Sirius, with the same black hair and dark eyes. But Regulus' features were a little more pointed, a little sharper. He hadn't grown into them. He was still just a kid.

"I'm sorry you had to see that, Reg," Sirius said softly.

Sirius walked slowly to the fireplace, his entire body in agony. He tried not to show it though. Just a few minutes and he could be in his own bed at Hogwarts, sleeping this off, like it was just a bad night in a bar. Except that he knew he would remember it.

He took a handful of Floo powder.

"Take care, okay, Reg?" he said, sincerely.

"Okay. You too," Regulus said quietly.

Sirius tossed the powder into the fire and stepped in. "Gryffindor common room."

Spinning, spinning, spinning, he was already feeling bad enough; elbows tucked in tight, eyes clamped shut.

And then he was out of the fire, standing in the deserted common room. He took a few steps forward, trying to navigate around the chairs and tables. He stumbled, but caught himself. Everything was spinning, tipping side to side. He was getting nauseous.

Sirius made it to the bottom of the staircase, finally, and started up it. It took forever. Each step hurt, sending knives through the cut in his chest and the break in his ribs, a new surge of dizziness to his head, a throbbing pain to every bit of him.

The last step, and then he was leaning against the door, pushing it open, stumbling inside.

James was sprawled across his bed as always, looking perfectly content. Peter snored loudly. Remus, always more graceful in sleep than their other friends, was still and quiet, without looking like he had passed out, as James did.

Sirius staggered over to his bed, and dropped his bag on it. He then stood in front of the mirror and took stock.

Black eye, bloody nose, busted lip. Cut down the side of his face. Bruised shoulder, broken arm, broken ribs. Bruised most every other bone. Gash on his chest.

He slowly tugged his T-shirt off and pulled out his wand. He had to heal himself a bit before his friends saw him.

"_Episkey!_" he whispered, pointing the wand at the cut on his face. No result, save for another wave of nausea and an increase in dizziness from the effort of the spell.

"_Episkey!_" He tried again. The dizziness overcame him, sending him lurching into the mirror, which banged against the wall with a loud crash.

"What the hell?" He could hear James' voice, but everything had gone black as he fell to the ground.

"Sirius!" And he knew nothing more.


	24. Chapter 24

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Twenty-Four**

"Sirius!" Remus yelled, as he realized the source of the noise.

He leapt from bed, dashing towards his friend, but too late to stop him hitting his head on the stone floor as he collapsed.

He dropped to his knees next to Sirius, carefully turning his friend on his back.

"Merlin, bloody hell, damn it, damn it, damn it," James swore as they took in the blood covering Sirius' body, stemming from multiple sources, the most concerning being the huge gash across his chest.

"James, get McGonagall. Hurry!" Remus cradled Sirius' head in his lap, gently brushing Sirius' hair from his face, though Sirius wasn't aware of such.

Loud, fast footsteps told Remus that James was on his way.

"Peter, can you get the lights, please?" Wall torches were lit, throwing Sirius' injured form into sharp relief.

"Merlin…" Peter whispered.

The two watched Sirius closely, watching as his chest rose and fell with each breath.

"He's so thin…" Remus said sadly. It was true. Sirius was small and helpless, lying there on the floor.

The door burst open. "Where is he?" McGonagall came to kneel beside them in her tartan bathroom.

"Good gracious!" Without further ado she conjured a stretcher and magicked Sirius onto it, and the four of them, plus the stretcher, swept from the room.

Remus, James, and Peter were forced to wait outside the hospital wing as Madam Pomfrey tended to their friend.

"How did that happen?" James whispered, face white, eyes wide, haunted.

Remus shook his head.

"How could anyone do that?" James asked, voice rising with each syllable.

"James, calm down," Remus said.

"Calm down? _Calm down?_ Sirius is lying in the bloody hospital, bleeding! He collapsed, Moony! He could die! And you want me to _calm down_?" James was on his feet, trembling with anger. And fear.

"Getting this upset isn't going to help Sirius, Prongs. And it isn't helping you, either," Remus said slowly. "You shouldn't be too loud, it's the middle of the night."

"Yes, Remus, it is the middle of the night, when Sirius should have been safe in his bed, not getting beat up and cursed and who knows what else!" James exploded.

"Potter, if you'd be so kind as to keep your voice down, there are other people in this castle," Professor McGonagall said as she slipped out of the hospital wing.

"Is he okay?" Peter asked immediately.

"There was a lot of damage, but Madam Pomfrey says he should make a full recovery." She sighed, shaking her head tiredly.

"Is he awake? Can we see him?" James demanded.

"No, he is not awake. And no, you may not see him. You need to be getting to bed."

"We're still on holiday," James whined. "We don't have to get up early tomorrow. Please, professor?"

"Absolutely not."

"Wouldn't it be better," Remus said reasonably, "if one of us was there, in case he woke up, not knowing where he was?"

"Madam Pomfrey does not expect him to wake up until tomorrow morning at earliest. You may come then," McGonagall said firmly. "Now, off to bed with you!"

They trudged back to their dormitory. Once there, they all stood at the door, staring at the blood left on the floor by Sirius' bed.

"I can't believe any of this," James said hoarsely.

"Who would want to do that to Sirius?" Peter asked.

"He's going to be fine," Remus said. "We should focus on that."

No one moved.

"Oh, this is ridiculous!" Remus waved his wand and the blood disappeared from the floor and his clothes. The mirror righted itself. All evidence of their hectic night was erased.

"You're bloody good at those cleaning spells," James said, half admiring, half disgusted.

Remus shrugged. "If I wasn't, one of us would have been lost by now, under the mess the dormitory would be in."

James laughed. Peter joined in.

Remus smiled at them and then climbed into bed, extinguishing the lights. Peter and James were still standing at the door.

"Hey!" James objected.

"Just go to bed," Remus ordered.

Step, step, step, _thump_!

"Ow! Bloody trunk!"

A yelp.

"Wormtail, what the bloody hell are you doing over here? You're bed is on the other side of the room!"

"Sorry."

Remus listened as Peter moved past his bed. Step, step, step, step, scuffle, crash.

"What was that?"

"Stupid post!" Wormtail complained.

The sound of mattresses creaking.

"Remus?" James said.

"Hmm?"

"That was sadistic."

* * *

Dark, blurry shapes moved across his field of vision as he opened his eyes. He reached up to rub at his eyes, then stopped at the pain that shot through his body. He blinked a lot, and finally he could see.

"Padfoot?" James asked softly.

"Hi," Sirius mumbled. He struggled to get up, but it hurt, so he quit.

"How do you feel?" Remus asked.

"Okay." Lie.

"How do you really feel?" James asked.

"Not so good." He smiled a little. "Better than I did, though."

"What happened?" Peter wanted to know.

Sirius was silent. He hadn't had time to figure out what he would tell them. He wracked his brain for something suitable, and then he came across the perfect idea.

"Regulus invited a bunch of Slytherins over. I was just sitting in my room, reading that book Remus gave me, and they came in and…well, you get the idea," Sirius said smoothly.

Peter nodded with understanding. Remus' face showed a sympathetic, concerned, yet disbelieving look. James frowned.

"You know, that's funny, Sirius, because it seems to me that every time you go home, you come back beat up," James said.

Sirius stared at him, anxiety and dread coursing through him.

"No, I don't," he said hoarsely.

"No? All those bruises you have all over? The weird scars across your back? You're saying that every one of those happened in a random fight?"

"Yes," Sirius said weakly, realizing how ludicrous it sounded. Every word James said was a nail in the coffin.

"James," Remus said, apparently noting Sirius' trapped expression. "Maybe we could talk about this later."

But James ignored him. "It also seems to me that if you got in fights so much at home, you would at school too. But I've never seen you hit anyone."

"I'd get suspended."

"Still. I've never even see you get that angry at anyone."

Sirius was silent. Peter watched with bated breath.

"Padfoot?" James said softly. "Did your father do this to you?"

"No," Sirius whispered, looking down. The word was barely intelligible.

"Just tell us, Sirius," Remus said gently. "We can help."

"No," Sirius mumbled. He still couldn't look at them. He couldn't bear to see what they thought of him now. They must think he was so weak, to let this happen to him.

"Sirius?" Peter squeaked.

"It wasn't him," Sirius said with as much force as he could muster. "It was the Slytherins. Malfoy, Avery, Yaxley, and Mulciber." He didn't feel guilty naming them, since they had attacked him, just not in this instance.

"Then we'll get them back," James said, though he looked unconvinced.

"Or maybe we should just leave it alone," Remus suggested, similarly dubious.

"Did you have a good holiday?" Peter asked Sirius. "I mean, other than…?"

_No._ "Yeah, pretty good. Thanks for the presents."

"'Course, mate," James said, smiling.

"Did you have a good holiday?" Sirius asked.

"Yeah, we played this great prank on the Slytherins, you should have been there…" James went on to describe in great detail how he had managed to steal the crackers that were to be placed at the Slytherin table, and replace them with crackers of his own creation. Rather than turning into different hats and other odd prizes, James' crackers exploded, releasing green slime everywhere.

"They were all covered in it, and that was only after the first one!" James exclaimed delightedly.

Sirius laughed, picturing Snape, the green slime coating his greasy hair, dripping from his huge hook nose.

"Really wish you could have been there, mate," James said, looking a little sad.

"Me too," Sirius said. "But I'm glad you did it anyway."

They talked for a while more, until Madam Pomfrey came and shooed James, Remus, and Peter from the hospital wing, saying something about Sirius needing sleep.

Madam Pomfrey gave him several potions to take, none of which tasted very pleasant, and Sirius could only hope he wouldn't have to take them again.

"When can I get out of here?" he asked.

Madam Pomfrey _hmphed_ at him, and said, "No earlier than tomorrow, though I would prefer you stay until the day after."

"I'll die of boredom by then!" Sirius exclaimed dramatically.

"Not if I have anything to say about it," she said, then bustled off to attend to a first year who had somehow managed to give himself horns.

Sirius lay back on his bed, thinking about the suspicions of his friends. He supposed at some level, he had always known that they would find out eventually. On some other level, he had hoped they never would. He didn't want them to think him weak, to pity him, or anything of the sort. He was the same Sirius Black he had always been, and he would not have anyone feeling sorry for him.

He was sure they didn't believe his story about the Slytherins, though they would pretend they did, understanding that he wasn't ready for them to know about his family.

They would blow everything out of proportion, if he told them what had happened. It had never been this bad before, right? His father had never taken joy in hurting him before. This was a one-time event.

But still, they knew on a very basic level what had happened, and that was enough to make things more difficult for him. He could only hope they would leave it alone.

He hated the lack of control he had in that situation. Everything in his life was spiraling out of control, and he was powerless to make a difference. If only there were some way he could change to make his parents leave him alone.

There was always the fact that, after what he said to his father, he wouldn't have to go home at Easter. His father had sent him away, right? Which must mean he didn't want him around, meaning he wouldn't want him to come back in a few months. Meaning Sirius didn't need to worry about his parents for a good six months.

_It's going to be okay_, he thought. Then he tensed. _For now._


	25. Chapter 25

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Twenty-Five**

They said he had gotten into a fight.

A fight with some Slytherins.

A fight with some muggles.

A fight with a drug dealer who didn't give him enough coke.

It never ceased to amaze Lily Evans the rumors people could come up with.

She herself had asked Remus Lupin, when they were doing their prefect duties one night. He had stared at her strangely. "We're friends," she had said. He had raised his eyebrows, but made no comment.

He told her what had happened. He confessed what he was afraid had happened. He told her he felt guilty for telling her. "Don't worry," she had said. "We're friends, too."

Sirius Black was the topic of conversation all over school. Everywhere she went, it was headline news. Whether they chose to believe that he was into drugs, or just overly enthusiastic about the house cup, Sirius Black was talked about.

That's why it surprised her, when she entered the hospital wing two days after his attack, to find that he had no visitors.

Sirius lounged in his bed, staring at the opposite wall, completely alone. Surrounded by candy and get well cards, yet obviously very isolated.

Lily dropped into the chair next to his bed. Sirius didn't even look at her.

"Hi," she said. He jumped, and looked over at her.

"Oh, hi," he said, smiling a little.

"How are you?"

"Pretty good." He started staring at the wall again.

"How long do you have to stay here?"

"Just until tomorrow," he said. "Seemed a bit odd to me, but Madam Pomfrey said I lost a bunch of blood and I needed longer to recover." He paused.

"I heard what happened," she told him.

"Which version?"

"The real one." He looked at her questioningly. "I asked Remus."

Sirius nodded, but didn't speak.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Okay."

They were silent for a few moments. She had the feeling that his negative answer hadn't been the truth. If she just waited…

"I hate that everyone is talking about me." And there it was.

"Really?"

"Well, yeah. I mean, would you like it?"

"Not at all. But you love to be the center of attention." He looked somewhat offended. "Or that's what people think. Your pranks and all of that."

He nodded, smiling a little.

"You don't like it, do you? You don't want people to watch you."

"I don't know."

"You want to keep your personal life private."

"Yeah." He struggled with himself for a minute, then finally spoke. "There's just stuff that I don't want anyone to know. Stuff I don't even tell James."

"Really?" She had guessed that. But asking something simple like that was a good way to get someone to elaborate.

"There's some stuff in my life James wouldn't really get," Sirius said, choosing his words carefully.

"Like what?"

"Remember what I told you about my parents?"

"Yes."

"James doesn't get that. His parents love him unconditionally." He looked away, blinking.

"Your parents love you, too," Lily said softly.

"No, they don't. They love Regulus. Perfect Regulus, a Slytherin, friends with all the right people…" Sirius shook his head in disgust. "Perfect little coward."

"You don't like him?" She had a feeling he cared about his brother a lot more than he would want her to know.

"That's not it. I just hate to see him turn out like them just because he's too scared to stand up for himself." Sirius looked up at her. "He isn't like them. He's just scared to be like me."

"Why is he scared, Sirius?" Lily knew she was pushing him here, that maybe he would clam up and refuse to talk. But at the same time, she thought maybe, just maybe, he might finally say it.

"It's hard to take a stand against them," Sirius said, looking down at the blankets. "It's hard when you know this is how you end up."

"They did this to you?" Lily asked, her voice a mere whisper.

He nodded, and then, his own voice so soft she could hardly hear, "Yeah."

"I'm so sorry, Sirius," she said, feeling tears pool in her eyes as she watched him clench his fist around the blanket, blinking furiously.

"Just look at this," he said, frustrated.

"What?" she asked, surprised.

"I never wanted anyone to know, and yet here I am telling you, even though I've hardly spoken to you before these last couple of months." He shook his head. "How do you get me to talk like this to you?" he demanded.

"I don't know," she said, then smiled. "It must be my aura of wisdom."

He scowled at her.

"Maybe because I didn't have any expectations for how your life should be. Maybe because I haven't judged you for what you said."

He looked at her thoughtfully. "Maybe. Listen, you can't tell anyone anything I've told you, okay?"

"Sirius," she began, uneasy. "You really ought to tell someone about what happened."

"No!" he said forcefully, and she jumped. "You can't tell anyone. Please, it'll just make it worse if people know. Please." His dark eyes were desperately pleading with her.

"I – I – oh, fine, I promise. I won't tell." She wanted to kick herself for saying that.

"Thank you." He smiled. "Hey, listen, I couldn't eat all this candy in a hundred years. Do you want some of it?"

"Well…"

"C'mon. Take it. Give some to your friends, pass it out at dinner. Do whatever you want with it, so long as you don't give it to the Slytherins."

She laughed then, and as she did, she felt a pang of sadness for the boy in front of her, who, after going through so much, could still crack a joke like he hadn't a care in the world.

* * *

It was uncharacteristically warm for early January. The sky was a showy blue, unmarred by clouds. The sunlight was warm, but not too warm. It was the sort of day that sent students out to sit on the lawn by the lake to fully enjoy the last day of winter break.

It was perfectly understandable that Sirius didn't meet anyone on his way up to the dormitory, having just been freed from the hospital wing.

The common room was empty as well. Sirius slowly climbed the spiral staircase, intent only on finding a different shirt. The one he was wearing had been torn up the night he came back to school, and had been mended by James. Sirius wasn't exactly sure why James had taken it upon himself to do so, but James had never been good at domestic type spells, and the shirt was looking a little worse for the wear.

The windows were open, the curtains rustling in the slight breeze, and the room was warm. Sirius wandered over towards his bed, to get a shirt out of his trunk.

"Hi."

Sirius jumped and whirled around. Remus was sitting on his bed, back against the headboard, reading a book.

"Oh. Hey Moony. Didn't see you there."

"Just get out of the hospital wing?"

"Yeah. I was looking for another shirt…" Sirius gestured loosely at his trunk, before turning to rummage through the accumulated junk.

"Ah, yes. Sorry about that. James was a bit upset, and he felt that he should do something. We thought it better to let him fix your shirt than to try to fix you."

"Thanks for that. I'd rather not have parts of my body magically adhered together if they weren't meant to be that way." Sirius tugged off the offending garment and quickly pulled on another shirt. "So what are you doing up here?"

"I didn't feel much like going outside today, I suppose," Remus said, closing his book and setting it to the side. "I heard Lily came to visit you."

"Yeah, she did."

"I didn't know you two were friends," Remus commented.

Sirius walked over to Remus' bed, and sat on the end of it, so that he was facing his friend. "It's recent. I guess we started talking sometime in December. We rode on the train together."

"I didn't know if you were okay with her visiting." Remus sounded guilty.

"I was."

"I didn't mean to tell her," Remus said, still sounding apologetic.

"I have the same problem."

"What?"

"With Lily," Sirius said. "It's really easy to talk to her."

"Yes, it is."

"I keep telling her things that I don't tell anyone."

"It's probably good to talk about those things," Remus said. It was a testament to Remus' understanding that he didn't question this statement. James would have sat up straighter and demanded to know what Sirius wasn't telling him. Or maybe it was that Remus already knew.

"It's just that…there's a reason I don't tell people those things, you know?" Sirus looked down at the bedspread.

"Lily won't tell anyone, you know," Remus said carefully. "I don't think you need to worry about that."

"I'm not. I just…I shouldn't have told her." He felt guilty, placing that burden on her, letting her worry about it. He shouldn't have told her, and he knew it. He knew it as the words were coming out of his mouth, but he couldn't stop them.

"It's okay, Sirius." Remus' voice was soft, understanding, careful. He wouldn't push Sirius to elaborate.

"Moony, I hate how everyone is talking about me. I don't want everyone bothering me about what happened."

"We're just worried, Sirius. That night was…You have no idea how scary it was to see you like that," Remus said, his voice a little choked.

"I'm sorry, Moony," Sirius said miserably.

"It's okay, Padfoot. It's not your fault." It was though.

"I don't want everyone to treat me differently," Sirius said, waving his arm around. "I'm the same person, and I want to be treated the same!"

"It will just take some time, Sirius," Remus said, leaning back to avoid being hit during Sirius' wild gesticulation.

"Moony, have I ever been a patient person?"

"Not in the slightest."

"I don't intend to start being one today."

"Patience is a virtue."

"Patience is a virtue for people who don't know how to get what they want. They have to wait for it to come to them. They have to have patience."

"That's an interesting way to look at it," Remus said neutrally, raising his eyebrows.

"I do not need patience, Moony."

"If you say so."

"All I need is a book."

"A book?" Remus asked, surprised.

"Yes. A book. I need to go to the library." Sirius jumped off the bed. Remus did not follow suit.

"Okay."

"Now."

"You want me to come." It wasn't a question. Sirius answered anyway.

"Yes."

"Now?"

"Have I ever been a patient person?"

"This is sounding familiar."

"Irritating, isn't it?"

"Quite."

"So let's go."

"What sort of book?"

"You ask too many questions."

"I'm not coming unless you tell me what you're planning." Remus crossed his arms over his chest. He would remain firm on this point, Sirius could tell.

"Fine." With that Sirius swept from the dormitory, catching a glimpse of Remus shaking his head, a bemused smile playing across his features, before the door snapped shut behind him.


	26. Chapter 26

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Twenty-Six**

Sirius found his book without Remus, and checked it out. Madam Pince squinted at him with what Sirius initially judged to be suspicion. After considering that the book he was checking out would in no way elicit distrust, he decided that must just be how her face looked. He wouldn't know. He didn't go to the library ever, if he was able to avoid it.

It had become clear to him that the only way to convince people that he was the same Sirius Black he had always been, even if he didn't feel that way, was a brilliant prank. However, he had to plan and execute on his own, as this trick was primarily to convince James he was just fine.

Even with the proper book, it took a fair bit of time for him to figure out what exactly he was going to do. Then he just had to wait for the right time.

The right time was at the end of January, a Friday afternoon's double Potions class, with the Slytherins.

The dungeons were chilly that day, the breath of the students rising in a cloud over their heads. Sirius found himself shivering, wishing he had brought his cloak.

"Why does Potions have to be in the dungeons?" James complained. "Even Slughorn doesn't like it down here."

Everyone ignored him. They had heard this particular protest at least four times a year since they began at Hogwarts.

The Potions classroom was quite large; large enough for a double class, and as such, had two supply cabinets, one on each side of the room. There was no rule or anything, but generally the Gryffindors used the one on the right, and the Slytherins used the one on the left.

About ten minutes into making his potion, Sirius decided to enact his plan. Very subtly, he emptied a vial of beetle's eyes into the potion of the kid sitting next to him, which promptly began frothing and making alarming popping noises.

"Professor!" the kid exclaimed, raising his hand. As Slughorn swept over to the cauldron, Sirius went to the front of the room where the supply cabinets were. There was a loud hiss from behind him, and everyone was looking at the cauldron, which was wobbling violently, looking as though it was about to combust. Slughorn studied it, trying to figure out what had gone wrong. Meanwhile, Sirius slipped over to the Slytherin supply cabinet and began to move things.

By the time Slughorn had put the potion right, Sirius was back in his own seat, adding lacewing flies to his own potion.

The class continued quietly, with just the bubbling of Potion and the quiet footsteps of students gathering ingredients. Sirius could also hear James quietly swearing, and did what he could to show James how to fix his potion.

Fifteen minutes before the class ended, the silence was broken by Slughorn, who announced, "Your potions should be turning a pale lavender colour at this time."

Sirius glanced over at the Slytherins, suppressing a grin as he noted their nervous expressions. James frowned at him. "What?"

"Nothing."

Another five minutes ticked past, and then he heard it. A loud _pop!_ and a very anxious Mulciber raised his hand. "Professor?"

"Yes, Mulciber?" Slughorn said, glancing up from the magazine he was reading.

"I think there's something wrong with my potion…" But it was too late.

_BANG!_ Thick, acid-green goo exploded out of the cauldron, raining down on most of the Slytherin students.

James and Sirius cracked up as plants began sprouting all over the dungeon, atop desks, backpacks, robes, and even on students. Everywhere the potion touched, vegetation began.

"Oh, now, really!" Slughorn yelled. He quickly walked through the room, noticing that every Slytherin potion appeared to be some form of fertilizer, rather than the potion they had been attempting. "Who switched ingredients in the supply cabinet?" the professor demanded.

"You?" James whispered. Sirius grinned in response. Out of the corner of his eye, he caught sight of Lily Evans scowling at him. She thought it was funny, he could tell, but was she was annoyed at her own amusement. He winked at her, and she smiled a little.

"Potter? Black?" They looked at Slughorn, smiles disappearing rapidly. "Did you have something to do with this?"

"No, sir," James said innocently. Sirius shook his head.

"Sir," Snape said, and James and Sirius burst into laughter again as they looked over at him, seeing the grass growing from his nose and eyebrows. "Sir, I saw Black over at our cabinet." Sirius and James immediately fell silent.

"Mr. Black, you are responsible for this?" Slughorn asked. Sirius was silent. "Very well. I will call your Head of House; she will decide your punishment. In the mean time, those of you who were splashed with the potion, off to the hospital wing! Go on. Those of you who were not affected, you are dismissed. Mr. Black, please remain here."

James cast Sirius a sympathetic look as he left, though Remus just shook his head.

"I'm very disappointed in you, Sirius," Slughorn said. "That was a very dangerous prank."

Sirius shrugged. He had known what he was doing, but Slughorn couldn't know that.

"Why don't you go ahead and begin cleaning this up." Slughorn said. It wasn't a question.

By the time Professor McGonagall arrived, the classroom was mostly repaired, and Sirius was seething, absolutely determined to get Snape for ratting on him.

"Black!" McGonagall screeched as she swept into the room. Sirius cringed. "How dare you do such a thing?"

Sirius shrugged awkwardly.

"Switching ingredients in the store cupboard! You could have hurt someone! Someone could have been killed! Do you realize how lucky you got?" she demanded. He lips formed a line so thin it almost disappeared.

Sirius shrugged again.

"Thirty points from Gryffindor!"

"But Professor –"

"And two weeks' detention!"

"But I –"

"Do not argue with me, Black. Your detentions will begin Monday. Now, out of my sight!"

Sirius hurried from the dungeons, quite happy to be away from McGonagall. As he came up the last set of steps, he nearly ran into James who was standing there with Remus, waiting.

"What did she do to you?" James asked. "She looked really mad."

"Uh…thirty points, and two weeks' detention," Sirius said, then grinned, trying to dismiss the issue.

"Bloody hell that's a lot!"

"Well, it makes sense," Remus said. "By switching ingredients, Sirius could have caused really dangerous compounds to be formed."

"I could have," Sirius said. "If I didn't know what I was doing. I planned this out a long time ago to do exactly what it did!"

"It was bloody brilliant, mate," James said, clapping Sirius on the back. "Did you see Snape?"

"It was worth it," Sirus said, still grinning. Remus glanced at him, and Sirius knew Remus knew exactly why it was. "Should we go find Peter?"

"He'll find us at dinner," James said, and began to walk. "C'mon. I'm starving!"

At James' instance they sat facing the Slytherin table, allowing them to watch as the sixth years came in late, looking quite disheveled. Sirius was quite pleased to see that Snape had grass stains on his face.

"We'll have to do something to Snape," James said conspiratorially. "For telling Slughorn it was you."

"What did Sirius do?" Peter asked, having missed the entire thing due to his not taking Potions this year. "What happened?"

"Don't you think Sirius is in enough trouble?" Remus broke in.

Sirius ignored this. "We'll think of something."

Peter's expression was a cross between frustration at being ignored and desperation to know what had happened. "Really, what did you do, Padfoot?"

"We could just jinx him," James said.

"Too simple."

"Poison him?"

"James!" Remus said, outraged.

"Something better," Sirius said, then grinned. "I think I have an idea."

As he whispered his plan to James, James' face lit up.

"What are you two talking about?" Peter asked.

"What do you think?" Sirius asked James.

"Perfect."

"Honestly!" Peter exploded. "Does everything have to be some huge secret?"

Most everyone at the Gryffindor table was staring at them after Peter's outburst. Several people at the next table were looking over curiously as well.

James looked around at all of them. "This is why we don't tell you things, Wormtail."


	27. Chapter 27

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Twenty-Seven**

James was already worried about the next Quidditch match.

The second weekend of February was to be the Gryffindor-Ravenclaw match. Which meant James had not even two full weeks to get the team into shape. He called daily practices, starting on the first Monday of the month.

"Honestly, Prongs," Sirius had complained. "Is this necessary?"

"Ravenclaw has a better team that Hufflepuff. I just want to be sure we win."

"Practice every day? I mean, you've given us twenty minutes to get down to the pitch after last class, and then we're there through half of dinner!"

"So?"

Sirius sighed. "Fine."

James grinned. "Knew you'd see it my way."

The practice on Monday went better than James had dared to hope, but not well enough to convince him that they didn't need so much practice.

The weather was dismal, though. Dark and sleeting, icy cold. By the time practice was over, they were all shivering.

"Good job everyone!" James called. "I'll see you all here tomorrow, same time." There was a collective groan. "This will be worth it! Just wait til we beat Ravenclaw."

The team dispersed, but James and Sirius remained standing on the pitch.

"Did you see Dennis and Justin today? Kept fumbling the Quaffle, missing passes…" James began. "Benson was good, though. He always is. Rolphen is a bit rusty, but I think he'll get over that in a few days."

"James –"

"Longbottom was fine, and I was as good as I always am, of course," James continued, not paying attention.

"Prongs?"

"You were really good today, Sirius. I've never seen you fly that fast."

"Thanks. Can we go in now?" Sirius asked through chattering teeth.

"Oh. Right."

They trudged up the muddy hill to the castle, shoving open the heavy front doors and hurrying into the warm Entrance Hall.

"Aren't you coming to dinner?" James asked as Sirius walked past the door to the Great Hall.

"I've got to change and then go to detention," Sirius said. Rain water dripped off his robes and made a puddle on the floor, mixing with the mud coming off his shoes.

"Already?"

"Yeah, it starts in fifteen minutes," Sirius said. He crossed his arms over his chest, trying to suppress a shudder.

"Oh. I guess I'll see you later then," James said, a little uneasy. He hadn't realized he would be making Sirius miss dinner.

"It's no big deal, Prongs. I'll grab something from the kitchens later."

"You know, if they offered a class in Legimency, you would ace it?"

"I ace all my classes," Sirius scoffed. "Right, I've got to go." He turned to run up the stairs, leaving muddy footprints all the way up, while James went into the Great Hall to get dinner.

* * *

Remus was left with only Peter, most of the time, for the next two weeks. James was often at Quidditch practice. When he wasn't at practice, he was talking about Quidditch, drawing diagrams and creating plays. As far as Remus was concerned, an absent James was preferable to one that refused to talk about anything but Wronski Feints.

Sirius, however, was even more absent than James, to the point that they rarely saw him outside of class. He had Quidditch practice every afternoon, and he had to run from there to detention. McGonagall had been quite serious about the punishment. For a few days it was only cleaning things; the trophy room, bathrooms, polishing suits of armor. He had then been sent to patrol the Forbidden Forest with Hagrid, which he claimed wasn't really a punishment, because he had missed seeing Hagrid, and this made time in his busy schedule for it. He was then ordered to inventory Potions supplies. "You'd think," Sirius deadpanned as they walked from one class to the next, "that they'd want to keep me away from that. Wouldn't want me to relapse into past misdemeanors, would they?" He had been given lines, as well.

But no matter what he was doing, he never made it back to the dormitory before the other Marauders were asleep, and by the time they woke up, he was gone again. Remus suspected that Sirius went running every morning, but also knew that Sirius must be spending some of that time doing his homework, since between Quidditch and detention, he didn't have the time to get it done. He was in the library at lunch every day writing essays and doing assigned readings, but even with all of this, was still falling behind in class, which meant that Remus had to instruct him during class in how to do the spells they were learning.

Remus had vaguely wondered if Sirius still thought the prank was worth it, but he knew that he did. James wasn't acting worried anymore, and that was the whole point of the prank.

So Peter and Remus worked on their homework in the common room each night as James sat next to them mumbling about plays.

"What's the difference between Monkshood and Wolfsbane?" Peter asked.

"Same plant. Also called Aconite," Remus mumbled, writing a conclusion to a Transfiguration essay.

"Didn't we learn that in first year, or something?" James interrupted.

"No. I told you in first year, but it wasn't in our text," Remus said, subdued.

They continued with what they were doing. Peter scribbling furiously, Remus flipping through a book, and James talking incessantly.

"Do you think Sirius will be back to go over plays with me?" James asked.

"Probably not. He's been out late every night with these detentions."

"McGonagall went a little mad," Peter commented. "Can you pass me that book?"

"Did we have Transfiguration homework?" James asked, suddenly. "I wasn't listening."

"Read the next chapter and write 18 inches about it."

"Remus?"

"Hmm?"

"Could you please kill me now? Or write my essay? Whichever seems easier?" James asked pitifully.

"I'm not writing your essay."

"Then kill me."

"I'm not going to kill you."

"Then write my essay."

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"I'm begging."

"I know. It's pathetic."

James scowled and pulled a book across the table and opened it, flipping through the pages noisily.

"Homework is pointless!" James announced loudly.

"Then don't do it," Peter said.

"I have to."

"Complaining about it isn't helping," Remus pointed out.

"Makes me feel better," James defended. "You know it's supposed to snow on Saturday?"

"Mhmm." Remus was writing the first few sentences of a Defense Against the Dark Arts essay.

"It's going to be awful for visibility."

"Mhmm."

"Are you listening?"

"Mhmm."

"Will you write my essay?"

"No."

"Damn. I thought I had you that time."


	28. Chapter 28

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Twenty-Eight**

James was up bright and early Saturday morning, anxious for the match. Remus was already awake, sitting on his bed reading a book, his typical pastime. Peter was still snoring. James could see the top of Sirius' head over the covers on his bed.

He made to walk over to Sirius, but Remus stopped him. "Let him sleep, James."

James turned around and glared at him.

"He's barely gotten any sleep all week. He'll play better if you let him sleep." Remus knew the magic words.

James nodded and went into the bathroom to shower, even though he would have to shower again after that match.

By the time breakfast was beginning Peter had woken up and gotten ready, and was working on a bit of homework. James sat on his bed fidgeting and muttering plays. Sirius remained dead to the world; he hadn't even moved since James had woken up.

"Now, Moony? Please?" James asked.

"Why?"

"We have to eat breakfast!"

Remus sighed. "Then go ahead."

James leapt off his bed and ran across the dormitory. He flopped on Sirius' bed next to him, and started shoving what he perceived to be Sirius' shoulder. It was hard to tell exactly, as Sirius was curled up in a ball, with only his eyes and the top of his head showing.

Sirius opened one eye and looked at James. "What?"

"Breakfast!"

"Not hungry."

"You have to eat, we have a match today!"

Sirius made a small noise of annoyance and pulled the covers over his head.

"Get up!"

"No."

"We have a match today."

"Really? I thought we just _liked_ having practices every single day."

"Padfoot..." James whined.

Sirius threw off the covers. "Oh, all right." He disappeared into the bathroom.

When he emerged ten minutes later looking somewhat more awake, though the dark smudges under his eyes remained, they went down to breakfast.

"Food!" James said loudly as they sat down next to the rest of the Quidditch team. The team turned to stare at him.

"Is it weird to anyone that there aren't any girls on the team this year?" Frank Longbottom asked.

"No," James said firmly, filling both his and Sirius' plates.

James talked to them all through breakfast, going over plays and reminding them how important this match was.

"You okay?" James asked Sirius in a low voice.

"Huh? Yeah, why?"

"You're quiet. You keep pushing your food around instead of eating it."

Sirus took a quick bite of sausage. "I'm okay, just really tired."

"Drink more coffee or something," James suggested.

By the time they headed down to the pitch, everyone was looking a bit livelier, though their spirits were quickly dampened by the snow that flopped onto the ground, more ice than snow.

"It's freezing," Sirus whined.

"You'll be warmer once you're flying," James said.

"You're mental. I'll be colder once I'm flying because there will be wind."

"Yes, but once you're flying you'll be too busy blocking goals to notice that it's freezing."

"Great," Sirius muttered.

"Listen," James began, suddenly solemn. "I know these last few weeks have been really rough for you. I know you're too tired to walk straight. But you'll play fine. You're always crazier when you're tired, and you play better when you're crazy."

"Maybe you should deprive me of sleep before every match," Sirius said sarcastically.

"You know what I mean. You're you, Padfoot. You'll be great."

"I am walking straight, Prongs," Sirius said, and James felt a little relieved that Sirius seemed to accept his pep talk.

James stopped and turned around, pointing at their footprints in the snow. "You sure about that?"

Sirius looked where his footprints weaved back and forth, and laughed suddenly. "Merlin, you're right."

"I'm always right. I keep telling you that, and you still don't seem to get it," James said. All of a sudden, Sirius was gone and a giant black dog was standing next to James. "Are you mental? Someone could have seen you!" James quickly checked around them, but there was no one in sight.

Padfoot ran a circle around James and then took off down the hill to the Quidditch pitch. All that coffee must have finally kicked in. James shook his head, then ran to follow.

When they reached the door of the locker room, Padfoot shook himself so all the snow flew off of him, and then Sirius was standing there again.

"I'm just being my crazy self, Prongs," Sirius said, and before James could reply, he was inside the little building.

_Well,_ he thought. _This bodes well for the match._

When the Gryffindor team marched out onto the pitch, they were met with mixed feelings. The Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs cheered, but the Slytherins and Ravenclaws booed.

James shook hands with the Ravenclaw captain, doing his best to crush the other boy's hand and trying not to wince as the other boy attempted the same.

At the whistle, as was his habit, James soared high in the air over everyone else, where he was able to both search for the snitch and observe the match.

Geoffrey Benson snatched the Quaffle and took off with it, streaking past all the other Ravenclaws, ducking under a bludger, and hurling the sphere at one of the goal posts.

"GRYFFINDOR SCORES!"

The Ravenclaw keeper tossed the ball to a chaser.

"Johnson with the Quaffle now – dodges a bludger from Rolphen – loops Alderton – Peverell steals the Quaffle and – ooh, takes a nasty hit with a bludger, and it's Wilder with the Quaffle – past Benson – and she shoots – a very low shot, there's no way Black can save…"

Sirius, instead of trying to dive a few feet, rolled his broom over so that he was upside down, hanging somewhat sloth-like. He let go of his broom, holding on with just his knees to reach above, or rather below, his head. James held his breath.

"A SPECTACULAR SAVE BY SIRIUS BLACK!"

"Yes!" James yelled, laughing. He swooped down near the goal posts as Sirius lobbed the Quaffle to Benson.

"Bloody brilliant, Padfoot!" he screamed.

Sirius grinned at him, then waved his arms. "Go look for the snitch, you idiot!"

Still laughing, James flew off, circling the stadium squinting for a tiny gold glint through the large flakes of snow.

"GRYFFINDOR SCORES! Gryffindor up twenty to none. Ravenclaw has possession, Wilder with the Quaffle and – bludger from Longbottom – that's going to hurt in the morning – and Peverell with the Quaffle, Gryffindor in possession – Johnson steals, Ravenclaw in possession – down the field, there's no one between him and the keeper – Gryffindor hopes desperately for another miracle save –"

James glanced at their end long enough to see Sirius lunge to the side and manage to deflect the Quaffle, nearly falling off his broom in the process. Shaking his head, he returned to searching.

"Another save by Sirius Black! And Gryffindor – no Ravenclaw in possession, another shot –"

This save didn't look nearly so complicated and Sirius made it easily.

"And Ravenclaw is unsuccessful! Sorry kids, Black is just too good! The man is on fire! Gryffindor's Alderton in possession – bludger from Michaels – no, Alderton dodges – pass to Peverell – to Benson – Peverell – Alderton – Benson – Benson shoots, and – GRYFFINDOR SCORE! Gryffindor up thirty to nothing!

"Ravenclaw in possession – and it's Wilder again, intense girl – pass to Johnson – and a bludger! He drops it and – Wilder catches it – past Peverell – it's just her and Black now!"

James, already at that end, turned to watch. The shot was an easy one to catch, but as Sirius moved toward it, a bludger, seemingly from nowhere shot towards him.

Sirius barely managed to grab the Quaffle, just by the tips of his fingers, but the bludger was going towards his outstretched arms. He pulled back quickly, but the bludger made contact, glancing off his forearm painfully.

"Black catches the Quaffle, but takes a nasty blow – score is thirty-nothing Gryffindor, and Gryffindor is in possession."

"You okay?" James shouted to Sirius, noticing his friend cradling his left arm to his chest.

"Yeah. Now would be a really great time to get the snitch, James!" Sirius yelled.

"No problem!"

James turned his broom slightly and shot forward, swerving around the Ravenclaw beater Michaels, stretched his arm out, and felt the cold metal of the snitch and the flutter of wings against his fingers as he clenched his fist.

"JAMES POTTER CATCHES THE SNITCH! GRYFFINDOR WINS!"


	29. Chapter 29

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Twenty-Nine**

Sirius Black was the hero of Gryffindor.

They mobbed him when he stepped off his broom. They screamed his name. They didn't seem to think he did drugs or anything of the sort now. They loved him.

James had caught the snitch, and they loved him too. But Sirius had put on a real show today, and they all knew it.

By the time Sirius and James extracted themselves from their fellow Gryffindors, the rest of the team was already in the locker room.

They changed, discussing the party that was sure to happen now, what with Gryffindor having a good chance at the cup this year.

Sirius really had no interest in the party. He had played the game, made the saves. He did it for James, because it was important to him. Now, all he wanted was to do his last detention and go to bed.

"You have to go to the party, Sirius," James said. "It won't be the same without you there."

"I've got detention though," Sirius said.

"The party will go all night, you know that. You can come late."

Sirius shrugged. "I'm really tired though."

"You can sleep in tomorrow."

"I guess…"

"Please?" James turned pleading eyes to his friend.

"Oh, all right."

"Maybe you should get our arm looked at first, though," James said, eyeing the nasty bruise already forming on Sirius' forearm.

"_Episkey!_" Sirius said, pointing his wand. The bruise disappeared.

"Nice," James complimented. "Must be all the adrenaline from winning."

Sirius scowled playfully. "I happen to be good at healing spells, unlike you."

"I can do them just fine!"

"You nearly maimed Peter."

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"This is stupid."

James glared at him, then laughed. "You're right."

"On both counts."

As they left the locker room, James was already beginning to rehash every detail of the game, looking for future strategies. Sirius nodded a lot and said "mhmm" in the right places, without really listening to a word.

"Black!" The call shot across the entrance hall, loud and sudden. He turned to see McGonagall standing at the door to the Great Hall.

"Yes, professor?" he said as he walked over.

"I have considered, and…" she began. Sirius felt dread sink into his stomach, while hope pulled his heart up into his throat, a rather sickening combination. "In light of your good behavior these past few weeks, and of course, your performance in the match today, I would be willing to forget your last detention."

"Really?" Sirius asked, surprised.

"Thanks Professor McGonagall! You're the greatest!" James said, then grabbed Sirius' arm and pulled him away.

"Are you mental? Don't question someone offering to let you miss a detention!" James berated him. Sirius didn't say anything. "We really ought to get you some coffee or something before the party."

The common room was full to bursting by the time they arrived, and hands reached out to pull James and Sirius into the room, lifting them up high while everyone cheered.

"Behold!" a seventh year yelled. "Our spectacular Seeker and our fantastic Keeper!"

They were released then, though everyone gathered around. Someone pushed a drink into Sirius' hands, and he noticed James had one as well.

"Sirius!" James yelled over the noise.

"Yeah?" Sirius bellowed back.

"Know what time it is?"

"Time to get this party started!" Sirius played along, despite his exhaustion.

Music was started, loud, the bass beating in his chest, the rhythm moving through him. Everyone began dancing, a whole throng of people swaying to the same beat. Sirius danced for a few minutes, but quickly extricated himself.

He flopped into a chair and rubbed his eyes. "Bloody hell," he mumbled.

"What's wrong with you?" He looked up just as Lily sat down next to him.

"I'm tired," Sirius whined.

"So go to bed."

"Can't," he said, looking out at the crowd. "Promised James I'd come to the party."

"You aren't much use at a party when you're too tired to do anything."

"I just need something to give me a little boost…" Sirius trailed off as a seventh year walked up.

"Did I hear you say you need a little pick me up?"

Sirius nodded and the guy sat down.

"Here's the deal. Take this, and you'll be able to party all night if you want to," the guy said, holding out a little white pill. "And seeing as you're the hero of the match, call it complimentary."

"What is it?" Sirius asked. He wasn't sure it mattered too much, though. He wanted to be able to have fun tonight.

"Nothing dangerous, if that's what you're worried about," the guy said.

"That's a bad idea, Sirius," Lily warned in a low voice. But really, how bad could it be?

"Just this once can't hurt," Sirius said dismissively, taking the little pill, swallowing it quickly before she could object.

"Wise man," the seventh year said, getting up to walk away.

"I can't believe you did that," Lily said. "Just take his word that it won't hurt you, that's good enough for you?"

"I've been hurt before," Sirius said, and her expression transitioned quickly from scolding to surprise to pity. He hated pity. "Just this once, Lily. For James. It'll be fine."

Before she could say anything, he got up and moved back into the middle of the crowd of people, already feeling energy coursing through him.

He asked a girl to dance, and they danced for a few songs. The world felt a little fuzzy at the edges, a little unreal. The music washed over him like a strong tide, pulling at him, telling him to forget everything and just dance. It was warm amid all the other people dancing, but the discomfort was distant, not at all worrying.

He didn't know the name of the girl he was dancing with, who was running her hands through his hair, across his shoulders, down his chest. He didn't care that he didn't know her name.

He still didn't know her name when he found himself making out with her, cheers and catcalls raining down on him as her hair grabbed at his hands, ensnaring him to her.

He moved on a few minutes later, dancing with a different girl. The first one tossed her blond, now-mussed hair and stalked off. She probably knew his name.

James came up to him, laughing, saying something. Mouth moving, no sound, loud music, loud, loud, ringing in his ears, spinning around him. James frowned.

Sirius shook his head hard. Someone bumped into him from behind, he pitched forward, falling, sinking, lost.


	30. Chapter 30

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Thirty**

Lily Evans was not a nosy person.

Yet, she couldn't keep herself from noticing that Sirius lost his balance and fell. She couldn't keep herself from seeing James Potter grab his arm and right him, looking concerned. She couldn't keep herself from moving towards them.

"You okay?" James asked Sirius. Sirius stared at him blankly, then turned back to the brunette he had been dancing with.

"Padfoot? What's wrong with you?" James demanded. Sirius didn't even turn.

Lily walked up to him, touched his shoulder. "James."

"What?" He glanced at her absently, then looked again. "Oh! Yes?"

She glanced around at all the people around them. They didn't need to hear. She stood on tiptoe and spoke softly, directly into his ear. "He took something a while ago. Some sort of pill. A drug."

"He did what?" James asked, a little loudly.

"Shh," she said. "He took something. I don't know what."

They both looked over at Sirius, who was now making out with the brunette. James grimaced. He took two steps over to the couple, and grabbed Sirius' shoulder.

Sirius broke away, looking at James, bewildered. His eyes were wide, the pupils huge. The brunette glared at James.

"Sorry," he said. "Sirius here actually has a girlfriend. Bad temper that girl has. Wouldn't want her to see you making out with him. I'm actually helping you."

Lily almost laughed at this excuse, but didn't because of Sirius. The brunette shrugged and walked away.

"C'mon, Padfoot, let's go upstairs," James said in a calm voice. He held onto Sirius' upper arm, using it to direct him through the crowd, and up the stairs to the boys' dormitory. Lily followed.

The dormitory was blissfully quiet in comparison to the cacophony of the party. Lily took in the general mess of four boys living in one room. Socks were strewn everywhere, probably dirty, there were textbooks all over the floor, and there were at least seven sets of robes hanging off of various pieces of furniture. The mess was absent around one of the beds though, which convinced her that it was Remus' bed. She sat down on the edge of it.

James pushed Sirius onto his bed, and then sat down on the end of it as well.

"Sirius? What did you take?" Sirius just stared.

"A seventh year gave it to him. All he would say was that it wasn't dangerous," Lily explained.

"Sirius? Can you hear me?" James asked gently.

Sirius nodded slowly, looking over at him. Lily wondered why he wouldn't talk.

"Okay, good." James made a pained face, and looked over at Lily. "I don't know what to do."

"I, uh, I –" she hated it when she stuttered. "Maybe some water?"

"Right! Makes sense," James said, jumping up and getting a glass of water from the pitcher on the table under the window.

"Here you go," he said, handing Sirius the glass. Sirius stared at it suspiciously. "C'mon mate, it's just water."

Sirius sipped it cautiously, then took several gulps.

"Good idea," James said softly, smiling gratefully at Lily. She squirmed, and nodded. James walked over to her. "I don't know why he would do that," he mumbled, shaking his head.

"I think…I think he just wanted to have a good time tonight," Lily said slowly. "He wanted to forget what's happened for a while and just have a little fun, without being so tired. You can't blame him for that."

"No, you can't," James said, looking sad. She felt sad then, and amazed, and a little comforted. She had always thought James Potter was so conceited, but seeing him genuinely upset over the state of his friend made her wonder if maybe his arrogance was just a front.

"You really care about him, don't you?"

"He's like a brother to me," James said seriously.

"You're the same way to him," she said quietly.

"You two are friends?" James asked, raising his eyebrows.

"Yes."

"Didn't know that."

"Well, now you do."

"Sirius –" James said, and Lily looked over at their mutual friend, surprised to see him jump up from his bed and run into the bathroom. She could hear him being sick.

She got up and went into the bathroom, sitting down beside Sirius on the cold stone. She held his long hair back as he was sick.

"Oh, Sirius," she mumbled. "I wish you had listened to me."

He stopped throwing up for the moment. He wiped his mouth on his sleeve. "Ow," he whimpered, putting a hand to his stomach.

Lily pulled him closer to her, holding him, running her hands up and down his back. He seemed very small, like a child, helpless. "It's okay," she said soothingly.

As he pulled away and threw up again, she glanced over at the door. James, Remus, and Peter all hovered there, unsure of what to do, all clearly worried.

When Sirius was finished, James rushed over and helped him up, supporting him back to his bed. Remus pulled off Sirius' shoes and pulled the covers over him. Sirius closed his eyes, falling asleep almost immediately.

James turned to Lily. "Thank you," he said wholeheartedly.

"It was nothing," she said, looking down.

"No, it wasn't," Remus said. "Really, thank you."

She nodded, not meeting their eyes. "I should go."

"Okay," James said quietly.

She left the dormitory, going down into the common room where the party was mostly dead, save for a few people still intent on celebrating. Streamers and banners, empty bottles of butterbeer and paper plates where strewn everywhere. She carefully picked her way through the mess to her own dormitory.

Lily changed quickly and got into bed.

It was sad to her, how wrong this party had ended up going. She felt bad for Sirius, not only because he got sick, but because he felt he needed to take drugs.

She felt a twinge of guilt. Maybe she ought to have told somebody about Sirius' parents. Even though she had promised she wouldn't. She chewed on her lip, thinking hard about it. It had been two weeks already, and she had barely questioned her decision. If she told, he wouldn't trust her, and the he wouldn't talk to anyone. But what good was it being able to talk to someone if he was going to go home for the summer to be beaten by his own parents? She didn't know what to do.

There was only one little glimmer of positivity that had come from the night. Lily drifted into sleep thinking that maybe there was a little more to James Potter than she had thought.

* * *

They checked on him every few hours all night long.

It wasn't as hard as one might think. Every few hours he would have a nightmare, screaming in his sleep. They all woke up. They all rushed over to him. He didn't wake up.

When he didn't scream, he just talked, mumbling softly, unintelligible things, the few words that could be understood didn't make sense. "Secret…firewhiskey…umbrella stand."

Eventually, soft light, the sort that gently tickles the skin with warmth, that smells like sparkling snow, that sounds like winter laughter and rustling trees, that massages your vision with pastel colour, danced into the room.

Remus was already awake when it did; sitting up in his bed, with the blanket wrapped around his shoulders, a cape for the superhero he wished he could be so he could save his friend.

Peter was barely snoring that morning. It was loud breathing more than anything. James had fallen asleep curled up on the end of Sirius' bed, where he had moved to sit whenever Sirius started screaming.

James had been scared last night, all of them were. Maybe they were still a little afraid.

They woke up in shifts, the weekend morning allowing a slow beginning to a day of nothingness.

Peter was first, after Remus, rolling over and blinking a little, just looking out into the room as he rejoined the conscious world. Eventually, he carried his blanket to Remus' bed and sat there with him. They watched the sky grow blue, then clouds billow in.

James woke up, confused. He frowned and squinted and shook his hair out of his eyes. He saw Sirius. He remembered. James silently went into the bathroom and took a shower.

They went downstairs for breakfast. Sirius wouldn't wake yet, they knew, for he was much too tired. But they still ate quickly and went back upstairs.

Remus and Peter spread out books on the floor and studied. James polished his broomstick. Still, no one spoke.

When it was time to go to lunch, James was worried. He didn't want Sirius to wake up alone. They ended up leaving Sirius' two-way mirror on the pillow next to his head, where he was sure to see it if he awoke. James carried the other, checking it every thirty seconds.

It was well into the afternoon when Sirius finally stirred, mumbling a little. James dropped the essay he had been writing and moved to the end of Sirius' bed. Remus and Peter sat on the bed next to it, James'.

Sirius sat up and put a hand to his head, squinting at them.

"How are you feeling?" Remus asked softly.

Sirius nodded a little and blinked.

"You had a rough night," Peter said carefully. Sirius looked at him blankly.

"Sirius, say something," James ordered quietly.

"My head hurts," Sirius croaked, his voice rough and ragged.

"You're coming off of drugs," James said, a hint of anger tinting his voice.

Sirius nodded.

"Why did you do that? Why?" James demanded, anger no longer a tinge but the only emotion.

"I –" Sirius stopped, his eyes wide, staring at James as blood rushed to his friend's face.

"You scared us to death, Sirius! That was so stupid! How could you do that?" James exploded.

"James, maybe we should wait and do this later," Remus suggested gently, seeing Sirius' whole body shaking, though from the drugs or from James' anger he wasn't sure.

"No! I want to know why!"

"I –" Sirius faltered again, his eyes dropping to look at the blankets in his lap. He tugged on them and pulled them up around his shoulders.

"Tell us, Sirius," Peter said.

"I just wanted to – to forget," he whispered.

"That was really dangerous," Remus said carefully. "You could have really hurt yourself."

"I thought – I thought it would be okay," Sirius said weakly. "Just this once."

"Damn right it's just this once!" James exclaimed. "Because if you ever do that again, I swear I will bloody well kill you!"

"I'm sorry," Sirius said miserably.

"You should be!" James said, getting up and stalking out of the dormitory, down to the common room. Sirius looked up at Remus with eyes filled by sadness and regret.

"It's okay. He'll calm down. He was just scared. We all were," Remus said.

"Me too," Sirius said hoarsely. "I don't want to do that again."

"Good," Peter said firmly.

"Do you want to get up? Get something to eat?" Remus asked.

Sirius shook his head. "I'm so tired…"

"Okay," Remus nodded. "We'll let you sleep then."

Sirius gave a grateful half-smile and lay back down as Peter and Remus left the dormitory.

They found James sitting by the fireplace, glaring into the flames.

"It's okay now, James," Remus said. "He won't do it again."

"Do you think it's my fault?" James asked suddenly.

"Of course not. Why would it be?"

"I pushed him to go the party. He didn't want to go. If he hadn't gone, he wouldn't have taken anything."

"It was his choice," Remus said. "It was a bad choice, and he knows that now. We should just put it behind us."

"I guess." James crossed his arms over his chest. "But what if he does something stupid like that again?"

"He'll be fine, James. One lapse in judgment doesn't mean he's suddenly going to spiral out of control."

"Maybe you're right. It's just – " he broke off.

They sat silent for a moment, the sound of their breath a comforting whisper in their ears.

"It'll be fine," James said, testing the words for himself. "Just fine."

"Of course it will."

They were silent again.

"So," Peter began. "Who's up for a game of Gobstones?"


	31. Chapter 31

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Thirty-One**

February faded into March, early March into late, very slowly, it seemed to Sirius.

His mistake at the party wasn't easily forgiven. His friends acted strangely around him, though it wasn't anything he could exactly define. It was something in the way James didn't push him to do anything, and was very careful with the things he said. Something in the way he kept catching Remus casting concerned glances at him when he thought Sirius wasn't looking. Something in the way Peter avoided his gaze, and squirmed when he couldn't.

Sirius didn't know how to convince them that he was okay. Increasingly often he found himself avoiding them, reading textbooks every night instead of talking to them, visiting the library at lunch.

He had finally caught up in his classes, even doing extra credit whenever it was offered. His teachers had even quit raising their eyebrows as he handed in assignments. They were getting used to hard-working Sirius.

"What's up with you?" James asked one night as they trekked up to the castle after Quidditch practice. They were having weekly practices despite the fact that the last match wasn't until May.

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked, feigning ignorance.

"You've been different, ever since…you know, the party…" James trailed off awkwardly.

"Different how?" Sirius asked defensively.

"Don't be like that, Padfoot, I'm not accusing you of anything," James said. "I just mean…you're very serious all the time."

"I've always been Sirius," Sirius joked lamely.

James shot him a look. "You know what I mean."

"No, I don't," Sirius snapped. "I don't know what you mean. All I know is you all have been treating me different ever since that party, and I'm sick of it. I made one little mistake, and you won't forget it!"

"Sirius, calm down," James said, putting his hands out in front of him to ward off attack. "I don't mean to treat you different."

"But you do!"

"How?"

"Like when you – I mean, you're always – damn it, James!" Sirius yelled in frustration. "I can't explain it exactly, but I don't like it!"

"How am I supposed to change if I don't know what I'm doing wrong?" James asked mildly.

"I don't know!" Sirius snapped. He crossed his arms and was silent.

"I'm sorry, mate, okay?"

Sirius snorted.

"I am. Look, I know something that will cheer you up."

"I don't need cheering up," Sirius said hotly.

"Okay, I know something that will cheer _me_ up. We were planning on getting Snape back, right?" James grinned deviously.

"Yeah?"

"I think it's about time we do that, huh?"

"I guess. What do you want to do?"

"Mandrake," James said.

"What?" Sirius looked up to see they had made it all the way to the portrait of the Fat Lady without him noticing. He really needed to get more sleep or something. He was obviously losing it.

"I don't know. You have any ideas?" James asked as they went up the stairs into the dormitory.

Sirius shook his head.

"Ideas for what?" Peter asked.

"Pranking Snape," James said, flopping onto his bed.

"You really shouldn't," Remus began. "You two are finally not in trouble for anything. You ought to enjoy that for a while."

"Maybe he's right, James," Sirius said, pulling some pajamas out of his trunk.

"What?" James demanded, sitting up.

"I got so behind in class the last time I got detentions," Sirius said.

"But I'm bored," James whined. "And you're top in all our classes!"

"No, I'm not," Sirius argued, going into the bathroom to change.

"Yes, you are," James called loudly. "Beating Moony, even."

"Yeah, right," Sirius muttered to himself. He finished changing, then leaned against the sink, staring at his face in the mirror. He was ghostly pale, his eyes sort of sunken, dark smudges underneath. He looked like a vampire. Or dead.

He left the bathroom and went over to his bed.

"So are we going to do the prank or not?" James asked.

Sirius didn't say anything, just pulled the hangings of the four poster shut.

"Sirius!" James exclaimed. "C'mon! What did I do now?"

"Nothing. I'm just tired," Sirius said. He lay on his side, pulling his knees up to his chest. He closed his eyes tight.

It was killing him, all of this work, all of these problems this year. He didn't know what to do about it.

He was tired, but he didn't feel sleepy. It was funny, that distinction.

Sirius wasn't sure how long he was lying there, thinking about how exhausted he was before there was a quiet whisper. "Sirius."

He opened the hangings a little bit to find Remus. He motioned with his hand and Remus climbed onto his bed, sitting down at the end, while Sirius sat against the headboard.

"Are you okay?" Remus asked quietly.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"You've never turned down a prank before."

"Sure I have."

"No, you haven't. Not even when you already had a month's detentions lined up." Remus fidgeted a little.

"I – I don't know, Moony," Sirius whispered, looking down. "I'm just so tired all the time."

"Look, don't get mad, okay?" Remus said. "But I'm worried. You look ill. You don't eat. It's…It's scary, Sirius."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sirius mumbled, hugging his pillow to his chest.

"I think you do. I think you know exactly what I'm talking about."

"What are you saying, Remus?" Sirius asked, fixing a furious stare on his friend.

"You're sick, Sirius."

"No, I'm not."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Yes," Sirius said emphatically.

"I'm not."

"I don't want to talk about this," Sirius said. "Just leave me alone."

"Sirius, you can tell me stuff like this. You can talk to me."

"I don't _want_ to, Remus!"

"Sirius –"

"Go," Sirius said, his voice rough. "Just go."

"Sirius –"

"Remus, please."

"Okay." Remus got up and went to his own bed then, leaving Sirius alone.

Sirius buried his face in his pillow, trying to block out even the thoughts that whirled inside his head before he got out of bed and went down to the common room, knowing he wouldn't sleep this night.


	32. Chapter 32

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Thirty-Two**

Sirius wasn't in his bed the next morning. They found him in the common room, sitting on the sofa, dressed for class.

"Padfoot, what are you doing down here?" James asked carefully. Sirius just shrugged.

Sirius listed to the side a bit as he stood up, using the back of the sofa to steady himself.

"You okay, Sirius?" Remus asked softly. Sirius nodded, refusing to meet his eyes. Remus almost cringed. He hated it when Sirius was mad at him.

"Let's go eat," Peter said, trying to break the tension.

They ate mostly in silence. James stared at Lily as he swallowed his food without chewing. Peter read the paper. Remus watched Sirius, who stared at his plate, pushing food around without eating a bite. He almost spoke, but bit his tongue. It wouldn't help to make Sirius more angry; he would just be more defensive.

When they got up to go to Transfiguration, Peter began to talk. Remus wasn't paying attention enough to tell what it was about. Leave it to Peter. James had sensed the tension between Remus and Sirius and had become similarly quiet. Peter tried to supply a full conversation.

"Sirius," Remus whispered as they sat down in Transfiguration. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not mad, Moony," Sirius said, finally meeting his eyes. He was telling the truth. "I just don't feel so great this morning."

"You could go to the hospital wing," Remus suggested, taking in Sirius' sunken eyes, his pale skin.

Sirius shook his head. "It'll be fine."

Remus nodded, though he didn't agree, turning his attention to the front as Professor McGonagall began to speak.

Everyone took notes furiously for a few minutes, then were set to the task of transforming a rat into a radio. Remus was pretty sure the only reason a rat was chosen was for the alliteration.

The class became louder as everyone began trying the spell. There were shouts of the incantation, loud bangs as the spell didn't work, and general chaos as a Hufflepuff managed to turn his rat into a large serpent.

Remus tried out the spell and his rat turned into a radio, but the radio still had some fur on it. Sighing, he turned to see how much progress his friends were making.

As he looked over, James tried the spell, but accidentally prodded his rat with his wand, sending the rat scrambling for the other side of his desk with a bald spot where the wand had touched it. Peter yelped loudly as his rat bit him. Sirius frowned as he concentrated, waving his wand and muttering the incantation. A radio was sitting there, with a twitching tail.

"Almost got it," Remus said encouragingly. "Sirius?"

Sirius' complexion was absolutely ashen, grey. He was trembling.

"Sirius?" Remus asked, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder, feeling the onset of panic. James and Peter had looked over, and then James was out of his seat, moving towards them.

Sirius shook Remus' hand off, putting his own hand to his head, closing his eyes. "I'm fine," he whispered as his body went limp. He fell to the side, out of his seat, into James' arms as James lunged forward to catch him.

"Professor!" Peter yelled, jumping out of his own seat to kneel next to James. Remus slid out of his own seat and was next to them.

"What happened?" McGonagall asked, pushing her way through the crowd of students who had gathered around.

"He tried the spell, Professor," Remus explained quickly. "And then he just passed out."

Professor McGonagall barked at the other students to back up as she magicked Sirius onto a stretcher, and ordered the three conscious marauders to take him to the hospital wing.

They walked quickly, Remus' wand guiding Sirius' stretcher.

"Why do we keep doing this?" James demanded.

"Doing what?" Peter asked.

"What, you don't find this familiar? Taking our friend down to the hospital wing on a stretcher, having no idea what happened to him?" James snapped. "Use your brain, Peter."

"James," Remus warned. "I know you're upset, but you don't need to take it out on Peter."

"I'm not –" James began hotly.

"You are. Just calm down."

Madam Pomfrey was waiting for them when they got there, somehow already knowing what had happened. Remus guided Sirius' stretcher to a bed before they were pushed out of the hospital wing.

James slid down to the floor outside the door, wrapping his arms around his knees. Remus and Peter moved to sit next to him.

"He'll be fine, James," Remus said gently.

"Yeah, just like he was last time, right? Just like he was after he took that drug. Just like he has been all year," James said bitterly.

The three of them were silent, sitting on the icy floor of the hallway, waiting.

Lily Evans showed up after class, silently sitting next to James. James glanced at her, then stared straight ahead again, biting his lip. Remus felt his eyebrows raise as Lily slipped her hand into James' and squeezed. James squeezed back.

Funny, Remus thought, how things like this, where one person was falling apart, brought other people closer together.

* * *

Waking up in the hospital wing was an experience that no student ever wanted to repeat. It smelled of dust and sheets, the air tasted of the bitterest potion. It was light in the room, but with a feeling of being closed in, rather than airy.

Sirius' head pounded as he opened his eyes to see Madam Pomfrey standing over him. He blinked. "What?" he croaked.

"You passed out in class," she said in a tone that was both gently caring and disapproving. "You haven't been eating properly, have you, Sirius?"

"What?" he said again.

"You've lost a considerable amount of weight. You're anemic and malnourished." Sirus blinked again.

"I eat," he choked out. She handed him a cup of water, which he sat up to drink.

"Then you won't mind getting on this scale," she said. She drew the curtains around his bed to give them some privacy.

"I don't want to," he said, standing up. "Can I leave?"

"No, you may not," Madam Pomfrey said. "Not until you get onto that scale."

"But I'm fine."

"You don't have a choice in the matter. It's best to just get it over with."

Sirius sighed loudly, and stepped onto the scale she indicated. Madam Pomfrey messed with the sliding thing on the top part as he stood there.

"Stand still, please," she said. He stood still. "Okay, you may get off now."

He stepped off the scale and sat back down on the bed.

"Sirius, is there something wrong?"

"What?" He felt dumb. Same question three times in as many minutes.

"You weigh seven stone and 4 pounds. That's quite underweight for someone of your height." She scrutinized him intently. "Is there something wrong? Some reason you've lost so much weight?"

"No. I'm okay," he said quickly. That wasn't possible, right? He couldn't be underweight.

"Any increase in activity? Anything like that?"

Sirius lit on an idea. "I took up running," he said. "Not too much, or anything. Just a hobby."

"You need to gain some weight, in order to be healthier," Madam Pomfrey said kindly. "I don't want to have to give you a weight gain potion to help you do that."

"No," he said again.

"If you're going to be a runner, you have to eat more, to make up for all the calories you burn running. And you need to make sure you're eating the right things. Fruit and vegetables, proteins, and grains, okay?"

"Yes. Can I go now?" he asked a little desperately. It didn't make sense, for him to be underweight. She was wrong, she had to be, but she knew what she was doing. But it didn't make any sense.

"I want you to stay here for a little while to rest," she said. "But I will let your friends in to see you."

He nodded and she walked away. Sirius moved to sit in the middle of the bed, grabbing the pillow and hugging it to his chest.

"Hey, Padfoot, mate, how are you feeling?" James asked, clearly concerned, as he took a chair next to the bed.

"Okay," Sirius whispered. Lily sat in a chair next to James, Remus was on the end of the bed, and Peter took a chair on the other side.

"What happened?" Remus asked softly.

"I – she said – and I –" he stopped. He couldn't process what was going on. He didn't understand how he could be considered underweight, or what he was supposed to tell his friends, or why any of this was happening.

"Madam Pomfrey said that you fainted because you aren't getting the proper nutrition you need," Lily said gently.

Sirius nodded and hugged his pillow harder.

"You've lost a lot of weight this year," James said. Sirius shook his head hard.

"No. No I haven't," he said.

"How much do you weigh, Sirius?" Remus asked.

"I don't know," Sirius lied.

"There's a scale right there," Lily said. "You do know."

"Why are you ganging up on me?" Sirius asked. He felt very small.

Lily seemed to sense this, and moved to sit next to him on the bed, slipping an arm around his shoulders. "We're not. We just want to know so we can help you."

"I don't need help," he said. "But thanks for offering."

"I think you do need help, Sirius," Remus said. "Because the weights on this scale were left on seven stone four pounds."

"I weigh ten stone," James said, astounded.

"I don't – I – damn it," Sirius said. "What do you want from me?"

"Sirius," Lily said. "We just want you to be healthy and happy."

"I am," Sirius insisted.

They all looked at him dubiously.

"I am!" he said, louder. "I took up running, and I wasn't eating enough to make up for it. I know now, so it'll be fine!"

"Okay, okay," James said disbelievingly, but quickly changed the subject. "Do you want to go get some lunch?"

"Yes," Sirius said, firmly.

They got permission from Madam Pomfrey, and went down to the Great Hall.

Sirius found himself sitting, staring at his plate, at the peanut butter and jam sandwich on it, the orange next to it, and the broccoli next to that.

He was hungry, so hungry, but he couldn't eat that, could he? But he was underweight. He couldn't be, but he was. So it shouldn't matter if he ate. They were all watching him. He couldn't. And he could. But he couldn't. But he had to.

He ate the sandwich. Remus smiled at him. He peeled the orange. James started talking about Quidditch. Sirius didn't pay attention at all. He ate his orange. He ate the broccoli. He got a banana. Lily looked pleased.

"You're okay, Sirius," James said in his ear. Sirius nodded.

Lunch was over, a crowd of people leaving the Great Hall.

"You've been excused from your classes for the rest of the day," Peter told him. "But you can come if you want to."

Sirius shook his head. "I think I want to just catch up on some homework. What was the Transfiguration for tonight?"

They told him, then headed outside for Herbology as he went upstairs. The dormitory was empty, obviously, when he got there.

His lunch sat heavily in his stomach, mocking him. _I'm not underweight_, he thought. _I'm fat. _He hated the feeling of his stomach being full. _You're going to get even fatter. You are so stupid and weak!_

Sirius found himself in the bathroom, torn. He couldn't get rid of the food. He wasn't messed up like that. It would be okay. It had to be.

_Your father will punish you for being fat_. He turned, shoving two fingers down his throat, and watched it all come up. It hurt, his stomach, his head, his eyes watered. Maybe that wasn't from pain.

_It's all so wrong_, he thought as he pulled himself to his feet. He went to the sink to rinse his mouth. _Everyone thinks I'm crazy, they think I'm weak, they pity me. I don't need it. I don't need them. I'm not underweight, and I'm not sick. All I need is to be thin. They can't take that from me. I won't let them._


	33. Chapter 33

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Thirty-Three**

James couldn't stand to stay in the dormitory that night. It felt strangely empty, despite the presence of his three best friends. He could hear their unspoken words.

The common room was much louder and much better. There were people, people who weren't tense and worried, who weren't pretending their problems didn't exist.

A first year charmed a paper airplane to buzz around the room. He looked quite pleased with himself. James considered telling the first year that that was nothing; he had turned a desk into a pig earlier this year. He was quiet. He sat right in the middle of the couch, purposely, making it clear that it was his and only his.

Lily Evans did not seem to understand that gesture. "How are you doing?" she asked, sitting next to him.

"Fine. Why wouldn't I be?" James said, a tiny hint of sarcasm in his voice. He didn't want to make her mad, but she was encroaching and he couldn't help it. He was so _frustrated_.

"You don't look fine," she said softly. "You look angry and you look scared."

"I'm fine." He thought of how many times he had heard that phrase recently. "Maybe not."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Her green eyes were earnest, open and awaiting anything he wanted to say.

"I don't want to talk to him," James said. That sounded funny, but he thought maybe she understood because she didn't look confused. As he reminded himself, he didn't love her only for her looks.

"You don't know how to fix him." He stared at her. In his own mind he had been struggling for words to describe exactly what he was feeling. Although she didn't use a single adjective, her statement had perfectly summed up exactly what he was feeling. He nodded, a little dumbfounded.

He supposed he should have expected that Lily wouldn't buy into Sirius' running story either. He should have realized that she knew everything that was going on.

"He's breaking, and you can't put him back together, and you're scared," she said gently. "You're afraid that something bad will happen to him, or that it already has. That if you don't fix him, it will be your fault." He nodded again, swallowing hard.

"It isn't your fault, James," she whispered.

"I think – I think it might be, a little," James said carefully. "I think I should have been paying more attention, because this has been a long time coming and I didn't see until it was too late."

"It isn't too late," she said immediately. Then she softened. "I don't think you weren't paying attention. He hides things well."

"He's my best mate," James said stubbornly. "I should have seen."

"Blaming yourself won't help."

"So what do I do?" he asked, looking at her again, silently begging her to tell him the answer.

"I don't know," she said helplessly.

"He seemed okay at lunch today," James said slowly. She nodded. "Maybe he's realized, and he'll get better."

She nodded a little. "Maybe."

"We should at least give him a chance, right?"

"I suppose," she answered.

"I just – I hate how everything is so different," James complained. If he was going to talk about all of this, he was going to get it all out there.

"Is it all so bad?" she asked softly, slipping a hand into his.

He stared at her. "No. This part is quite good, actually."

She smiled. "I think I may have been wrong about you, James."

"What changed your mind?" he asked, pulling her a little closer.

"You're a good friend," Lily said thoughtfully. "You care about people, your friends. A lot more than I thought you did."

"I care about you," he said softly.

"I noticed that, too," she whispered, her eyes closing.

_I can't believe this is happening_, he thought, as he lowered his face to hers, letting his lips barely brush hers, asking for permission.

She didn't say no. He brought his hand up, gently tipping her chin up before cupping her cheek, then kissed her the way he had wanted to the first time.

Author's Note: I am aware that James and Lily didn't begin dating until their seventh year, but for the purposes of this story, they start in sixth. Deal with it. Sorry this chapter was so short, but I promise I'll post a really long one tomorrow. 


	34. Chapter 34

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Thirty-Four**

One little hairpin turn in the path of life changes everything.

James and Lily started going out the week of Sirius' most recent trip to the hospital wing. That shouldn't have been a big deal.

Except that it was.

Suddenly it was the five of them instead of four; it was four boys and a girl, instead of four boys.

Suddenly Lily was James' best friend, not Sirius, Lily was there, and Sirius sank into the background.

On one level, he liked that. There was something that tasted like freedom, but with the bitter aftertaste of realization that he was no longer a necessary element in the lives of his friends.

He needed no excuses, for everything he did slipped past unnoticed. The first week, they watched him. Then they got distracted. It was calming, to be without the anxiety of lying and keeping up appearances. It was unsettling that he was invisible.

He was there, he wasn't, it didn't matter, they didn't notice, and so he didn't either.

When Lily wasn't there, James talked about her, telling them what she thought of everything. No one asked Sirius' opinion.

He often wanted to scream 'What about me?' But he wouldn't, and he didn't. He was jealous, he realized, because she had taken over his friends, and maybe even more than that, they had taken her. He hated them because he was jealous, but he hated himself just a little bit more.

He couldn't talk to anyone, now. They were all a group, and he wasn't there, or he was but it didn't matter. He was invisible.

Sirius wondered how one person could change the dynamic so much. He wondered if it hadn't already been like that.

It wasn't always like that, because he remembered being happier before. But then he thought it must have been long ago, because he hadn't been actually happy in a while. A happy moment, on occasion, when he had to wear his belt tighter, when he managed to go a full day without eating. But looking back, he couldn't remember what it felt like to be overcome with happiness, the sort that bubbles up inside of you and spills over.

Something was looming over him, something he couldn't identify and couldn't defeat. It was like a nightmare where he was being chased by something, but didn't know what it was. All he knew was that there would be hell to pay if it caught up to him.

Whenever he felt bad about something, he thought of all the things it could be, and when the right thought came, a stronger feeling of anxiety settled in his stomach. He wasn't sure how that little experiment had come about, but it had always worked.

He sifted through his thoughts. They landed on the letter he had received telling he would be returning home for Easter break, and his heart sank. Yes, this was it.

Orion was still too angry at him, he was certain, for the letter had been in his mother's elegant script. He was pretty sure that meant his mother would be dealing with his punishment. It didn't make him feel any better.

There were a few exams before Easter, and there was a lot of homework assigned. Sirius worked on homework often while he was being invisible. He was good at distracting himself. From everything.

The last night before the break, they were all sitting in the common room. Remus and Peter played chess, while Lily and James talked and laughed. Sirius sat on the floor and took notes from a textbook for an essay he would write later.

He got up and went to the dormitory, without making mention of a reason. He was invisible, after all.

He relished the reprieve from endless irrelevant noise. Rain tapped the glass of the window, requesting permission to dampen the overly cheery, warm light of the dormitory. Sirius felt inclined to open the window and let it do that, but thought that it might be frowned upon.

Instead, he pulled a bunch of clothes out of his trunk and shoved them into a bag, along with the textbooks he would need.

He was lying on his back in the middle of his bed when James, Remus, and Peter came in, laughing and talking, happy it was Easter break. Sirius felt ill at the thought.

"Padfoot?" James asked. Sirius glanced over at James briefly, then went back to staring up at the top of the four poster.

"Are you all right?"

"Sure." He wondered if they remembered he was going home tomorrow. He wondered if they cared. He wondered if he had even told them in the first place. There wasn't a great time to announce something like that.

"You're going home?" Peter asked, eyeing Sirius' backpack. Sirius nodded, though it was hard to tell because he was still lying down.

"No." James' voice was firm, very decisive. "You can't go."

"Got a letter. I've been ordered to go home."

"Don't go," James said, pleading.

"What do you care?" Sirius said, still staring straight up.

"What do you mean?" Remus asked. Sirius could hear the frown in his voice, the thoughtful analysis of his every word beginning.

"Just forget I said anything." He closed his eyes and counted. He wasn't sure what he was counting or why, but it made sense to him, somehow. Some sense of calm.

"No, I want to know. What did you mean by that?" James' voice held more anger than Sirius expected. Sirius opened his eyes, but didn't look at James. He wasn't ready to see his expression.

"You've barely spoken to me since you started going out with Lily," he began evenly. "I was under the impression that she is your highest priority now, and that I'm just in the way."

"What? How can you think that?" James demanded. Sirius shrugged.

"Just sort of seemed that way." His voice came out sounding surprisingly unperturbed. He didn't feel angry. He didn't feel anything.

"Well, you're wrong! I don't know how you could think that when all we've been doing for weeks is worrying about you!"

Sirius thought that should bother him. It didn't. He was making James angry, but he wasn't getting angry himself. He was upsetting James, but he wasn't feeling a single thing. It wasn't fair, but he couldn't make himself care about that either.

"I suppose I'm just a burden to you," he said simply. "Maybe you'd like to just pretend I don't exist so that you don't have to worry. Wouldn't be much of a change."

"I – you – Damn it, Sirius, can we help it if we want to be happy, even if you don't?" James yelled.

There was a sharp intake of breath, probably from Peter, a small warning noise, probably from Remus, but Sirius and James were deathly silent.

"Sorry if I'm interfering with your happiness," Sirius said stiffly. "I'll just get out of the way." He stood up quickly.

"Sirius, wait," James pleaded, even as Sirius was walking out of the door. "Damn it!"

Sirius wandered around Hogwarts for a while, though it was late. He was miraculously able to avoid any sort of life form, finding himself in a secret passage between the fourth and seventh floors.

James wouldn't come after him, he knew, not this time. James didn't know why Sirius was picking a fight with him, something Sirius didn't exactly know himself, but he was willing to admit he was trying to provoke his friend.

_"All we've been doing for weeks is worrying about you."_ That sentiment drifted slowly into Sirius' mind, the oddest part of the conversation, and he let it float back and forth through his mind like a banner, stirring up memories like dust in the wind. The times he had walked up to his four friends only to have them go absolutely silent. The times he caught his name in whispers as he walked away. Glances shared between the four of them when he said he wasn't hungry, or that he was busy.

They were worried, he concluded, meaning James was right. They weren't ignoring him; they didn't know what to say to him. He was scary and strange and difficult to talk to. They didn't understand.

He should feel better, he thought, recalling how annoyed he had been when they hadn't seemed to care at all. He didn't feel better. He felt frustrated. It was the four of them, talking about him but not to him, and he was off by himself.

"I've never seen you think this hard," a soft voice came from next to him.

"Moony," he whispered, forcing himself to sound calm, though his friend had scared him.

"Sorry," Remus said, and smiled. "I couldn't help myself. I never get to scare you."

"But I scare you."

"Yes." A simple word, too complex for Sirius to wrap his mind around. "You're hurt, Sirius, and you aren't healing."

"Maybe," he conceded softly.

"James –"

"I'm not mad at him," Sirius interrupted. "I don't know what I was doing."

"He knows."

"He does?" Sirius asked incredulously.

"Everyone has secrets, Sirius, not just you. Your secrets are being found out, and it scares you. We all understand that."

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sirius said, looking down. "I know you think that my father – but he doesn't."

"Okay, Sirius," Remus whispered.

They were silent for a moment. Sirius knew Remus would sit with him, silently, for as long as Sirius was there. No pressure.

"I'm ready to go back now," Sirius said finally.

"Okay."

Peter was asleep, but James was still awake. Remus disappeared into the bathroom.

"Prongs?" Sirius whispered, standing by James' bed.

"Yeah?" Sirius sat down next to James.

"I'm sorry," he said slowly.

"It's okay."

"Not really."

"It's okay anyway."

"You're too nice to me," Sirius said miserably.

"No, I'm not!" James whispered fiercely. "You deserve kindness, Sirius."

"Not when I act like a prat."

"Even then."

"Well, thanks."

"Sure."

They were silent. James had something else to say, Sirius could tell by the way he fidgeted, tugging at the bedding.

"Padfoot?"

"Hmm?"

"I found this on your nightstand." Moonlight refracted off the glass, illuminating their faces. "You weren't going to take it with you?"

Sirius hesitantly shook his head.

"Why not?"

"I – I don't know." Because he was mad and feeling sorry for himself and being a git. Because he had convinced himself that James didn't care about him anymore.

"You're my best mate," James said, as if reading his mind. "I have to be able to talk to you, always!"

Sirius forced a laugh.

"But honestly, Padfoot, take it with you." James' tone was bordering on begging.

"Okay."

"And use it."

"Okay."

"If anything happens to you, I want to hear about it."

"Nothing's going to happen." Sirius knew what James was thinking.

"Sirius, you know I can't believe that."

Sirius shrugged.

"Promise me you'll call me if anything happens." James' eyes were wide in the reflected moonlight from the mirror.

"Okay. I promise."

"Thank you." He was relieved.

"Now you promise me something."

"What?"

"Stop worrying so much." Sirius smiled at him, and James grinned back.

"I'll try."

"Good."

"On one condition."

"No conditions, you already promised."

"I said I'll try. I didn't say how hard I would try," James said, and Sirius scowled.

"Fine, what condition?"

"Eat a decent meal over break." Sirius stared at him. "Honestly, I'm starting to think you're a vampire, the way you never eat normal food."

Sirius opened his mouth to argue, but James kept talking.

"I don't want to have to protect myself by carrying around garlic. Lily would never snog me again!"

Sirius laughed abruptly, forgetting his indignity. "If it means so much to your future with your girlfriend, I guess I have to, don't I?"

"Of course. I wouldn't want to have to jinx you for ruining my one and only chance with her."

"Like you could jinx me," Sirius scoffed. "I could win in a duel any day."

"Oh yeah?" James asked, and out of nowhere a pillow smacked Sirius in the face.

"Yeah!" Sirius exclaimed, throwing the pillow back at James.

It was midnight by the time Sirius was drifting into sleep, with fond memories of yet another pillow fight won.


	35. Chapter 35

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Thirty-Five**

Sirius shuffled into his bedroom late the next night, closing the door and leaning against it for a moment, staring into the comforting darkness.

He had been wrong about his mother dealing with him. His father had been ready and waiting when he appeared.

Sighing, Sirius painfully stripped off his T-shirt and glanced at it. Full of holes and spots of blood, it was ruined. He balled it up and pressed it against a cut in his side. He didn't bother to change out of his jeans before falling onto his bed, intent on sleeping the pain away.

"Do you need anything?" a voice asked conversationally from next to him, and Sirius started.

"Bloody hell, Reg! What are you doing in here?" Sirius demanded, feeling his heart thump loudly against his battered ribs.

"Waiting for you," Regulus said softly. Sirius could see his wide eyes reflecting the tiny bit of moonlight that tumbled through the open window. "Does it hurt much?"

"No," Sirius lied.

"Yes, it does," Regulus whispered. "Even if you won't say."

"Don't worry about it," Sirius muttered. "Nothing you can do."

"It keeps getting worse, doesn't it?" Regulus asked breathlessly.

"I don't know. Sometimes it seems like that, but I don't know." Sirius closed his eyes.

"Sirius?" Regulus asked, a hint of fear in his voice.

"What?" Sirius asked, opening his eyes to look at his little brother.

"Nothing," Regulus mumbled.

Sirius closed his eyes again. "You know, Reg…"

"Hmmm?"

"Sometimes I think about just leaving this place, never coming back."

Regulus sat up, alarmed. "But you can't!"

Sirius stared at his brother, wincing as he propped himself up on his elbows. "I can't very well stay, can I?"

"Where would you go?" Regulus demanded.

Sirius frowned, puzzled by Regulus' strange reaction. "To the Potters', probably."

"Mum and Dad would never let you."

"I wasn't really thinking of asking permission."

"Run away?" Sirius nodded slowly. "You can't."

"Reg, I can't keep coming back here to this."

"You turn seventeen at the end of the summer. Then you don't have to anymore."

"I guess," Sirius said glumly.

"You can't leave," Regulus said again.

"No. I can't," Sirius sighed. "But it's nice to dream."

They were silent for a while, the only sounds Regulus' wheezy breathing and Sirius' sharp intake of breath as he moved the T-shirt on the cut.

"You should go to bed, Reg. Wouldn't want them to catch you in here," Sirius said, finally.

Regulus nodded and got up, going to the door. He paused with his hand on the knob.

"Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"Promise me you won't leave?"

"I won't leave, Reg. Not tonight. I promise." It was good enough for Regulus, it seemed, and he left, pulling the door shut behind him.

Once alone, Sirius permitted himself to think more freely about why exactly he couldn't just leave. What was it that kept him here?

Regulus, for one, he supposed. It wouldn't be fair to leave his brother with them. Though he was the perfect son to them…he'd never have to endure what Sirius had…

But there was some part of Regulus that wasn't entirely corrupted by his parents. Sirius was afraid if he left, they would squash it, smash it to pieces the way they had tried to do with Sirus. But with Regulus, they would succeed.

Maybe they had succeeded with Sirius, too. He couldn't tell. Maybe feeling hopeless and afraid, distanced from everyone but too close to yourself, maybe that was what it felt like to have your spirit crushed. Maybe the reason he couldn't leave was that he couldn't really imagine that it would help anymore. His damage was permanent.

He felt weak, and not just physically, though that played a part. It was hard for him to picture himself walking out, pushing past his father and leaving forever.

But perhaps most, he thought, was that he felt weak in a nonphysical way. The fact that all they had to do was send a letter and he was here, no fight necessary. The fact that he no longer argued, just let them say their piece, hit him, and leave. The fact that his carefully constructed walls, the kingdom he had built for himself, was being demolished and the whole world had gathered to see the ruin. The fact that whenever someone reached out a hand to pull him from the wreckage, he refused, pulling away, pulling toward his father's anger and his mother's wrath, willfully giving them a tighter grasp over his life.

That was it, Sirius thought, that was why he couldn't run. Because he wasn't strong enough to pull himself out. He couldn't save himself, and he couldn't let anyone else either.

His life was a series of impasses like that. Couldn't lie to his friends, couldn't tell them the truth. Couldn't help himself, couldn't let anyone else. He couldn't run away, but he couldn't stay.

He was existing in limbo, in the middle, unsure. He couldn't make a change by himself. He was waiting for someone to lose this tug-of-war, to decide his fate. Or to be torn apart.


	36. Chapter 36

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Thirty-Six**

The penultimate night of his time at home for Easter, Sirius did not dream anything. He was aware of being very soundly asleep, but not in a way that allowed him to wake himself up. He was exhausted, mentally and physically. He had barely managed to hobble up the stairs to his room the night before.

_BANG!_ "Sirius Orion Black!" Sirius jumped, nearly strangling himself with the sheets that entombed him. "Get out of that bed this instant!" His mother shrieked.

Sirius tugged at the sheets and toppled out of bed, barely managing to land on his feet.

"What do you think you are doing, staying in bed this late?" Walburga demanded. Sirius shrugged. "I am so sick of your insolence. Come with me, now."

Sirius glanced down at his attire, realizing he hadn't changed out of his clothes the night before.

"Come! NOW!" He hurried after his mother, rubbing the sleep from his eyes as he did so. She led him into the kitchen, turning to face him.

Walburga was tall, even taller than Sirius himself if he didn't stand up perfectly straight. She grew taller when she was angry. Right now, he could barely see her, her face was so far from his own. She was towering. Her deathly pale skin was stark, unforgiving, inhuman. The only colour about her at all was her blood-red lips, which parted to speak. "Sleep until one, will you? You must need something to wake you up. And then, you will work."

"What do you want me to do?" Sirius asked dully. No fight at all.

"First, you will drink this potion," she hissed, pressing a goblet into his hand.

The potion was a nauseating shade of mauve, thick and heavy. Sirius held the goblet, staring at the concoction, desperately trying to think of a way out of swallowing it.

"Drink, Sirius. I'm waiting." He looked up at her, eyes begging her not to make him do this. "Now, Sirius!" Her long, pale fingers tenderly stroked her wand, a maneuver meant to be obvious yet subtle. A threat she could deny if necessary.

Sirius closed his eyes and gulped the potion quickly, wincing as it scalded his throat.

"Good boy," Walburga simpered. "Now, to work."

She ordered him to polish the family silver, dust all the furniture, scrub the kitchen floor. She kept him busy with trivial tasks all afternoon and evening, never even giving him a break to eat. Not that he had wanted to. His stomach had been aching more and more since he had taken the potion his mother had brewed. By ten he was exhausted, feeling weak and weary.

"Mother?" he said softly as he hovered in the doorway of the living room.

"Finished are you? Well, then get to work cleaning the upstairs carpets." Walburga waited only a second before speaking again. "What are you waiting for?"

"Well, it's just…" Sirius mumbled. His mother uncrossed her legs and leaned forward, fixing him with a withering stare.

"What, you ungrateful brat?" she said roughly.

"It's already ten," he said, lamely.

"Oh, I see, and you think you should be able to go to bed now, is that it?" Walburga's eyebrows rose almost to her dark hairline. "You think that you are above this work?" Her tone clearly implied her opposite opinion.

Anger like he had never felt before flared up inside him like a fire in his stomach, flames fingering up to whisper the words in his throat. "Yeah, I am."

She was up then, crossing the room, growing taller with her anger. He met her eye to eye.

"Insolent boy," she breathed, and slapped him across the face, hard. "You will not talk back to me!" Another slap. He was looking up at her through a frayed curtain of black hair.

He choked as his robes tightened around his neck, as he was jerked backwards, landing gracelessly in a heap on the floor. His eyes snapped open to find Orion glaring down at him.

"Get up, boy!" Orion barked, kicking Sirius sharply in the ribs. Sirius groaned, but pulled himself to his feet.

"You are worthless." Orion hit him, hard, across the face. Sirius stumbled back but caught himself.

"You are a disgrace." Another punch, but Sirius wouldn't let himself fall. "You are a failure. You are a black spot on this family's reputation."

"Things are going to have to change," Walburga said softly, brandishing her wand again.

"I won't – " Sirius began.

"_Crucio!_" his mother cut him off. Red streaked his vision, dark spots popping up, everything changing in slow motion as he finally fell. He clenched his fists, gritted his teeth against the pain.

"Rule number one," Walburga said calmly. "You will speak only when given permission."

He was dizzy, the world wobbled at the edges, threatening to disappear from under him, to leave him floating in this unbearable pain forever.

"Rule number two. You will do everything we ask of you, no matter what it is."

He closed his eyes tight trying to block it out, but it made his stomach hurt more, liquid boiling, sloshing, an entire hurricane inside him.

"Rule number three. You will be top in your class in every subject."

The world went black, the family name taking over, cloaking him in it, strangling him. He couldn't see, though he knew his eyes were open. His chest ached, he wasn't breathing. He didn't know how to make his body take in air. He didn't hear any more rules. His eyes didn't take in light, his lungs didn't take in air, and his ears didn't take in sound.

Awareness came slowly, fading in with soft light and a lot of shadow, very gently, as though he was a very delicate child.

"Get up!" Orion bellowed. The words washed over him in slow motion, and he tried to move. Nothing happened.

Twin iron vices clamped down on his arms slowly, dragging him up from the darkness, and he was on his feet. One vice grip dropped and he started to fall.

It was torturous, falling in slow motion, with infinite time to think if he would feel the impact or not.

He felt it, Orion's fist slamming into his stomach, folding him in half, letting him fall to the ground, crumpled.

Sirius breathed hard, ragged gasps tearing through an otherwise deafening silence.

"You are weak, Sirius," Walburga said venomously. "Pathetic."

Sirius pushed himself up to his hands and knees. Preparing to stand. Orion kicked him sharply and he rolled over onto his back, clutching his side.

"Damn you," he gasped. Walburga flicked her wand and pain took over again, but a different kind, not as intense. It was a dull ache, deep in his bones, but rapidly becoming more painful.

Nevertheless, he pulled himself to his feet, standing shakily before his parents, breathing hard, angry that his parents were not even out of breath.

"Have you learned yet?" Walburga asked primly. "Are you going to obey now, or should we continue with your lesson?"

Sirius opened his mouth to speak when he caught sight of Regulus, standing at the top of the stairs. His brother's eyes were wide and fearful, skin perfectly white under his dark hair. Regulus hated it when they hit him and Sirius had promised not to provoke them. But on the other hand, what did Sirius really owe to his brother? Regulus had never stood up for him.

But was it really worth it to anger his parents now? He was already hurt, his mother's potion was making him ill, the curse was becoming too painful to bear, he was almost too dizzy to remain standing.

"Well?" Walburga demanded impatiently.

"Do not ignore your mother!" Orion roared, with a punch that sent Sirius to the ground again.

Sirius pulled himself up to his knees, staring up at them, blinking hard.

"Have you learned your lesson?" Walburga repeated.

Sirius looked down at the floor. "Yes."

"What did you say?" She was going to make him repeat it. She saw that he was broken, and she would relish it.

"Yes," he said, a little louder.

"Yes, what?" Walburga sneered.

"Yes, ma'am." He hung his head.

"Very well. The carpets. Now."

Sirius hauled himself to his feet, his body protesting. He moved toward the stairs. Orion shoved him as he passed, and he pitched forward, the banister catching him across the chest.

"Stupid boy," Orion muttered.

Sirius didn't look at Regulus as he passed, but kept his eyes trained on the floor.

"Sirius?" Regulus whispered. Sirius didn't speak, just pushed past him. "Sirius, please…"

Sirius started with the carpets upstairs, working his way down. It was a long, laborious job, taking him into early morning by the time he finished.

"Tired?" his mother taunted as he leaned heavily on the banister. "Too bad. There's more for you to do."


	37. Chapter 37

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Thirty-Seven**

Sirius stood before his parents in the living room the next afternoon. He had worked all through the night, and all this day.

"You've done well today, Sirius," Walburga said, but it wasn't a compliment. It was a mockery; she was taunting him with the fact that she broke him.

"Thank you," he whispered anyway. He was so tired, and he was hurting, and he was broken.

"It's about time for you to go back to school," she began. "Be sure to uphold the family name. I won't have you associating with mudbloods or traitors."

"Maybe you need a bit of reminding," Orion suggested, stepping forward, "of exactly what the consequences will be, should you be seen with the wrong people, or your grades slip."

Sirius shook his head quickly, wincing as it pulled at his sore muscles.

"Don't shake your head at me, boy!" Orion yelled, hitting Sirius hard across the face.

"Sorry," Sirius said softly, regaining his balance.

"Remember what we've told you," Walburga said. "Now go back to school."

His parents left him standing in the center of the room. He slowly made his way to the stairs, going up to his room to retrieve his things.

Regulus was sitting on Sirius' bed when he got there.

"Sirius?"

"What do you want, Reg?" Sirius asked, tiredly, as he put some clothes into his backpack.

"They're under a lot of pressure," Regulus said. "The Dark Lord has been asking a lot of them lately. They're afraid the stuff you do will get them into more trouble."

"You're defending them?" Sirius demanded disbelievingly. "Are you mental?"

"Just…you should be careful, Sirius," Regulus said carefully.

"Bloody hell, Reg," Sirius said. He zipped up the bag, and shouldered it gingerly.

"I'm just trying to help you!" Regulus protested.

"I don't need your help. Just leave me alone."

The stairs were silent under his trainers; the house elf heads mounted on the walls stared without comment. The only sound was the roar of the fire, and his own voice managing to choke out "Gryffindor common room."

The common room was fairly empty when he arrived, many students taking full advantage of the warm weather.

Sirius shuffled up the spiral staircase to the dormitory. He was startled to find Remus, Peter, James, and Lily spread out across the room finishing some homework.

"Sirius?" Peter said, surprised. The other turned around to look at him.

"Merlin, Sirius, what did they do to you?" James asked, jumping off his bed and going over to his friend. James put a hand up to sweep Sirius' hair aside to look at the large bruise covering his cheek. Sirius flinched and pulled away from James' touch.

Confused, James put his hand down, then back up to grab the strap of Sirius' backpack. "Here, let me take this."

Sirius silently allowed the bag to be taken, still standing at the door, unsure.

"Come on, Sirius," Remus said. "Sit down." He gestured at his bed. Sirius walked over and sat on the edge of the bed next to Remus.

"Maybe you should go to the hospital wing," Lily said, sitting on his other side.

Sirius shook his head. "I don't want to go."

"What happened?" James asked, kneeling in front of Sirius.

Sirius shook his head again.

"You can tell us," Remus said softly.

"Please, Padfoot. Talk to us," James pleaded.

"My parents –" he broke off. His voice was tired, rough like sandpaper, muffled.

"Your parents did this to you?" Peter asked, clearly bothered.

Sirius nodded. "I shouldn't have argued with them."

"That's no excuse for them to do this!" James said, outraged.

"James, calm down," Remus said. He cast a meaningful glance at Sirius. Sirius realized he was shaking.

"C'mon, Padfoot. You need to go to the hospital wing," James said, concerned.

"No."

"Will you let me try to heal you a bit?" Lily asked kindly. Sirius nodded.

As it turned out, Lily was very good at healing spells, though she didn't have near the experience with them that the Marauders did.

"There. That's better, isn't it?" Lily said, satisfied.

"Thank you," Sirius said.

"Dinner's soon," Peter said.

"I have a stomachache," Sirius said, and it wasn't a lie. It had hurt since his mother gave him that potion. He assumed that was her purpose, to give him a lasting reminder of what would happen if he messed up.

"How long has it been since you've eaten?" Remus asked.

"Why?"

"Eating something might help," he replied.

"I want a shower before we go," Sirius said.

"Sure," Lily said easily.

He turned the water on so hot that it burned his chilled skin, but it felt good on his strained muscles. After his shower, he rubbed his hair dry with a towel, pulled on some jeans and a T-shirt, then went to find his friends in the common room.

He walked with his friends down to the Great Hall, struggling to keep pace. Despite Lily healing all visible wounds, he still ached all over. The Cruciatus curse always did that to him.

The Great Hall was very full; it seemed everyone had returned from home. They had trouble finding five seats together, but eventually managed when James scared two first years into moving, prompting Lily to hit his arm and tell him off.

"It's a lost cause," Remus finally told her, when James showed no interest in her lecture. "I've been trying for years. James does not have a conscience."

James scowled. "I do, too. But honestly, what do I care about some midgets anyway?"

"They aren't midgets, James," Lily sighed. "They're only eleven years old!"

The conversation continued much in the same way as Sirius piled food onto his plate. He was hungry, no, _starving_, despite his stomachache. And Remus had said eating might make him feel better. He took a bite of chicken, then another, and another.

What did it matter anyway? His parents had won, he had surrendered. Nothing he did mattered anymore. It was over.

"Did they starve you too?" James said, staring. "I haven't seen you so hungry in a long time."

"Let him be, James," Remus warned, but it was too late.

_What am I doing?_ Sirius thought, panicked. _I can't eat like this. This is all wrong! _He put his fork down, not eating another bite for the rest of dinner. He was too full anyway.

When they stood up to leave, Sirius felt very ill. Worse than he had before he ate. Nobody noticed. Lily and James bickered, Peter threw in a few comments, and Remus kept score.

Guilt coursed through him, settling mostly in his stomach, making it hurt that much worse. _I shouldn't have done that. I can't believe I did that. I _hate_ myself._

By the third floor, he couldn't take it. "I'll meet you up there. I need to go to the bathroom." And he was rushing down the hall.

The bathroom was empty. His trainers squeaked on the floor, forcing him to think of every step he took towards doing what he knew he shouldn't.

_I feel sick_, he told himself. _This isn't wrong_.

Wind whistled through a loose pane, whispering to him. _I know what you're doing. You're making yourself sick. Weak. Pathetic._

His stomach hurt worse, it was so bad…He pushed into the last stall, dropping to his knees.

He didn't put his fingers down his throat. He didn't have to. His stomach emptied itself painfully, his eyes forced out tears. He was miserable, yet relieved.

_I didn't do anything wrong_.


	38. Chapter 38

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Thirty-Eight**

Remus watched Sirius hurry away from them, then turned to James, Lily, and Peter.

"We'll meet you up there, okay?" James said to Lily, realizing the meaning of Remus' look.

"Actually, I'll see you tomorrow," she said. "I think I'm going to go to bed early tonight."

"Okay," James said. He kissed her quickly, and she started to climb the stairs.

Remus, James, and Peter rushed down the hall after their friend.

The bathroom was well-lit, but the dark stones gave the room a dim appearance. The floor was smooth under their trainers, light from candles skittering across the shiny stones. Dark shadows swallowed up the light around the wooden stalls. One shadow in the end stall moved convulsively, and they approached it carefully.

They found Sirius being violently ill. Remus knelt next to him and put a hand on his friends back, rubbing slow, soothing circles, wincing at the feeling of bones pressing into his hand. He glanced up at James and Peter who stood by the sinks, looking helpless.

After a few minutes, Sirius finally stopped throwing up, though he remained hunched over, gasping.

"Merlin," James whispered, taking a step forward, face white. He was beginning to look sick himself.

"James," Remus said calmly, "could you get a damp towel, please?"

James nodded hastily and turned to do just that, running into Peter, whom he shoved out of the way.

Remus helped Sirius sit back, against the wall. When the damp towel was given to him, Remus tried to hand it to Sirius, but Sirius just stared at him in hazy confusion. Remus gently wiped the sweat from Sirius' face.

"Can you get up?" he asked softly.

Sirius nodded. "Just – just give me a minute." His voice was strained.

When Sirius tried to stand, his trainers slipped on the smooth floor, and would have fallen if James hadn't caught him. James escorted Sirius over to the marble sinks, which he held onto tightly as he rinsed his mouth.

"Think you can make it to the hospital wing?" James asked.

"I don't need the hospital wing," Sirius said. "I'm fine."

"Bloody hell, Sirius," James swore. "Just let us take you to the hospital wing."

"No."

"Please?"

"No. I don't want to." Sirius turned to them, his eyes pleading. "Please, I just want to go to bed."

They gave him what he wanted because it was all they could do. Anything to make him a little less miserable. It took them forever to make it up to their dormitory, taking turns supporting Sirius, who felt too weak to make it on his own. James kept telling Sirius he needed to go see Madam Pomfrey, but Sirius stubbornly resisted.

Remus noted people watching them as they walked through the common room slowly, James clutching Sirius' arm to keep him upright.

"Are you sure you don't want to go to the hospital wing?" James asked as Sirius sat on his bed.

"Yes," Sirius said softly. He lay down on his side, holding his stomach.

"Does it still hurt?" Peter asked. Sirius nodded, closing his eyes tightly.

After about half an hour, Sirius fell into a fitful sleep. Remus, James, and Peter quietly worked on the last remaining bit of homework.

"What do you think is wrong with him?" James whispered, looking worriedly at Sirius' sleeping form.

"I don't know," Remus responded.

"We should have realized he was sick," James said guiltily. "We should have been paying attention."

Remus considered what else they should have noticed. It had probably been really hard for Sirius to admit what his parents had done. But as they had already known that his parents abused him, it wasn't as big of a confession to them as it was to him. They moved on from it quickly, going on with their lives.

"Why do you think he told us his parents hurt him?" Remus asked. James blinked.

"I don't know."

"He wouldn't tell us before because he didn't want us to worry, right? So why pretend it wasn't as bad as it was? Why not go to the hospital wing? Unless there's something he isn't telling us."

"Like what?"

"I don't know."

They went to bed early in preparation for the return to classes the next day. But only Peter got much sleep.

Less than an hour after they had all gone to sleep, Remus and James were awake again, hearing Sirius being ill again in the bathroom. Remus padded across the cold stone floors of the dormitory, into the bathroom. He helped Sirius get cleaned up a bit, helped him back to bed.

"Thanks, Moony," Sirius whispered.

"Please go to the hospital wing, Sirius," Remus begged.

Sirius shook his head. "I'm fine now."

Remus lay back down, trying to go to sleep again, but he felt that he had scarcely closed his eyes when Sirius was up again.

"I'll go," James said as Remus made to get up, getting up himself and following Sirius into the bathroom. Remus appreciated James' understanding. Neither wanted to leave Sirius to face this alone. They needed to help him somehow.

When they returned, James came and sat on the end of Remus' bed, his weight making the bed slope toward him.

"Is there anything we can do for him?" he asked. "Besides the hospital wing, I mean. Something _we_ can do?"

"I don't know."

"I wish there was _something_," James said, looking worriedly in Sirius' direction.

"I do too."

"Everything is going wrong for him this year."

"I think it's been a long time coming."

James nodded sadly.

"You should try to get some sleep. We've got class tomorrow," Remus said.

James looked pained. "I know."

They tried to sleep, but only Peter was successful. Peter could sleep through anything. James and Remus woke up an hour later, the next time Sirius woke up.

"My turn," Remus said to James, going into the bathroom.

When Sirius had stopped throwing up, he remained sitting on the icy floor. He was white as a sheet, sweaty, and shaking.

"C'mon, Sirius. You're sick. You need to go see Madam Pomfrey," Remus said gently.

Sirius shook his head. "I don't want to go."

"Why not?"

Sirius was silent.

"Did your parents have something to do with this?"

Sirius shook his head, eyes downcast.

"You should at least get up off the cold floor," Remus said. "Before you get sicker."

"Just a minute."

"What's wrong?"

"I think I might be sick again."

Remus sat next to Sirius for quite a while, still rubbing his back, wishing he could do more to help. Sirius' long black hair rustled softly as the fabric of his T-shirt shifted under Remus' hand, and Remus realized Sirius was still wearing his clothes from earlier.

"Okay, I think I'm okay now," Sirius whispered, finally. He stood up shakily and stumbled over to the sink to brush his teeth. Remus stood up stiffly, joints aching from prolonged contact with cold stone.

Once Sirius was back in bed, Remus got a glass of water for him, then sat on the edge of his bed.

"Here, drink a bit of this," he said, holding out the glass.

Sirius shook his head. "It'll make it hurt more," he whispered, eyes wide.

"You're going to feel much worse if you get dehydrated," Remus said. "C'mon, just a little bit."

"I don't think it could get worse," Sirius said softly, but he did it anyway. It must hurt pretty bad, Remus thought, for Sirius to say something like that.

He was shivering, Remus noticed, though the bed covers were pulled up to his chin. He went over to the wardrobe in the corner, pulling a blanket out of the top of it. He draped it over Sirius' trembling body, then sat on the edge of the bed again. He pushed Sirius' hair away from his face and felt his forehead.

"What are you doing?" Sirius croaked. Remus felt his heart sink as he realized that Sirius' mother had probably never taken care of him when he was sick. He had probably fended for himself for most of his childhood.

"Checking your temperature. You've got a fever," Remus said, his eyebrows knitting together with concern.

Sirius closed his eyes. "I'll be okay."

Remus sighed. "Go to sleep."

"Remus?" Sirius was staring at him again with feverish eyes.

"Hmm?"

"Thank you for…for this," Sirius said, struggling for words.

"You're welcome. Now go to sleep."

Remus shuffled across the floor, feeling with his feet for anything that might trip him up. He made it safely back to his bed, sinking into the warmth of it, falling asleep almost instantly. Until he was woken up an hour later.

James and Remus were woken up several more times throughout the night. They took turns going to look after their friend. At least, they did until around three, when Remus couldn't go back to sleep. He took care of Sirius after that, trying to let James sleep a bit more.

Sirius managed to stay asleep after his bout of sickness at about four thirty. Remus could tell he would stay asleep for a while this time; Sirius was absolutely still and silent, a great contrast to the fevered tossing and turning of earlier.

Remus watched the sun rise, a haze of orange radiance refracting off the light golden mist that hung in the air about the many towers and turrets of the castle, injecting a damp chill into the air. When the light came in through the window to creep up the edges of the beds and slither about the walls, Remus got out of bed and drew the curtains around Sirius' four poster.

"We should let him sleep in, huh?" James whispered. Remus whirled around.

"I didn't know you were up," he said. He moved to sit on James' bed; James scooted over to make room for him.

"It's after six," James said.

Remus nodded.

"He should stay in bed, right?" James asked.

"Yeah. And someone should probably stay with him," Remus replied. Sirius would probably be fine on his own. But he was alone too much.

"I can do it," James volunteered. "I know you hate to miss class."

"I'll see if I can get the house elves to bring you up something to eat," Remus said, by way of agreeing.

Remus and James showered and got dressed, and by the time they were finished, Peter was awake, and he also got ready.

Remus and Peter left James in the dormitory and went down to go to breakfast, running into Lily in the common room.

"Where are James and Sirius?" Lily asked, frowning slightly.

"Sirius has been sick all night, so James is staying with him," Remus explained. He put up a hand to rub at his eyes, becoming more tired just thinking of the past night.

"Why didn't you take him to the hospital wing?" Lily asked.

"He won't go. He keeps saying he's fine, even though he's been throwing up since right after dinner last night and he's got a fever."

"Well, I'll take a turn staying with him today, okay?" Lily said kindly.

"Thanks." It was a testament to Lily's understanding that she didn't question their motives. She knew why they wouldn't force Sirius to do anything he didn't want to do.

Lily looked over Remus again. "And in the meantime, let's get you some coffee. You look like death warmed over."


	39. Chapter 39

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Thirty-Nine**

James opened eyes blurry with sleep to stare at Sirius' empty bed. He rubbed his eyes and sat up, looking around, uncertain. He heard a sound from the bathroom and realized exactly what was going on.

The restroom was a wreck. All the towels that had previously been hung up were in a heap on the floor, for no apparent reason. There were several still-damp hand towels lying in the sink because no one had thought to keep using the same one. And certainly not least of all, there was Sirius being sick for the umpteenth time.

James sat next to Sirius on the floor once he was finished, waiting. Waiting for what he wasn't exactly sure. For his friend to say something? To do something other than just sit on the floor, shaking like a leaf?

"Aren't you going to get up?" James asked finally, noticing that Sirius had closed his eyes and seemed to be falling asleep sitting up.

Sirius shook his head, not even opening his eyes.

"Why not?"

"I can't," Sirius croaked.

"I'll help you. C'mon. Your bed will be more comfortable than this," James said reasonably.

Sirius shook his head again. "I don't want to move. It…it's worse when I move."

James blinked. He hadn't expected Sirius to say that.

He stood up and left the bathroom, retrieving the extra blanket from Sirius' bed. Sirius looked up at him with confusion.

"How did you know?" he asked, voice rough with exhaustion.

"I just thought, if you're gonna sit on the floor, you at least need to try to keep warm," he said, pulling the blanket around Sirius' shoulders, then sitting next to him again.

"Can I ask you something?" James asked after a couple minutes of silence. He barely waited for Sirius' nod. "Why did you finally tell us about your parents?"

Sirius opened his eyes, but didn't look at James, instead staring at the floor. He was silent for so long, James was sure he wasn't going to answer, when finally, "I gave up," he whispered.

"What?"

"I can't – I can't be what my parents want me to be. I can't hate you or Remus or Lily. I can't –" he broke off.

"You shouldn't have to," James said.

"Our family is just –" he stopped again. He still wouldn't look at James. "They want me to be like them. And I'm not."

"You're better," James said softly, but Sirius shook his head.

"I'm not. I – I can't stand up to them anymore, James. They – they won," Sirius closed his eyes tightly and took in a shuddering breath.

"What happened?" James asked, breathless. Sirius was sick, he was vulnerable, and he was finally admitting to the things he never thought he would say.

"Mum cursed me. Dad hit me. Regulus watched it all. I couldn't…I didn't want him to see – he's my little brother, James." Sirius looked up at him, eyes welling with the desperate need to be understood. "He isn't like them. He's – he just – I thought maybe – maybe – I just – I couldn't let him see me lose. They knew they had beaten me," Sirius whispered, looking back at the floor.

"It isn't like they say, James," Sirius said, voice strained, full of unshed tears. "Good doesn't always win. Or maybe I'm not good. I'm weak, and I let them win.

"When you asked…I – I couldn't keep lying to you. I was…too broken." Sirius' shoulders shook, his breaths coming faster, sharper.

James slipped his left arm around his friend's shoulders, his right arm reaching around to pull Sirius close to his side. Sirius let his head fall against James' shoulder. He wouldn't cry, James was sure, though he knew James wouldn't judge his tears. Sirius wouldn't cry because he couldn't, because he had forgotten how, or maybe because he had never known.

"You're never going back there," James whispered. "They're never going to hurt you again. I promise." He rubbed Sirius' back, feeling bones that were a too prominent. He worried over it, and over the heat emanating from his friend, the obvious fever, over the fact that Sirius was miserable enough to finally let all of this out.

"Everything – Everything is wrong. It's all falling apart," Sirius said, his voice choked.

"Shh," James hushed, feeling a lump rise in his own throat. He continued to hold Sirius, to try to absorb some of his hurt, to show him that he wasn't all alone, to try to comfort him, wondering how it all had come to this.

After almost thirty minutes, Sirius finally began to relax, muscles loosening, more of his weight leaning against James. He was falling asleep, James realized, from sickness or exhaustion from his breakdown, he wasn't sure, but Sirius was slipping into slumber on the cold, hard floor of the bathroom.

"It's going to be okay," James said softly, just before Sirius dozed off. "Everything is going to be okay."

* * *

"What am I going to do?" James paced back and forth, raking his hands through his hair.

"James, honey, calm down," Lily said from where she sat on James' bed.

"I promised him, Lily! I have to think of something!" James exclaimed, waving his arms.

"No…" Sirius mumbled, turning his head and tugging at the sheets. James and Lily froze, looking over at him. He didn't wake.

Lily got up and went over to Sirius, gently smoothing his hair from his face so she could check his fever.

"Couldn't he just stay with you this summer?" Lily asked.

"His parents won't let him do that," James said tiredly.

"How could they stop him if he just leaves?" Lily asked.

"How? Like this!" James gestured loosely at Sirius.

"James," Lily said. She walked over to him, wrapping her arms around him, feeling his tensed muscles. She felt his arms come around her, his chin resting on her shoulder. "He's going to be okay. We'll figure something out," she whispered.

He breathed deeply. "I'm scared, Lils."

"I know, baby. I know." She held him closer. "But it's going to be okay."

"I'm sorry, Reg…" Sirius murmured, turning over.

Lily and James broke apart, looking over at their friend.

"Bloody hell…" James sighed.

"How is he?" Remus asked as he and Peter returned from dinner.

"The same," Lily said. She had come in after class to find Sirius asleep on the floor of the bathroom, James sitting with him, forlorn. Sirius had woken up about half an hour before dinner. After another bout of illness, he had moved back to his bed, and was out like a light.

"We brought food for you," Peter said, handing over a couple plates.

They ate quickly and quietly. Then, for lack of anything better to do, they began homework. The four of them spread out their things on the floor, sitting in a circle around their open textbooks.

"I can't believe how much homework we got tonight," Peter moaned.

"It's not so bad," Lily said. "Here, look, see in this book there's a lot of detail you can use in your essay…"

They had worked on a Transfiguration essay together for almost an hour when Sirius woke up again. He ran into the bathroom, the door slamming shut behind him.

Lily got up off the floor and went over to the door. "Sirius?" she called, knocking on the smooth wood. "Sirius?"

She hesitated, unsure. Should she go in? Would he want her to? She could hear him through the door.

Lily glanced back at the others, their worried gazes pushing her to open the door.

Sirius was leaning against the wall, breathing hard, clutching his stomach. His face was colourless, even his lips white. His eyes were closed and his thick, dark lashes arced across his cheeks.

Lily sat next to him, wiping his face with a towel.

"Sirius," she said softly. "It's time to go to the hospital wing. You're really ill."

He made no response; remaining absolutely still, save for his uneven breathing.

"Will you go?" she asked gently. "Please?"

He shook his head. "I…can't." His voice was almost ragged, throat obviously sore.

She sighed. "You are so stubborn. Come on. Let's get you back in bed."

Sirius opened his eyes, pushed himself up against the wall until he was upright. He closed his eyes tightly again.

"Sirius? You okay?" Lily asked, touching his shoulder.

He nodded shortly, before taking a step forward. His knees buckled, he was falling forward. Lily grabbed at his shoulder, fingers barely closing on the sleeve of his T-shirt; she couldn't keep him from falling.

"James!" she yelled as she dropped to her knees next to Sirius' limp body, carefully rolling him onto his back. "Sirius? Sirius, wake up. Wake up!" She tugged at his shirt, shook his shoulder.

"Bloody hell!" James yelped, kneeling next to Lily. "Wake up, mate. Damn it, Sirius!"

"He just collapsed! He won't wake up!"

James didn't hesitate. He pulled Sirius into his arms and stood. "C'mon. We're going to the hospital wing."

"But he doesn't want to go," Peter said weakly from the doorway.

"Are you mental?" James demanded. "Look at him!"

"James is right," Remus said.

The walk to the hospital wing felt infinitely long to Lily. She was well-aware that they couldn't go any faster, not with James carrying Sirius. The floors squeaked softly under their shoes, tiny, fearful sounds.

The doors to the hospital wing smacked into the walls as they burst through, the metal handles grating against stone.

James gently set Sirius on a bed, as Madam Pomfrey bustled through the ward.

Lily and Remus quickly filled her in.

"I will tend to him," Madam Pomfrey promised. "You may go back to your common room."

"I'm not leaving," James spoke up from his seat beside Sirius' bed.

"You most certainly are," Madam Pomfrey said, frowning at him as she took Sirius' pulse.

"No, I'm not. Sirius is my best mate, and I'm not leaving here until I know that he's okay." James sat back in his chair, crossing his arms obstinately.

There was a long pause as the nurse glared at James, as he stared determinedly back at her.

Finally she spoke. "Very well. You may stay until I know what is wrong, but then you will go back to your dormitory. Understood?"

James nodded gratefully, turning his attention back to Sirius.

"The rest of you return to your common room. Now. Go on," she ordered.

Lily, Remus, and Peter slipped out of the hospital wing in a much quieter fashion than their entrance. The hallways were very dark, only the faint light from Remus and Lily's wands illuminating the well-worn carpets. Not even a hint of moonlight swam through the window panes to lift the darkness.

People looked at them curiously as they reentered the common room and Lily suddenly realized that they had seen them leave earlier. She met Remus' eyes, understanding that he also knew.

They wouldn't say anything. There would be rumors, as there always were, but no one involved would ever say anything. Sirius wouldn't want them to put his life on display for everyone to see. He was such a private person, Lily thought. He didn't even share everything with his friends.

Lily left Remus and Peter in the common room, climbing the spiral staircase and going into her dormitory, which was empty and dark. She crossed the room, going to the window.

The sky was black, black like dreamless sleep, empty in its darkness, and full of something missing. It tore at her eyes, pulling her in as it stretched away from her, infinitely huge as it wrapped itself around her tightly. Warm like a blanket as it smothered her, cold like depression with its lack of life.

She thought of Sirius lying so very still on the floor, looking for all the world like he was dead, never to be woken again.

She thought of James, sitting in the hospital wing, his strong jaw set, brows gathered low over eyes that, on a good day were almost gold, but on a day like today, were practically black.

She thought of how she should have seen this coming, how she should have told James, or someone, what Sirius had told her. How maybe she could have prevented this.

A lone tear dampened her eyelashes, gathering on her cheekbone. She reached up with two fingers brushing the dampness. Light bounced off the water on her fingertips and she looked up, out the window again.

The moon was rising, small and pale tonight, just barely projecting its light.

It was funny, the simple pleasures like watching the moon. Funny how little things like this, common to every human, are what she went back to when things weren't right.

She had never dreamed that she would be a witch, that she could do all the things she now did without thought. But when she had found out she was a witch, the world had seemed full of possibility. She was invincible, and she could do anything.

Now she was going back to simple pleasures she had had back then, little things like staring at the moon, because, for all the magic she could do, this problem was too big for her to solve.


	40. Chapter 40

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Forty**

He was weighed down and he was weightless. There was an ache deep in every muscle of his body, deep inside his very soul, all-consuming. But as it felt too close, it also felt distant. He was drifting, into pain, and back away from it. Into consciousness, and back out again. He felt chilled, he was shivering; he felt too hot, he was feverish. He was sweating. His throat was dry. His head pounded when he closed his eyes; the darkness made it bearable.

Sirius thought hard, forcing his eyes open. Blurry, shapes bowing across his vision. It made him dizzy, made his head throb and his stomach convulse. He rubbed his eyes. No, he imagined that, because it was still fuzzy, his head still hurt, and his stomach was still killing him. He closed his eyes again. He opened them.

James Potter was peering at him, the details of his face too much for Sirius' tired eyes. He let his friend slide out of focus.

He opened his mouth; he needed to ask something, he didn't know what. The cool air felt good in his lungs, horrible on his throat.

"Hhhhhhh," he managed.

"Shh." James voice hushed him. "Don't try to talk." James was quiet, his voice feathery on the edges. Sirius' ears did not hurt.

"I'd give you some water, but I don't think you can sit up to drink it." Sirius privately agreed. Lack of water really wasn't bothering him too much.

"You're in the hospital wing. You collapsed. You've been here for almost two days now." He let that wash over him. Time was not a solid construct.

"You're really sick, Sirius." Yes, yes, that seemed right. Sirius distantly hoped that issue could be resolved soon.

"Madam Pomfrey said you were poisoned." James' voice cracked on that last word. Sirius thought maybe his hearing had stopped for a second.

"She said you were dehydrated. You still have bad fever. She said we should have brought you sooner." His voice was crackly like the radio, uneven and distant.

"You probably feel pretty bad right now, but you're going to get better soon." A cool hand weighted down his arm.

"You'll get better faster if you sleep. Do you think you can do that?"

"Hhhhhh." A damp cloth touched his face. Merlin, it felt so good.

"Shh. Just go back to sleep. You'll be okay." Sirius believed him. His eyes fell closed. James' voice kept going indistinctly, but it was soothing.

Before too long, he was drifting again.

* * *

Lily saw James return from staying with Sirius. She saw him, exhausted, hauling himself up the stairs to the boy's dormitory. She pictured him sound asleep, and told herself this wasn't the right time.

She saw James in the common room in the afternoon, hastily scribbling an essay, chewing the end of his quill. She told herself it wasn't the right time.

She saw him at lunch, quiet and worried, eyebrows gathered low over dark eyes. She told herself again that it wasn't the right time.

It took her a full day after James' return to work herself up to telling him. To admitting what she had known.

He was trying to catch up on homework, and really, it wasn't the right time, but she was going to do it. She had to. It felt too wrong not to.

"James?"

"Hmm?"

"Can I talk to you for a minute? Alone?" She gestured loosely toward the portrait hole.

Looking unattractively bewildered, James got up and followed her from the common room, down the hall, and into an empty classroom. Lily shut the door and turned to face him.

And the words died on her lips. She took a breath, and the words didn't come out. She frowned and tried again. Nothing.

"Er, what's up?" James asked awkwardly, shoving his hands in his pockets and swaying back and forth.

"I - have to tell you something," Lily said quickly, softly.

"What?" James asked, a look of pure dread crossing his face.

"I knew about Sirius' parents," she whispered, looking down at the floor. She waited for the explosion.

"What?" James asked, sounding still anxious, not angry. "I can't hear you."

Lily repeated herself.

"Still can't," James said. "Speak up."

Lily took three quick steps forward, wrapping her arms tightly around James, pressing her face into his chest. His arms circled around her a little uncertainly. "What happened?" he asked, voice rumbling against her skin.

She looked up at him, eyes blurred with tears. "I knew about Sirius' parents."

"You what?" James demanded, wrenching himself from her embrace. "You – you _knew?_"

"I – he told me – I promised I wouldn't tell –"

"When?" James demanded, voice low and dangerous.

"Wh-what?" she faltered.

"When did he tell you?" James spat.

"After Christmas break," Lily whispered, hanging her head.

"And you let him go back there anyway?" James almost shouted, and Lily cringed. He blamed her, he thought it was her fault, and he would hate her.

"James, I –" She took a step forward, resting her hand on his forearm, desperately meeting his eyes through a haze of tears. "I didn't know what else to do."

James took another step back, pulling away from her. "Didn't know? You should have bloody told someone! You should have told me!"

"Please, James, I didn't mean for this to happen –"

"No! No," James cut her off. "Just stop. You shouldn't have let it happen!"

Lily recoiled as though he had slapped her. Her breath came in a sharp gasp that ached in her lungs and she was crying openly, guilty tears streaming down her face. "I'm sorry, James! I should have told you, I was just afraid –"

"I can't talk about this," James said, pushing past her to wrench open the classroom door.

"Wait, please," Lily begged. "Please, let me explain…"

The only answer was the door slamming shut.

She dropped into a chair, elbows on her knees, head in her hands, feeling sticky tears on her face. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

She should have told him, long before now, and she had known it, known for sure. It was her fault, only hers. She could have told someone, kept Sirius from going home, and he would have been safe.

But then Sirius would never have trusted her again! He had asked her not to tell, pleaded with her to keep his secret. How could she betray that?

James wouldn't even let her explain! She scowled at the floor, seeing him pushing past her. She had a reason, if not the best one. Why couldn't he just listen for once?

_Because his best friend is in the hospital_, she realized suddenly, her tears ceasing momentarily with the revelation. James was under so much pressure, and she had just added much more for him to deal with. Why hadn't Sirius told James? Was there a way that James could have stopped Sirius from going home?

She shouldn't have brought it up. It wasn't the right time.

A new thought struck her, and her crying restarted in earnest. Would James still want to be with her now?

Her whole body shook with the force of her sobs, her breath came in wheezes and gasps. Her eyes squeezed out tears, though they ached miserably.

What if he didn't want her anymore? What if she had messed this up too?

Lily couldn't live without him. She needed him. She loved him. And she couldn't just let him walk away.

* * *

Poppy Pomfrey liked to think of herself as an observant person. She liked to think she knew more than what her patients told her. She liked to know about the people themselves, not just their illness.

This knowledge was not difficult to obtain in the cases of Sirius Black and James Potter. If she didn't know better, she would say they were accident-prone. However, as well as she knew them, the adjective she assigned was 'reckless.'

The pair of them were constantly endangering themselves, despite their obvious intelligence. It just went to show, intelligence and common sense were two very different things.

But no matter how it came about, the fact of the matter was Sirius and James frequented the hospital wing, something that gave Poppy Pomfrey a great deal of time to observe them.

She thought she knew the two of them very well. Which was why it had surprised her when James had carried Sirius into the hospital wing that night.

She was more surprised than she should have been when James had demanded to stay. The two were like brothers. Well, perhaps not. Poppy had seen Sirius with his younger brother, Regulus, and the relationship was not abounding with care and love, to say the least.

She was more surprised at how James acted as though he was responsible for Sirius' illness. He hovered about his friend's bed, waiting. James was helpful when he was needed, and so quiet otherwise that she often forgot he was there.

It was unexpected that Sirius had been so reluctant to come to the hospital wing. The fact that he had been so ill for a full day before he had collapsed was bordering on remarkable. Certainly his body seemed not to be strong enough to handle such sickness.

That was, perhaps, the most bothersome thing, she thought. Sirius was absolutely tiny, only skin and bones. He was thinner even than the last time she had seen him, when he weighed only one hundred and two pounds. And she was sure he lost more weight in the three days of unconsciousness before he awoke to talk to her.

When he did wake up, he was groggy, a little disoriented. He blinked at her, his dark eyes transitioning quickly between confused and upset.

"Wha –?" he croaked. His eyes searched her face.

She helped him sit up, handing him a glass of water. He didn't drink it, only stared at it dubiously.

"It's all right, Sirius. You're better now," she said. He nodded and sipped a little. "Do you remember what James told you?"

He nodded slowly, then drank a little more water. "Yeah." His voice was a little less strained.

"You know that you were poisoned," she said carefully. He nodded again. "The poison took a lot of effect because of your weakened immune system."

He looked at her questioningly, eyebrows dropping low over his eyes as he frowned. "What?"

"You've lost more weight, haven't you, Sirius?" she asked. She tried hard not to sound accusatory, but his eyes became guarded. He shrugged.

"Maybe when I was sick," he said defensively.

"I think maybe before that, too," Poppy said, gauging his reaction. "I think you've been losing weight all this year. And now you are dangerously thin."

Sirius shook his head and looked away. "No, I'm not."

"You'll have to be weighed again," she said. "But we'll talk about that later."

Sirius sipped his water and looked straight ahead.

"Sirius, do you have any idea who poisoned you?"

He shook his head quickly. Too quickly, she thought.

"None at all?" she asked, incredulous.

He shook his head again, refusing to look at her.

"Sirius –?" Poppy put a hand on his shoulder. To her astonishment, he flinched and moved away from her. "Are you all right?"

He nodded, still stonily silent.

An idea had been forming in her mind since Sirius' visit after Christmas break. It started out as a vague notion, bolstered by an overheard conversation between Sirius and James. But the notion rapidly grew into an idea of its own.

"Have your parents ever hurt you?"

"No," he said, again almost too quickly.

"Not at all?"

He crossed his arms. "No. They haven't."

"Are you sure, Sirius? Because if they have, we can do something to stop it. You can tell us."

"My parents haven't done anything to me," Sirius said, fixing her with a hard-edged glare.

"All right. If you're sure," she said, not at all convinced. Nevertheless, she decided it was high time to end the discussion. She gave him a healing potion which left him quite drowsy, and went to attend to a first year in need of a Pepper Up Potion.

Once Sirius was asleep and the first year was gone, Poppy used the Floo Network to call Professor Dawlish, who she knew was quite talented with healing, and who happened to have a free period at this time. He agreed to watch the hospital wing, which allowed her to leave for the hour.

The hallways were empty and mostly silent, save for the sounds of a rambunctious group of third years practicing cheering charms.

"Fizzing Whizbee," she said clearly to the two stone gargoyles. The statues nodded their approval and sprang out of the way to reveal a large spiral staircase.

She sharply knocked on the thick wooden door, which immediately swung open.

"Ah, Poppy," Albus Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling with delight. "Would you like some chocolate?" He indicated the slab of Honeydukes chocolate on his desk.

"No, thank you," she replied. She sat down in the large, comfortable chair across from his desk.

"You don't mind if I do–?" he asked.

"No, by all means."

"If I may ask, to what do I owe this pleasure?" He sat back in his chair, as though physically giving her the floor to speak.

"I need to discuss with you the case of Sirius Black," she began.

Dumbledore's expression became, at once, one of a more serious nature. "Yes?"

"He has visited the hospital wing often this year – more often than usual." He nodded, a small smile playing across his face. He knew about Sirius and James. "The first time was just after returning from home after Christmas. He was covered in bruises; he had to stay in bed for days to recover."

Dumbledore frowned, but motioned for her to continue.

"Not long after, he collapsed in class, and I realized his weight had dropped significantly. And now, just after being at home again, he has come in having been poisoned."

"You have a theory about this, no doubt," he stated, inviting her to share it.

"I believe he might be abused," she said, meeting Dumbledore's eyes, which no longer sparkled, but were very grave indeed. "The bruises, scars, poisoning, not to mention his severe weight loss, withdrawal, possible depression, they all indicate abuse. All the symptoms are there. For heaven's sake, he's afraid to be touched, Albus."

Dumbledore surveyed her for a moment. "Have you discussed this with Sirius?"

She nodded. "He insists that it isn't the case, but –" she broke off, unsure of how to explain.

"You felt he was not being entirely truthful," Dumbledore finished. "From what you've told me, it certainly seems that you may be correct. However, there is little we can do unless Sirius will admit to the abuse."

"Couldn't you report it, Albus?" Poppy asked, though she knew the rules as well as he.

"Not without his consent." Dumbledore stood up, moving around his desk. Poppy Pomfrey stood as well. "We should keep an eye on the situation," Dumbledore began, "but right now, that's all we may do."

"Could you talk to him, Albus?" Poppy asked.

"I believe that would be prudent."

Dumbledore swept from the office, his blue cloak rippling like water, leaving Poppy Pomfrey to follow in his wake.


	41. Chapter 41

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Forty-One**

If Sirius talked any more, his vocal chords were going to break. He would never be able to talk again. Currently he really didn't care about that, but he thought he might possibly, in the future.

He had had one of the most horrifying conversations of his life with none other than the headmaster of Hogwarts. Sirius had spent most of the conversation denying with more energy than he cared to exert, bordering on desperation. By the time Madam Pomfrey had noticed that he was becoming too upset, despite Dumbledore's calm demeanor, and told him to rest, he still hadn't convinced Dumbledore that his parents didn't abuse him. He hadn't really expected to convince Dumbledore. The man was too smart.

Sirius had taken a short nap, but when he woke up, he had another tiring argument, this time with Madam Pomfrey, who insisted he get on a scale. After seeing his weight, she informed him that he would need to take weight gain potions for the rest of his stay in the hospital wing, and would need to continue gaining weight once he had left.

He had been completely silent for a while now. He wasn't tired, but he didn't feel like talking. Madam Pomfrey had made a _tsk_ noise at him when he started ignoring her questions, as though he was proving her theory. He wanted to tell her that she was wrong, that sometimes he just didn't feel like talking. But he didn't want her to know that badly enough to break his silence.

Eventually she had given up and left him alone, though not before informing him he would need to stay at least another three days, meaning he would have stayed a full week. He was a little anxious about that, it was five days of class he would miss, plus the day he had missed before his friends took him to the hospital wing. It would be so difficult to catch up. But he couldn't keep his focus on that right now.

_Six stone eleven pounds_, Sirius thought, as he lay curled up in a ball on his bed. _Six stone eleven pounds. _It didn't seem real. It meant, he realized suddenly, that he weighed more than three stone less than James. And yet James still looked thinner. How could that be?

He was shorter, he supposed. Though not that much. Obviously it was not right. But how could it not be?

"Hey," a familiar voice said softly.

Sirius opened his eyes, extracted himself from his thoughts to stare at Remus, who had taken a seat next to Sirius' bed.

"You okay?" he asked, frowning a little. Sirius nodded, sitting up a bit. "Why aren't you saying anything?"

Sirius shrugged. He didn't want to offend, but he still didn't feel like talking.

"I know you're mad at us for bringing you here, but we had to. We thought –"

His heart dropped into his stomach, and his stomach clenched, and Sirius was pretty sure his heart was not beating anymore. That was what they thought?

"I – Moony, I'm not mad," he whispered hoarsely.

"You're not?"

Sirius shook his head. "No."

"Good," Remus said, smiling a little. "James asked me to say hello for him."

"Why hasn't he been here?" Sirius asked. He hadn't seen James since that first time he had woken up, two whole days ago.

"He's been trying to catch up on homework from all the classes he missed," Remus explained. "He wants to be here, but he's got a lot to do."

"Classes he missed?" Sirius repeated.

"You didn't know? When we brought you in here, he told Madam Pomfrey he wasn't going to leave. He stayed here for two days before you woke up. He slept here, even."

"I…didn't know," Sirius whispered, feeling strangely guilty. "I'm sorry."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "What for? You didn't do anything wrong."

Sirius shook his head. He couldn't explain.

"Listen, Madam Pomfrey told me she's giving you weight gain potions," Remus said, changing the subject. "She said you only weigh six stone eleven pounds."

"She shouldn't have told you that," Sirius said, suddenly feeling very angry.

"She thought maybe I could help you," Remus said gently.

"I don't need help," Sirius snapped.

Remus sat back, surprised, a little hurt. "Sorry," he mumbled, looking away. He got up and turned to leave.

"Remus, wait," Sirius pleaded. Remus stopped, looking over his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean – I just – Don't go. I'm sorry."

Remus returned to his chair. "Okay."

Sirius didn't know what to say then, so he was quiet. Remus looked at him thoughtfully.

"You really can't see it, can you?" Remus asked finally. "You're so thin, Sirius. You look like you're going to break at any second."

"I'm fine," Sirius murmured, looking away. Remus didn't say anything, merely shifted in his chair. "Dumbledore came to see me," he said.

"What for?"

"He and Pomfrey think my parents hurt me," Sirius said, looking down.

"You didn't tell them, did you?" Remus guessed.

"No. I can't, Remus. I can't tell anyone."

"You told us," Remus pointed out. "Unless you tell Dumbledore, then they can't do anything. Wizarding law protects pureblood families from accusations like that, unless you do confess to it."

"But…what would happen if I told Dumbledore?" Sirius asked. "It would be this big thing, and it wouldn't help. Even if they could make my parents leave me alone, what about all my cousins? They could do anything they wanted to me, any time when we're at school."

"I – I don't know," Remus said. Sirius could tell Remus had never thought of that.

"They can't help," Sirius said. "Telling them would just make it worse."

Remus frowned but didn't speak.

"I've just got to wait until the end of summer," Sirius said.

Remus nodded. "Do you think you can make it until then?"

"What do you mean?"

"You haven't had the best year, in the way of health."

"And you think that's connected?" Sirius asked, his tone warning Remus away from this topic.

"Self-destructive behaviors, depression, and anorexia are all common symptoms of abuse," Remus said, sounding like a text book.

"I am _not_ anorexic or depressed!" Sirius spat. "And I don't behave self-destructively!"

"You're really underweight but you don't know it. That seems pretty anorexic. And you certainly seem depressed at times. Like when you won't talk. And we won't go into that incident at the party."

"So sometimes I don't feel like talking! I'm not depressed. And that thing at the party was just one time. It was a mistake, and it won't happen again. And I am _not_ anorexic!" Sirius exclaimed.

"I don't want you to be mad, okay?" Remus said.

Sirius scowled. "Whatever."

"Right. I'm going to go now, all right?" Remus sighed. "And here. This is the work you've missed." He dropped Sirius' bag onto the floor.

"Moony?" Sirius said to his friend's back. "Please don't be mad at me. I'm sorry."

"Okay, Sirius. Okay." And then he was gone.

Sirius knew Remus wasn't mad at him. Remus was never mad. He couldn't be because he always understood, always expected what was coming. No, Remus wasn't mad, just disappointed. In Sirius.

Sirius curled back into his ball, shutting his eyes tight. He wanted to pretend that it was all different, that none of this was happening. He would pretend he was just a normal, happy kid, who did well in school and had nice friends. Only he couldn't.

He couldn't pretend that because he had no idea what it would be like to be a normal, happy kid. He had never been one.

Instead of pretending, he thought. He thought about how everything was falling apart. His friends knew his parents hurt him. Dumbledore suspected the same, though he didn't know for sure. He couldn't let anyone else find out, or else everything would somehow, though he wasn't sure how it was even possible, get worse. His friends thought he was depressed and anorexic. They thought he was delicate. He was forced to take weight gain potions. He was missing class and he would never catch up. His parents hated him, and his brother was taking their side.

Sirius felt absolutely alone. His former life had gone, not with a bang, but with a tiny, pathetic whimper, leaving just Sirius, scrambling desperately to hold it all together while the world passed him by.

He was alone. Just Sirius, and the emptiness inside him, that hunger for something better than this.


	42. Chapter 42

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Forty-Two**

The potion was absolutely disgusting. It swirled around the goblet as though trying to make him motion sick. It settled gelatinously in the bottom of the goblet, the way it intended to settle inside him. It stared at him murkily.

"I don't want –" Sirius began, but was quickly cut off.

"You will drink it, whether you like it or not," Madam Pomfrey stated, crossing her arms over her chest, ready to stand there for as long as it took.

"It's gross."

"It will make you healthier."

"It will taste horrible."

"Best drink it quick, then."

There was no getting out of this, he realized. He gripped the goblet tightly in his left hand, feeling the weight of it. He dragged it up high enough to drink.

_No. I can't drink this. I can't do it._ He let the goblet sink down again.

"Sirius, just drink the potion." She was growing impatient. He had to do something.

"Madam Pomfrey!" She turned and Sirius followed her gaze to a tall fourth year who hobbled into the wing, tears streaming down her face. He wanted to jump up and hug that girl for her perfect timing.

Madam Pomfrey turned to Sirius. "I will be back in a moment to see you drink that potion," she said, then bustled off to tend to the younger girl.

Sirius set the goblet on the bedside table, momentarily relieved. Then the relief was replaced with anxiety, desperation.

_I can't drink that. No, no, no. Think of something. I've got to think of something!_ He looked around, searching for ideas.

His wand sat conspicuously next to the goblet. Sirius snatched it, slipping it into his sleeve. If he could point it just so, then maybe he could…

Madam Pomfrey was back, standing over him. "Ready, Sirius?"

He nodded slowly. "I guess."

He picked up the goblet, raising it slowly, thinking hard. He put it to his mouth, tipping it a little, keeping his lips firmly closed.

The best way to perform a vanishing spell is to think about how much you don't want an object to be present. Sirius thought hard about the potion. It was gluey and swampy, and it was mocking him. It was the enemy, trying to defeat him; an enemy with goblin-made weapons. If it made it into his fortress, he would be vanquished. He wanted to obliterate the potion. He wanted to burn it, to make it explode, to banish it to the end of the earth. He very forcefully thought the incantation, picturing only the potion.

It was gone. Sirius carefully held the now-empty goblet steady, pretending to drink.

He lowered the goblet, making a face. "That was…_awful_," he gasped, even as his heart beat out a happy rhythm against his ribs.

Madam Pomfrey took the empty goblet from him. "A step in the right direction, Sirius." She smiled, one of the expressions she rarely gifted to her patients, usually preferring to take a more logical tack to get students to obey her.

Sirius sat back against the pillows of his bed, momentarily satisfied. He nodded at her in mock agreement. She was pleased with this, and she left him to his thoughts.

He realized quickly he didn't have time to rejoice in his avoidance. A stack of parchment and books next to his bed reminded him that he was almost a week behind in his schoolwork already.

Sighing, he pulled his Transfiguration book off the top of the stack, along with the correlating rolls of parchment. He found Remus' notes on the subject and pulled out a clean roll of parchment, copying the notes carefully. Once finished with that, he opened the book to the chapter that covered the topic and took notes on it as well. He then began to outline his essay.

Someone cleared his throat next to him. Sirius jumped, nearly spilling his ink, and looked up.

"What are you doing here?" Sirius snapped at Regulus, who was sitting in the chair beside his bed.

"I heard you were poisoned," Regulus said simply.

Sirius blinked, shocked. As quickly as the shock came, it faded into anger and frustration. "How do people know that?"

Regulus shrugged. "I don't know. They don't know who did it, though, if that makes you feel better."

"And you do?" Sirius asked, raising his eyebrows, daring his brother to say anything.

Regulus looked unsure. "It was mum, wasn't it?" he whispered.

"Yeah, it was. But don't worry about it, it's just fine. It's just that Voldemort is pressuring her to try to kill her son for being a Gryffindor. So long as she's got a good reason," Sirius said sarcastically.

"That wasn't what I meant –"

"No?" Sirius asked. "Then what did you mean?"

"I meant that you should be careful. They're on edge now, and they can make things a lot worse for you," Regulus explained softly, obviously hoping Sirius would believe him.

"Yes, must be careful not to provoke them, right? Make sure not to show any signs of being a decent human being or anything," Sirius spat; furious for reasons he didn't quite understand.

Regulus' face turned red. "Look, I know you're mad at them, but quit taking it out on me! I haven't done anything wrong!"

"Haven't done anything right, though, have you? A Slytherin, friends with guys whose only interest is joining Voldemort, hero-worshipping mum and dad, the perfect son. You're getting to be just like them," Sirius said venomously, hating himself for saying the words, even as they spilled from his mouth.

Regulus clenched his teeth, pursed his lips. "Well, at least I know how to keep my mouth shut to keep the peace. At least I'm not failing out of my classes because I'm too weak to go. At least I'm not stupid enough to starve myself!"

"I do not –" Sirius started.

"Do you think I'm bloody stupid, or do you just think I'm blind? Quit acting so high and mighty, Sirius. You aren't fooling anyone. Not anymore." Regulus almost knocked over his chair as he stood up and stormed out of the hospital wing.

Sirius stared after him, mouth agape, thoroughly astounded at the things his brother had said.

He felt sick, anger settling into his stomach, mixing with guilt, and an overwhelming sadness that filled his chest and threatened to crush his heart.

Sirius hated his brother for the things he had said to him. He wanted to chase after his brother, tackle him, hold his wand in Reg's face, ask him who was weak now. The anger flooded him, thick and dark red like drying blood, a mark of damage already done.

Abruptly, the hot anger was almost drowned in sticky guilt, sharp pangs of it stabbing into him like rusted metal stakes. Regulus was only trying to warn him, only trying to help.

Anger exploded through him again, unable to completely burn though the guilt, but definitely giving it a good try. The things he had said, they weren't right, and they weren't fair, and Regulus should be punished.

Icy desolation swept through him, a wave of it hitting him like a tsunami, nearly knocking him from his bed. It was like liquid, permeating every inch of him, sloshing around, freezing him from the inside out. Despite the fact that Regulus' words were hateful, he was right. It was Sirius' fault, all of it was. If he had just done what he was supposed to, none of this would have happened. If he just kept his grades up, did what they asked of him, he could have prevented all of it.

Sirius shivered, wrapping his arms across his chest, hands tightly clamped under his arms. He rocked back and forth.

"I'm sorry, Reg," he whispered. "You were right, and I'm sorry."

His only answer was the rustling of his sheets as he moved, the empty silence of the air pressing in on him.

_It's too late. You're too late. Better tally it in the mistake column, one more reason you deserve all of this._

* * *

James had taken over the good table in the common room. It was near enough to the fire to be warm enough, close enough to the window to not be too warm. It was slightly secluded, shielded from the obnoxious first years that had no homework or other things to think about. It was not as secluded as the dormitory. And, as of now, it belonged to James.

He had accomplished this first by threatening a group of second years to move. When they hadn't, he had set fire to their homework. They cleared out quickly. The second step in his plan was to spread out a collection of objects, needed or not, across the table and nearby chairs. He was surrounded by books, quills, spare parchment, and, on one chair, frog spawn. He hoped if anyone chose to come near, they would sit in that chair, and had cleverly positioned it to be the first chair one might happen upon, should they choose to disturb him.

James needed time to think. He needed space to stop and breathe. His best friend was in the hospital wing, and, as of yet, he hadn't had the courage to go see him while he was conscious. _Some Gryffindor I am_, he thought darkly.

But really, what could he say to Sirius? What did you say to someone you knew was abused by their parents, and appeared to be self-destructing? He was sure Sirius was even thinner than he had been when he had collapsed in class. When he had carried his friend to the hospital wing, he could feel Sirius' bones. He was too light, much too light.

Yet, knowing this, he hadn't told anyone. Because, wasn't it so much easier to deny it all? He didn't know what to say to Sirius. Making him angry wouldn't help anything, and anything James said was sure to upset him. But he couldn't very well keep ignoring the problem.

James wondered if it was his fault. He had known about Sirius' home life. Sure, maybe Sirius wouldn't admit to it, but he knew. And he hadn't done anything. And then when Lily told him she knew too, he had blamed it on her.

Lily. James irritably tore a piece of parchment in half, then quarters. He had been so stupid to fight with her over that. He tore the parchment into tiny little pieces, until he couldn't tear them anymore. And then he had been a coward and had avoided her for a week. He pulled out his wand and blew them up, one by one.

"James Potter!" James looked up from his project to see none other than Lily, glaring at him.

"What?" he asked petulantly, silently wondering why she was speaking to him now.

"You cannot burn homework!" she screeched. Ah, prefect duty.

"They wouldn't move," he said dismissively. "Hey, sit for a minute."

Her anger faded quickly, her frown only showing confusion. She made to sit in the closest chair.

"Wait!" James said before she sat.

"What?" James reached over to the chair, sheepishly removing the frog spawn. "Sorry."

Lily rolled her eyes, then dropped into the chair.

They sat in utter silence for a moment.

"Listen…" James began awkwardly.

"I'm sorry," Lily said, in a rush. "I should have told you, I just didn't know what to do, and so I put it off. I am so sorry."

Three perfect tears spilled from her eyes. "I'll understand if you…you don't…" her voice broke and her breath hitched.

James reached out, cupped her cheek in his hand. He gently wiped her tears away.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I shouldn't have blamed you. It's okay."

He leaned over, pulled her close to him, hugged her tight.

"I just didn't know what to do," she whispered, her face against his neck, her tears dropping onto the collar of his shirt.

"It's okay. I don't know what to do either," he said. He let her go, since his back had started to ache from leaning over the arm of his chair.

"What do you mean?" Lily asked, wiping her eyes.

"He's so thin, Lils. We can't keep ignoring it. We've got to make him eat."

Lily took James' hand, squeezed it tight. Their eyes locked. "What do you have in mind?"


	43. Chapter 43

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Forty-Three**

The day Sirius was released from the hospital wing was one of those days that prompted the saying "April showers bring May flowers." Sirius stopped his solitary walk through a vacant hallway to glare out the window at the cliché.

Sirius desperately wanted to do something, particularly, to go out and run. Running in the rain was so much better because the raindrops kept him cool. It was refreshing.

To his chagrin though, going outside was strictly prohibited. He was under orders to 'take it easy,' and to 'keep warm and dry' and absolutely 'do not do anything to make yourself sick again.'

_What a joke,_ Sirius thought. He had done nothing but lounge around in bed for a week. And sure, maybe he still felt a little under the weather, but really, it was about time for him to start his life again.

Which reminded him, he was meant to meet his friends for lunch, which was going to begin in less than ten minutes. Already, the solace of his hallway had been ruined; a couple classes had been adjourned.f

Wide eyes tracked him through the halls, whispers hid behind hands as though that was less obvious. Most averted their eyes when his own gaze fell on them, wrenching their glances from his as though he was holding them captive. Funny, he thought, for he was the animal, caged in a zoo.

Some did not look away. A few, just a few, met his eyes. The Slytherins. Their lips twisted into smirks, their eyes seemed to speak to him. _Well, well. Look how the mighty has fallen._

Sirius found himself staring into eyes just a tad bit darker than his own, into a face that had the same features as his own. Regulus. His brother bit his lip, looked down, lashes brushing cheekbones, then he looked back up, jaw set, brows low over steely eyes. He took a miniscule, almost unnoticeable step toward Lucius Malfoy, who stood at the head of a pack of Slytherins. Regulus knew Sirius saw it. He was showing him which side he was on.

Sirius looked down at the rug under his feet, watching his beat up trainers carry him through the hallways. He didn't have to look where he was going. They had all moved to the sides of the hallway, giving him a wide berth.

The Great Hall was loud when he got there, though he noticed it got significantly quieter as he walked in and found his friends. He sat down next to Remus, making himself as small as possible.

"Hey, Sirius," James said a little too brightly. He was nervous, Sirius realized. He hadn't seen James except that first time he woke up. Their last real conversation had been Sirius' breakdown. Sirius resisted the urge to bang his head on the table.

"Hi," he said instead, scowling at a second year over James' shoulder.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" James demanded.

"Huh? Oh, not you. There's this kid staring at me."

James turned around, spotting the kid quickly. James made a small motion with his wand and, quite suddenly, the kid was dangling upside-down.

"Hey!" the second year yelled.

Peter and Remus snickered, and even Lily smiled a little.

"Thank you," Sirius said. "Now could you do that to the rest of the school? 'Cause that'd be great."

"Is that what you're in such a mood about?" Lily asked, raising her eyebrows.

"I am not in a mood," Sirius said. "I am perfectly fine."

"Yes, you're right cheery," James said sarcastically. Sirius glared at him.

"It just so happens that –"

"Let's just eat lunch, shall we?" Remus broke in.

Sirius glanced at him, then looked down. "I'm not hungry."

"Rubbish," James said. "Eat."

"I just said I'm not hungry," Sirius snapped, giving James his most contemptuous look.

"And I just said that's rubbish," James replied. "You're bloody stick-thin and it's about time you start eating something before you wind up in St. Mungo's."

"I'm not thin, James," Sirius said slowly. "And I'm not sick. There's absolutely nothing wrong with me."

"Except that you starve yourself," James said.

"I do not!" Sirius denied.

"When's the last time you ate an actual meal, Sirius?" James asked calmly.

"This morning at breakfast." Lie. He had vanished his food.

James raised his eyebrows. "When was the last time before you were in the hospital wing with someone watching to make sure you ate?"

"I don't need to be _watched_," Sirius exclaimed. "I can take care of myself!"

"Let's talk about this later, okay?" Remus said quietly. Sirius looked around to realize that most of the people sitting around them were staring.

"Fine," Sirius said.

"Okay," James replied.

A few moments passed in silence.

"You're still not eating."

"I'm still not hungry."

"Sirius," Remus said, "why don't you eat a little bit now so we can stop worrying, okay?"

"You don't have any reason to worry about me," Sirius muttered. He didn't put anything on his plate.

"The fact that you weigh less now than you did as a third year is a good reason," James argued.

"You told them?" Sirius almost yelled at Remus.

"No, I –" Remus began.

"You mean it's true?" James asked, eyes wide. "I was exaggerating! I mean, it was just a guess! Merlin, Sirius, you –"

"Leave me alone," Sirius said, getting up and stalking away. He tried to ignore the people staring at him, wishing vehemently for James' invisibility cloak. He wished he was anywhere but here.

Sirius wandered up two three flights of stairs, then turned down a long hallway with no windows. At the end of the hallway was a door, and he pushed through it to a steep set of stairs, which he slowly climbed up. He paused at the top to catch his breath.

_I need to start running again,_ he thought. _This shouldn't be so hard._ Nothing should be so hard, really, as it was for him right now. Everything was just so complicated.

A door to his left opened into a circular room, which housed a couple of squashy sofas, a warm fireplace with a crackling fire, and many bookshelves. It was like a smaller version of the library, except that there were large windows which gave a nice view of the lake.

Sirius flopped onto one of the sofas, pulling his knees up to his chest, and stared out the window.

It didn't take them long. He had tried to make his hiding place difficult to find, but with the Marauder's map, there really was no such thing.

The door moaned as it opened. Sirius didn't even turn to look who it was.

"I don't want to talk."

"Okay." It wasn't the voice he was expecting. Sirius looked over surreptitiously to see Peter closing the door behind him.

Surprising, he thought, that they would send Peter. Any of the others would be more likely to get something out of him. James would demand answers until Sirius cracked. Lily would listen patiently as he spilled his guts. Remus would be silent, nod in the right places, and offer the perfect solution that he didn't think existed. Any of them would have been expected. Peter was not.

"Can I sit here?" Peter asked, indicating the sofa next to Sirius.

"By all means." Sirius still didn't look at them.

"I like this room," Peter said. "It's very peaceful."

Sirius was silent.

"I like that the fireplace is always going when you get here, like someone knew you needed it. I like the way the books smell. The view is nice, too."

Sirius nodded a little. He knew all of that.

"And I really like that it's round," Peter said. Sirius glanced at him, one eyebrow raised. What an odd thing to like.

"Why?"

"There's no way to get cornered," Peter said simply. Sirius blinked.

"Do you worry about that much?" he asked.

"Not as much anymore. People leave me alone now. But it was harder back in first year, before you and James knew how to jinx anyone who gave me a hard time."

Sirius nodded. "It's funny, for a long time, it was hard to remember what it was like not to be able to wave my wand and get what I wanted."

"I've never been able to do that. I've always been kind of jealous of you and James and Remus. It seems like everything comes so easily to you."

"I know how you feel. My, uh – my spells haven't been working sometimes," Sirius mumbled.

"Why, do you think?" Peter asked, sounding genuinely curious.

"I'm just so...tired. All the time. Nothing's as easy as it used to be."

"I know you don't want to hear this," Peter said hesitantly, "but maybe you're tired because you haven't been eating enough or sleeping enough."

"I eat when I'm hungry," Sirius said automatically.

"You don't eat at all. You're too thin."

"I don't want to talk about this."

They were both quiet for a while, watching the white caps of waves blown about in the storm.

"I got in a fight with my brother," Sirius said slowly. He could tell Peter this, he realized. Peter wouldn't back him into a corner and force anything out of him.

"What about?"

"I was mad at my parents, and I took it out on him. I just…It makes me so angry that he doesn't get in trouble with them. I mean, I don't want him to get hurt, you know I wouldn't want that."

"Of course," Peter agreed hurriedly.

"But the fact that he is…he's too much like them, Peter. I mean, he isn't like them, but he's getting to be."

"What do you mean?" Peter asked, perplexed.

"I guess, it's that he acts like he agrees with my parents about everything. And then he's saying how I shouldn't provoke them, and that Voldemort is pressuring them, and then tells me that I'm stupid for making all this happen. It's like he's on their side."

Peter nodded. "It sounds like it."

"But I've always thought he was more like me. I mean, he's never said outright, but I always thought that he didn't agree with our parents about all that pureblood stuff. But he acts like he does, so maybe he really is like them. I mean, can you believe in something and not stand up for it?"

Peter thought for a long moment. "Yes, you can. Not everyone is strong enough to stand up and fight when they know it's a losing battle. I mean, sometimes it's so much easier just to run away."

Sirius thought about that. "But what's the point in believing in something if you won't ever act on it?"

"I don't know, Padfoot. But I think, somewhere, it has to count for something. Maybe someday just believing enough will give someone the courage to do what's right, even though it's hard." Peter was gazing out the window at something far, far away, and Sirius thought maybe Peter wasn't just talking about Regulus.

They fell into a comfortable silence, both lost in thought.

"Don't you have to get to class?" Sirius asked suddenly.

"Free period," Peter said.

"No, it's not. You have Charms," Sirius said. "And it's already started."

"Okay, you caught me, I'm skipping class," Peter said, grinning. Sirius smiled back at him weakly. He felt guilty for disregarding Peter so often, for acting like he didn't care. Peter should not be skipping class for him. He didn't deserve a friend like that, not from Peter. He was grateful.

"Thank you, Wormtail." He wished words could capture his feelings, but as it was, these three pathetic words were all he had. An overused nicety, and a nickname to show that he cared.

"Don't mention it." Three more words just as overused, but with more meaning. Peter thought that this was something to be disregarded. It wasn't something special.

But it was. It was something very special to have friends like this who, even though he had been moody and irritable, still came after him to make sure he was okay. Friends who let him talk when he needed to and let him be silent when he needed peace.

"No, really, Peter. I don't thank you often enough. This means a lot."

"Well, if you're feeling like you have to repay me…you could write the Charms essay I was supposed to turn in today."

Sirius laughed, sudden and loud, and Peter joined in, just two friends sharing a happy moment in a room with no corners.


	44. Chapter 44

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Forty-Four**

Peter did not go to any of his afternoon classes. He and Sirius remained in the round room all afternoon. They talked for quite a while, then they were silent. Sirius fell asleep for a little bit, and Peter used that time to practice some Charms, which ultimately resulted in Sirius waking up to a loud crash when Peter accidentally disintegrated a shelf on the bookcase.

"Bloody hell, Wormtail," Sirius muttered, rubbing his eyes to better see the damage.

"Sorry," Peter said sheepishly. He watched as Sirius drew his wand from a pocket of his robes. The thin stick of wood swished through the air. The books were sitting in neat stacks on the floor, rather than in the heap they had landed in. Another _swoosh_ and there was a new shelf. A tiny flick of the wand and the books were arranging themselves on the newly reinstated shelf.

"Sirius?" Peter asked in a small voice.

"Yeah?"

"How do you do silent spells so well like that?" Peter looked down, embarrassed to have to ask.

"Er," Sirius said awkwardly. "I just – er."

"Forget it," Peter said quickly. Obviously it was another one of those things that just came easily to Sirius. One of those things that Peter just couldn't do.

"No, just give me a minute." Sirius frowned. "I used to have a really hard time with it."

"You did?" Peter asked, surprised. He recalled Sirius being able to perform almost any spell with no verbal incantation the second day they tried it.

"Yeah, I had to practice a lot. Right, so what I do…" Sirius closed his eyes, obviously thinking hard. "I guess you just have to think about it a little harder."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, like making something, like that shelf. You have to think really hard about how much you want something to be there, and then you sort of…you sort of yell the incantation in your head, and then it happens." Sirius frowned distractedly, running a hand through his smooth, black hair. "That isn't a great description, but I can't think of how to say it better."

"No, that kind of makes sense," Peter assured him. "So if I wanted a chair right here…" He pictured his favorite chair at home, the big grey one in the living room. He thought about how much he missed sitting in it when he did his homework, how much he wished it was right there in front of him. He thought the incantation.

Peter opened his eyes, and there was his chair. "I did it!" he exclaimed, flopping into the chair happily.

Sirius grinned. "See? It's not too hard, right?"

"So, what do you do when it isn't something you want to be there?" Peter asked.

"You mean like vanishing something? It's just the opposite. You think of how much you don't want it to be there."

"No, I mean if it isn't something you want or don't want. Like…remember first year when we had to make a pineapple tap dance across a desk for our final exam?"

Sirius laughed. "My pineapple tripped."

"Mine kind of just rolled over and then didn't do anything."

"Who cares if a pineapple can tap dance anyway?" Sirius asked.

"Not me. So how, then, do I make it dance?"

"Well. I guess I would just think about how funny or something it would be if it would do that. I'd picture it doing what I wanted, I suppose," Sirius said.

Peter conjured a pineapple, feeling very pleased with himself for being able to do it silently. Sirius nodded his approval. "So…" Peter trailed off. He did what Sirius had said. The pineapple sprouted some legs and danced its way right across the desk. "Yes!" Peter cheered.

Sirius smiled. "So does this make us even? You skip class, I give you lessons in silent spells?"

"Sure," Peter said happily.

"Good." Sirius lay down on the sofa.

"Tired?" Peter guessed.

"You would think," Sirius said, "after spending a week in bed, doing nothing but sleep and the occasional essay, that I would not be tired in the least. But no. I could sleep for another whole week."

"Go ahead and sleep," Peter said. "I don't mind."

Sirius shook his head. "I really don't want to, though."

"Okay." Peter remained seated in his conjured chair. Sirius lay on the sofa with his eyes closed. Just when Peter thought he was asleep, Sirius spoke.

"You know, James promised me I wouldn't have to go back home." Sirius hadn't opened his eyes.

"Yeah, I know. It's good. I hate the thought of you having to go back there."

"Thanks," Sirius said. "The thing is though, there's really nothing he can do about it."

"What are you talking about?"

"My parents aren't just going to let me go live with the Potters."

"Why do you have to ask their permission?" Peter asked. The obvious solution to him was to just leave.

"I can't just leave, Peter," Sirius said. His voice held more exhaustion than Peter could even understand. "I can't just leave my brother like that, and what if my parents come after me?"

"Well…" Peter trailed off. He didn't know the answer.

Sirius expected his silence. "Exactly. Look, I've only got to make it til the end of summer, right? Then I'll be seventeen, and they can't do anything about it."

"James is trying to think of a way to get you out of there," Peter said.

"There isn't a way, though. I just have to stick it out. How bad can it be?" Peter winced at this. They both knew how bad it could be.

"Don't say stuff like that," Peter said. "It can be really bad. I know it. You don't have to pretend for me."

"I'm not," Sirius said, even though he had been.

"Look, it's time for dinner," Peter said.

"Uh-huh," Sirius mumbled, looking like he might fall asleep.

"So we have to go."

"You go ahead."

"No."

Sirius opened his eyes. "What?"

"I'm not going without you."

"Why not?"

"Because. Look, you have to eat dinner."

"I'm not –"

"Hungry. I know. Doesn't matter. You have to eat dinner."

"I know you all think I'm anorexic," Sirius said, "but I'm not."

"Then prove it. Eat dinner with us."

"I don't have to prove it."

"Doesn't mean you shouldn't," Peter pointed out. Sirius blinked. "Now, come on. We don't want to be late."

Remus, James, and Lily were already waiting for them when they got there. They were at the end of the table tonight, as though trying for a quieter area.

Sirius and Peter sat down in the seats that had been saved for them.

"Did you two have a nice talk?" Lily asked.

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "What do you mean?"

"Peter skipped all his classes," she said.

"Yes, he did. I said he shouldn't. I said he should go and get all that important knowledge. Nothing like being able to make a pineapple tap dance," Sirius said. Peter snickered appreciatively at the inside joke, while the others stared in confusion.

"Here," James said, shoving a full plate in Sirius' direction. Peter bit his lip nervously.

"What's this?" Sirius asked. "Are you feeding me now? Am I five?"

"This is what you're going to eat for dinner tonight," James said. His grip on the edge of the plate wavered precariously, forcing Sirius to grab it, or be covered in its contents.

"This is too much," Sirius protested, looking at the meal.

"Actually, that's a healthy amount," Remus said factually. Peter started filling his own plate with the nearest food items, avoiding Sirius' gaze.

"I'm not that hungry," Sirius said.

"If I hear you say that one more time," James growled, "I swear I will jinx you."

Sirius scowled at him. "It's true."

"Sirius, you have to be hungry sometimes," Lily said logically.

"Look, you're going to eat," James said with some finality, obviously intending that his words not be argued.

"We thought you had started eating again after that last time in the hospital wing, but obviously you didn't," Remus said.

"And rather than risk you being hauled off to St. Mungo's," James said, "we're going to make sure this time."

"I have been eating just fine," Sirius said through clenched teeth. "I don't need this."

"Yes, Sirius, you do," Peter said.

Sirius turned to look at him, eyes hard, angry. Peter resisted the urge to squirm, as Sirius' eyes bored into him. If he backed down now, Sirius would win, and right now that was the worst thing for him.

Sirius turned away from him then, staring down at his plate, blinking rapidly.

"Please, Sirius," Remus said softly. "Just eat. Please."

Sirius gave him a look, then speared a carrot rather violently and put it in his mouth.

Lily smiled at Sirius encouragingly. Sirius glared back, stabbing something else on his plate.

"Could you quit bloody watching me eat?" Sirius finally said. "It's not dinner theater."

"We just have to be sure," Remus said calmly.

Sirius muttered something that sounded suspiciously like a very long string of curse words, before continuing to eat.


	45. Chapter 45

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Forty-Five**

It was only hard the first night. That first night after dinner, extracting himself from his friends, that was difficult. It was hard to come up with a good alibi without raising suspicion. It was difficult, pretending not to be mad when he was so, so angry at them. He didn't even know what to do with anger like that.

It had been difficult, that first night, to force himself to do what he knew he had to. It was difficult, but not impossible. He found an empty bathroom far out of the way so no one would hear what he was going to do.

Afterwards, he couldn't even drag himself up off the floor. His body still felt so weak from being sick, and this only made it worse. It had taken him quite a while to work up the energy to find his feet again, and once he had stumbled over to the sinks, he discovered he looked absolutely awful. He was pale and sweaty and sort of looked like he was a half-ghost. He would be a whole ghost, but for the fact that he wasn't transparent. He was translucent. Dark blue veins pressed against the white skin of his arms.

That first night he did homework until his eyes were too tired to read, then he practiced spells until his hand was too tired to hold a wand. His friends had long since gone to sleep. He didn't even bother to change his clothes, just kicked off his trainers and fell into bed.

This nightmare was one of the worst he'd ever had. It had been a long time since he screamed in his sleep, but when he opened his eyes to Remus' worried face he realized he must have tonight. Remus was leaning over the side of the bed. James was sitting on the edge of the bed. He felt claustrophobic.

"Are you okay?" Remus had whispered. "What happened?" Remus had dark smudges under his eyes like he hadn't been sleeping.

"Just a dream," Sirius had said softly, almost to himself. "A dream."

Sirius' robes had been tangled around him, too tight about his chest and stomach. He couldn't breathe. James had been staring at him, then abruptly had gotten up and walked away into the darkness, shaking his head, kicking at something on the floor.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Remus had asked. Sirius had shaken his head, Remus had nodded and left.

Sirius had reached across the bed, fingers carefully feeling for his wand on his bedside table. He had cast a silencing charm around his bed. He wouldn't wake them again.

After that night, it was easier. Forced meal, perfect excuse, trip to the bathroom, and it was okay. Homework late, trying to catch up, a simple silencing charm. He awoke every night screaming, but his friends did not wake with him.

Sirius got up early every day. He was out running every day at that time before the sun rises when the edge of the sky bleeds pink with diluted sunlight and the clouds turn that milky blue colour at the edges, the majority of the cloud still thick with nighttime.

The grass of the Quidditch pitch was growing again after a long winter, thick but still a little weak, bending under his trainers. The air still tasted of rain, smelling like cool earth and tall trees, with sweet water lining every breath.

It was good that he so enjoyed this time of year, because now he had to run so much more than before. He felt tired so much, but at the same time, energetic, almost jittery, like when he drank too much coffee, which he might have been doing again because he never got much sleep. Running made him calm. The ache deep in his muscles made him feel good. It wasn't pain; it was survival.

Sirius spent a lot more time with his friends, playing games and pulling pranks. Lily never approved of pranks, but she never stopped them either. It confirmed their suspicions that she had always found their jokes funny. She did not, however, like it when they played pranks on Snape.

"He's not a bad person, you should give him a chance," she always said while James scowled forcefully. He didn't like that she and Snape were friends.

The Marauders and Lily had taken to playing tournaments of chess. The outcome was usually predictable. Peter was the worst at chess, they all knew it. James was not great either. He was too impatient, and couldn't form a good strategy. Always before Remus and Sirius played, Remus winning most of the time. Now Lily was the champion. Sirius and James vowed to quit playing chess and find something new.

Sirius spent so much time convincing his friends that everything had gone back to normal. He couldn't keep up with his homework. It took him forever to catch up on the work he had missed, and even then, he still felt behind. He stayed up late into the night to work.

If his friends noticed that he rarely went to sleep before midnight, they didn't say anything. Perhaps they had noticed and were just waiting to address the issue, the same way they had with his eating. Lull him into a false sense of complacency, then make their move. It wouldn't take him by surprise, not this time. He was wary.

There were problems with focusing so much energy on making his friends think everything was fine. He was conscious of every word he said to them, always making sure he wasn't undoing all this hard work. He couldn't talk to them about things anymore.

Maybe he never had. They had deduced his home situation themselves long before he had admitted to it. And strangely enough, they never said anything about it again. Maybe that wasn't so strange. It wasn't the easiest thing to bring up, Sirius thought, and it wasn't something people went around talking about. But they seemed to pretend it had never happened.

The whole reason he never told them about it was that he didn't want things to change. He didn't want them to think he was weak or anything. But now that things hadn't changed, it felt wrong.

Sirius felt quite alone and desperately wished for someone he could talk to about everything, but really there wasn't anyone. He wished he had a friend in another country or something, someone far away that he could send letters to. His mind landed on his uncle Alphard.

Which is how he found himself at a desk in an empty classroom, doodling absentmindedly on a piece of parchment, trying to think of how to begin. _With a clean piece of parchment,_ he thought, pulling one out. Uncle Alphie might not appreciate his very poor depiction of a hippogriff. He squinted at it and turned his head. It actually looked a bit more like a winged deer.

He stared at the fresh roll of parchment, took a deep breath, and began to write.

_Uncle Alphie, _

_I haven't heard from you in quite a while. I missed you at Christmas. It was awful without you and Andromeda; you know how our family can be. But that's beside the point. _

_Actually, I really don't have much of a point. I just really felt like writing a letter to someone, and I thought of you. So here goes. _

_You've always told me that what matters most is what you think of yourself. You told me I shouldn't listen to my parents when they tell me that I'm wrong because I don't believe that purebloods are better than everyone else. _

_I guess I've just been wondering if I really was right to stand up to my parents all these years. It's really only caused problems, and it's getting to where I can barely handle everything that's going on. My life is too full and I can't juggle all of these things. Maybe it's just me, maybe I never learned how to take care of so many things. _

_But either way, it just seems like it would be easier to quit bothering. To just let them say what they want about me, do what they want. _

_I worry about Regulus, too. You know how he is. He acts like he believes in all of it, but I think he really isn't sure. He's better than that, but if he sees me give up, maybe he won't be. And then I'd have that hanging over me, too. _

_I guess I'm asking you how you did it. How did you turn out different than the rest of the Blacks? Is it worth it for me to keep trying? _

_I don't know if I should send this to you. But I don't know who else to ask. You always knew what to say when I needed advice. It's okay if you don't want to respond. _

_Sirius. _

He folded up the letter and sealed it without reading it through again. If he did, he might not send it, and he really did need answers.

Sirius sprinted up to the owlery and sent the letter before he could change his mind.

_I hope he answers_, he thought. _I don't know where else to turn_.

He stayed in the owlery for a long time, watching as the large barn owl carrying his letter beat the air with his wings, a violent motion, with so much grace. He looked down at the ground, at the small black dots, like those of the Marauder's map, the students milling around on grass that held the perfectly reflected hue of the sunset.

He dreadfully missed the time when he was just one more of those people, wandering the grounds with nothing to do but watch the sun hug the horizon, wrapped in a spectrum of colours.


	46. Chapter 46

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Forty-Six**

Remus was pretty sure that his features looked a little different the day before the full moon. Perhaps he had an overactive imagination. But if he wasn't mistaken, his face was a tad thinner, the cheekbones protruding a bit more. He wasn't sure, but he thought his eyes seemed a little more gold, almost glowing in direct light, animalistic. His hair seemed a little coarser.

As he brushed his teeth that morning of the first week of May, he felt that there was a lot more there to brush. There were two explanations for this. It could be that he was tired and didn't have the energy to expend. Or it could be that his teeth were already growing a little bit. Was he imagining it, or did his toothpaste smell a lot stronger than it usually did?

"Moony, hurry up!" James whined.

"Just a minute," Remus called as he straightened his tie.

"Finally!" James exclaimed as Remus emerged from the bathroom, tie perfectly straight. "Honestly, how long can you take with a tie?"

Remus took in James' tie, which was very wrinkled and was not yet even knotted. He raised his eyebrows, but didn't say anything.

Everyone had been waiting on Remus, it seemed, and they all walked quickly down to breakfast.

Once in the half full Great Hall, the Marauders found Lily and sat with her. Lily, for her part, was dressed nicely for school, none of her clothes wrinkled. Remus again took in James' tie, not to mention the fact that his shirt collar was unbuttoned and his shoelaces were untied. He wondered how those two had ever ended up together.

"Morning," James said to Lily, sitting next to and hugging her very briefly before grabbing a pitcher of pumpkin juice to fill his goblet.

"Aren't you going to do your tie?" Peter asked him, finally noticing.

"No. There are more important things," James said haughtily, heaping food onto his plate.

"Apparently Prongs here is starving," Sirius observed.

Remus turned to look at Sirius when he spoke, and shook his head. James was not the one starving. Yes, James was thin. He was a Seeker, he had to be light. James was tall, with long limbs, very much like the stag he transformed into. But next to Sirius, James looked very large.

To be fair, James was a couple inches taller than Sirius. Sirius had always been a little smaller, a little more graceful, every motion casually elegant, from the way his hair fell to the way he gestured when he was excited. Remus had always been a little bit jealous.

But now Sirius' arms were so thin they looked like they shouldn't be able to lift the jug of water he was currently reaching for. Remus could see every bone in Sirius' hands and wrists shifting as he grabbed the handle of the jug. His motions weren't beautiful to watch, not anymore. They were painful.

Remus couldn't tell exactly when it happened. That was the price of seeing a person constantly. Changes, even as drastic as the one in Sirius, were difficult to notice when they happened over time. It had taken a lot to open his eyes to it. But Remus was determined that he wouldn't let anything like this slip past again.

He gave Sirius a look, indicating with a slight nod of his head, the half empty plate in front of Sirius, where Sirius was stirring his food around without actually eating it. Sirius got the message.

Remus looked back at his own food then, too tired to really keep vigilant. The approaching full moon drained his energy to the point that he could barely drag himself to class. Madam Pomfrey always offered him the day before and after off, but he would never take it. He used to. But he was older now. He could take going to school. His friends would cover for him if he was too tired. His teachers knew not to ask him questions those days.

"Post," Peter announced as all the owls swooped into the Great Hall. Two newspapers dropped in front of Remus and Sirius. Remus glanced at the headlines with little interest. Newspapers took too much energy today. Sirius quickly unfolded his and was then hidden behind it, reading intently. Remus could depend on Sirius to give him any information he needed.

A letter dropped in the center of their table then. James and Lily were deep in whispered conversation, and Peter was talking with a fifth year sitting near him. Sirius was buried in his paper.

Sighing, Remus reached for it. The smoothness of the parchment under his fingers surprised him. It was of high quality, clearly. Remus flipped it over.

"Sirius."

"Hmm?" Sirius peered over the top of the paper.

"You've got a letter."

"Really?" Sirius took it quickly, squinting at it.

Remus looked at his breakfast. It wasn't any more appealing since the last time he had stared at it. He really hoped he wouldn't feel like this all day. Experience told him that he would.

Experience was right, as it usually was. By the time they made it to Charms class, just before lunch, all Remus wanted to do was put his head on his desk and sleep. Despite this, he pulled out a quill and parchment to take notes.

"Don't worry about it, Moony," James whispered. "I'll take good notes." James was giving him permission to rest, to take an hour off. Remus smiled gratefully.

As the notes began, Remus cast a glance around the classroom. He was quite amused by the bewildered expression Professor Flitwick took on when he noticed James' diligent note-taking. Flitwick looked across their row, and then frowned. Remus followed his gaze and found Sirius, staring straight ahead, desk completely empty.

"What are you doing, Sirius?" Remus whispered.

"Nothing."

"Why aren't you taking notes?"

"I don't feel like it." Remus sighed. This was too much bother.

But when they were set to work practicing whatever charm they had just learned, Remus was surprised again when Sirius stood up and walked to the front of the room. He spoke softly to Professor Flitwick, then turned and strode out of the room, bag slung over his shoulder.

"Where's he going?" James wondered aloud. "Oh, damn it!" James' backpack had caught fire from a misdirected charm. James swore loudly as he tried to stamp it out, resulted in a few points taken from Gryffindor.

By lunch, Remus was tempted to skive off the rest of the day, but was torn when Sirius did not show up. Remus barely heard James' complaints about Sirius ditching Charms and lunch, nor did he listen to James bemoaning the scorch marks on his backpack. He was intrigued though, by Sirius' mysterious absence.

He went to double Potions that afternoon, half-expecting Sirius to skip that as well, but Sirius was there, sitting outside the door of the classroom when they arrived.

"Where were you?" James asked.

Sirius shrugged.

"You up and skive off in the middle of Charms, and then you don't show up for lunch? What did you do?" James demanded.

Sirius remained silent.

James opened his mouth to say something else, but the door creaked open and they were ushered inside by a very excited Slughorn.

Luckily they had partners for Potions, so Remus really didn't have to do any work. He was partnered with Sirius, who was very good at Potions and knew better than to expect Remus to do much today.

However, Sirius was not on top of his game today, and was being constantly distracted by James. James was partnered with Lily, and barely paid attention to their potion as he quizzed Sirius on his whereabouts, while Sirius remained stubbornly silent. James finally made a face at him and quit talking. Remus was rather grateful for the silence.

"Listen, Remus, I think I did this wrong," Sirius whispered over halfway through the class. "I just…never mind. I'm going to try to fix it, but please don't be too mad if we don't do well, all right?"

Remus stared at him. Sirius had never had problems with a potion before. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Sirius said, too quickly. But Remus let it go. He wasn't up to probing today.

Their potion did not turn out well. They were instructed to feed the potion to a toad to test it. Remus and Sirius' toad positively withered.

Sirius turned very pale, an accomplishment, Remus thought, as his skin had recently been so pallid as to be almost translucent.

"You okay?"

Sirius nodded shortly, looking away, breathing hard.

"What's wrong?" Remus whispered.

Sirius shook his head, then grabbed his bag from the floor beside the table. He was out the door before Slughorn could even object.

Remus frowned as he slowly cleaned up their table. Though there wasn't much to clean, really. Sirius was scrupulously tidy when it came to making potions.

"What was that?" James asked Remus as they left the dungeons. Remus shrugged.

"He wouldn't say."

"You okay, Moony?" James said in a low voice.

Remus nodded. "I think I'll go to the hospital wing now, though."

James looked worried. "All right. We'll see you later."

By the time he made it up the stairs to the hospital wing, the hallways were silent. He quietly pushed open the door to the wing, crawling into the nearest bed. Madam Pomfrey came out, but seeing it was him, she returned to what she was doing after an apologetic look. There wasn't anything she could do.

Remus' blood felt hot, sending waves of heat through him as his heart hammered in his ears. His skin felt too tight. The wolf inside him was bursting to get out, its blood throbbing through his veins, making its presence known. Its teeth sank into his lip, holding back its breathy growl, a wolf's gasp of pain.

"Are you ready?" Madam Pomfrey asked him. He opened wolf eyes, gold and glowing, nodding his head.

"Yeah." A wolf's voice.


	47. Chapter 47

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Forty-Seven**

Sirius Black had nowhere to go.

He wandered through the labyrinth of the dungeons, the damp chill sliding its way into his bloodstream, freezing his heart, making him numb. He shivered, pulling his robes tighter about him, then let them go. What did it matter?

He sat down in the hallway there. He didn't feel the icy stone under him.

Sirius thought back to the letter he had received at breakfast. He had only read the first line, but it echoed, pulsed through his veins with every beat of his frozen heart.

_We regret to inform you Alphard Black passed away…_

What sort of letter was that? It was so formal, so detached. Fancy parchment, perfect penmanship, hollow words. They did not regret to inform him. They informed him without a care in the world. He hated them.

Sirius pulled the letter out of his robes, the previously perfect parchment scarred with creases. He looked at the signature, needing to know who it was he hated. _Sincerely, the Black Family. _

He did hate them. All of them. He had no one left there. No one here to talk to, no one in his family cared. He was alone, so completely, utterly alone.

Tears pressed at his eyes, making his vision hazy until he thought he might pass out from dizziness, but no, because that would've been too much to ask, wouldn't it? No, he had to stay conscious, had to bear this, because he was alone, him against the world.

_Merlin, how can he be…be…bloody hell!_ He felt sick. He was going to throw up. No, he wasn't. He had gotten rid of breakfast, and he hadn't eaten since. Maybe he would be sick anyway.

Sirius hugged his legs close to him, pressing his face into his knees, willing himself to disappear. Uncle Alphie was the only adult in the world he could talk to, the only one who knew what his life was like, really knew.

He thought of the letter he had sent to his uncle, the questions he desperately needed answered. The answers died with Uncle Alphard.

Maybe it was his fault. Everything good in his life was disappearing. Alerting the world to his uncle was practically asking for this. He wouldn't even put it past his parents to kill off his uncle once they realized that Sirius actually cared about him.

But it just wasn't fair! How could this happen?

Sirius contemplated for quite a while, through dinner he was sure, but what did it matter? It didn't, he concluded in the same thought.

Eventually the wall torches went out for the night, and he was left in darkness. He didn't mind that either.

It finally occurred to him to check his watch, and he was surprised to find it was almost eleven. But he wasn't ready to go back to the common room.

He felt crushed, like a giant had stepped on him, pressing his ribs in until they snapped, until his heart was smashed into pulp. He felt empty, hollowed out, like someone carved out what was left of his insides. Yet, his chest ached. Could an empty space hurt?

It hurt, but he was numb. It was like having a long snowball fight with no gloves, when his hands were so numb that they actually burned, as if out of nostalgia for warmth.

Yet, in his numb pain he felt warm too. No, not warm, hot. Burning hot with silvery blades of anger. He wanted to destroy something, to tear into tiny pieces, smash its heart, absolutely obliterate it. He wanted to see something in a worse state than he was.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Sirius looked up, glaring daggers at the form of Severus Snape.

"None of your bloody business!" he snapped, the words feeling sharp on his tongue. But they weren't enough.

"Shouldn't you be off with your friends? Lupin's disappeared again, don't you know? Or don't tell me the famous quartet is fighting?" Snape questioned nastily.

"Shut up, Snape," Sirius hissed. "You don't know what you're talking about." Merlin, how much he would like to jinx Snape, or even just to hit him, something, anything to get rid of this feeling…

"I've struck a nerve, it seems. Where is it they've gone without you, Black? What are you being left out of?" His eyes glinted, an ugly grin distorting his face.

And then he snapped.

"You really want to know?" _No, no, no._

Snape raised his eyebrows. "Tell me." _No, don't. Don't do this. You can't. You can't! _

"All you have to do is prod the knot on the trunk of the Whomping Willow, and go through the hole in the roots." _STOP!_ He couldn't. He couldn't stop. "You'll find out easy enough." _What are you doing?_ his brain screamed at him.

Snape was running away in an instant, without another word. Sirius lurched to his feet, darkness tickling the edges of his vision, menacing.

"Wait," he called, but already Snape's cloak had whipped around a corner and out of sight. He ran down the passage, turning in the same place, but he didn't know where to go next, he was lost, and oh Merlin, Snape knew and he was going to find, and then Remus would…

Sirius' knees buckled and he was sitting on the icy floor, hearing his own gasping breaths, his heart banging out a very fast beat, his chest aching, he was so dizzy.

_No no no! You've killed him. He's going to die, and it's your fault. And then Remus will have to leave, he'll never speak to you, and James won't, and Peter won't, and it will be your fault, you'll deserve it, what the bloody hell were you thinking, why didn't you STOP?_

"James, James!" Sirius gasped, digging around in his pockets, finally drawing out the mirror. He dropped it, it clattered to the ground, reflecting light skittering across stones, his hands shaking so bad, he was so scared…

He grabbed the mirror, gripping it hard, the edges biting into his hands. "James!"

"What's wrong?" James' face appeared. "Bloody hell, Sirius, where are you?"

"James! James, I told him, and he's coming, Merlin, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!"

"Told who what? What are you talking about?" James demanded, looking afraid.

"Snape, I told Snape about the Willow and the passage, please James you've got to stop him, please do something, please!" Sirius begged, tears blurring his vision, strangling his voice.

"You did _what?_" James yelled.

"Please, James, stop him, please! I'm so sorry." Sirius' voice shook, his whole body shook. "I'm sorry…"

James was gone, the mirror dark. Sirius took a few more shuddering breaths, wrapping his arms around himself trying to hold himself together. He forced himself to stand, beginning to run, making random turns. He used to know this passage, but he couldn't remember, he didn't know where he was, or even who he was, because Sirius Black never would have done this.

The Entrance hall loomed before him, rushing past under his trainers, it was gone, behind the front doors. He ran so fast he couldn't feel his feet touching the ground, couldn't breathe, the air pushing in too hard. The Whomping Willow was there, swinging its branches as he tripped and toppled down a little hill.

_Please, please, please don't let him see, don't let it be too late. Please…_


	48. Chapter 48

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Forty-Eight**

James Potter couldn't remember ever running so fast in his life. He almost flew down the passageway, eyes straining to see a dark figure ahead.

His trainers pounded on well-trodden soil, but he couldn't hear the loud footsteps over the blood rushing in his ears.

There was the end of the passage, he had to be here or it was too late…

"Stop!" he yelled as he finally saw the whisper of a cloak against the filtered light of the end of the passage. He threw himself forward, hands closing tightly around robes, pulling the other boy back before he could shift the chair that blocked the passage.

James could see through the mouth of the passage, the monstrous wolf pacing, a low growl erupting from his throat. Golden eyes, glowing with dark, turned on James and Snape. Snape made a tiny noise, something like a squeak, and under any other circumstances James would have mocked him, but as it was, he didn't feel like laughing.

He grabbed Snape by one skinny bicep, hauling him forcefully down the passageway.

_I can't believe Sirius did this. I can't believe he would betray us like this,_ he thought as he shoved Snape out of the passage. He clambered up after him, pressing the knot on the tree, then dragging Snape along again, with more force than was probably necessary.

Sirius stood there, visibly shaking from head to toe. He looked briefly relieved at the sight of the both of them, then if possible, even more afraid than he had before.

"James, I –"

"Don't." He was stomping up the slope to the castle, still tightly gripping Snape's arm as Sirius followed just behind him.

"But I –"

"I mean it."

"James –"

"Shut up, Sirius!" James roared, turning on him. Sirius cringed, nodding his agreement to silence. James looked over at Snape, whom he still held by the arm. Snape looked as though he was in shock; his sallow skin had gone even paler, his eyes were wide. "We're going to Dumbledore. Now. Come on."

The trek was made in silence. From their many acts of delinquency, both Sirius and James knew the location of Dumbledore's office, as well as his unique preference in passwords. It took James only two guesses to get the right one, and they were on their way up to the office.

James rapped on the door, intent on causing it some sort of pain, but before he accomplished this goal, a voice called out asking that they enter.

James jerked the door open and shoved both Snape and Sirius through it, before following them.

"What is this?" Dumbledore asked, eyebrows raised. He motioned at the three chairs before his desk, almost as though he was expecting them. They sat and he took his seat, folding his hands on his desk and surveying them.

When neither Snape nor Sirius spoke up, James realized he had no choice. He briefly explained that he, Sirius, and Peter knew of Remus' lycanthropy. Dumbledore nodded a little, without seeming surprised at all.

"Sirius came to me tonight and told me that he had told Snape here about the passageway under the Whomping Willow," James said.

Dumbledore frowned, turning to Sirius. "And why did you do that?"

"I – I don't – I didn't mean – I was –" Sirius stammered.

"I'm sure you understood that was not something that should be told, under any circumstances. That there were dangers not only to Mr. Snape, but also to your friends and yourself," Dumbledore said gravely, eyes boring into Sirius.

Sirius looked absolutely faint, still trembling violently. "I didn't mean to, professor," he whispered. "I was angry, and I didn't think. I'm sorry."

"Yeah, that makes it all better," James snapped sarcastically. "How could you, Sirius?"

"I'm sorry," Sirius said again, his voice choked. He stared at his hands, which were clasped tightly in his lap.

"I wonder, what were you doing out at this hour?" Dumbledore questioned, looking from Sirius to Snape, and then back.

Snape shook his head, Sirius mumbled something incoherent.

"I'm sorry, Sirius, what was that?" Dumbledore asked politely.

"Nothing," Sirius said in a small voice.

"So then, after you told James…" the headmaster trailed off.

"I ran down to the passage, and I caught Snape at the end of it, but he saw…" James trailed off.

"I see." Dumbledore stood up, long robes trailing to the floor. "Well, Severus, I'm sure you understand that you cannot make mention of this to anyone?"

"Yes, sir," Snape said softly.

"Consider yourself sworn to secrecy," Dumbledore said solemnly.

"Yes, sir," Snape mumbled meekly.

"Sirius, I'm afraid there will be severe consequences for your actions. For starters, you will not be allowed to venture into Hogsmeade for the rest of this term. You will receive a month's detentions." He paused. "Due to the nature of this incident, however, I will not be writing to your parents."

"Yes, sir," Sirius said softly. "Thank you, sir."

"Also, twenty points from both Gryffindor and Slytherin."

Sirius and Snape both nodded.

"Is there anything else? James? Severus?" Both shook their heads. "Very well, you may go. Sirius, please stay a moment."

James stalked out of the office, down the stairs, fuming. He was not any less angry by the time he made it back to Gryffindor Tower. No one was there when he arrived in the dormitory. Peter was with Remus. James sat down heavily on his bed to wait for Sirius, already thinking of what to say when he had the chance.

But Sirius did not come back. When James eventually fell asleep at almost four, Sirius hadn't returned, though Peter had. He awoke at eight when Remus crept in, and Sirius' bed was empty.

James explained very heatedly the events of the previous night to both Remus and Peter. The look on Remus' face made him feel absolutely ill. It was a wrenching mixture of confusion, anger, betrayal, and guilt.

"It's not your fault, Remus," James said. "It's Sirius'. You didn't do anything wrong."

"If you didn't know none of this would have happened," Remus fretted.

"We figured it out on our own, you couldn't help that. Sirius should have been able to keep his mouth shut."

* * *

The door whined pitifully as it was opened. Three heads turned to see Sirius slip in, closing the door behind him. He had obviously been running; he was sweaty and windswept.

"Remus," Sirius began. "I can explain –" He took a few steps toward them.

"Like hell you can," James snapped, standing up to face Sirius, acting as a shield to Remus.

"James, I –"

"I can't believe you. Remus trusted you, and you betrayed him. You told Snape, of all people! How could you, Sirius? I never took you for a traitor."

Sirius flinched, but continued to look at Remus. "I didn't mean for this to happen –"

"Didn't mean for this to happen!" James exploded. "What the bloody hell did you think would happen when you told Snape about the Willow? Are you bloody mental?"

"Please, just let me explain," Sirius begged, taking a step toward them. James wasn't having any of it.

"Don't you think you've done enough?" James said. "Why don't you just leave him alone, Sirius? And while you're at it, leave me alone, too."

"I know you're mad –" Sirius looked desperately at Remus, eyes pleading, and Remus felt his heart squeeze. He wanted to know what Sirius wanted to say.

"Mad? No, I'm not mad. I am _furious_. I hate you!" James yelled, shoving Sirius hard. Sirius stumbled back, shoulder striking the edge of a four poster, but he couldn't catch his balance, falling over James' trunk and landing in a heap on the floor.

Remus jumped up, moving closer as James stood over Sirius. Sirius looked small and helpless lying there like that, chest heaving, unable to get up. He stared up at them, eyes showing absolute defeat under the dark hair that had fallen into his face, and for this moment, Remus could see the dog in Sirius. He was a little, dark puppy, abused and scared, cringing away from another kick.

"James," Remus said softly. James turned to look at him. "Enough. Please."

James shook his head, angry, and flopped onto his bed. Remus crouched down where Sirius remained on the floor, a hand over his side.

"Remus, I – there's really no excuse for what I did, and I know it. I'm not asking for your forgiveness, you can't forgive this. But please, I just want you to know that I never meant for this to happen, and I'm so, so sorry." Sirius' eyes shone with unshed tears, and Remus felt a lump in his throat. He didn't understand how Sirius could do this to him, why he would have done it.

"Why did you do it?" he asked, his voice cracking painfully as he did.

"I don't know," Sirius whispered miserably. "I was angry, I was so angry, and I just – I just said it, and then I realized what I had done, and – Merlin, Remus, I'm really sorry!"

"Okay," Remus said. He stood up and walked over to his bed, avoiding everyone's eyes.

Sirius got up off the floor gingerly, limping a little as he went into the bathroom. Remus heard the shower turn on.

"Bloody prat," James muttered. "Look, I'm hungry. Do you want to go to breakfast?"

Remus and Peter nodded silently, and the three trekked down the stairs without speaking.

They found Lily in the Great Hall and sat down. James immediately snatched every food item near him and dumped some onto his plate, then crammed as much food into his mouth as could possibly fit.

"James, that is disgusting," Lily said, frowning.

James scowled, swallowed with some difficulty. "Then don't look."

"What's got you in this mood?" Lily asked crossly.

"Nothing," James snapped. The rest of their argument occurred in heated whispers, while Remus and Peter did their best to ignore them.

It was Saturday, which left them little to do. They finally decided to just do their homework, and they took over a few tables in the common room to work on.

They saw Sirius leave the tower a bit before eight, and James gave the brief explanation that he had detention.

Sirius wasn't back when they went to bed. _I don't care,_ Remus told himself. Except that he did care. Yes, Sirius had betrayed him, and he was really angry. But it was hard to stay angry at Sirius. It was difficult to be angry at any of his friends, really. It made him feel like something was missing.

James would tell him to just forget about Sirius, but then, James could hold a grudge for years if he felt like it. Remus wasn't that stubborn.

He wanted to just forgive Sirius, for everything to go back to normal. But he couldn't forgive if he didn't know why Sirius had done it, and he definitely couldn't forgive when he was feeling so betrayed.

Remus heard Sirius enter the dormitory around two. He didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. He wasn't sure he even wanted to say anything at all. Maybe he wanted Sirius to say more first. He didn't know.

He could hear Sirius tossing and turning. It was quite a long time before either of them went to sleep.


	49. Chapter 49

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Forty-Nine**

If Sirius felt alone before, it was nothing compared to how he felt now. The week following the incident was one of the worst he could remember at Hogwarts.

He went running every morning until he could hardly breathe, then snuck back in to Gryffindor Tower to shower and dress, slipping out again before the others woke.

He grabbed an apple in the Great Hall as soon as it was open, then went to the library to work until it was time for class. He worked through lunch and dinner.

Quidditch practice had resumed in preparation for the final match of the year, which was to take place in the third week of May. The first day of practice he had gone out to the field early, only to find James already there.

There were so many things Sirius wanted to say. He wanted to beg for forgiveness, wanted to apologize again. He almost wished James would hit him or something. He deserved to be punished.

"I'll quit the team, if you want," he had ended up saying. "I know you don't want me to be here. I'll look for someone to replace me, even."

"If I wanted you off the team, I'd kick you off," James said, not looking at him. "You may be a prat, but you're a good keeper."

"I'm sorry," Sirius said softly.

"It isn't enough, Sirius."

"I know." He wished it was, but he didn't deserve to be let off so easily.

That was the only time James spoke to him all week.

Every day after practice he ran to detention, where he did a million odd jobs, all under the disgusted scrutiny of Professor McGonagall. She looked at him as a traitor. He took it the same way he took the looks from everyone. He deserved it.

His nightmares still plagued him, but were worse, if possible. Not only did Orion and Walburga haunt his dream, but images of James standing over him, of Remus looking like he might cry. _I never took you for a traitor._ He never slept more than two hours, waking up every night to stare at the bruises on his arm and side from where James had pushed him. He deserved that, too.

Despite detention and practice, he had too much extra time. He did all the extra credit work, then studied for upcoming tests, even ones that were weeks off.

But perhaps the worst part of it all was seeing Remus, Peter, and James together while he was alone. Seeing them talking in Charms, laughing as Peter sent a rabbit whizzing across the room, nearly knocking over Professor Flitwick. It was painful, the realization that he would never be part of that again.

_It's your own fault,_ he reminded himself. _If you weren't so bloody stupid this wouldn't have happened. You deserve every minute of this. _

He deserved it, but that didn't make it hurt any less. The hole that had opened inside him when his uncle died had grown exponentially. He didn't have a heart anymore. He was cold, heartless, pained. The loneliness choked him, rising in his throat whenever he went to speak, a wave of nothing that suffocated him, sweeping away his words.

He wondered if it would help to cry. It always seemed to help girls. Sirius hadn't cried in so long, he couldn't even remember how to do it. It was so basic, so perfunctory, so human. One more human element he was missing.

Sirius moved from class to class, drifting through his new routine, almost thoughtless. It hurt to think.

He saw Remus looking at him a few times, questioning with his eyes. Eyes Sirius couldn't bear to meet. Remus didn't understand, he knew, but he couldn't explain.

Friday afternoon he was leaving Potions, intending to go to the Quidditch pitch, when a hand caught his arm. He turned to look at who it was, though he couldn't hide his disinterest. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He had nothing to say. He was empty.

"Sirius?"

"What do you want, Lily?" His voice was so rough and soft. He couldn't remember the last time he'd used it.

"What happened? Why are you fighting with the others?"

"It's complicated."

"They won't tell me why either. James just said…well, I won't tell you what he said. It wasn't very nice," she said, frowning.

"It was probably true, then," Sirius mumbled.

"Don't say that. Don't look so down, Sirius. I'm sure it'll end up okay."

"Don't look so down? Let's see you lose your only real family member and then all your friends in one day, and then see how you look!" he snapped. "Look, I have to go to practice."

"I'll walk with you. Your only real family member?" They began making their way up through the empty halls.

"My uncle. He was the only decent one in the family. I actually liked him. And he –" The emptiness swallowed the rest of his words.

"Oh, Sirius, I'm so sorry. Were you two close?" Lily asked, eyes showing sincere sympathy.

"Sort of. I don't want to talk about this, okay?"

"But maybe I can help you, talk to James and Remus, or something…" she trailed off.

"Don't. Don't try to help me, I don't deserve it. You should listen to what James said and just stay away from me. I'm not the sort of person you want to be around." Sirius looked away. "I've got to hurry; I'm late."

He ran then, as fast as he could, leaving her confused.

Sirius was the first person to Quidditch practice, standing all alone in the middle of the field.

* * *

"That's what was in that letter?" Remus exclaimed. "That's why he was acting so odd?"

"I didn't even know he had a family member he actually liked," Peter commented.

"Apparently they were close," Lily said. "I get the feeling anybody decent in that family has to band together."

"Well, I don't think it's any excuse," James said, stabbing his fork into a bite of chicken.

"Have you ever lost someone close to you?" Remus asked as he cut up his own chicken. It was odd dinner conversation, but he was curious. It seemed that Sirius' betrayal was finally making a bit of sense, but James obviously disagreed.

"No," James admitted.

"Let me put it in perspective for you," Remus said, thinking back to how he had felt when his grandfather had died. "At first you're completely shocked. You can't believe this is happening, it must be a dream. You feel ill, like you might be sick."

"I get that part," James said, "but what does that have to do with –"

"Then you start thinking about the last things you said to the person, if you left a good last impression. You think of all the things you would have said to them, all the things you always meant to ask them and never got to, and now it's too late."

"And then," Lily continued for him, "You start thinking how unfair it is that you'll never get to ask them. You go from feeling empty and lonely to being really, really angry."

"He said he was angry, remember?" Remus aid. "He said he was angry, and he didn't think."

"So you think because his uncle died, what he did is okay?" James asked, frowning, clearly not buying it.

"Not okay, necessarily. More understandable. I mean, it had to be worse for Sirius, too, what with his uncle being one of the only members of his family that he liked."

"He said his uncle was his 'only real family member,'" Lily said. "What is it that he did?"

"Never mind," James said quickly.

"I want to talk to him," Remus said decisively.

"You mean you're going to –" Peter began.

"I'm not mad at him anymore, not really. I can't stay mad for long, you know that. And now that I know why…"

"Do you want the map?" James asked, finally seeming to accept the idea. Remus knew this was a sign that James was ready to forgive Sirius as well. The two were never very good at hating each other for any period of time, despite James' stubbornness.

"Yeah," Remus said. Sirius quite obviously was not in the Great Hall that evening.

James pulled out the blank sheet of parchment.

"What's that?" Lily asked, curious.

"This?" James asked, brandishing it. "This, my dear, is one of our greatest creations. Watch." After a quick, precursory glance to make sure no one was watching, he touched his wand to the parchment. "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

Immediately elegant script spelled out the heading. Lily read it aloud. "'Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs, purveyors of aids to magical mischief-makers, are proud to present the Marauder's Map.' You forgot a comma."

"Focus, Lils!" James said impatiently.

She took in the details of the map. "This is quite impressive," she conceded.

"We thought so," James said smugly.

"Oh no," Lily said pointing. Remus leaned over and squinted.

The little dot labeled Sirius Black was in the sixth floor corridor, surrounded by five other dots.

"Malfoy, Avery, Yaxley, Mulciber, and Regulus Black. What is Regulus doing with them?"

"He and Sirius had a fight. He's really mad," Peter informed them.

"Looks like there's going to be trouble," Lily said.

"Well, c'mon then!" James said, springing to his feet and making his way through the Great Hall, Remus and Peter following quickly. Remus supposed Lily realized that the four Marauders needed to resolve the conflict privately. He was grateful for her perception.

It was times like these that Remus wished Hogwarts was significantly smaller. Other times, the size of the castle gave him a feeling that there was adventure to be had, but it was very frustrating when one needed to get somewhere quickly.

They finally made it into the dimly lit corridor of the sixth floor, rounding the corner and sliding to a halt, wands out.

The Slytherins were in a tight pack, surrounding one person who was lying on the floor.

"Stop!" James ordered, and the Slytherins whirled about to face them, wands at the ready.

Lucius Malfoy took a step forward. "Well, well, well. If it isn't James Potter here to save the day. And what's this? You've brought some friends have you?"

"Leave Sirius alone," James said in a low voice, glaring at Malfoy.

"Leave him alone? I thought that's what you've been doing, Potter? Or did you realize that Sirius is just too weak to leave to his own devices?"

"That's none of your business," James growled.

"Why don't you just leave, Malfoy?" Remus suggested. "We wouldn't want to have to tell any professors about this."

"Was that supposed to be a threat?" Malfoy said nastily, taking another step toward them. "But I suppose you don't know. Sirius here is the one who started the fight. Why, just look at Regulus."

Remus shifted his glance to Sirius' brother, surprised to see the beginnings of a black eye.

"We were only defending ourselves," Yaxley said.

"The five of you against Sirius? Sounds a little uneven, if you ask me," Remus said, raising his eyebrows. His voice lowered into a growl. "You've done enough here."

"I do believe it is time for us to leave," Malfoy said smoothly, waving a hand at the rest of the Slytherins. "But don't worry. You'll hear from us again, soon."

They left and Remus and James turned to watch them go, keeping their wands trained on the Slytherins, should they decide to attack.

Once the Slytherins were gone, they turned their attention to Sirius, who was standing shakily, brushing dust from his clothes.

Remus walked toward him slowly. Sirius looked pretty awful; a cut over his eye, blood oozing from both his mouth and nose, though he tried to swipe it away with his sleeve. One of his hands looked as though it might be broken, and Remus thought perhaps it had been stepped on. Also, the way Sirius moved made Remus suspect bruised ribs.

"Are you okay?"

"You didn't have to do that," Sirius said, ignoring the question, still looking down at his robes as he tried to staunch the flow of blood from his nose.

"What, you wanted us to let them beat you up?" James asked.

"I would deserve it," Sirius said. "But thank you for helping me."

"You don't deserve to be beaten up," Remus said. "Why would you say that?"

"I betrayed you," Sirius said simply. "It was wrong, and I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway. I deserve to be punished."

"No, you don't," Remus said softly. "Here, let me heal that for you."

Sirius shook his head. "Stop being so nice to me, Remus. It makes me feel worse."

"Would you rather I hit you too?"

"I would deserve it."

"I'm tempted to hit you just for saying that."

"You can if you want," Sirius said quietly. He finally looked up and met Remus' eyes, shocking him with the hollowness there. And yet, at the same time, Remus could see that Sirius was hurting, that the betrayal was killing him.

"Stop," Remus said, hoping Sirius knew he didn't just mean stop saying that. He sat down on the floor, and Sirius sat next to him. "Why didn't you tell us that your uncle died?"

"Lily told you." It wasn't a question.

"You should've told us. We'd have understood," Remus said.

"It doesn't make it okay," Sirius said.

"No, it doesn't," James agreed, sitting with them and Peter, making a circle on the floor.

"But we're willing to forgive you," Remus said.

"Don't."

"What?" James demanded.

"You shouldn't forgive me," Sirius said. "What I did was horrible. It was the worst thing I've ever done. I hate myself for it. I don't deserve your forgiveness. I don't deserve you being nice to me."

"Sirius, you weren't yourself," Remus said. "You weren't thinking clearly. Otherwise you never would have told Snape."

"But I did!" Sirius said, shaking his head. "I did tell him! Yeah, okay, I wasn't thinking clearly, but that doesn't change what I did!"

"You became an Animagus for me. You help me keep up with my work when I'm…ill. You've done so much for me, all of you have. Nothing will change that," Remus said sincerely.

"We've missed you, Sirius," Peter said quietly.

"I'm sorry I was such a git to you," James said. "And I don't hate you. I was just mad. I should have listened to you. I'm really sorry."

Sirius blinked rapidly and swallowed hard. "Thank you. But you're too nice…I can't –"

"Sirius, we forgive you!" Remus said.

"I know. It's just…I can't forgive me," he whispered.

"Try. If anyone here has a reason to be mad, it's me," Remus said. "And I'm not. So you shouldn't be either."

"I'll try," Sirius said, smiling weakly. "Thank you. Thanks so much. I –"

"Yeah, we get it, you're really grateful," James interrupted. "Can we get up off the floor? Dinner's over and we're going to get stepped on."

Sirius laughed abruptly, that loud, bark-like laugh he had, and Remus and Peter joined in.

James looked between the three of them. "What? It's true!"

"C'mon," Remus said, standing up and offering a helping hand to Sirius, who took it. "Will you let me heal that, now?"

Sirius nodded, and Remus pulled out his wand. After only a few seconds, Sirius was all patched up.

"Thank you," Sirius said softly to Remus was they moved through the now crowded corridor. "And I'm still sorry."

"Forget it, Padfoot," Remus replied, then smiled. "It's all in the past."


	50. Chapter 50

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Fifty**

Any ideas of resumed normalcy Remus had were quickly banished as the week progressed.

In Remus' mind, it should all be over. He wasn't one to assume, but it seemed to him that as Sirius had apologized and been forgiven, the conflict was resolved and there was no longer an issue. As it was though, no one but him was acting normally.

Sirius was perhaps the most obvious example. The phrase 'walking on eggshells' came to Remus' mind, but it really didn't quite fit. Sirius wasn't just being careful around them. Remus wasn't sure exactly what Sirius thought he was doing, but it seemed to consist more of being silent than anything else. Sirius spoke when he was directly addressed, but did not offer opinions beyond that. He didn't even protest when they nagged at him to eat, but Remus wouldn't complain about that.

Remus supposed that Sirius just still felt guilty. He could see it in Sirius' eyes, dark like storm clouds stirring up a hurricane of regret and pain. Sirius had meant what he said; he couldn't forgive himself.

Whenever Remus went out of his way to make Sirius feel better, it just seemed to backfire. Sirius felt even worse about bothering his friends with that. When he wasn't silent, he apologized profusely.

Sirius was a little dark puppy, always with his tail between his legs. He was ashamed of himself, he was sad.

Happiness was sort of like a muscle, Remus thought. If you didn't exercise it, then it atrophied, and it was harder to use. Sirius seemed to have forgotten completely what happiness was even like. Remus couldn't blame him, not with everything that had happened. But it made him sad that Sirius couldn't be happy. Which in turn made Sirius feel worse.

Remus suspected that Sirius was avoiding them. Yes, he had detention and Quidditch practice every night, plus mountains of homework. He claimed that he was busy, which was true enough. But Remus also knew that Sirius did every extra credit assignment offered, and often did extra work for no reason at all. It was a sure sign that he was trying to keep busy, trying to evade them.

Despite his suspicions, Remus didn't mention anything to Sirius. It would blow over, he figured, once everyone was acting normally again. Discussing this with Sirius would only make it worse.

A surprising source of strange behavior was Peter. He had clearly been feeling the tension that remained, particularly between James and Sirius. Peter talked more when he was worried about things, and he had been chattering nonstop whenever they were all together. Which actually seemed to be a good thing, as Sirius wasn't talking much, and James was in some sort of dark mood that prevented speech beyond a few words at a time.

That was perhaps the strangest thing of all. James, usually unable to dwell on any feeling for more than a few minutes at most, seemed to be completely unable to get over the anger he had felt that night.

To be fair, James had made an effort. He acted civilized. Or, as civilized as he could be and still be James. He didn't snap at people without due reason, for the most part, but he didn't talk much either, just sulked.

Remus found himself dreading situations that threw all of them together. It was too stressful. Every day at lunch he found himself worrying over Sirius and how thin he was, then immediately beginning to worry about James as he irritably shoved a plate of food at Sirius, then worrying some more about Sirius because he didn't argue, then worrying about Peter as he began to babble about something insignificant. He wanted Peter to stop worrying, James to stop being angry, and Sirius to stop feeling guilty. It was all a little too much.

If every day was a little too much, the night before the Quidditch match was a lot too much.

The enchanted ceiling showed slippery grey clouds that pressed down on them, tendrils of mist whispering a vague threat of rain in their ears. James cast a dark look at the ceiling as he and Sirius came in to dinner late from practice.

"If it rains tomorrow…" James muttered in a rather intimidating way.

"It won't matter if it does," Remus said.

"Why not?" James asked crankily.

"Because you all have practiced in every form of weather there is," Lily said soothingly. "You're ready."

"We had bloody well better be," James said, looking at Sirius.

"What?" Sirius asked, eyes wide.

"Eat," James said.

Sirius looked pained.

"I'm not going to have you passing out in the middle of the game tomorrow and costing us the match. Eat your bloody dinner," James growled.

"Thanks for your concern," Sirius mumbled under his breath, but did as he was told.

"What did you say?" James snapped.

"So, did you all hear about that Ravenclaw who got caught trying to break into the staff room?" Peter asked too brightly.

Remus sighed loudly, and everyone turned to look at him, surprised. He smiled sheepishly. "Sorry about that."

The three of them, minus Sirius who had detention, retired to their dormitory early that night. Once there, Remus read a book, Peter practiced silent spells, and James sat on his bed muttering plays.

They decided to sleep early, James stating that he needed to be rested for tomorrow's game. Peter's snores quickly filled the room, but Remus couldn't sleep. He lay flat on his back, staring up at the top of his four poster. He recalled that there had been a time when this bed had seemed like the most comfortable place in the world. There had been many a morning when he was reluctant to leave it. He even thought he could remember pledging his love to it in second year.

Yet, tonight it provided no comfort. The mattress was too soft, allowing his overly tense body to sink into it a little too much. The pillow was too fluffy. The sheets were covering him too completely.

He could not continue to watch his friends act strangely. It was frustrating. It was not healthy, not for any of them. He had to make it stop.

He flung his sheets to the side in quite a dramatic fashion, if he did say so, but the gesture was quickly dampened by the sight of most of the sheets landing on the cold floor. But he wouldn't stop to pick them up.

He stood right in the middle of the room, deciding. Before he had the chance to weigh the pros and cons of each, he was walking, as though hearing a silent whisper of his name.

James was sitting up in bed when Remus parted the curtains, looking up expectantly. Remus wondered if that silent whisper had been aloud, but no, it hadn't been, James was just also suffering from stress-induced insomnia.

"I can't bloody sleep, Moony," James whined. Remus climbed onto the end of the bed, swiftly casting a silencing charm around the bed.

He took a moment to really look at James, to make sure he hadn't changed this year as well. James sat with his legs crossed, pillow in his lap, tugging at a loose thread. His large hands moved delicately about the thread, twisting it through his fingers, looping it about itself. James' head was bent as though he was intent on the thread, his messy hair standing up all over.

"Why can't you sleep?" Remus asked once he realized James was not going to continue the topic on his own.

"I can't stop thinking," James said.

"What about?"

"I feel really…angry." Remus blinked. James never talked about how he felt.

"Why?"

"That's what I can't quit thinking about," James said. He bit his lip. "You know, I think I get how Sirius could do what he did now. I get how you can be so angry that you can't really think straight."

"What are you angry at?"

James laughed bitterly. "It'd be easier to tell you what I'm not angry at." He sighed. "I'm angry at Sirius still. I still can't believe he would do that."

Remus nodded. "You haven't forgiven him."

"Except I have, though!" James exclaimed. "Can't I forgive him and still be a little angry?"

"I don't think it works that way," Remus said slowly. "I think if you really forgave him, then you wouldn't be mad."

James thought. "I'm really not that mad about what he did, exactly, not anymore. I guess I'm mad at him for making me…making me feel so mad." He looked sheepish. "That's really stupid, isn't it?"

"No," Remus said. "Keep talking."

"I guess I sort of feel like we've lost him," James said carefully. "He isn't the same as he used to be. I guess I was really mad about what he did because it showed that."

"You and he had the same problem that night," Remus said. "You were both angry because you lost someone."

"Yeah," James said softly. "I guess so."

"Still mad?"

"I'm mad at his parents," James said. "I'm mad that they've hurt him so bad."

"Me too."

"It's like they've taken away who he used to be," James whispered. "And I miss him."

"He's still Sirius," Remus said.

James shook his head. "He isn't though. He used to be so sure of himself, really easy-going, you know? Now he's always worried about being perfect. He's not sure of anything."

Remus sighed. "Yes, that's true."

"And I'm angry about it. I'm so mad that he's starving himself and that he won't let us help him," James said. He punched his pillow roughly and Remus jumped. "Sorry," James said, eyes showing amusement.

"Oh, that's fine. Scare me to death and then a one word apology, yes, that will suffice," Remus said haughtily.

"You scare too easily, Moony," James said, grinning.

"I do not," Remus objected.

"Whatever."

"I don't!"

They were silent for a moment.

"You know what James?" Remus said. "I think you're not angry at Sirius."

"What?"

"I think you're frustrated with him, and with yourself, because he won't let you help him."

James frowned thoughtfully. "Yeah, that kind of sounds right. So what do I do about it?"

"What am I, your therapist?" Remus asked jokingly.

"Yes. Now, please, Dr. Lupin, tell me what I should do." James smiled to show he was kidding, but his hazel eyes were dead serious.

"You keep reminding yourself that you're doing your best. You're getting him to eat, which is a start, and he's trying, too. Maybe it's slow, but it's some sort of progress."

"I don't like slow."

"Yes, I realize that."

"Can I make it go faster?"

"It's not a broomstick, James."

"Damn, there's Quidditch tomorrow!"

Remus laughed. "I never thought I'd hear that sentence come out of your mouth."

"No, I mean, there's Quidditch tomorrow, er…" James squinted at his watch, "today, and I haven't slept!"

"Well, I'll let you get to that, then," Remus said, moving to leave.

"Hey, Moony?"

"Hmm?"

"Thanks. I don't feel quite so bad anymore," James said, grinning.

"Good. No problem."

Remus removed the silencing charm and returned to his own bed. He retrieved his sheets from the floor, where, sure enough, they had adopted all the chill from the stone. Nevertheless, he laid them over himself in his bed, pounding his pillow into a better shape to sleep on.

He smiled a little as he realized he no longer felt so tense. James' problems were always the simplest to fix. Not because they were less complicated than anyone else's, it just happened that James was more of a naturally happy person, and a simple assurance that things would get better was usually enough for him.

Remus cast a glance at Sirius' bed, at the small body that tossed fitfully as it slept. He only hoped that his assurance had been true.


	51. Chapter 51

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Fifty-One**

The morning of the Quidditch match dawned early; the sun peeking over the horizon was just a glimpse of the summer to come. The crimson sunrise promised warmth, but the air was still cool; Sirius could see his breath shivering in front of him as he ran.

He loped up the hill to the school once the sun thawed yellow and the sky began to paint blue. Sirius stopped on the front steps and turned back, looking out at the lake tugging gently at the land lining it, at the forest dancing a slow song in the light spring air. Today was a good day for Quidditch.

The hallways were empty, the soft squeak of his trainers splintering through the silence to echo on the stones around him. Portraits peered at him, but said nothing, looking away when he glanced at them. He listened for whispers behind his back.

Sirius whispered the password to the Fat Lady, not daring to ruin the perfect quiet that fell when his squeaking stopped. She didn't say a word, just swung open.

He slipped in to the dormitory, turning to quietly close the door behind him.

"Where've you been?" James demanded, and Sirius jumped.

"Blimey, James, give me a heart attack!" he exclaimed staring at James and trying to make his heart stop beating so hard. "I just went to see how the pitch looked."

"Same as it does every morning, I would surmise," Remus said mildly.

"No," Sirius said. "The ground is hard, good for kicking off, and it's going to be pretty warm, so we won't be completely frozen."

"Good!" James said loudly, and Sirius cringed.

"How can you be so loud, so early in the morning?" he asked delicately.

"It's not so early. And who cares how loud I'm being? We're all awake anyway."

"I would have appreciated another half hour of sleep," Peter called from the bathroom.

"There you go, you woke Peter," Sirius argued.

"Peter is louder than me when he's asleep, anyway," James said, "so you can't complain."

"I'm not complaining, I'm just asking –"

"Let's go to breakfast, shall we?" Remus said brightly, heading off continued discussion.

"But I wasn't complaining!" Sirius whined. Remus gave him a strange look. "Never mind," Sirius mumbled.

Once in the fairly crowded Great Hall, they found Lily and sat with her.

"Why're you always here before us?" James asked as he reached across Lily for the bacon.

"Don't reach across people, James. Ask for what you want," Lily reprimanded.

"Bacon."

"Don't grunt it. You're supposed to ask."

"Will you give me the bacon?"

"No." Lily crossed her arms and waited.

"Why not?"

"You weren't polite."

"I asked!"

"You forgot something."

James frowned, then his face lit up. "Please can I have the bacon?"

Lily handed it to him.

"Wow," Remus commented. "He's almost civilized."

"He's getting there," Lily conceded. "Not nearly as barbaric as he was. Honestly, Remus, I don't know how you let him get away with all of that."

"I'm sitting right here!" James protested loudly.

"You know, some people go out of their way to eavesdrop and find out what people think of them," Sirius commented. "You'll never have to."

James shook his head. "Guess not. Quit poking your food and eat it, yeah?"

"Oh. Right, sorry," Sirius mumbled.

"We're going to win today, I can feel it!" James enthused.

"Sure we will," Sirius agreed.

"How're you so sure?" Lily asked.

"Have you ever _seen_ us play?" James asked, pretending to be indignant. "We are superb, stupendous, stunning! And that's only the S's!"

"Astounding, amazing, astonishing!" Sirius added. "And that's only the A's!"

"If you lose, we're going to make fun of you forever," Remus warned.

"No, you won't," James said dismissively. "We'll be depressed, and you would never be so mean when we felt sad. I see right through that, Moony."

When breakfast was over, Sirius and James made their way down to the Quidditch pitch. The sky was slippery blue like a whirling Billywig, dusted with the finest particles of golden light. The slight breeze warbled over the wiggling blades of grass.

"It's perfect," James declared.

"Mhmm."

"Couldn't ask for better."

"Uh-huh."

"Phenomenal, even."

"Maybe we should go change," Sirius suggested lightly.

By the time the whole team had assembled, the burbling of the crowd could be heard through the walls of the locker room. James stood before his team, pacing.

"_This_ is it," he began dramatically. "_This_ is what we have worked for all year. The daily practices, playing through wind, rain, and snow, night and day, _this_ is what it was all building up to. _This_ has been the goal of every one of us in this room since they signed up for the team. We've worked for this. We've trained for it. We are _ready_ for this match.

"Now is the time, Gryffindors. It's time for our Chasers to go out there and dominate. For our Beaters to go out there and knock those bludgers into oblivion. For our Keeper to do whatever he has to in order to block their shots. And for me to find the Snitch before the other guy. Now is the time for us to go out there and _win._"

The team cheered loudly, grabbing their broomsticks and charging out onto the field.

"And here come the Gryffindors!" The announcer said as the crowd filled the stadium with its flood of approval.

The Slytherins were already on the field, lined up and facing the Gryffindor team. Sirius found himself looking up at a very burly fifth year.

"You're dead meat," the fifth year muttered. Sirius blinked then started laughing. The fifth year frowned and scratched his head dumbly. Sirius glanced down the line at where Regulus, the Slytherin seeker, stood, avoiding Sirius' eyes.

James shook hands with the Slytherin captain, crushing the other boy's hand before his own snitch-catching hand could be smashed.

"Mount your brooms. On my whistle. Three, two, one –"

Sirius kicked off hard, his broom skyrocketing up to the goal posts. He floated back and forth between them, testing the wind. It swayed him gently, weaving through his long hair, pushing it from his eyes. He was grateful.

"And Peverell with the Quaffle, soaring past Goyle, pass to Benson – Bludger! – and Benson dodges nicely – he's close enough now, just the Keeper left, can he do it –?"

The stands erupted as the Quaffle sailed through the hoop. "GRYFFINDOR SCORES!"

Sirius laughed happily, spotting James pumping his fist in the air.

"Slytherin in possession…" Sirius turned back to face the oncoming competition. A haziness of green robes pulled him in, getting closer and closer.

"Mulciber with the Quaffle," the announcer proclaimed. Sirius' stomach flipped and he felt he might fall off his broom. He gripped the handle until he felt like the bones of his hands were making ridges in the wood. His teeth snapped together, grinding.

"Mulciber swerves around Peverell, around Alderton, and he shoots –"

The world slowed down for an instant as flash of red closed in, winging towards the far right hoop. Sirius' focus shrank to the red and he flew forward, prying his hands from his broomstick, lunging forward right, adrenaline pounding into his head making him dizzy enough to not care if he fell.

He pulled his arms toward him, the hardness of the Quaffle knocking the breath from his lungs as he grabbed it. But he was tipped too far over, head still going down, down, down, as the pitch loomed up before him, every blade of grass distinguishing itself. He was sliding towards the end of his broomstick, slipping on the handle. His right hand shot out, snatching the hard wood, and steadying him, he continued over, upside down, and back up, all still so slow, and he was right-side up, heart screaming too much blood in his ears. He shook his head and the swimming, shaky world froze in place, before time sped up again and he could hear.

"AMAZING! Sirius Black makes a tremendous save – that one should go in the books, that full twisting flip-type thing –"

_Maybe with a better name_, Sirius thought, projecting the Quaffle at Benson.

"That was unbelievable!" James bellowed from just above him. Sirius looked up and grinned.

"Believe it, mate! What're you doing here? Go get the snitch!"

James zoomed off to the opposite end of the pitch and Sirius returned his focus to the game.

"Alderton in possession, pass to Peverell, ooh Bludger, Slytherin in possess– ah, no, Benson steals, and THAT WAS A PENALTY!" Sirius craned his neck to see Alderton trying to right himself on his broom as the burly fifth year looked on.

"And…yes, Madam Hooch has called a penalty. Benson takes the shot – and puts it away, no sweat. Gryffindor leads twenty to zero.

"Slytherin in possession, that's Mulciber again – ouch! Nasty bludger there from Longbottom – Benson with the Quaffle, and oh, look out!"

A Slytherin swooped in on either side of Benson, squashing him between the two and then shoving him back and forth. Sirius heard Benson yell something and then saw a blur of scarlet as the Quaffle was dropped, falling…into the hands of Justin Peverell.

"Peverell catches the Quaffle, passes to Alderton, back to Peverell, Alderton, Peverell, Benson – Yaxley steals! Slytherin in possession!" Sirius stomach did another uncomfortable somersault.

"He's past the Gryffindor Chasers, almost to the goal posts and –" Sirius lost the announcer's words in the throbbing of his blood in his ears as the Quaffle pulled in his focus. It was held firmly under a green-sleeved arm, coming right at him, it was slinging to the side…and it was going at the left goal hoop, too close already, he threw himself toward it but he wasn't close enough, not yet, he stretched, legs pulling the broom to the side as his hands called to the Quaffle, he wasn't going to make it…

Sirius let his broom loose a little, pushing off of it to fling himself from it and at the Quaffle, feeling the resistance under his hands as he caught it. He was far off his broomstick, far too far, in danger of falling really. He was going to be looking up at it soon and it would be too late. He wrapped his legs around it tighter, trying to get it closer, and there it was, but he was sideways, which wasn't right. His right hand grabbed at it but he couldn't pull himself up, he needed both.

A blur of red tickled his peripheral vision and he lobbed the Quaffle at it, hoping it would understand. His left hand reunited with the smooth handle and he pulled himself up, gasping for breath.

"Another amazing save! Score is twenty-nothing Gryffindor!"

"Are you bloody mad?" James yelled at him. "You practically jumped off your broom!"

"I did not!" Sirius argued. "And you're the one who said I was to do whatever I had to!"

"I didn't mean to bloody kill yourself!"

"Find the snitch and we won't have this problem!" Sirius retorted.

"And Slytherin back in possession –"

"Don't do anything stupid this time, Sirius!" James warned.

The next shot was a simple one, right at the middle hoop, and he grabbed it easily, tossing the Quaffle to Benson, who streaked down the pitch and scored.

"Gryffindor is now up thirty to nothing! They are on fire!"

Sirius flew back and forth around the hoops. He felt weightless, effortlessly airborne on the tiniest hint of a breeze.

"Gryffindor in possession, that's Alderton, dodging a bludger, swerving around Mulciber, and – GRYFFINDOR SCORES! Gryffindor up forty to nothing!

"Slytherin in possession, Yaxley – and do we have a snitch sighting?"

Sirius looked away from Mulciber for only a moment, finding James where he dove at the Slytherin end of the pitch, Regulus dead even with him. Sirius tore his eyes away, back up to see the Quaffle zinging through the air at the far goal post. He flattened himself to the broom handle, shooting toward it as fast as he could as the announcer's voice shrieked in his ears.

"Mulciber shoots, Black can't make this save, no way –"

_No, no, no!_ Sirius' own mind screamed. _Faster!_ He flung himself toward on the broom's handle, the air crushed from his lungs but that hardly mattered, his arms stretching, just a couple inches more –

The Quaffle impacted only his fingertips as he dove forward, just barely glancing off, safely away from the goal hoop as he toppled from his broom, only his left hand still grasping it.

He heard the crowd gasp, the announcer yelling, as he concentrated on not falling. Sirius carefully swayed himself a little, right hand catching the broom. He swung a little more, then right back onto his broom to the sound of tumultuous applause. Sirius could barely breathe.

"BLACK SAVES! POTTER CATCHES THE SNITCH! GRYFFINDOR WINS ONE HUNDRED NINETY TO NONE!"

Sirius landed as quickly as he could, nearly losing his balance as he tried to walk again, James catching his arm.

"You played a bloody brilliant game, mate," James said, helping hold him up as Sirius shook from too much adrenaline. "But if you ever do that again –"

Sirius nodded, panting. "Fair enough."

James laughed, slapping him on the back. Sirius grinned widely as the rest of the team mobbed them, everyone jumping up and down, screaming and celebrating.

Dumbledore, in his sweeping robes of majestic violet, stepped out onto the field, carrying the huge silver Quidditch Cup.

He presented it to James as the Gryffindors swarmed the field, and James held it high. "Yes! Yes!"

Sirius looked up Dumbledore, catching the look of pride in his eye. He smiled, then punched James' shoulder. James pulled the trophy down, taking one handle as Sirius took the other.

"GO GRYFFINDOR!"


	52. Chapter 52

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Fifty-Two**

Remus hovered at the edge of the common room, watching a cacophony erupt from the crowd as Sirius and James entered. Girls shrieked, guys yelled and whistled.

James and Sirius were grinning. Stepping to the side, Sirius flourished his arms, present James, who bowed. James then presented Sirius, who bowed as well. Everyone laughed and clapped.

"What are we all standing around for?" Sirius yelled.

"Bring on the party!" James shouted.

Music throbbed intensely, the bass causing towers of books stacked along the edges of the room to shimmy back and forth, sending loose papers drifting like confetti. Someone put a charm on the lights, making them change colours and flash on and off. _What a useless charm. All it's good for is giving someone a seizure_, Remus thought, shaking his head.

Apparently everyone else was having quite a good time, though. People started dancing, and there was a mob around the table someone had set up for food.

However, all Remus wanted to do was go upstairs and get away from the noise. He was happy they won, of course he was, but he had little interest in partying.

"Let's find James and Sirius!" he shouted to Peter over the music. Peter looked somewhat confused, but nodded his agreement.

The two wound their way through the masses of Gryffindors trying in vain to detect their friends amongst the throng of dark figures in the dim lighting. He was under the distinct impression that some of these kids must be in other houses, because there could not be that many Gryffindors. Remus quickly decided to look for James, as he was taller should be easier to spot.

"Do you see them?" Peter yelled.

"No – Yes, there's James!" Remus replied, pointing. They pushed through the crowd until they reached him.

"Moony! Wormtail!" James yelled delighted.

"Good match!" Remus complimented.

"Thanks!" Sirius said, joining them. "Prongs, look what I've been given!" He hefted a bottle of clear liquid.

"Excellent!" James took it from him, pulling the top off and taking a swig.

Sirius took the bottle back and took a drink himself.

"You really shouldn't drink after each other," Remus warned.

"Oh, lighten up, Remus!" James said. "Learn to party!"

Remus shook his head, smiling. "I think I'm going to go upstairs."

"What? No, Moony, don't go!" Sirius beseeched him.

"Yeah, let's stay!" Peter said.

"C'mon, Remus!" James said, taking another drink from the bottle Sirius had brought.

"Oh, all right," Remus said, grinning. "Now, what is that?"

Sirius took the bottle and took a long gulp. "Firewhiskey. Want some?" He offered the bottle.

"Uh, no, thanks. You know, you really shouldn't drink that. You're underage; if you get caught, you might be suspended. Not to mention alcohol impairs judgment and –"

"You sound like a textbook," Sirius accused. "Drink and be merry, for tonight we have won the Quidditch cup!"

"Yeah!" James cheered.

"Where's Lily?" Peter asked.

"Dunno." James frowned, looking around. "Eh, she'll turn up eventually. Sirius, pass the – oh, thanks."

"Lily would be mad if she saw you drinking that," Remus said.

"Best not let her see then, eh?" James finished the bottle and tossed it over to the side. "There, no problem."

"This is going to be a really long night, isn't it?" Remus asked Peter.

Peter shrugged. "Could be fun."

Remus and Peter moved back to the fringes of the crowd. Remus watched James continue to drink firewhiskey, and as Sirius found a girl to make out with. It was all so ridiculous, he thought. For one, James was going to be absolutely impossible later, and Remus was going to have to try to convince him to go to bed. At least Sirius had been bright enough to stop drinking before he got totally drunk. Although Remus was pretty sure Sirius didn't even know the girl he was kissing.

"Sometimes I really wish I was like him," Peter said suddenly.

"Who?" Remus asked, looking over at him. He followed Peter's wistful gaze over to James. "James?"

"Yeah," Peter sighed.

"Why?"

"Well, look at him!" Peter ordered.

"I see a guy who is very drunk and is going to be in a great deal of pain tomorrow. And probably a good bit of trouble with his girlfriend, too."

"At least he has a girlfriend," Peter muttered. "None of the rest of us do."

"I wasn't aware that we were looking for one," Remus said mildly. "But why don't you ask someone to dance?"

Peter looked at him wide-eyed. "Why would I do that?"

Remus shrugged. "Why not?"

"I'll only do it if you do," Peter said.

"I don't dance," Remus said. "Just go ask someone."

"I can't."

"Sure you can. Look, that girl there. Go ask," Remus ordered. She was a pretty girl, with long brown hair. Peter cast Remus an uncertain look before making his way over to her.

Remus watched in amusement as Peter awkwardly asked the girl to dance, grinning as she said yes. Peter looked at Remus and smiled widely. Remus nodded his approval.

This party was unending, Remus decided. The lighting was driving him crazy, each sudden burst of it scorching his retinas, leaving him seeing spots in the resulting darkness that strained his eyes. The lights were Gryffindor colours. The scarlet drenched everything in photon blood; the gold was like looking into the sun. The music swirled around him, pounding every inch of his body with the force of a solid object. Remus rubbed his eyes tiredly, resisting the urge to put his hands over his ears.

He looked at his watch, squinting, bringing it very close to him. He had the idea that if anyone saw him now, they would think he was doing a microscopic investigation of the inner workings of his watch, rather than just attempting to read it.

It was almost eleven already, a perfectly good time to leave. He scanned the rippling mass of the crowd, looking for someone familiar.

Peter was still dancing with that girl and, Remus noted, both looked quite happy. He would leave them alone.

Sirius had moved on from the first girl and was chatting up another. Remus made his way toward him.

"Sirius!" he yelled when he was close enough.

Sirius turned around, speaking in a low voice. "Rem, you are not helping my chances, here."

"You'll find another if this one doesn't work out," Remus said, smiling at the girl. She couldn't hear him.

Sirius sighed loudly, turning back to blonde girl. "Just a minute, okay?" She scowled, but nodded. Sirius looked back at Remus. "Yes?"

"I want to go to bed."

Sirius raised his eyebrows. "And you need me to tuck you in?"

"No. Keep an eye on James, would you?"

"Why, what's wrong with him?" Sirius looked over through the crowd, quickly spotting James. "Oh, that. Yeah, I'll watch him."

"Right. Thanks."

"Uh-huh." Sirius' attention was already back on the blonde. Remus rolled his eyes and made his way towards the staircase, feeling that he was at least relieved of that responsibility.

"Hey." Lily caught his arm.

"Oh, hi."

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"Bed," Remus said.

"Already? Not in the mood for partying?"

"Never."

Lily laughed. "I'm not much for it either. And it's not like James cares if I'm here." She looked over at him.

"Aren't you going to yell at him or something?" Remus asked.

"Not until tomorrow," she replied.

"Why not?"

"It'll hurt more if I wait til tomorrow." She smiled evilly. "No, really, I don't mind too much if he gets drunk, as long as he doesn't do anything too stupid."

"Sirius is watching him."

"Oh, I feel so much better now," Lily said sarcastically. "No, I'm sure he'll be fine."

"Yeah, he will. Right, I'm going to bed."

"Good night."

As it turned out, the dormitory was much too loud to sleep in. The bass knocked dully on the stones of the floor; the lighter objects groaned as they shivered against the floor. Remus changed out of his robes, then flopped onto his bed with a book.

It was about half past eleven when Peter came in, looking quite happy. He didn't say much, just got into bed and stared at the hangings of his four poster with a goofy grin.

At around midnight, the door opened again, and awkward shuffling footsteps pulled Remus from his book to see Sirius putting a great deal of effort into supporting James, who was swaying back and forth, despite Sirius' tight grip on him.

"Is he okay?" Remus asked.

"Oh, yeah," Sirius said as nonchalantly as he could while being crushed by too much weight. "Just had a bit too much firewhiskey. Right, James?"

James laughed. "And did you see how I caught the snitch? It was so great, I was…" James babbled on as Sirius maneuvered both of them towards James' bed.

"Do you need help?" Remus asked.

"Nope," Sirius grunted. "I got him."

"Did he do anything stupid?"

"Nothing more than usual." Sirius slung James onto his bed, straightening up, panting.

"Why aren't you as drunk as he is?" Remus asked, frowning.

Sirius began to untie James' shoes. "'Cause I knew when to quit. Maybe I'm not totally sober, but I'm not completely trashed, either. Learn to balance, right James?"

"I don't feel good," James moaned. Sirius looked at him, then jumped back quickly as James leaned over and threw up.

"Great," Sirius muttered. "Uh, Moony? You know that cleaning spell you do?"

Remus fumbled for his wand in his bedside table. He waved it and the mess was gone.

"Thanks," Sirius said, looking back at James. "Feel better now?"

James nodded slightly, eyes closed. "Tired…" Sirius sighed and pulled a blanket over James, then got a glass of water and put it on his bedside table.

"So, Peter," Sirius began conversationally as he rummaged through his trunk. "Who was the girl?"

"Her name is Rebecca," Peter said happily. "We're going to Hogsmeade together next weekend."

"Congratulations," Sirius said, before disappearing into the bathroom to change.

"See, I told you," Remus said, once he was sure Sirius couldn't hear.

Peter nodded.

Quite abruptly, the music stopped. Remus and Peter looked at each other, relieved. "What do you suppose ended it?" Remus asked, just as Sirius emerged from the bathroom.

"Reckon McGonagall found the player. I got James and left when I saw her come in," Sirius said, lying on his bed. "Good thing, though. I'm really tired."

"No wonder, after the game you played today," Remus said. "You played quite well."

"Thanks," Sirius mumbled, punching his pillow into the right shape. "I'm glad we won."

They all fell silent for a few minutes.

"I'm going to turn out the light, okay?" Remus asked softly.

There was no answer. Sirius and Peter were already asleep.


	53. Chapter 53

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Fifty-Three**

_The whispers haunt him. They thread around him, tying him up in a net. _

_"Worthless."_

_"Stupid."_

_"Fat."_

_"Disappointment."_

_"Disgrace."_

_They smirk at him, push at him, whirl about him, dancing in circles, kicking up dust from the intricate carpet that covers a million galleons worth of dark magic. _

_"Weak."_

_"Pathetic." _

_The door creaks menacingly, lurching awkwardly into the room, shielding the newcomer from view. The rusted door knob wriggles as a hand remains clenched around it, warping it. _

_"SIRIUS!" The bellow shakes the room, furniture legs chirping like crickets against the floor, happily laughing at him as the ceiling sprays him with dust and the floor reels so violently that he pitches forward, hands out in front of him, the wooden boards clawing at his palms, a loose nail sinking its teeth in. _

_Sharp, echoing footsteps knife into his ears, the floor vibrating with the force, lungs being crushed by the weight of boots. _

_His hair being pulled, neck straining back, blurriness dancing at the edges of his vision around Orion. Large, firm features surrounded by neat, dark hair. Perfect statue, but not the eyes, they reach out flaming fingers of hate, paralyzing. _

_A fleshy blur and the rings connect. Silver, family crest; gold, wedding band; diamond, just for status; onyx, just for pain. _

_Sirius coughs and sees red, his own red, slicking his lips, dribbling down his chin to pool on the beaten floorboards. It smears on his fingers red-orange, like the colour of the sky when the sun dips below the turrets of Hogwarts on a clear fall day. _

_Arm twists tight, up and up until he is wobbling unsteadily on trainers with no traction on a floor that refuses to hold him. _

_Lightning scorches, shadows hiss. With the crack of thunder is the snap of an unfurled belt, and the liquid red glides across his death-white skin. The leather shrieks again as it taints his skin, but he won't speak. No, he can't speak. The whispers are choking him. _

_Again, again, again, again, and his father doesn't tire. A boot, a belt, a ring, it all comes out the same red. _

_He lays still looking up, watching the electricity burn through the ceiling, the water drips down on his cheeks. The atmosphere pushes in. His chest does not rise or fall. He plays dead. The full moon howls its wolf song. _

_Raised to his feet, shoulders crushed in hands too large, he watches as Orion's face is carved away. The nose more defined, the jaw more square, the hair longer, the eyes embers of wrath from Sol. _

_James' teeth clench, mouth forms a line, eyes determined, and the words draw out. _

_"I hate you," he rumbles, and Sirius falls. The floorboards don't catch him, no wand, nor broomstick, nothing could save him, as the darkness slinks in, spiraling around him and binding him tight as his friend soars higher and higher. _

_"I'm sorry!" His vocal cords whine out of tune. "I'm sorry, please, please I'm sorry!"_

_"Sirius…" It pulses at him from every direction, and he twists away from its grasp, in on himself. "Sirius…Sirius!"_

"Sirius!"

"No!" The word raged its way out of him as his eyes tore open and settled on the face of Remus. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Remus whispered, pulling him close. Sirius shook so hard he felt dizzy, and he wrapped his arms tight around his friend, trying to anchor himself.

When Sirius was still and Remus let go, Sirius wiped the sticky remnants of tears from his cheeks.

"You okay now?" Remus asked, and Sirius coughed out a 'yes.' His stomach still churned and his eyes still saw blood, but he was fine, just fine.

Remus sat on the end of his bed, and Sirius sat in the middle, blankets wrapped too tight around him, strangling.

"Have you been having that nightmare much?"

He shook his head, hard.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Sirius shook his head again, looking away.

"Why aren't you talking?"

"Sorry. Sorry I woke you up."

"Don't worry about that, I don't mind. I just worry about you."

"Don't. It's over now." Sirius untangled himself and got out of bed. "What time is it?"

"Almost four," Remus answered, still sitting on the bed. "Aren't you going to go back to sleep?"

"I'm not tired," Sirius said quickly.

"Oh." Remus frowned. "What are we going to do then?"

"No, Moony, you should sleep," Sirius protested. "You don't have to get up early."

"But then what would you do?"

"Go for a run, or do some homework, or something," Sirius muttered, looking around for jeans. "I can entertain myself."

"You sure?" Remus asked, suppressing a yawn. "I'll stay up if you want me to."

"No, go back to sleep. I'm sorry I woke you up."

"It's fine." Remus stood up and stretched, then shuffled sleepily back towards his bed. He turned back to Sirius halfway there, running a hand through his hair and making it stand on end. "Hey, whatever you do, you should try to be back by the time Lily comes in to yell at James. It'll be a good show."

"Don't let her start without me," Sirius smiled, and Remus nodded.

He changed quickly and hurriedly left the dormitory. He got to the Quidditch pitch undeterred, but couldn't bring himself to start running. Instead he sat in the stands.

Sirius still felt shaky, like he might just collapse if he did anything too strenuous. His breaths were wobbly and uncertain, like he was new at the whole lung functioning thing. He held out his hands in front of him, watching the fingers trembling over the soft denim of his jeans. His hands bent into fists, fingernails stinging palms. Now his hands were solidly still.

He could have told Remus he had been having that dream every night for weeks. Remus would've understood. He faced his own demons. And then Remus would have walked with him down to the hospital wing to ask for a Dreamless Sleep potion, and that would've been that. He wouldn't be sitting in the stands, yawning and shivering.

Sirius watched the silky pitch sky, as the starry specks throbbed gently, happy to glitter a million miles from anything. He wished he could be happy being so alone.

Eventually it lightened, to the navy blue of the darkest lake, and then lounging violet at the horizon out over the water. He watched as purple stained the lake like paint, and as the sky filtered to pink and golden. He watched as fiery drops of sunlight chattered across the rippling blue skin of the water, feeling the splashes of molten light on his skin.

It would be a beautiful day, he thought, despite the stormy night he'd had. He knew the sun would eagerly stretch its way across the azure haze, even as his mind conjured tornados and hail.

Feathery fragments of his nightmare floated deftly about the corners of his mind like cobwebs hunting for a spider. No matter how hard he shook his head, the dust never unsettled itself.

Just yesterday he had been happy. Truly happy. Glad to help his friend when in need, glad to be the hero of Gryffindor again. Glad to know that this was one thing his father couldn't take from him.

But he had. Oh, yes, he had.

* * *

**A/N:** Hey everybody. First of all, sorry I haven't been replying to reviews, but all my teachers went crazy on the homework this week, and I barely had time to write a chapter. Secondly, I hate to tell you this, but I'm heading out on a trip tonight, and I'm going to be without a computer for a couple of weeks. So, no updates for a while. But please, review this chapter and tell me what you thought, because I'll answer everything when I get back. And also when I get back, the one chapter a day will continue. Anyways, back in two weeks!


	54. Chapter 54

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Fifty-Four**

A Sunday of homework was the price to pay for a Saturday of party. Remus spread out his work across his bed, having no desire to venture into the noise-laden crescendo of the common room.

He had found a method long ago for doing a lot of homework. It was actually quite simple. He put all his Transfiguration homework to his left, the Charms next to that, Potions next to that, Defense Against the Dark Arts next to that, and so on. When one subject's pages fatigued, he looked to the next. It kept him focused.

Remus' quill slicked ink across the page in his focused script, arcing into the delicate spires of perfect cursive lettering. He loved the look of his writing on the page, of his thoughts etched permanently.

He paused for a moment to think. Remus hated crossing things out. He liked to think things through. He glanced over at Peter, who lounged on his bed, humming distractedly. Remus suppressed a grin.

He looked over to see Sirius folded like origami on the floor, amidst a scattering of parchment and books. Even with his books, he took up little space, making sure not to block the floor, should anyone decide they had a desperate need to get to the empty corner behind him.

James was sprawled across his bed, crushing it beneath him, intent even in unconsciousness to show the furniture who was boss. The dominant gesture was subtly ruined by the drool.

"Moony," Sirius called softly. "What year was that one goblin rebellion?"

"Are you kidding? There have been goblin rebellions almost every year. Can you be more specific?"

"It had that guy, uh…something the brave or ferocious or something," Sirius muttered, leafing through his notes.

"Oh, yes, I know exactly what you're talking about."

"Really?" Sirius looked up, raising his eyebrows as though waiting to be enlightened.

"No, of course not," Remus said, rolling his eyes.

Sirius made an annoyed sound and went back to his notes.

The door's hinges screamed open, the wood crushing into the stone. "James!"

James groaned gutturally and put his arms over his head. Fiery red hair caught the light as Lily marched across the room to his bed. She hauled the pillow from beneath is head. "Rise and shine."

James moaned loudly, a wordless complaint. His eyes were practically bolted closed. Lily took stock, and then with one fluid motion stripped the blankets from the bed.

"Give…mine," James muttered into his arms.

"Nope," Lily said cheerily. "Shan't. Mine now."

Sirius swallowed back a laugh as James's gaze poked out from between his hands, through only one eye. He looked surprising surly with only one eye.

"Up, James," Lily sang with false bravado. James glared a Cyclops glare and shook his head, then winced. "Hurts, doesn't it? That'll teach you to stay out all night drinking."

"You are my girlfriend," James said thickly into the mattress as he put his face down flat onto it and tried to sink through into his bed.

"Yes. What's your point?"

"Aren't you supposed to be _nice_ to me when I feel bad?" he grumbled.

"I don't know, am I?" Lily asked loftily, raising her eyebrows.

"You were nice to _him_." James loosely pointed in Sirius' direction, and then groaned at the movement.

"Don't whine, James," Lily said.

"But I'm _sick_." He drew the words into a pathetic noise something akin to the sound of an ailing ghoul.

"You're hung-over," Sirius observed.

"You shut up," James snapped. "Oh, my head."

"Oh poor baby," Lily said in mock concern. "Here, let me make it all better."

"You are all horrible," James informed them, looking up briefly. "I would get up and leave, but I think if I move I'll throw up."

"I'm sorry," Lily said softly. She sat down next to him and rubbed circles on his back. "Better?"

"Yes," James conceded, relaxing again.

"Ah, to be Quidditch royalty," Remus sighed, looking back at his homework.

They all continued working, save for James, who looked as though he was going back to sleep, and Lily, who continued to sit with him.

"Hey, Moony, what's that one thing about Uric the Oddball and a Fwooper?" Sirius asked, looking up from his parchment.

"I don't think that's something relevant to your essay, Sirius," Remus said, raising his eyebrows.

"Well, how will I know unless you tell me?"

Remus sighed. "Fwoopers are said to drive people insane with their singing. But Uric the Oddball thought that the song was beneficial to health, and so he listened to it nonstop for three months."

"That bloke was mad," Sirius muttered.

"Yes, that's what the Wizard's Council thought when he turned up to report his findings wearing nothing but a toupee which, upon closer inspection, was actually a dead badger."

Sirius snorted with laughter.

"Did that help your essay?" Remus asked.

"Not at all," Sirius said, looking back at his paper and writing furiously.

"What are you writing about?" Lily asked.

"Uh, well, it's sort of about how a lot of things in history have been discovered because of false assumptions."

Lily nodded. "Pretty good topic. What do you have?"

"Thanks to Uric the Oddball, we know for a fact that Fwoopers will drive you insane, because he falsely assumed that everyone was actually wrong about that. And also thanks to Uric, we know that Augreys don't predict death, because he assumed he was dead and kept walking into walls."

"Didn't he also wear a jellyfish as a hat?" Remus commented.

"I think so," Sirius said. "But I couldn't relate that to my essay."

"You know," Peter said. "I reckon a jellyfish would make an awful hat."

"Why?"

"The point of a hat is to keep your head dry, right? What's the point if your hat is a slimy, wet jellyfish?"

"You'd think it would have stung him," Lily added.

"D'you think he had a real last name, or did his parents just realize he was going to an oddball right off the bat?" Sirius threw in.

"I reckon there are an awful lot of questions concerning Uric the Oddball," Remus said. "But please, I'm trying to read about Ancient Runes."

They fell silent, all beginning their work again, as Remus considered that it was all they seemed to do anymore.

Sirius yawned widely, and Remus cast a look at him. "Did you ever go back to sleep this morning?"

"Not really, no," Sirius said nonchalantly. "But don't worry; I'm really not that tired."

Remus scrutinized him for a moment, taking in the dark smudges under his eyes, the paleness of his skin. "You look tired."

"Haven't been sleeping too well," Sirius admitted. "But it isn't a big deal."

"You know another person who isn't sleeping well?" James demanded loudly from his bed. "Me! Will you two bloody shut up?"

Sirius smirked. "Got a bit of a headache, Prongs?"

"A bit of a headache, he says," James muttered. "A bit of a headache. Tell me, Pads, you ever had your head run over by the Knight Bus?"

"No," Sirius said, stifling a laugh. James gave him a purely lethal look.

"Do you purposely make the pitch of your laugh so _grating_? It's like the scream of a bloody banshee!"

"I'm sorry that the tone of my laugh offends you," Sirius said. "Perhaps you recall the last time I was hung-over, and you wandered around the dormitory whistling the highest notes you could reach!"

"I don't remember any such thing," James said haughtily. "Though I do recall the day you sang the school song in falsetto at five the morning after a party!"

"I don't recall that," Sirius said stiffly. "But I do recall the time you woke me up jumping on my bed, and then yelled when I got sick on you."

"Well, that's understandable," James justified. "Who wants to be covered in your dinner?"

"The point was that you _made_ me do it!" Sirius emphasized.

"You're doing that loud thing with your voice again, Sirius. Stop it."

"Admit you were wrong for yelling at me."

"No."

"Admit it."

"No."

Sirius frowned, and then his eyes lit up. He opened his mouth, and Remus heard the most awful sound he had ever heard in his life.

"_Hogwarts Hogwarts hoggy warty Hogwarts!"_

"Stop!" James moaned, covering his ears. "Stop!"

"Not until you admit it!" Sirius said, and then continued singing as Remus bit his lip, trying to keep from bursting out laughing.

_"Teach us something please_

_Whether we be old and bald_

_Or young with scabby knees!"_

"Okay, okay! I was wrong to yell at you!" James exclaimed.

"And?" Sirius demanded.

"And what?" James asked desperately.

_"Our brains could do with filling_

_With some interesting stuff_

_For now they're bare and full of air_

_dead flies and bits of -- "_

"And I'm sorry!" James yelled, breaking in.

"Thank you," Sirius said politely, then picked up his quill and kept writing.


	55. Chapter 55

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Fifty-Five**

People always said that time wasn't a solid construct. Units of time are man-made, in increments that, as far as Sirius was concerned, were quite pointless. What was the significance of sixty? Why wasn't it in increments of one hundred, like so many other things?

People say that time is not solid. They don't ever mention that time is contemptuous.

In the odd seconds Sirius had to spare at the end of May and beginning of June, he found himself wondering what had made time so cruel. It was, after all, the reason he had so little time to contemplate it. He wondered if time did that on purpose.

The fact was, when Sirius dreaded something, like going home for summer, time burned rubber to bring him closer to the eventual destination. When he had too much to do, time spun out of control at the speed of light to his deadlines. Which was funny, because time is meant to go at the speed of time, not the speed of light. But what was the speed of time, anyway? It always changed.

As finals began catching up with him, Sirius found that time sped up exponentially. Suddenly, the evenings were barely long enough to do his homework and get in a chapter of reading. Quite abruptly he found himself up until one or two every morning trying to finish everything. The light dodged particles of dust in the air to impact the pages of his book and refract into his tired eyes, making them ache that much more. A constant pressure was building up just behind his eyes, pushing back into his brain, squashing it, leaving no space for the information he read. His wand felt too polished in his hand, despite the fact that he could see smudged prints coating it. He couldn't hold on to it tight enough to point it where he wanted it to go. His eyes hurt too much to find a target.

When he finally lay down to sleep, his nightmares tortured him, slicing into his mind to take control, laying waste to the idea that he might get some real rest. He was trapped for days, feeling the lashing of his father's belt, the trilling of blood on his skin. Everything in slow motion, everything that much more painful. He awoke to find it had only been two hours. Days of hateful scorn in two hours. Yes, time was contemptuous.

If Sirius didn't charm his books to read to him while he ran, he would never finish his review. Or he would never run. But the latter wasn't an option. There was something so perfectly relaxing about watching the sun's graceful conquering of the sky while his muscles strained and his breath shuddered. He couldn't give it up.

Sirius told his friends as much when they told him that he needed to quit. Exercise isn't bad at all.

"Losing too much weight is," James had responded, pushing some scrambled eggs at him.

Sirius had obediently eaten three bites, then vanished the rest once his paper had arrived.

Classes were mainly review now, few new things taught, and the classes crawled on slowly, starving from lack of interest. Even the teachers were bored, though they tried to sound severe.

Lunch was skipped in favor of the library, which, though full to bursting, was deathly silent. The only sounds were hushed whispers with all the seriousness of a funeral party. It allowed him to get things done.

James yelled at him for skipping lunch, and though he only had five minutes each day to do so, those five minutes allowed an hour's lecturing, all to punish Sirius. He tried to look remorseful, though he knew he'd do the same the next day, and the day after that, until finals were over and then he would have no excuse.

Afternoon classes trudged in much the same way as the morning classes, and then came an hour of study time before dinner, which Sirius worked through. But he didn't come back to the common room until the library closed, so at least he could put off the lecture. Though time did propel it ever closer.

A lecture cut off by Sirius' own sharp declaration of his state of business, and he was back to work, with time zipping merrily along. And so the cycle started over.

Every student in the school looked rather exhausted. Dark circles under the eyes were no longer a sign neither of being a vampire nor of being a chronic insomniac. A generally stressed expression was considered normal. Girls wore their hair in messy ponytails and their makeup was minimal at best. Boys forgot to have their robes washed; stains and wrinkles were apparent. Shoes went untied as did ties. Few got detention.

Thus, Sirius felt somewhat undeserving of Remus' assertion that he looked ill. So did everyone else, he had pointed out.

"Not as badly," Remus said. "Have you lost more weight?"

Probably, Sirius had concluded. He'd had to take up some of his precious study time to look up the spell his mother used to shrink clothes, before he had a horrifically embarrassing moment.

"No," was his formal answer. James looked suspicious, but left it alone when he accidentally set fire to his textbook.

Time lurched forward to the night before the first exams, which found the Marauders intensely practicing charms and reading magical theory.

Sirius scanned, for the fifth time, his notes on the "finite incantatem" spell. James muttered under his breath, something regarding "useless, pointless silent spells." Remus turned the pages of his textbook every thirty seconds, so fast was he reading. Lily practiced the _aguamenti_ charm. Peter looked on the verge of tears.

Slowly, the common room began to clear out. James was the first of their group to go.

"I can't take it anymore!" he yelled, snapping his book shut as though intent on squashing the words right off the page.

Lily raised her eyebrows. "Then go to bed."

"Sirius, coming?" James asked.

"No," Sirius mumbled, still reading intently.

"Moony? Wormtail?"

"Go ahead," Remus said, waving one hand.

"I guess I might as well," Peter sighed. "It's not like I'm going to learn anymore in the next hour."

The two of them disappeared up to the dormitory.

Lily left within the hour, rubbing her eyes, wishing them good luck.

"Don't need it," Sirius said.

"He means thanks," Remus said quickly.

Lily laughed. "Thanks for the translation. Good night."

It was midnight before Remus or Sirius moved again.

"We should go to bed," Remus said finally, standing up to stretch, wincing at the stiffness of his neck, from bending to squint at a textbook for hours.

"You go ahead," Sirius said softly, refusing distraction.

"It's midnight," Remus said. "No, actually, it's a quarter after. You should go to bed."

"Not tired."

"Yes you are, I can tell. You only play with your tie when you're tired," Remus stated.

"That's kind of creepy that you know that, Moony," Sirius responded, dropping his hand into his lap.

"Nevertheless," Remus said. "C'mon. Staying up all night definitely won't help you."

"It won't matter," Sirius said. "It's not like I'll sleep much anyway."

"Still having nightmares?" Remus asked, frowning.

"Yeah, they started up again," Sirius said, squinting at his own handwriting. "Can you read that?"

"It looks like…no, I can't read it. Just give up, Sirius. We'll go get you a Dreamless Sleep Potion, and then we can sleep."

"No potion," Sirius said. "You go ahead."

"Why not take the potion? You need rest before exams."

"That potion tastes awful," Sirius murmured.

"So what?"

Sirius scowled at him. "I don't want it. I'll be up in a while, okay?"

"Fine," Remus sighed, trekking up the stairs.

Sirius didn't retire until after two. By the time he got into bed and settled, he was exhausted.

Yet, his mind was roiling with thoughts. Incantations rested on his lips, diagrams veiled his eyes. A whispered threat hovered in his ear. _You'll be sorry if you don't bring home good marks._

He tossed and turned, biting his lip hard to keep from yelling in frustration. His friends probably wouldn't appreciate that.

Sirius practiced wand movements, though with only his wandless hand. He murmured incantations to himself, to be sure of pronunciation.

His curtains ratcheted to the side of his bed and Remus was looming over him.

"Here," he said, pushing a goblet towards Sirius. Sirius sat up and looked at it.

"I didn't hear you leave," he whispered.

Remus shrugged.

Sirius took the goblet of crystallized blue potion. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Good luck tomorrow."

"And you."

Remus returned to his bed. Sirius looked at the goblet again, then drained it of Dreamless Sleep Potion.


	56. Chapter 56

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Fifty-Six**

Exams were the bane of James Potter's existence. He hated the feeling of insecurity walking into a classroom, facing a teacher ready to judge, not knowing what to expect. He hated the feeling of his wand vibrating in his hand as though it longed to soar across the room at the professor and guarantee him a failing grade. James absolute loathed the lack of confidence he felt when he went into an exam.

Of course he would never admit that to anyone. Not to Lily, whom he had seen cry after an exam because she didn't know the answer to one question. Not to Sirius, whom he had seen throw up before exams in earlier years, out of sheer nervousness. Not to Peter, who barely managed to pass his tests. And most definitely he would never tell Remus, who seemed to pass every test with ease.

The last exam of sixth year was Defense Against the Dark Arts, a particular favorite subject of James'. He felt almost sick with nerves, but at the same time, he was anxious to get in there and get it over with. His stomach felt like a leaden weight, sinking rapidly, while his heart kept hopping around like a manic kangaroo.

The sixth years were lined up down the hall outside Professor Dawlish's classroom, sitting on the floor or standing against the wall. The only conversations were the small mutterings of incantations and the whispering of textbook pages.

James pushed his glasses up to rub at his eyes. Waiting was possibly the worst part of life.

"Is it my turn yet?" he asked without looking up.

"Are you blind?" Remus asked mildly.

"Yes."

"Put your glasses back on."

"No."

"It's not your turn yet." James pushed his glasses back onto his nose and looked at Remus.

"Can't you do something about that?"

"No, I don't think so."

James sighed loudly, attracting disgruntled sighs from his classmates.

"Do you think he'll ask about the Patronus charm?" Sirius asked suddenly from where he sat on the floor.

"It isn't required," Lily said.

"He was really into showing us how to do it, though," Sirius said, pondering.

"Maybe extra credit?" Remus suggested.

Sirius made a small sound that passed for a 'maybe' just as the door to the classroom lurched open. "Next."

Remus sighed and pushed away from the wall, walking to the door.

"Good luck," Lily called in the moments before the door snapped shut.

James sighed again, and Sirius scowled at him over a textbook.

"This is boring," James whined.

"Study something," Sirius muttered. "Or at least let me study."

"You already know all this stuff, mate. I don't know why you're wasting your time."

Sirius made a disbelieving sound and flipped through several pages of the textbook.

James leaned back against the wall again, staring down. He kicked the toe of one trainer against the floor, over and over, wondering how much stone he could erode away before he was called.

"Would you knock it off?" Sirius snapped, finally.

James glared briefly, then looked at the place on the floor. No noticeable progress.

He untied and retied his shoes. He tried to wipe the fingerprints off his wand, which resulted in a shower of sparks and a brief textbook fire, as well as Sirius bemoaning the fact that the paragraph he needed to read was now scorched beyond recognition. James tugged at his tie until he was strangling, then loosened it again. He jinxed a few first years, pretending not to hear Lily's screech of disapproval.

The door moaned open. "Next."

"Finally!"

"Yes, after all of ten minutes of waiting," Lily said, rolling her eyes. "Good luck."

"No need," James scoffed. "But thanks anyway."

He entered the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom slowly, looking around. The desks had been pushed against one wall, stacked, and the center of the room was empty. The light _thud_ of his trainers on the dusty stone vibrated off the walls. He stopped in the middle of the room, looking around for what to do.

"A wand might be a good idea," Professor Dawlish suggested lightly, stepping out of the shadows.

James fumbled in his robes and drew out the long stick of wood. "Sorry."

"Not at all," Dawlish said politely. "Shall we begin?"

As it turned out, the test was not all that difficult. Going through the test, at each success, James' confidence built, making the next spell that much easier.

"One last thing," Dawlish said, noting something on his clipboard. "For extra credit?"

"Yeah?"

"A patronus?"

James thought hard, a billion memories flickering behind his eyes until one settled into place. He focused hard on the memory.

_Sleekly cold metal in his hands, the weight of the cup in his hands. Adrenaline burning through his veins, pounding into his arms as he lifted the Quidditch Cup high. _

_"Yes!"_

"Expecto patronum!" James said, pointing his wand. Silver burst from the tip of his wand, gathering into the shape of a translucent stag. It quivered around the edges, but it stayed long enough.

"Good," Dawlish said, and James let the patronus vanish, feeling a little shaky himself. Creating a patronus took a lot of energy.

"That's all," Dawlish said. "Scores will be posted tomorrow."

James nodded and left, through a door on the opposite side of the room.

Remus stood leaning against the wall just outside the doorway. "How was it?"

"Fine. My patronus was a little weak."

"That's extra credit, though," Remus pointed out.

"Yeah. I'm starving."

Remus laughed. "Of course you are. We should wait for everyone else though."

James sighed loudly. "I know, but it'll take forever!"

"Each test takes ten minutes."

"But that's like, half an hour before they're done then!"

"Half an hour isn't very long," Remus pointed out.

James used the toe of his shoe to flip up the edge of the carpet.

"Someone's going to trip if you leave it like that," Remus said. James put it back.

He paced. He stared out the window at the sun-washed leaves of the trees and the sprawled lake. He counted how many steps it took to get from one suit of armor to the next. He tried to enchant a suit of armor, but it yelled at him.

"Maybe you should just try to stand still and wait," Remus suggested, raising his eyebrows.

James grunted and went back to lean against the wall, counting stones in the floor.

The rusty latch on the door raked open and the door swung open wide, Sirius clinging to the handle.

Sirius' face was bone-white, the dark rings under his eyes looking like horrible bruises. His eyes were a little panicked, but clouded, like he wasn't really seeing anything. His robes hung loosely from his shoulders, his soles of his beat-up trainers fraying across the floor as he stumbled, one hand clenching James' robes.

"Sirius!" James yelped, grabbing Sirius' arm just above the elbow, finding only bone.

"I think –" Sirius whispered, voice shivery soft. "I might – I think I'm going to – might pass out." Sirius' whole body shook like he was in his own personal earthquake, the force of the frissons making it impossible for him to stand. James caught his other arms, quickly lowering himself, and Sirius, to the ground.

"Sirius, say something," James demanded.

"I'm getting Madam Pomfrey," Remus said, taking off at a run down the corridor.

"I – it –" Sirius shook his head. His grip on James' robes tightened, bones and tendons straining against the skin of his hands. James carefully made sure his own grip wasn't too tight.

"What's wrong, Sirius? Where does it hurt?" James asked desperately as Sirius' grip loosened again, his breathing labored.

"My – chest," Sirius forced out. "Feels – wrong." He leaned heavily against James, or as heavily as he could, James amended, being as light as he was.

James fumbled for Sirius' wrist, looking for a pulse the way Madam Pomfrey had once. He could feel Sirius' heart beat there, thump, thump-thump, thump-thump-thump! It was all off.

"Sirius, stay with me, okay?" James said, dropping his friend's thin wrist. He had one arm around Sirius' shoulders now, and Sirius leaned against him. "C'mon, mate!"

"Don't –" Sirius broke off. His eyes were closed tight.

"I'm not going anywhere," James murmured. "You just stay here with me, okay? Hold on, Remus will be right back."

"Everything – spinning," Sirius moaned.

"Don't puke on me, okay?" James said. "No, I'm just kidding. It's okay if you do, okay? As long as you hold on."

Sirius barely nodded. "It hurts." James looked down, seeing Sirius' hand pressing into his chest, clutching at his heart.

"Merlin, Sirius…" James muttered. _Please be okay, please, please, please_…

Sirius went limp. The shaking stopped, the breathing began to even. James found his pulse again, feeling the reassuring pressure against his fingers, as the rhythm returned. He moved Sirius to lying on the floor, but still held his head and shoulders. Merlin, he was so small, barely weighed anything.

"James!" He looked over his shoulder to see Remus and Madam Pomfrey rushing toward them.

Madam Pomfrey knelt next to Sirius' unconscious form, checking his pulse, his breathing, everything, as Remus sat by James, a hand on his shoulder as they both looked on.

Lily appeared as they waited there breathlessly, and with only a small gasp, she joined them in silence. James took her hand and squeezed hard, still careful not to hurt her. She clung to his arm.

Finally, finally, Madam Pomfrey conjured a stretcher, and James slid Sirius onto it, trying his best not to notice the way Sirius' skin perfectly matched the white sheet of the stretcher.

They were left standing in the middle of the corridor, luckily a scarcely utilized hallway, staring at the place where the stretcher had disappeared around the corner.

"Should we –?" Lily began, but stopped.

"I don't –" Remus whispered. "Merlin."

"Bloody hell," James said hoarsely, voice grating against his throat. "I hate this."

Lily and Remus nodded their agreement.

"I guess we should –" James said, gesturing down the corridor.

"I'll stay here to meet Peter, okay?" Lily said softly. James pulled her into a hug, and she held him tight, whispering in his ear. "It's okay, James. It's okay."

He pulled away, blinking quickly, looking down. He couldn't meet her eyes.

James and Remus set off in silence, passing through the school like ghosts, no one looking once.

"Does he want us to come?" James finally asked.

"Of course he does," Remus said, sounding unsure.

"He doesn't want to let us help him. He doesn't want to tell us things. How do we know he wants us to be there?"

"I think he does want help," Remus said thoughtfully. "He just doesn't know how to take it."

The hospital wing was empty, only one bed occupied, with a small, dark-haired boy who appeared to be sleeping. Even in unconsciousness, Sirius' body seemed tense, almost as if he was ready to jump out of the way of sudden danger.

James swallowed hard, looking at Remus, who had his teeth clenched so hard James thought his jaw might break.

"He had an arrhythmia," Madam Pomfrey whispered, coming up behind them. "His heart wasn't beating right, and it made him pass out."

"Why?" James choked out.

"He's done a lot of damage to his body by starving himself," Madam Pomfrey sighed.

"We've been trying to get him to eat," Remus said. "He was eating at every meal, for a while."

"Why does he keep doing this?" James demanded. "Why won't he quit?"

"I don't think he can, James," Pomfrey said. "I think he knows he's in over his head, but he can't quit. He can't, because his eating disorder won't let him."


	57. Chapter 57

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

Chapter Fifty-Seven

He woke up to darkness. Stifling, suffocating, vastly, oppressively enormous darkness.

Fear moved like sludge down his throat, dripping solidly into his lungs, strangling the air. Fear burned cold through his veins, chilled black wildfire licking through his capillaries and freezing them closed.

He was cold, so cold. He shook so hard his bones grated together like boulders in a rockslide. Steadily collapsing.

The dark pushed on his eyes, gluing the tear ducts shut, and they stung with pressurized saltwater. His eyes blink dryly, sticky.

His lungs whined feebly as the fear built fibrous tissue, an organ too structured to pump air in and out.

Sirius lay on an unfamiliar bed, arms wrapped around his knees, watching the world tremble with the force of his shivers. His teeth knocked together steadily, ticking the seconds by. He gulped air down, but his lungs squelched and ignored it.

There was a blanket over him, but it only kept in the cold. Even his eyes shook. The bedside table warped and he saw the hospital wing.

His heart throbbed with memory, but it was only a smidgen of the former pain. James words vibrated through his mind. _Hold on. Hold on._

Apparently he hadn't done a good job of that, or he wouldn't be all alone in the hospital.

Were they mad at him? Did they know he had been throwing up? That he hadn't been eating? Did they hate him for doing this? For being a burden?

His breath sped up again as a second coat of fear drenched his lungs. He coughed hard, thick, dark fear bubbling up in his throat, burning and freezing.

A light came on, his shaking eyes blurring it into nothingness. Madam Pomfrey would help him.

But maybe not. She knew he wasn't eating. She knew how much he weighed. She wouldn't let him leave. He wouldn't be able to run. He would be forced to eat.

Sirius heard the bed tapping the bedside table with the force of the tremors going through his body. A steady rhythm. _Hold on. Hold on. Hold on_.

What was to hold on to when the world was slipping away?

* * *

Remus and James stood side by side, staring at the door to the hospital wing.

Remus was still, James fidgeted. Remus was silent; James mumbled incoherent thoughts to himself.

Neither moved towards the door.

Peter was off with his new girlfriend. They said he could go, that they would go without him. Remus envied Peter now.

Lily was getting things in order for going home next week. She told them they didn't need her right now. Remus envied her, too. Even packing would be better than this.

"Why is this so bloody difficult?" James demanded, finally.

"I don't know," Remus said softly.

"It's just Sirius."

"Yes, it is."

"Even if he is being a stupid prat."

"Don't say that in front of him."

"I won't," James said, exasperated. "I'm not an idiot, Moony."

"I know."

"I don't know what to say to him, though," James admitted. "He's going to get mad if we tell him he's got to eat, but we can't very well ignore the whole reason he's here."

"That's true."

"Why do we keep doing this, Remus?"

"Because he's our friend."

"Then why aren't we making him better?"

"I think," Remus began, then stopped. He cleared his throat and tried again. "I think it's a hard thing for us to fix. We don't want to make him so mad that he won't talk to us, because then we can't help. But we can't just ignore it either."

James made a noise of frustration. "I hate this!"

"I do too."

James _hmphed_ at him.

"We should just go in."

"Yeah, I guess."

The door opened silently when Remus pushed on it. He walked silently into the hospital wing. James shuffled his feet noisily.

Sirius was in the far bed, closest to Madam Pomfrey's office. He wasn't wearing the customary hospital wing attire of striped pajamas, but instead his favorite old jeans and a T-shirt. Just under the sleeves of the T-shirt were dark bruises on his upper arms. Remus could almost hear James flinch.

He was sitting on his bed, facing the bedside table, frowning in concentration as he built a house of cards from an Exploding Snap deck. As they got closer, Remus watched with slight fascination as Sirius reached up to carefully place the last card.

_BANG!_ The house of cards exploded, cards slicing haphazardly through the air. Sirius scowled at them, and picked up the ones off the bed.

Remus had reached the bed by this time. He knelt next to it and picked up the cards that fell on the floor, stacking them neatly on the bedside table. Then he sat in the chair beside the bed. James stole a chair from near another bed.

Sirius messed about trying to get all the cards back into a nice stack, not having much success. When he finally got them in order he placed them with the other cards, then his hands went to play with a thread protruding from the hem of his T-shirt.

They were all quite silent for a few moments. Or, as silent as James could be. James scuffed his trainers against the floor, making them squeak loudly. Sirius stared down at his hands, where they worked on that little thread.

Remus cleared his throat. "How are you feeling?" he asked awkwardly.

"Fine," Sirius said. They were silent again.

"Do you, ah, do you know when you'll get out of here?"

"A few days maybe." Sirius shrugged. "She won't tell me for sure, but that seems about right."

"Do you know what happened?" James asked, suddenly, almost accusing.

Sirius nodded. "Yeah."

"And it doesn't bother you at all?" James asked, raising his eyebrows. "You don't care that your heart is barely working?"

"My heart's working fine. It was just a little thing, it's gone now," Sirius said defensively.

"Yeah, just a tiny thing where your heart couldn't beat right and you passed out for a few hours. No big thing. Yeah, I lose consciousness all the time," James spat. "Do you listen to yourself, Sirius? Do you even realize how ridiculous this is?"

"James," Remus said, warning.

"Don't you get it, Sirius?" James said, ignoring Remus completely. "You're wasting away. You're barely there anymore! I mean, look at those bruises. Something's wrong there, because I know I didn't grab your arms that hard! You're so thin I can't even understand how you're walking around every day. And you're really going to try to deny that anything's wrong?"

"I'm not that thin, James!" Sirius snapped. "I don't know what you're talking about. I eat when I'm hungry, and that's all there is to it!"

"You really think –" James began hotly, but Remus interjected.

"Stop it, both of you! We're all upset, but there's no need to yell at each other." Sirius and James glared at each other, but said nothing more. "Good, okay. So let's try to rephrase this. Sirius, what James _meant_ to say is that we are concerned about you. We feel that your weight has gotten awfully low and that you no longer appear to be healthy. It seems that this is backed by your semi-regular visits here. I feel that you are smart enough and rational enough to realize that something is wrong here, and I hope that you are willing to adjust some in order to remain healthy."

James blinked at him, mouth hanging open a bit. Sirius frowned.

"Did you get that from a book?"

"No. It's just what I think."

"Sounds like you got it from a book."

"I didn't."

"Mhmm."

"Would you like to respond?"

Sirius thought for a minute, twisting the ends of his dark hair as he considered. "I don't really know what you want me to say."

"Don't look for what we want to hear. Just tell us what you think," Remus advised.

"You definitely got that from a book," Sirius muttered darkly. "I just…I don't know what to say. Thanks for your concern, I guess."

"That's it?" James said. "'Thanks for your concern?' Give me a break."

"What do you want me to say, James?"

"How about, 'sorry for never eating?' How about 'sorry for trying so hard to kill myself?' How about 'sorry for making you think I was doing okay and then scaring you to death by having a bloody arrhythmia and almost dying right there in the middle of the hallway?'" James bit his lip hard and looked away.

Sirius looked at him for a long moment, and when he spoke, his voice was hoarse and choked. "I'm sorry, James."

"Why do you do this to yourself, Sirius?" Remus whispered.

Sirius shook his head, hard. He couldn't answer that. Remus hadn't expected him to.

"You scare us, you know that?" Remus said softly. "We don't want you to die."

"I'm not going to die."

"How do you know?"

"Madam Pomfrey has me taking weight gain potions again, if that makes you feel better," Sirius said, slightly bitterly. "I'm not allowed to go running anymore. And she wrote to my parents."

"Your parents?" James said. His voice was transparent fear.

"Yeah. I never told…" Sirius trailed off. "Anyway, they already wrote back, saying they'd deal with me."

"No," James said. "You aren't going back there. We'll think of something."

"I have to go back, James. There's nothing you can do to change it," Sirius said hopelessly. "They've already made it clear that I'm not going to be allowed to go with you this summer. They want me home."

"No," James insisted. "You can't."

"I have to, James! What else am I going to do? I can't just leave. Never mind the fact that it would just make them angrier, think about what would happen to Regulus!"

"Why do you even care about that git?" James growled. "He sided with the Slytherins."

Sirius shook his head. "He's my little brother. I can't just abandon him like that."

James shook his head. Remus was silent, because he understood.

"I've only got to make it until the end of summer," Sirius said, sounding like he was trying to convince himself. "Then I'll be seventeen and they won't have any say."

"What are they going to do until then? I mean it, Sirius, you can't go back there!" James exclaimed.

"You can't do anything about this, James," Sirius said solemnly. "There's nothing to do."

They all fell silent, considering this. He was right, Remus knew. But it killed him to know his friend was in danger. Sirius was in danger, in more ways than one, and no one could help him.


	58. Chapter 58

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

Chapter Fifty-Eight

The week after the finals was always, surprisingly, the least busy for Poppy Pomfrey.

One would think that with more free time, the students would get into more trouble. But if they did, it was nothing too dangerous, as there was rarely a visitor the hospital wing in the time after exams.

Her only patient was Sirius Black, which was not all too unexpected. He'd been in and out of the hospital wing all year.

Being that he was the only patient, she was a little more lenient with him. She didn't make him wear pajamas. He had summoned some of his own clothes to the hospital wing. Perhaps, she rationalized, the comfort of a favorite pair of jeans could help in the healing process. Such things had never been studied, but surely they couldn't hurt.

She allowed Sirius to wander around the hospital wing at times, though she kept a cautious eye on him then. She didn't want to chance another heart problem.

Really, she shouldn't have chanced the first one. In hindsight, it was quite obvious what was going to happen. A few days of weight gain potions really would not make a huge difference in the long run. Not that they wouldn't help for the time being, which was why she was giving them again, despite constant protest.

Sirius weighed only six stone three pounds, which definitely called for drastic measures. Weight gain potions were the least of those.

Madam Pomfrey had written to his parents, against her better judgment. According to school law, parents had to be informed of major health problems, and a cardiac arrhythmia certainly qualified. Sirius didn't seem to understand how significant it was, despite her many attempts to explain it to him. He had asked her not to write to his parents.

"I have to, Sirius," she had responded kindly. "Those are the rules."

Sirius had scowled at a hole in the knee of his jeans.

"Unless," she had continued. "you tell me that your parents have hurt you. In which case, I'm no longer required to report anything to them. Is that what you want to say, Sirius?"

"No," he had muttered.

She didn't believe him, but there was nothing she could do about that. She couldn't change the rules.

The letter was short and to the point. She explained the weight loss, arrhythmia, her diagnosis of an eating disorder. His parents had not replied but to say they would make arrangements when he arrived home.

However, parent permission was not one of the requisites to discharge Sirius. And he begged her to often. But she couldn't, not yet. Maybe it was residual guilt that she hadn't fixed him the last time. Maybe it was fear that one of her favorite students would end up dead from heart trouble. Maybe it was just professionalism, that she wanted to be sure he was well enough to be released.

She had spoken to the headmaster about it, and Dumbledore had agreed that it might do Sirius some good to stay. That a break from being scrutinized would be good for him.

Madam Pomfrey had done everything in her power to keep Sirius entertained. She supplied him with books, cards, paper, quills. She played chess with him when she wasn't busy.

His friends' visits were scarcer now. Remus still came daily. Such a good boy he was, and a very good friend. James came every few days, along with Lily Evans. But James seemed quite awkward around Sirius, like he wasn't sure how to act. Lily was very kind, but Poppy got the impression that Sirius felt a little like they were ganging up on him at times. Peter Pettigrew rarely visited, and through overheard conversations, she had deduced that he had a new girlfriend.

Madam Pomfrey was concerned about the effects of isolating Sirius from the rest of the world, but she worried a lot more about the state he was in when he was admitted. Besides his heart and his weight, a few things bothered her. The bruises on his arms, from James catching him as he fell, were awfully severe for such an action. He was deficient in a lot of nutrients. Also, the state of exhaustion he was in, permanent dark circles etched under his eyes. Remus said Sirius had only been sleeping a couple hours each night.

There were the nightmares, and those bothered Madam Pomfrey a lot. She began giving him Dreamless Sleep potions each night, after he couldn't remain asleep without the nightmares. But he wouldn't have those in two days when he went home for the summer.

Two days. Sirius was counting down, she knew. He reminded her constantly. He was desperate to leave the hospital wing, to be free for those last two days.

"C'mon," he pleaded again this day, as they played chess. "I feel fine now. You even said I was doing well. Knight to E5."

"I'd rather you stay here," she said. "Bishop to D3."

"But why? I've done everything you said to. Ah, damn – I mean, sorry – ah – oh! – Castle to D3."

Madam Pomfrey watched as his castle scooted over and decimated her bishop. "That may be, but –"

"Please? I've only got two days left with my friends. Please?"

She could feel her resolve wavering. "King to A2. I'm not sure that –"

"What difference will two days make?" he asked. "Please?"

She sighed and he grinned widely, knowing his victory.

"Not so fast!" she said. He raised his eyebrows, waiting for her to continue. "You'll still come here for your potions twice a day. And I'll give you your sleep potion to take with you."

He scowled, but nodded his agreement. "Okay. Bishop to C4." His bishop obliterated her knight, leaving her king defenseless. Madam Pomfrey sighed again. "Yes, go on." Her king flopped pathetically onto the board, knowing which of them was triumphant, in more ways than one.


	59. Chapter 59

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

Chapter Fifty-Nine

The students of Hogwarts were ready and waiting for the last day of school.

Sirius was not waiting, and was dreading it. Yet Sirius was the one staring out the window as the sun crept into the shadows of night, wavering over the glass of the lake.

It wasn't cold in the dormitories anymore, the summer air now past its early hesitance and present in full force. Sirius kept a blanket wrapped about his shoulders anyway, pretending it was cold out.

He had no idea why he was awake so early, why his body thought it needed to see the sun rise. Unless it was that he wanted to make the most of this last day.

Sirius followed the familiar path through the hallways of Hogwarts and out to the Quidditch pitch. The ground was warm and firm under his trainers, another sure sign of summer, but he did his best to ignore it as he began his run.

He had to quit early, in order to get back before anyone knew he was gone, as he had sworn he would quit running. He couldn't quit. But they didn't have to know.

He showered and changed, then began collecting his strewn-about things and packing them into his trunk.

"Ow! Damn it!" he cursed as his trunk fell closed on his hand.

Remus peered at him, blinking sleepily as he sat up. "What's wrong?"

"Closed the trunk on my hand," Sirius grumbled, holding his right hand tightly.

"Does it help to hop around like that?" Remus asked, amused.

"Yes, it does, thank you," Sirius said, not making any effort to stop hopping. If his body felt like that would help, he'd go with it.

"Bloody hell, Sirius," James muttered from under his pillow. "What in Merlin's name are you doing packing this early in the morning?"

"It's almost eight," Sirius said reasonably, letting go of his hand and standing still again. "We're supposed to get our exam scores at breakfast."

"Great," James said sarcastically, not emerging from under his pillow. "Bring me back some bacon from breakfast. I'd rather not go."

"Yeah, right," Sirius said.

"You know you want to know your scores, James," Remus said.

"No, I want to sleep."

"It's the last day of school!" Peter protested. "Merlin only knows when you'll see us again!"

James sat up, his pillow flopping to the floor, as he, Remus, and Peter turned to look at Sirius.

"What?" Sirius demanded hotly. "Quit staring at me."

"It's the last day of school," James said hollowly.

"Yes, it is," Sirius said, turning back to his trunk.

"Tomorrow you go back to –"

"Yes, I'm aware of that."

"And then –"

"Don't want to talk about it." Sirius snapped his trunk shut, this time without hurting himself, and turned to face them. "Hurry up, already!"

James gave him a dubious look, but retrieved some clothes of questionable cleanliness from a pile next to his trunk, and disappeared into the bathroom.

"Are you sure –?" Remus began.

"Yep," Sirus cut him off.

When they were all ready, they headed down to the Great Hall. It was relatively empty, save for the younger classes, who were all present, anxious about their exam scores.

Sirius felt like he was one of them, rather than a sixth year. His heart pounded against his ribs and he felt a bit lightheaded. He was glad they sat down quickly.

"Would you quit that?" James asked as Sirius bounced one leg up and down. "You're shaking the whole bench."

Sirius, with great effort, forced himself to be still.

"It's going to be fine, you know," Remus said. "I'm sure you did fine."

"Fine isn't good enough," Sirius muttered. Without warning, memories began flooding his mind.

_Walburga, eyes narrowed, unforgiving. Her sharp fingernails grating against the smooth mahogany of her wand. The burning of pain through his every vein, every capillary, as her voice permeated the room. _

_"Rule number three. You will be top in your class in every subject."_

Sirius clenched his teeth, jaw setting, eyebrows bending low over his eyes.

"Here," James said, handing Sirius a plate of pancakes.

Sirius wordlessly took the plate, setting it in front of him without really noticing.

"C'mon, Sirius," Remus said gently. "Eat. Don't worry about it."

Sirius stabbed his fork at his plate without looking, taking a bite of whatever it landed on, never tasting the food at all. It was sawdust in his mouth and he almost gagged, but no, he managed to choke it down. His stomach tightened, hand gripped silverware and table edge too hard. His knuckles were beyond turning white, looking as though the bone would burst through the skin with much more pressure.

"Here she comes with the scores," Peter said softly, looking as fearful as Sirius felt. His stomach rolled over and then Disapparated, leaving an empty hole inside him. His heart sank into the space and its beat echoed in the cavern.

"Mr. Pettigrew." The trembling of parchment held in an unsteady hand as Peter grabbed it.

"Mr. Potter." The crush of parchment under a grip slightly too strong.

"Ms. Evans." Sirius hadn't even noticed her presence.

"Mr. Lupin." Mumbled thanks, ever polite.

"Mr. Black." Utter silence. The paper didn't whisper under his fingers as he gripped it lightly, not damaging the edges, not allowing the words to be rumpled across the page.

It was irksome to Sirius, in some ways, that the culmination of a years worth of work was handed to him on one piece of parchment. Its weight was not enough to warrant such importance.

Yet, here it was, everything he had worked for. He inhaled until he thought his lungs might break, and then he looked at it.

It was broken down into a table. Listed by class, it showed the score on the exam, score in the class as a whole, and then class rank in that class.

Sirius scanned it. He was ranked first in a few. Charms, Transfiguration, Defense Against the Dark Arts, and Herbology. But he was ranked second in Potions and third in Care of Magical Creatures.

He bit his lip. His parents would be angry. It didn't matter that he had achieved in four classes. They expected them all.

_The parchment cringed in Orion's huge hand, compacted into a dense little ball. Sirius flinched with each step Orion took toward him, his shoulders hunching more and more, as he desperately worked to make himself invisible. _

_There were no words, no sound. Not after the first blow to the side of his head, where his vision switched off for a moment. His eyes recovered themselves, but his ears decided to take a break. _

_A fist crushed through his ribs, his heart tapping weakly in protest, and Sirius's back hit the floor so hard that something splintered. His spine or the floorboards, he didn't know which. _

_A crackly laugh came from the corner, light sliced his vision, filling him with fiery wrath... _

"So how did you all do?" James asked.

"All right," Remus said amicably.

"All right?" James scoffed. "Top in everything as usual, is that what you mean, Moony?"

"No," Remus said. "Second in everything but Care of Magical Creatures and Potions."

"Really?" Lily asked. "I got top in Potions, but third in everything else, except I got second in Care of Magical Creatures."

"Sirius?" James said. "Care to clear this up?"

"Huh?" Sirius asked, dazed.

"How did you do?"

Sirius wordlessly passed him the paper, his thoughts lurching between fear, anger, regret, and some mixture.

"Bloody hell, Sirius!" James said.

Sirius jumped. "What?"

"Your perfect marks, that's what!"

"They aren't perfect," Sirius said dully.

"Top in all but two, and top three in those!" James argued. "That's perfect enough."

"Not for –" he broke off, but he could tell they understood.

"Let's go outside and talk, why don't we?" Lily said carefully.

Sirius numbly followed them outside, barely taking in the warmth of the air as they trekked down to the lake and made themselves comfortable in the shade of a large tree.

"How can they be mad at you for that?" James demanded.

Sirius shook his head, turning to stare out at the jostling water of the lake.

"Maybe they don't be," Lily reasoned. "You never know, right?"

"I know," Sirius sighed. He never looked at them. "They said I had to be top in all my classes. If I wasn't…well."

"We've got to do something!" James proclaimed, enraged. "They can't just do this stuff to you!"

"What are you going to do?" Sirius asked, laughing humorlessly. "Who's going to believe me? I'm the ungrateful son, the rebel, always in trouble, never good enough. They're the Noble and Most Ancient Blacks. Untouchable."

"I'll talk to my parents. They'll make sure you can come with us tomorrow, instead of going back there," James said with finality, confident in his plan.

"No," Sirius said. "I don't want my family going after yours. Just leave it alone, okay? There's nothing you can do."

"Sirius, we just can't stand to see you so –" Remus broke off abruptly when he realized he didn't have words to describe what he wanted to.

"Sorry, I'm just thinking." Sirius tore his eyes away from the lake and looked at them. "Sorry. Let's talk about something else, okay? It's the last day of school. No reason to be all depressed."

"But –"

"Please," Sirius said softly, meeting each pair of eyes. "Please, just talk about something else."

They nodded sadly, responding to his begging. They couldn't stand to make him sad. Maybe on some level they knew he needed today to be good, to make up for the days to come.

The five of them didn't speak of it again, instead laughing and joking, discussing easier things. They played Exploding Snap and Gobstones.

At some point, Peter disappeared to be with his girlfriend. They gave him some privacy.

Remus and Sirius talked about all their time at Hogwarts thus far, all the good times, anyway, pointedly ignoring the whispers and giggles coming from the direction of Lily and James, who sat close together, arms tangled in something akin to a hug.

When Remus and Sirius had exhausted their options for after Hogwarts, Sirius grinned a slightly wicked grin, and before Remus could stop him, he whipped out his wand and thought an incantation.

It was a harmless jinx, really, except for the colour-changing hair, but that didn't even hurt.

As Lily laughed loudly, James launched himself at Sirius, tackling him to the ground and trying to pin him. Sirius struggled hard, laughing the entire time, as James did.

James won, after he managed to sit on Sirius' chest and cut off his air unless Sirius admitted his own loss. Sirius couldn't keep a straight face, not with James' hair being a vibrant purple.

The air remained light as it heated up. Sirius was grateful that they didn't have to wear a school uniform today. The heat would have been murder.

The sunlight trickled through the gaps in the leaves of their tree, rays spilling onto the ground, dodging as the tree shivered in a light breeze.

The sky was the blue of Caribbean ocean, the lake clear and inviting. The violet of the mountains sheltered them without looming. The castle relaxed against its grounds. It was one of those perfect Hogwarts days, the sort that made Sirius almost a little bit sad because he knew it would come to an end.

The sun hadn't even begun its descent when it was time to go inside for the final feast of the year.

Sirius chewed on his lip as they climbed up the hill to the castle. He was vaguely aware of James, Lily, and Remus talking, as well as Peter whispering to his girlfriend. But their words were distant echoes across the grounds, far outside the realm of his own thoughts.

Only about twenty-four hours and he would be at home. If he could call it that. Would his parents have his exam scores already? Would they be planning his punishment?

"What are you thinking about?" Remus asked softly, touching Sirius' shoulder.

"Nothing," he lied quickly. Too quickly, he realized, as Remus' eyes narrowed.

"C'mon, Sirius, you can tell me." Remus glanced around to make sure no one else was listening. "Is it your parents?"

"Yeah," Sirius said quietly. "Don't worry, it'll be fine."

"You don't have to pretend," Remus said. "I hate to suggest this but…maybe you should just leave."

"Run away?" Sirius laughed bitterly. "You think I haven't thought of that? But I can't, Remus. Besides the fact that I can't just leave Regulus with them, what would happen if I got caught?"

Remus fell silent.

"Exactly. I don't want to talk about this anymore."

The Great hall was swathed in scarlet and gold, and the Gryffindor table was buzzing with excitement over the house cup. Sirius had a hard time convincing himself it mattered at all, but he tried to act like it did.

Dumbledore made a speech, but Sirius barely heard it. He assumed it was just like all the others Dumbledore had made over the years.

Sirius poked at his food, not feeling hungry in the slightest. On the contrary, he was so worried that he felt nauseous.

Remus sat next to him, quietly urging him to eat. Sirius choked down a few bites to placate him.

When the feast was over, they went upstairs to their dormitories, most everyone tired and ready for bed. James and Peter fell asleep almost immediately.

Sirius stayed awake, pacing around the common room, while Remus sat curled up on the sofa, watching.

"You really ought to sleep, Sirius," Remus said.

"Not tired."

"You don't want to get hospitalized for exhaustion again."

"I wouldn't be able to sleep anyway. You should, though. Long day tomorrow."

"I'll stay up with you," Remus said, shaking his head.

"You shouldn't, Moony."

"So I'll be tired tomorrow. So what? I'd rather keep you company."

"Thanks."

"Don't worry about it."

"No, really, Remus, thank you," Sirius said, stopping in the center of the room and turning to meet Remus' eyes.

"It's okay, Sirius," Remus said sincerely.

Sirius resumed his pacing, chewing on his lip again.

"I really worry about you going back home," Remus said, his voice lanced with pained thoughtfulness.

"I really hate the idea of you being alone for the full moon next week," Sirius replied, trying to avoid the attention.

Remus sighed. "Yes, it is more unpleasant without you all there with me. But I'll survive."

"So will I." Sirius stopped again and stared out the window at the dark interrupted by the slightness of stars.

"Promise me something?" Remus asked.

"What?"

"Promise me you'll keep eating?" Sirius could hear the worry in Remus' voice again, could see that expression he always gave, without even turning around.

"Yeah, I promise."

"Really?"

"What?"

"Do you really promise, or are you just saying that so I'll drop it?" Merlin, he was good. Sirius scowled at the darkness behind the window, but didn't let the glare creep into his voice.

"I really do promise."

"Okay."

They were silent for a few moments more, then Sirius heard Remus stifle a yawn.

"Would you go to sleep already?" Sirius asked, feigning exasperation.

"I'm not tired. I'll wait up with you," Remus lied.

"You are a horrible liar, did you know that?" Sirius asked.

Remus frowned at him. "Am not."

"Yes, you are. You should go to sleep. I'll be fine."

"Aren't you tired at all?" Remus asked.

"I got a lot of time to sleep in the hospital wing. I guess I sort want to…I can't explain it," Sirius broke off.

"You want to hold on to this time here as much as you can?" Remus suggested lightly.

"Yeah, that's kind of it," Sirius said, nodding.

"I guess I can leave you to that, then," Remus said, understanding.

"I'll see you in the morning," Sirius said.

"Yeah," Remus mumbled. Sirius heard his footsteps on the stairs.

He sighed to himself before sitting down on the carpet in front of the fire, folding himself as small as he could. The flames tangled together, whittling away at the logs as paths of red-hot wood snaked their way through the roots of the fire. He watched miniscule starry sparks make their leap to liberation, only to be snuffed out the moment they wrenched themselves free of the fire.


	60. Chapter 60

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

Chapter Sixty

The train's wheels ground over the tracks, the pistons wailing as the brakes bore down, and the blur of faces on the platform eased into focus.

Remus stood up, stretching after such a long time sitting, as did the others in the compartment.

Everyone rushed around trying to collect the Exploding Snap cards, uneaten candies and books that they had managed to scatter throughout their day on the train. Or, he supposed he should say he, Sirius, Peter, and Rebecca tried to clean up. Lily and James were alternately kissing and whispering to each other, oblivious to everyone.

Remus and Sirius began the rather laborious task of lifting the trunks from the overhead compartments. Remus grabbed the side handle of his own trunk and tugged, the trunk shuffling against the shelf as it came loose. The corner pointed at him as the trunk began to fall toward him. He locked his arms, trying to keep it from hitting him in the head.

Sirius reached over and took hold of the other end of the trunk, easing it carefully off of the rack, and the corner of the trunk that had been so intent on injuring lost its potential.

"Thanks," Remus mumbled. Sirius nodded and went for the next trunk.

Remus thought back to how Sirius had looked at the beginning of the year. He had looked normal back then, if maybe a little tiny bit thinner than he did usually. But now, Sirius had given new meaning to thin. Remus was amazed Sirius' arms could even support the weight of a trunk, and he quickly leaned over and took a handle before it fell on Sirius.

"Guess we're even now," Sirius joked. "Oy, Prongs!"

"What?" James snapped, finally tearing his gaze from Lily.

"Think you could help us out, here?"

"I think you've got it covered," James said, turning back to Lily.

"James!" Lily scolded. "Go and help!"

"Oh, fine," James grumbled, heaving himself off the seat and pulling a trunk off the rack in one fluid motion. Sirius scowled at him.

"There's no need to make it look so _easy_," Sirius muttered.

When they had gotten all the trunks, they made their way into the crowded hallway of the train, and to the nearest exit.

Once off the train, they remained in a circle amidst the crowd of students. They all looked around at each other, unsure of what to say.

"So I guess this is goodbye for a while," Remus said, finally.

"I guess so," James said glumly. "I'll owl you about coming to stay with me this summer, okay?"

"Sure," Remus said easily, smiling. James clapped him on the back and Remus nearly fell over his trunk. "Goodness, James."

"Sorry," James said, grinning. "Oh, hey, there are my parents!"

He waved to them quickly, then looked back at his friends. He playfully punched Peter on the shoulder. "Have a good summer, mate. I'll owl you too."

"See you, James," Peter said.

"Padfoot," James said hesitantly. "I'll be seeing you." He stuck out his hand for Sirius to shake, and when Sirius took it, he pulled him a little closer to hit him lightly on the back.

"Take care of yourself," Remus heard him whisper. "Call me on the mirror as much as you can."

Sirius nodded, swallowing hard. "Bye, James," he said with some effort.

James took a step back, his smile firmly in place again, if somewhat hard-edged.

"C'mon, Lils, I want you to meet my parents!" he exclaimed, starting to pull her away.

"Wait!" she ordered. She pulled her hand loose, and ran to each of the others, hugging them tightly. "Bye! Write me, all of you, or else I'll worry. Promise?"

"'Course, Lily," Remus said as Sirius glanced around nervously.

James and Lily waved one last goodbye and disappeared through the crowd to find their parents.

Peter said his goodbyes quickly and took Rebecca to meet his parents.

"Do you see your parents yet?" Remus asked, worried.

"No."

"I don't see mine, either." Remus took in Sirius' ashen complexion, and put a hand on his shoulder. Sirius looked at him, eyes wide. "Hey, calm down. It'll be okay."

Sirius nodded. "Of course it will."

"Remus!" Remus turned to see his mother walking quickly toward him, arms held wide to wrap him in a hug.

"Mum, hi!" he said brightly, hugging her back.

When he pulled away, she took a step back as well and took a better look at him. "I'm so glad to see you!" she trilled. She glanced around, and then her eyes landed on Sirius. "Oh my."

Sirius's eyes met hers.

"Sirius, how are you, dear?" Mrs. Lupin said warmly, moving to hug him lightly as well.

"I'm good, Mrs. Lupin," Sirius replied.

"That's – that's good, dear," she said haltingly, casting a questioning look at Remus as Sirius turned to scan the platform again.

"Hey, mum?" Remus asked. "Could I have just a moment to talk to Sirius, please?"

"Of course, dear."

She took his trunk, indicated a place she would wait, and disappeared.

"There they are," Sirius said, voice thick with dread. Remus felt his own heart sink.

He put his hand on Sirius' shoulder, bringing his attention back.

"Listen, owl me if anything happens, okay? I don't know what we'll do, but we'll get you out of there if it gets too bad. Or call James. Keep us informed, okay?"

"Don't worry, Moony. It'll be okay," Sirius said, though Remus could tell he didn't believe it himself.

"I always worry. Please, Sirius, don't keep me in the dark on this. Promise me."

"Okay," Sirius whispered. "I promise."

"Take care of yourself, okay? I mean it."

Remus moved back to disappear in the crowd as Sirius' parents pushed their way to Sirius, with Regulus in tow.

Remus had only ever seen the Blacks in moments like these, on the platform. He had never formally met them. All he knew about them was what their appearance told him.

Orion was huge, like a half-giant almost, his stature imposing. He towered over Sirius.

There were some similarities between Sirius and his father, appearance-wise, but not many. They shared that fine, straight black hair, the darkness and shape of the eyes. But the resemblance ended there. Orion's movements were not graceful, as Sirius was, but big and sweeping, as though he knew people would get out of the way. He was rough around the edges, and to someone who didn't know better, they would think it was an accident. Remus knew better.

He saw the brutality to the way Orion's huge, strong hand clenched around Sirius' upper arm. Remus worried that Sirius' pin-like limb would be crushed in that huge grip. Sirius was jerked a little closer to Orion, stumbling, unable to keep his balance. Remus flinched, hand twitching toward his wand, though he knew he couldn't do anything.

Walburga leaned over and whispered into Orion's ear. Remus took a closer look at her. She looked much more like her son than he would have thought, initially. Sirius had the same ethereally pale skin, the same delicate features, the same small bones. They were even of similar height.

Sirius' mother was more graceful, more in control than Orion, but that didn't make her any less dangerous. Remus saw Sirius' eyes fix on the wand she held loosely in one manicured hand, and he knew what Sirius was thinking.

Sirius acted as a different person around his parents. He looked small and scared, nervous and jittery. He let himself be yanked around by his father's hand, as though he was a doll to be played with. He let his mother's wand direct him, as though he was inanimate on his own, a puppet for her to play with.

Remus' heart ached for Sirius, knowing as he did how much it killed Sirius not to have control.

"Remus, aren't you ready to go?" Remus tore his eyes from Sirius' family to look at his mother.

"Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry, mum," he mumbled. He cast a look back to where Sirius' family stood, seeing again the red of Orion's anger visible in his face, Walburga's disdain in the dark of her perfect flowing robes, and then they were all gone, Disapparated, reappearing where they could do whatever they wanted, behind closed doors.


	61. Chapter 61

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Sixty-One**

The trunk thudded heavily onto the stair, dust shaking from the ceiling to drape itself over Sirius' dark hair.

Sirius solidly avoided looking at the heads of house elves, focusing instead on just his trunk as he heaved it up another step. It landed on its end there, leaning away from Sirius, threatening to catapult him down the steep stairs.

Sirius hurriedly tugged on the trunk again, and nearly fell over backwards.

He heard the scratchy sound of a poorly stifled laugh. He focused harder on his trunk.

It was just so bloody heavy. Did he really need this much stuff?

Another step. A few breaths. Another step. Had it always been this hard? Another step. Almost. One last step.

His trunk toppled over and lay sprawled on the floor. Sirius hauled it into his room, leaving it just inside the door.

The window was open, yet the air ached thickly with trepidation. It slopped around in his lungs, tasting bitterly metallic like blood and fear.

Sirius sat on his trunk for a moment, leaning over to block out the treacherous sight of the room see-sawing.

"SIRIUS!" He put his hands on his knees, taking a moment to slow his breathing. A united front, that's what he needed, every facet of the operation under control.

His lungs throbbed as they pumped air in and out, his hair shivering in front of his face.

"SIRIUS!" There was no more time. He stood up quickly, listing to the side like a sailboat in a hurricane. His trainers scuffed together.

The door was already open and he tumbled through it, barely catching himself before he hit the ground. The floor wobbled under his feet, the world shimmered at the edges like it might just disappear.

The banister crushed his hand as he gripped it, the smoothness deceptively sinister.

He took a careful step, finding the rough carpeting under the worn treads of his trainers before he placed his weight there.

He'd only made it down one staircase when his father materialized next to him, giant hand cutting off circulation in Sirius' arm.

"Are you deaf, boy?" Orion demanded. "Or are you just stupid?"

Sirius's voice shriveled in his throat.

"You answer me when I ask you a question!" Orion roared, squeezing harder and shaking Sirius roughly. Sirius' body felt limp, his bones gone, replaced with rubber.

Orion snorted in disgust, swinging his fist hard against Sirius' jaw, holding him still so he couldn't fall.

"Is that what you want, boy? Answer me!"

His vision wobbled precariously as he was shaken again, another massive hand collapsing the veins of his other arm.

"Please, father," he whispered. "Please, please stop."

Orion barked out a laugh and his fist landed solidly in Sirius' stomach, and at the same time he wrenched his hand from Sirius' arm, fingernails grating angry lines in the skin as Sirius doubled over, the force of the blow carrying him backwards.

Backwards into oblivion, the air wrapping around him like a second skin. His shoulder slammed into the coarse-carpeted stairs, then his ribs, his leg.

He was a mess of broken material piled at the bottom of the stairs. The pain rose up from all over his body, bubbling gelatinously through his veins, up into his brain, setting it on fire. His throat sanded out a low moan, his eyes jarred themselves loose enough to look at the rakish red fibers of the old carpet, only millimeters from him face.

He couldn't differentiate between body parts, for they were all tangled together so tightly, like the most complex knot.

The pain ebbed and flowed, slipping away one second, crushing back in the next.

Sirius felt his body disentangle as he was lifted off the ground. He forced his eyes closed them opened, close, open, close, open, until everything came into a little bit of focus.

Orion stood in front of him, holding him up by his upper arms, waiting for something. His face was expectant. Nervous though, but not remorseful.

Sirius took inventory. His shoulder didn't feel broken, just badly bruised. His legs were holding him up well enough. The marrow of his ribs had liquefied into magma, but he could ignore it if he held his breath. He stared up at his father.

"Learned your lesson, boy?" Orion rumbled, and Sirius felt the words more than heard them, in the way his bones vibrated and his broken ribs grated together.

"Yes sir," he forced out, voice scribbling roughly between high and low as it cracked pitifully.

"Get up to your room," Orion said, shoving Sirius away from him. "I don't want to see you."

Sirius landed against the stairs, his shoulder blades catching the force of it. His breathing locked down, but that was okay, because his ribs didn't hurt now.

He felt Orion's thundering footsteps through the stairs against his bruised bones. When his father was gone, Sirius let out the breath he had been holding, gritting his teeth against pain in his ribs.

He placed his hands on the stairs and tried to push himself up to his feet. His wrist was messed up again, already swelling and purple, but he ignored it. His body was a republic, all about the good of the whole. The whole would be better off out of sight and out of mind.

He managed three steps before he tripped, tumbling forward to hands and knees, fingers prying at the carpet in a desperate attempt to keep from falling again.

Warm hands took his upper arms, pulling him to standing, then supporting him up the two flights of stairs.

Regulus and Sirius nearly toppled over the trunk Sirius had left in the middle of the floor, but Reg wasn't in pain and he could navigate.

Sirius found himself lying in his bed with his brother standing over him.

"Thank you," he rasped. "Didn't know you cared."

"I care," Regulus said simply, and he turned on his heel and left, the door knocking closed behind him.

Sirius lay perfectly still, letting his mind turn inward and find a place without hurt.

"Sirius?" He jumped, his muscles straining against heavy bruises.

The mirror was in the top of his trunk, and he got it as quickly as he could, considering.

"James?" he answered roughly.

"Oh, Merlin, Sirius, what happened?" James' voice throbbed with sympathy.

Sirius carried the two-way mirror into the bathroom so he could see what James was talking about.

The entire side of his face was a marbled mess of pooled blood and pale skin. Along his jaw there were scrapes, where the carpet had forcefully sloughed off skin so it could drink his blood.

"I fell." He choked on the words.

"Fell? Damn it, Sirius!" James snapped. "Tell the truth!"

"I fell," he whispered again. "He hit me and let go and I didn't think he would and I fell back. Down – down the stairs." His voice sounded hollow, shell-shocked.

"Are you okay?" James asked in a mere whisper. "Don't lie."

Sirius propped the mirror behind the sink faucet and found a cloth to run under cool water.

"I think – just a couple broken ribs."

"Just," James repeated weakly.

"The rest is just bruising. It doesn't hurt too bad right now." Sirius used the cloth to gently clean excess blood off his face, then off of his arm.

"Please, Sirius, let me tell my parents," James begged. "They'll get you out of there."

Sirius shook his head, dropping the cloth to pick up the mirror again. "You can't, James. You can't tell them. Please."

"Sirius, they'll kill you if you don't get out of there," James said, his voice sickly and tenuous under the weight of fear.

"I'll be okay," Sirius promised, his voice not at all convincing. He didn't have the energy.

He stumbled back into his room and fell across the bed, not even caring to expend the effort it would take to make that less painful.

James chewed his lip as he thought, and Sirius started to let his eyes droop closed.

"Did you hit your head very hard?" James asked, finally.

"I don't know," Sirius said. "It happened too fast."

"Maybe you shouldn't sleep yet," James suggested uneasily. "Just in case."

"I can't stay – awake," Sirius said, choosing his words carefully. "It hurts less when I sleep."

James sighed. He couldn't begrudge Sirius relief from his pain. "Then you call me in the morning, first thing when you get up, okay?" James commanded sternly. "Or else I'll have to come get you, against your wishes."

"I'll call," Sirius mumbled, already half into unconsciousness.

He let the world spin off without him again for a while, as he finally remained perfectly still, even his mind producing nothing but an empty darkness to swallow up the pain.


	62. Chapter 62

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Sixty-Two**

The situation at number 12 Grimmauld Place was the worst it had ever been. According to Regulus' whispered reports, the Dark Lord was not pleased with the Blacks. Sirius could tell that just by the state of drunkenness his father came home in each day. He could tell from the force of his father's punches, from the anger behind his mother's spells, by the lack of reason behind his punishment.

The first full day he was home was difficult: his mother put him to work as soon as the sun edged over the horizon, and he worked until his father came home. When Orion staggered into the kitchen, where he was scrubbing the floors, Sirius was greeted with an abrupt kick to his already broken ribs.

_"You broke the rules," Orion hissed, grabbing Sirius by the back of the neck and hauling him to his feet. "Stupid boy." _

_"I tried, Father, please," Sirius pleaded, hating himself for begging, seeing no other options. _

_Orion grabbed Sirius' shoulder and shook him. "Stupid, worthless boy!" _

_Sirius crashed into the kitchen table as his father shoved him, the hard corner impacting his hip. His shoes slid on the wet floor, squeaking as they scrabbled for a hold on the stones, screeching louder as they found none and allowed him to tumble to the floor. _

_"Pathetic!" Sirius' ears rang with the words. "Useless, worthless, idiot boy. So weak." A kick to the ribs again, then to the hip that was already injured. _

_Sirius curled into a ball on the wet floor, arms protecting his face as the cold water wove through his clothes to chill his skin. _

His father had left him alone eventually, but his mother had insisted he finish the floors. It was after midnight by the time he got up to his room, but James was calling incessantly through the mirror anyway.

Sirius did what he could to alleviate James' concern, but he knew what he must look like. His cheek felt warm where his father had landed a blow, his vision already becoming impaired with slight swelling.

Once he had talked to James, Sirius tried to clean himself up a bit, showering to remove the blood. But there was nothing he could do about the hideous shades of purple bruises down his side, across his shoulders, the huge black mark on his hip. He limped for days.

If Sirius had had any hope of improvement for the second day home, it was quickly decimated by the screaming protest of his injuries as he got up to complete his mother's next list of chores.

For the first few days, there were always more things to do, and each day it was harder to get out of bed. He didn't live in a body anymore, just a bundle of frazzled nerves sending constant pained cries to his brain.

Each day James called him on the mirror at night, and he had to expend some of his precious tiny bit of energy weakly insisting that it looked worse than it was and really, he was doing fine. Sirius had never before been so painfully aware of lying.

By his fifth day home, there was nothing more for him to do around the house. The floors were scrubbed or swept, the rugs and curtains beaten, the silver polished, the furniture dusted, the windows cleaned.

It was just as well; as Sirius was pretty sure he couldn't have dragged himself out of bed this morning. The pain washed in like the tide, each wave deeper than the last, never receding quite as far. It took too much effort to draw the air into his lungs, far too little for the air to be crushed out as his ribs felt the next wave of pain. One of his eyes was swollen shut; the other was buried in a pillow. There was nothing here worth seeing. He was freezing cold, so cold he thought he should be shivering, but somehow his broken body knew that trembling would hurt more. He was grateful that it knew.

Sirius's mind felt so full of pain, yet so empty of everything else. Everything but this felt as a distant memory. He didn't even know why it hurt so badly, except that he usually got a couple days to recuperate between beatings, rather than daily torment. And maybe his mother's Unforgivable Curses had something to do with it.

"Sirius?" With more effort than he really wanted to expend, Sirius forced his arm across the bed to the nightstand and gripped his mirror, drawing it back close to himself.

"James?" he murmured. He didn't open his eyes.

There was a long pause, but James finally spoke. "I don't know what to say."

"What do you mean?" Sirius asked hoarsely.

"Well, I sort of want to ask if you're okay, but obviously you're not. I sort of want to ask you what hurts, but I'm afraid to know. I really want to beg you to let me get you out of there, but I already know what you're going to say."

"I'm just really tired, Prongs," Sirius whispered. "No work today, just this."

"I guess I'll let you rest, then," James said softly. Then he gave in to temptation. "But please, Sirius, let me tell someone. I can't stand seeing you like this."

"You can't, James. Just don't look. It's easier." Sirius let the mirror fall over face down on the mattress.

He wasn't sure if he went to sleep or just waited in darkness, nor was he sure if it mattered. But eventually, he let his eyes drift open to stare at the wall of his room.

"Do you need anything?" Sirius jumped at the noise, then moaned as everything hurt worse.

"Reg?" he whispered, turning over to look at his brother.

"Do you?" Regulus persisted.

"No, not really," Sirius replied.

"How about something to eat?"

"Not hungry."

"Eat something anyway," Regulus said, handing him some bread.

Sirius accepted it, too tired to argue.

The bed sloped as Regulus sat on the edge of it. Sirius pushed himself into a sitting position, wincing at the movement.

"Sirius?" Regulus asked softly.

"Yeah?"

"You know how I said you couldn't run away?"

"Mhmm."

"I think…I think maybe I was wrong," Regulus said quickly, quietly, looking down at his hands. "Maybe…maybe you do need to get out of here."

"I can't, Reg, you know that," Sirius whispered.

"Why not, Sirius? You can't stay here. It's only getting worse."

"But what about you?" Sirius asked, clasping his hands together tightly, watching his knuckles turn white under the pressure.

"I'll be okay…" Regulus trailed off uncertainly.

"Exactly," Sirius muttered. In one quick movement he pulled himself off the bed to a standing position, waited for the room to stop spinning, and then turned to face his brother. "Look, I'm okay. Walking, talking, everything. Stop worrying about me. I've only got a couple months here, and then I'm free."

"But can you make it that long?" Regulus asked dubiously, standing to face Sirius. Sirius blinked as he realized Regulus was the same height as him now.

"Don't worry about me," Sirius said again.

Regulus nodded, and turned to leave. He paused, hand on the doorknob, looked back over his shoulder. "I hope you're right, Sirius." And he was gone.

Sirius sat back on the edge of his bed, Regulus' words echoing in his head. _I hope I'm right too…_ because at this rate, deep down he knew that it would be a miracle if he made it out.


	63. Chapter 63

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Sixty-Three**

The fire grumbled as Regulus whirled to a stop and stepped out into the living room of 12 Grimmauld Place. He dusted the soot off his clothes and onto the ancient, dusty stone of the hearth before he moved across the room to the open archway that was the entrance to the area. The stairs hobbled unevenly upwards to his room, but Regulus was drawn toward the room next to the stairs.

The dining room had sliding doors, enchanted to be silent and smooth. Ancient glass haunted the panes of the doors, skulking behind curtains the deep maroon of dried blood.

The door was cracked slightly, trembling words trickling from behind it as Regulus stood concealed by the door frame listening.

"But what will we do?" Walburga's silky voice rippled with anxiety.

"We have enough to sustain us." Orion's low voice echoed like the softest thunder. "Enough for a while, long enough to find a new position, perhaps."

"They wouldn't dare replace you?" Walburga asked breathlessly.

"They would," Orion growled, voice seething with anger. "Replacing everyone with those good-for-nothing mudbloods."

"They can't," Walburga whispered. "No one will stand for it!"

"But they are!" Orion exclaimed. "Those damn muggle-loving traitors…And to think, my own son…"

"He will come around, Orion," Walburga assured him. "He's giving in, I can tell. Bit by bit…"

"Bit by bit isn't enough," Orion muttered. "The Dark Lord is very angry already. He may turn his anger on us if we don't quell the boy's insolence."

A chair ground across the floor and Regulus could hear his mother murmuring soothing words to his father.

Quickly, he moved away, down the hall and up the stairs before either decided to leave the dining room to find him eavesdropping. Regulus could still remember the time Sirius had been caught eavesdropping when he was ten. His punishment wouldn't be so severe, but it wouldn't be desirable.

Plodding upwards to his room, Regulus considered. His father was concerned about losing his job at the ministry due to an influx of mudbloods. It was ironic, in a way, that a group Orion spent so much time deprecating now caused him such fear. But it made Regulus afraid also. Afraid of the state his parents would be in, should Orion lose his job.

To lose one's job is disgraceful, but for a pureblood to be outranked by a mudblood is something else entirely. Orion wouldn't stand for that, and Regulus could only imagine what he might do. He feared Orion's wrath might not remain within the worn walls of 12 Grimmauld Place.

Which wasn't to say that the way things were here were desirable. Regulus spent as much time as possible away from home because he couldn't take the tension. He was tired of hearing his mother fret over his father's drunkenness. Tired of hearing his father's slurring words and clunking motions. Tired of hearing his brother's worn body crash to the floor.

Yet, he couldn't truly pull himself away. He had too many unspoken responsibilities.

He had to comfort his mother, distract her from her fears of the Dark Lord's wrath. He had to distract her from Orion's drinking. From Sirius' problems. Anything he could.

He had to make sure Sirius got something to eat each day. It was only too obvious how much he needed it. And as much as he could, Regulus tried to help Sirius clean up his injuries, though, truth be told, Sirius hadn't yet recovered at all from his battle with the stairs, and each added injury compounded the problem. Sirius spent a lot of time in bed, trying to sleep off the pain like a bad hangover.

Regulus was feeling the strain as much as anyone else. He felt both desperately busy with the tasks at hand, yet hopelessly empty handed when he looked at his mother's misplaced anger and his brother's broken bones.

How much could he do to pull the family together when it was already fragmented, a civil war with no commanders, and no chance of a peace treaty?

He tried to tell Sirius to just leave. It would be better, and really, Regulus wasn't worried about his parents. Perhaps even, if Sirius was gone, he might actually get noticed.

The best thing for Sirius would be to just leave. Anyone could tell that, just looking at the frailty of Sirius' life. Yet, Sirius was inexplicably tied here, floating just above the surface, tethered to the family.

Regulus wouldn't pry. If Sirius wasn't going to run away, then he wasn't going to, and there was nothing to be done about it. Though, Regulus often felt that if Sirius was going to have that attitude, the least he could do was stand up for himself a bit. It was frustrating. Though he had been upset when Sirius did stand up for himself, thought him too defiant. He always seemd to be angry with Sirius.

Or maybe he was angry with himself, because he felt a little guilty. Sirius was staying for him, and staying was hurting, maybe even killing him. By extension, Regulus was murdering his brother for selfish purposes. Though was he really, if Sirius was too stupid to just leave?

Regulus wished his brother would just run for it. He wished his father would quit misplacing the blame of the economy on Sirius and his moral views. He wished Walburga would stop flitting around the house nervously rearranging, while jinxing Sirius whenever she felt he needed it.

Most of all, Regulus just wished he could have a happy family. But obviously, that was far beyond reach.


	64. Chapter 64

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Sixty-Four**

A week and a half passed. July hovered expectantly at the end of the week, waiting to be recognized. June clung tightly to its remaining time, watching it crawl haltingly forward.

Sirius lay in bed late that evening, watching the sun snake through his window and paint the floor. He watched as it oozed onto his desk and waited there to be captured by the red horizon as the sun twitched lower.

There was nothing for him to do, save for sit in his room and wait to heal or wait to be hurt. He couldn't keep track anymore of what hurt, not really. There was just a general achiness surrounding him. But he could get used to that. It was almost easier, when he knew it would be every night, knowing when to expect the blows.

He sighed as he glanced at the clock's glaring hands. His father would be home soon. Ought to make himself presentable. One less reason for his father to hit him. One more thing that wouldn't matter at all. Sirius rolled out of bed quickly, then rooted around in drawers for clothes to wear.

He stood uncertainly once he was ready, unsure of what to do while he waited for what he knew was coming. It made him feel almost ill, the hopelessness of it. Knowing he would be beaten, doing absolutely nothing to stop it. It was pathetic.

Sirius sat down in the hard wood chair at his desk, beginning to shift papers around. He hadn't cleaned up this desk since the beginning of last summer, simply allowing things to pile up across it whenever he was home. It wasn't like he needed the space for anything else.

An old note from James, and he smiled in spite of everything. Then he bit his lip hard, remembering how different it all was then. He slipped the letter into a drawer.

A few crossed out sentences of a Transfiguration essay. Balled up and sent sailing into the depths of the closet.

A broken quill, an empty bottle of ink, half a chocolate frog. Chucked under the bed.

A smooth envelope, mottled wax muting its secrets. Sirius reached for it, fingers brushing against the expensive parchment, gently picking it up, taking care not bend the edges.

A letter, addressed to him, never opened. He turned it over and stared at the seal again, wondering. He squinted at the design in the wax, but he couldn't make it out.

He slipped a finger into the slight opening at the corner of the envelope, barely running his skin along the edge of the envelope, as though wanting a paper cut.

The wax jumped free of its attachment as soon as his hand neared it, letter opening for all to see.

His eyes leapt to the end of the short letter, honing in on the name. Sadness hit him like a physical blow, leaving him breathless, dizzy. Adrenaline pounded into the empty space, his hopes skyrocketing.

Could it be? Was he really about to get some answers? Hands shaking, he started at the beginning of the letter, mouthing the words as he read.

_Sirius, _

_From the time you were young, I knew you were not like the other Blacks. I could tell you would be one who couldn't buy into the pureblood mania and dark magic. _

_I've encouraged you, Sirius, because you needed the guidance. You needed direction, at first. _

_But now you don't need that direction. You know who you are. You know what matters. Really, Sirius, you never needed to ask me. You've known all along what's best._

_As for Regulus, that is out of your hands. If he is above the corruption of this family, he will follow in your footsteps, and that's all you can hope for. _

_I apologize for the brevity of this note, but I think I've said all that needs to be said. I can't tell you what to do here, Sirius. I can only tell you to ask yourself what matters most, and then go after it. _

_Uncle Alphie_

Sirius clenched his fists around the edges of the parchment, biting his lip hard. A fat lot of good that was. He went to the trouble to ask all these questions, and all he got back was "you already know." If he had known he wouldn't have asked!

He couldn't make this decision. He couldn't choose to leave, but he couldn't very well stay either. Why couldn't anyone help with this? Damn it, why was he so bloody alone all the time?

Sirius shoved his chair back from his desk, crushing the parchment in one hand and jamming it into his jeans pocket. Despite its obvious lack of helpful hints, he couldn't bring himself to throw it away. He still cared about his uncle.

He paced back and forth, ignoring the vague aching in his chest, and the soreness of the bruise that remained on his hip. _What do I do? Damn it, damn it, damn it._ He was so angry he could hardly breathe.

The heavy oak door downstairs crashed closed. "SIRIUS!"

_Damn it again_, he thought mutinously. Still helpless to stop what was coming, despite his uncle's "answers," he opened the door to his room and began his descent. He didn't bother to hurry. He wasn't looking forward to this.

Orion met him halfway up the stairs, grabbing Sirius' arm and jerking him down four stairs so that they were eye to eye.

His eyes were black with hate, darkly poisonous, swallowing every ounce of Sirius' anger, feeding on it. Sirius was less than three inches from his father, vision blurring with Orion's visage.

There was no scent of alcohol. Orion was in control, so completely in control, of both himself and Sirius. Completely knowing, completely intentional.

"Are you happy now, boy?" Orion breathed, his voice grating in his throat like the growl of a beast. He was powerful, crushing Sirius' arms in his grasp, shaking him so hard his vision went black for a moment.

He was floating, slipping, falling back, legs collapsing under him, skull cracking against the edge of the stair under the thin carpet. His arm moved up, fingers threading into his hair, tangling the blood in.

Orion stared down at him, lips twisting into a snarl. His dark hair fell forward, unkempt. "You've fucking ruined everything!"

A heavy kick to the ribs, he could hear bone splinter, screaming like a shattered window. He tumbled down a few stairs, the carpet scraping at his exposed skin, his only protection his flimsy T-shirt. Each stair delivered another crushing blow.

Orion's mighty hand snatched the sleeve of the T-shirt, and Sirius was suspended there, hanging, trainers scrabbling for floor and finding none. "You deserve this, Sirius," Orion hissed.

Sirius crumpled in a heap on the hard floor of the hallway, arms over his head. Heavy booted footsteps slowly tracking toward him. "Please, father, please don't…" he begged breathlessly. He couldn't hear his own words.

"It's people like you who screw up the world!" Orion snapped, one boot connecting with Sirius' shoulder. "I lost my job today. To filthy, muggle-loving scum, just like you!" A blow to his stomach, lifting him off the floor.

He meant to gasp, clench his teeth, fight the pain. It came out as a whimper.

"You are pathetic! So fucking weak," Orion said, using one boot to roll Sirius onto his back. He put his foot in the center of Sirius' chest, enough pressure to hurt, enough to make his lungs squirm for air. "An eating disorder? Ridiculous."

Orion knelt next to Sirius, fingers clenching at the collar of his shirt, pulling him up a bit. "You are a disgrace. And I'm going to make you pay!"

The tip of a wand, right between Sirius' eyes, and his world exploded into a flash of fiery red light, burning him, inside and out, paralyzing him. His eyes were open but all he saw was red, swathed across everything. He could only hear the roar of the magic and the choking screaming coming from his own throat.

He felt cold suddenly, shivering so hard, every little muscle crying out. Darkness covered him, chilled and damp like the tiniest dungeon. His breath came in whispered gasps, his head spinning.

Orion's face loomed out of the darkness. "Weak. Pitiful." Hands at his collar again, hauling him upwards, he couldn't move at all.

"Please, please just stop…"

"Had enough?" Orion whispered, hot breath filling Sirius' ear.

"Yes, please, father," Sirius breathed.

"Too bad!" Orion shouted, his fist slamming into Sirius' face, his head snapping back from the force. "You've had enough –" another punch – "when I say you've had –" an elbow to the stomach, folding him in half – "enough!" Sirius was slipping back into blackness, crumpling to the ground.

"Please, just leave me alone!" he cried. "I didn't do it!"

"Didn't do it?!" Orion roared. "Didn't do it! You did it all! You're the reason for all of it!"

Orion jerked Sirius up by the collar, slamming his back against the wall. "Don't you ever talk to me that way again!" he screamed and his hands found Sirius' throat.

His small hands clawed at Orion's huge ones, his feet kicked out. The emptiness flamed through his lungs, crumpling them like worthless parchment. His heart thumped hard, pounding out a rhythm in his ears. "Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead."

Sirius was going to die. And the last thing he would see would be his father's face.


	65. Chapter 65

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Sixty-Five**

The darkness snuffed out all the light around the edges of his vision, leaving only the black fire of Orion's eyes. His lungs hungered for air, his brain needed oxygen.

Dark swept across his vision like the wispy edges of a storm cloud, screening everything from sight. He was going to die like this, no dignity; a bloody, broken mess at his father's hands.

_You've known all along what's best_. It swam into his mind slowly, then pulsed clearer. _Known all along…ask yourself what matters most…_

What mattered most was that his father didn't win. What mattered most was that he was right all along. And damned if he was going to lose now.

A blinding burst of brilliant light, and Orion was flung backwards. Sirius was crumpled on the floor, clutching at his throat as he drank in the air, coughing as it nearly drowned him in its potency. The grainy wood of the hallway swam across his vision as he choked on the oxygen, gasping as the darkness drained away.

His magic had come through for him, just as it had when he was young, before he learned to control it. _Thank you, _he thought. _Thank you._

"How dare you?!" Orion bellowed, pulling himself to his feet. He took a slow step toward the place where Sirius was on his hands and knees on the floor.

Adrenaline surged through Sirius' veins, making his head swim. He put a hand against the wall, using it to support him as he dragged himself up to standing. His legs shook under his weight, but he was standing.

"You're going to regret that, boy," Orion rumbled, taking another step forward.

"Stay away," Sirius spat.

"What did you say to me?" Orion demanded.

"You heard me." Sirius painfully straightened up all the way, letting go of the wall. He swayed a little, but remained standing. "I'm leaving."

"You are not," Orion said in a low voice.

Sirius looked to the stairs, where Walburga and Regulus stood, watching the whole exchange. Walburga looking both furious and nervous, Regulus pale with shock. Then he turned and ran up the stairs.

Sirius tore his gaze away from the place where Regulus had been. "I am. And you had better not try to stop me." He took a few hobbling steps backward. Orion didn't move.

Sirius turned slowly, looking toward the door. There was a yell, and four crashing footsteps before the impact.

He was thrown to the floor, Orion over him. He turned, trying to push himself up to make a break for it. One huge, black boot came down on his left hand, his yell filling his ears.

Loud fast footsteps and Walburga's command "No!"

Orion's fist slamming down onto his back, knocking the breath from him.

A clattering sound and the familiar piece of wood rolling toward him. He snatched it without thought, pointing it over his shoulder. "Impedimenta!" he screamed.

A bang and Orion flew backwards, collapsing to the floor. Regulus was frozen there, his arm still poised where it had tossed Sirius' wand, staring in ill-concealed alarm at Sirius.

He couldn't speak, didn't have time. He pushed himself to his feet, using the crushed hand as well, and he was running on legs shaky with adrenaline, the oak door slamming behind him.

It was a tiny bit chilly out, the roads soaked and oil-slicked, but it wasn't raining, the sky was clear. His trainers pounded the slippery pavement, sending painful reverberations up through his body.

He knew where he was going without a thought. It was far away, but it was the only option, and it was where he was going.

It hurt so bad, Merlin, he couldn't remember ever hurting this bad. He still inhaled in a wheeze and exhaled in a cough. His ribs were still splintered, pricking his flesh over and over again. His hand was crushed, he couldn't even form a fist. His hip ached. His head swam and threatened to spin away.

But he kept running. He had to keep going. He'd never get there if he didn't. He'd collapse, or just die, and he wouldn't get there. He needed help, but he was all alone, so, so, so alone.

What could he even do about that? His mirror was in his trunk, in his room, in his former house that was not a home, full of relatives who weren't a family. He didn't have muggle money to use a phone, and he didn't know anyone who owned a muggle phone anyway.

He didn't know how to Apparate, didn't have a license for it, he was only sixteen for Merlin's sake, what the bloody hell was he doing out here by himself, running far away with no hope of getting there?

He couldn't catch his breath. He felt so weak. He stumbled, caught himself, then fell anyway.

He lay still on the pavement, feeling his bones grind against the ground through his shirt as his chest heaved and he gasped for breath. He touched his neck where it hurt so badly. It felt hot, inflamed. He stared up at the tiny pricks of light that were stars, searching for the Dog Star, failing to find it. He was lost.

His eyes stung with unshed tears. He couldn't make it. He summoned up the courage to leave, and now he was going to die on the street? He was losing blood, a lot of it. He felt weak, flimsy, like the tiniest thing would crush him. It already had.

"I don't want to die," he whispered, feeling his labored breathing hitch. "Please, I don't want to die."

He had probably already been removed from the family tree. Maybe they'd already burned his stuff. He would be forgotten there.

His friends wouldn't know what had happened to him. Disappeared one night, would be the story. Just gone. Never could find him.

No big loss.

Everyone would forget about him. He wasn't confident, popular Sirius Black, not anymore. He was weak, messed-up, Sirius…whatever he was without the Blacks. Easily forgettable.

He didn't want to be forgotten. He didn't want to die. There had to be some way he could get there.

It hit him, that quickly. He agonizingly pulled himself up, stepped onto the sidewalk. He stuck out his wand hand.

With a _bang!_ the violently purple Knight Bus careened out of nothingness and screeched to a halt in front of him.

He took advantage of the conductor's stunned silence, handing the man everything he found in the pocket of his jeans – 5 sickles, an acid pop, and a pocket sneakoscope – and hoped it was enough.

He paused for just a moment before collapsing on one of the beds, either to live or die, whichever happened. Just a moment, just long enough to whisper an address.


	66. Chapter 66

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Sixty-Six**

James stumbled sleepily into the kitchen, rubbing at his eyes as he yawned widely. He cringed at the cold floor under his bare feet.

It was almost one in the morning, yet his parents were still off at the party of some dull Ministry drone who wanted nothing more than to shake a few hands and climb up the corporate ladder.

He was alone, this being the reason he had taken an early bed time. Nothing else to do.

It was the resounding _bang!_ that had pulled him from his bed, down to investigate what he diagnosed to be either a large explosion or a house collapsing.

The kitchen was well-lit. He had forgotten to extinguish the lights before he went to sleep. It was probably a good thing he had woken up, else his mother would be quite miffed. He considered himself lucky the collapsing house wasn't his own.

He moved through the kitchen, to the living room, peering through the blinds at the dark, calm night. Nothing to be seen.

_What the bloody hell woke me up, then?_ he wondered irritably.

A timid creaking came from the huge, imposing front door. He turned to look at it.

His ears strained for the sound. It wasn't a creak so much as a feeble sort of tapping noise.

Dark foreboding overcame James and he sprinted the few feet to the door, fumbling with the lock and jerking it open.

Sirius Black was propped against the doorframe, legs shaking beneath him, blood dripping slowly to the floor. James froze for a moment, taking it in. Blood trailed from above his eye down to his jaw. He had a deep purple bruise about his eye, spreading down across his cheekbone, to the side over his temple. His lip was split, blood trickling from it slowly, and James could see the remnants of a nosebleed.

"Bloody hell," he whispered, shocked.

"Can I come in?" Sirius rasped, looking up at James.

James' mouth fell open. Around Sirius' neck, two bruised handprints, the sickly violet of a brand new occurrence. He could see Sirius' throat moving under that hideous bruise, sharp and sudden as Sirius coughed out a breath.

James took a step back, opening the door wider, gesturing entrance. Sirius used one fragile arm to push himself from the doorway, and promptly lurched forward as his legs gave out.

"Whoa, Sirius, hold on," James said, catching him. He slid Sirius' arm about his shoulders, slipped his own arm around Sirius' small waist. "Does this hurt?" he asked softly. "Can you walk?"

"Everything hurts," Sirius croaked. "I can walk if you help."

They made slow progress into the kitchen, where James positioned Sirius in a chair. He knelt in front of his friend, waiting.

"I – I ran away," Sirius choked out.

"Good boy," James whispered breathlessly.

Sirius nodded weakly.

"How did you get all the way here?" James asked softly. "Why didn't you go to Remus?"

Sirius tried to push his chair back. "I can leave, if you don't want –"

"No, you bloody well cannot leave!" James exclaimed, putting a hand on Sirius' shoulder. "Merlin."

Sirius nodded slowly, pulling in a deep breath. It rattled painfully, like something was broken. James looked at the blood soaking through Sirius' baggy T-shirt. "It's the full moon," Sirius said, finally.

James' heart sank. Sirius was sitting here in front of him, in so much pain, and had decided to travel farther just so he wouldn't bother Remus.

He looked a little closer. His skin was deathly pale, like he had already lost a lot of blood. One of his hands was bent wrong. He needed help.

"Stay here just a minute, okay?" James requested. "I'm going to call my parents."

He made to stand up, but Sirius caught his sleeve. "No. Don't go," Sirius whispered. "Please…please don't leave me."

James met his eyes, the overwhelming fear that threatened to pour over, and he nodded. Sirius gave a miniscule nod, but didn't let go of James' sleeve.

"Will you let me take a look?" James asked softly. "Maybe there's something I can do."

Sirius nodded again, biting his lip. James looked at Sirius' shirt, at the blood covering it. "You're bleeding, there," James said.

Sirius let go of James' sleeve to grasp the hem of his own shirt, tugging it off awkwardly with his one good hand.

There weren't words for how he looked. He was so far past skinny, far away from thin, beyond emaciated. His skin clung to his bones tightly. James could see his collarbone angle sharply away from the hollow at the base of his throat, ending in the joints of tiny shoulders.

Blood pooled under the skin, dark symbols of familial dysfunction. Bruises layered on bruises, some still forming. Others were yellowing at the edges, the darkness ebbing back into the translucent white that wasn't much more comforting.

Trails of blood tripped down his exposed ribs, red smeared his arms as he covered the hollow under his ribs.

"Bloody hell." James met Sirius' eyes, finding aching emptiness, and fear. He looked a little closer, seeing the way Sirius blinked too rapidly, the way he swallowed hard, clenched his teeth. Like was trying not to cry.

The only words James could think of were curse words, and those did not seem helpful. He took a deep breath, tried to refocus. The worst cut, by far, was on Sirius' left side. It stretched down a few ribs, and it seemed deep. Bone – was that bone? Bloody hell – showed through the blood.

James reached behind him for the kitchen towel that was sitting on the table, and pressed it to the wound. Sirius cringed and pulled away. "Sorry," James said quietly. "But I've got to stop the bleeding, eh?"

Sirius let him put the towel back against the cut. "Hold this here, okay?" James said, gently placing Sirius' hand over the towel.

"Okay," Sirius whispered.

James stood up and looked at Sirius. "How about some tea?"

Sirius blinked. "Sure."

James stepped over to the stove, putting a kettle of water on, keeping a careful eye on Sirius.

"Listen," he said cautiously, waiting for Sirius to meet his eyes. Merlin, he looked so lost.

Sirius reacted slowly, like he was a long way away. His eyes were unfocused. He was shivering. Wasn't there a muggle term for that? Some medical thing he had never learned.

When Sirius was giving him attention, James cleared his throat awkwardly. "Listen, I know you don't want to," he began, "but you need to eat something. Even if it's something small. Just something, okay?"

Sirius didn't argue, just went back to staring at his broken hand.

As he waited for the water to boil, James cut up an apple, setting it on a paper plate. The kettle shrieked and Sirius jumped. James winced and grabbed the handle of the kettle, pulling it off the stove. He quickly fixed two cups of tea, then carried them and the plate over to the table.

"Here," he said, putting one mug and the plate in front of Sirius. "Sorry it isn't anything fancier," he said, indicating the apple. "But you know I can't cook." He smiled weakly, but Sirius didn't react.

"Eat," James urged softly. Sirius obediently picked up a section of apple and took a small bite.

"My parents should be home soon," James said. "My mum'll be able to fix you up." Or maybe they'd take one look and drag him to the hospital. But James wouldn't mention that now.

"James – I – thanks – I mean – I didn't – and you –" Sirius struggled for words, then fell silent, biting his lip.

"Hey," James whispered. He put a hand on Sirius' shoulder, looking him in the eye. "You're safe now, okay? You're okay now."

Sirius took a deep breath, and nodded. "Thank you."


	67. Chapter 67

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Sixty-Seven**

Sirius Black had nothing left to give.

He was a shell of his former self. A broken shell at that. He was a body that held nothing resembling a person. Just pain and fear and confusion and emptiness.

James mumbled softly, but Sirius couldn't catch the words. He let the hum of James' voice wash over him, listening faintly.

James looked increasingly worried, whenever Sirius managed to meet his eyes, which wasn't often. He was inexplicably drawn towards the bloodied towels that James deposited on the kitchen table. The paper towels were limp with his blood, the deeply opaque scarlet that shrouded them, hovered over them like imminent death. His death.

"Sirius? Sirius, calm down. It's okay, calm down." James' voice broke into his thoughts, loud. He dragged his eyes from the blood to look at James. Hazel eyes, behind glasses that desperately needed cleaning, wide and fearful. He wanted to tell James not to be scared. He wanted to make him stop panicking, stop looking at the blood, stop hurting and feeling numb at the same time. He wanted to be able to make it okay. And he couldn't.

He looked back at the blood again. It was draining from the paper towels, creeping across the table. And then there were hands and the towels were gone, leaving only an orangey red smear where they had been.

James looked apologetic as he muttered something Sirius didn't catch. His hands were stained red. Sirius watched the water from the faucet run pink as James scrubbed blood from his hands.

Weakness washed over him, forcing him to lean heavily against the table.

"Sirius? No, no, no," James murmured frantically, his bare feet making distant sounds on the tile floor as he rushed to Sirius. Sirius felt James' large hands on his shoulders, forcing him to sit up straight, to look his friend in the eye.

"I'm trying here, Sirius, so you don't get to do this, okay? You have to stay strong. Stay here with me, okay?" James spoke slowly, distinctly. Sirius nodded again. Words failed him.

"Okay. Now, did you hit your head?" Sirius frowned, let his eyes close, tried to remember. All he saw was scarlet pain.

"I don't know," he croaked. "I don't –"

"Shh, it's okay," James said softly. He lightly threaded his fingers into Sirius' hair, checking for blood or a bump, or something that would indicate injury.

"Ow," Sirius whimpered as James' fingers barely brushed the back of his head.

"I'm sorry," James said.

Sirius watched James turn very blurry, watched as his vision cleared and blurred again. He blinked, slowly reached up to touch his face. Tears.

Sirius Black did not cry. He just didn't. Crying shows weakness, vulnerability. The last thing Sirius wanted to show.

"It's okay, Padfoot," James said, carefully brushing the tears away.

"I don't cry," Sirius said firmly, even as three more tears spilled down his cheeks.

"I know you don't." James gave a small smile. "Are you cold?"

Sirius shook his head, frowning.

"You're shivering." James held up one finger, and left the kitchen for only a moment, returning before Sirius had enough time to panic. "Here." He draped a blanket around Sirius' shoulders, pulling it together over his bare chest. "Better?"

Sirius nodded mutely. The crying had stopped, his eyes were dry again, though his skin felt sticky with the salt of tears.

"Is it – is it okay if I – stay here?" Sirius asked brokenly.

"You don't even have to ask," James said.

Sirius looked back at the table, surprised to see the smear of blood had disappeared. He looked down at his bruised, crushed hand.

"Why do you keep doing that Sirius?" James whispered.

"I can't feel it enough," Sirius admitted softly, eyes locked on the bruises. "It's sort of numb."

James bit his lip, the worry creasing his brow again.

He heard the struggling of a key as it finally unlocked the door. He heard the moan of the hinges as the door opened. The clack of heels on the tile entryway.

"Mom. Dad." James called loudly, in a forced calm.

"James? What are you doing still – oh my," Mr. Potter broke off as he entered the kitchen.

"What happened?" Mrs. Potter gasped. Sirius dragged his eyes from his hand and looked at her.

"His father," James said, his tone hinting at suppressed anger. "That's all I know."

"His father –?" Mrs. Potter said weakly as she walked across the room. She brushed a hand across Sirius' cheek lightly, pushing his hair from his eyes.

"He's lost a lot of blood," James said, trying to maintain his composure.

"He needs St. Mungo's," Mr. Potter declared. Sirius blinked, looked up at him. Mr. Potter was tall like Sirius' father, but not imposing.

"I can help him," James said quickly. "He barely made it in the door. I have no idea how he made it all the way here."

Sirius made to stand up but found he couldn't; his head spun, the world went dark. He felt James' hand on his arm, his other hand at Sirius' shoulder, and then he was standing, one arm slung across James' shoulder, his blanket left in a heap on the chair.

Mrs. Potter gasped again, and Sirius felt James shake his head. Sirius opened his eyes, but it made him dizzy, it was too much all at once, so he closed his eyes again, leaning heavily against James, trusting his friend to lead them. His trainers squeaked as they scuffed across the floor, and he felt bad that he was probably leaving dirty footprints.

A fire snapped ominously in front of him, its hot breath wrapped around him. He opened his eyes to the warm orange, saw Floo powder glitter into the flames, staining them the green of the Slytherin serpent.

He looked at James; James whispered something he didn't catch. They stepped into the flames and James clearly stated where they were headed.

Sirius' eyes slammed shut as they began to spin, he sagged against James and could feel James struggling to keep him up.

When they stumbled out of the fire, Sirius opened his eyes and squinted against the shiny white of St. Mungo's hospital. The floors shone, the walls were antiseptic. The smell was nauseating.

"Sirius, c'mon. Sirius. Sirius!" James called to him, but he couldn't move. He felt frozen, so cold. It was white and cold like snow, but this was the middle of summer. Or was it? He couldn't tell anymore. Couldn't keep up.

His chest hurt again, his heart thudding too fast. Dead, dead, dead, deaddead, deaddead, deaddeaddead.

It was a relief when white surrendered to black.


	68. Chapter 68

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Sixty-Eight**

James refused to leave Sirius' side. His parents had disappeared to find something to eat, but he hadn't gone. He couldn't leave.

Sirius had been given a private room, one of the endlessly pale rooms of St. Mungo's Hospital for Magical Maladies and Injuries. Really quite odd, James thought, that they had brought Sirius here, when there was nothing at all magical about his injuries. They didn't have a specific ward for people who got beaten by their fathers. Sirius was in the Creature-Induced Injuries floor, which was about right, in James' opinion.

James felt it was quite frustrating that they hadn't been able to just wave their wands and fix Sirius. There had been a series of procedures done, leaving Sirius looking quite a bit worse for the wear, though many of his more prominent injuries had disappeared. For instance, his black eye was long gone, but his ribs were wrapped rather than healed. James was unsure as to why they would do that, but he wasn't a Healer, so he left it alone.

They had been at St. Mungo's for about six hours already. Most of the time was spent waiting in Sirius' empty room, dozing fitfully in an uncomfortable chair. When they brought Sirius back, the Healers asked James to inform them when Sirius woke up.

Which was why James remained seated in his uncomfortable chair and stared at his friend. He looked at the way Sirius' eyes were sort of sunken, with dark shadows haunting just underneath them. He looked at the fragility of Sirius' hands, his skin a thin, pale membrane stretched over bones. He looked at Sirius' chest rise and fall gently, wondering how much that hurt with broken ribs, or if Sirius was just used to that by now.

It was worrying that Sirius hadn't awakened. The Healers had said it might be a while; he had had more heart issues. They didn't go into specifics, and he didn't ask. He wanted Sirius to wake up, to tell him what happened, to be okay.

On the other hand, he wasn't ready to face Sirius. He needed the time to compose himself. The whole night had been too much to handle. He didn't even know what to say.

"I wish I could talk to Lily. Or Remus. Or even Peter," James said aloud. "But I can't do that, can I? You came all the way to my place so as not to bother Remus. Lily is at her muggle house, so she can't exactly help. Peter is on holiday…somewhere. Merlin, I can't even remember. So I guess it's just us."

James, sighed loudly. "What do I say to you, Padfoot?"

Sirius made no movement, just continued to lie still, looking tiny and broken.

"I'm glad you ran away. I'm glad you came to me, even if Remus' was closer. I'm glad we got you here and you're going to be okay." James stood up slowly, stretching out his back.

He began to pace. "What bothers me is that you wouldn't let me tell anyone. I don't like that you stayed there so long. I don't like that you showed up with huge bruises on your neck like you'd been strangled. I don't like that you're a skeleton and you don't see it."

James stopped pacing, feeling suddenly exhausted. "Reckon it's the first sign of insanity, talking to yourself." He paused. "'Spose I'm talking to you though. So even if you can't hear me, I'm obviously not mad."

He frowned, stepping closer to Sirius. "You know what is mad, though?" he asked.

"This," he answered himself, picking up Sirius' arm, carefully, lest his touch leave bruises on the fragile skin. "Look at yourself, Sirius. This is too much. Or should I say not enough? You have to stop this. You have to _eat_. And I don't care if it makes you mad to hear it."

He lowered Sirius' arm back to where it had lain on top of the blankets.

"'Course, you have no idea what I'm saying, do you?" James asked sadly, dropping back into his chair.

Sirius remained dead to the world, eyes closed tightly. James sighed again. "What am I supposed to say?"

* * *

At some point, and he wasn't sure when exactly this was, Sirius became aware that he was awake. His eyes were still closed, and he felt quite alone, but he was definitely awake.

He knew this from the pain. It wasn't excruciating, it wasn't overwhelming, but it was definitely, persistently there. It wasn't nearly as bad as it had been, though there was a curious achiness in his chest that seemed both new and familiar.

The second thing he became aware of was the fact that someone was speaking. The voice was faint, distant, with a note of desperation, smoothed over with an attempt at a soothing tone.

Sirius opened his eyes a tiny bit, recoiling at the brightness beyond. Nevertheless, he forced his eyes open.

A blurry shape loomed overhead, and slowly dissolved into the familiar face of James Potter.

"Hey," James whispered, smiling a little. "How do you feel?"

Sirius mumbled something that was completely indiscernible, both to James and himself. His throat still ached, and it was dry and scratchy. He eyed the glass of water on the table near him.

"Oh, here," James said. He helped Sirius sit up, then handed him the glass of water, which Sirius gratefully accepted.

"What happened?" Sirius asked softly, throat still aching.

"You're at St. Mungo's," James answered, fidgeting with the edge of Sirius' blanket. "You had heart problems again and you collapsed." That explained the pain in his chest.

"How long?" Sirius asked.

"Just overnight," James assured him quickly. "Well, and half of today. Which is pretty good, considering…"

"Considering what?" Sirius demanded.

"The Healers said that – that you were pretty bad off, because of the exhaustion and the malnutrition and all…"

"I'm not malnourished," Sirius informed him.

"Yeah, mate, you are," James said. "Honestly, you were a bloody skeleton before you left school, and I'd bet my broomstick you haven't had a full meal since."

"I –" Sirius began, but James cut him off.

"I don't want to argue about it, okay? The Healers said you're malnourished, not me. Take it up with them."

Sirius scowled at him, but fell silent.

"Listen…" James began awkwardly. "The Healers have been asking a lot of questions, and I didn't really know what to tell them."

"What kind of questions?" Sirius asked, his heart sinking.

"Well, we had to tell them that it was your father –"

"You what?" Sirius exclaimed. "Why?"

"They would notify your parents otherwise!" James said quickly. "We didn't think you'd want that."

"Oh," Sirius said quietly, looking down. "Right."

"You'll have to tell them yourself later, 'cause wizarding law says they can't just take our word for it. Anyways, they wanted to know…what exactly happened, and I didn't know." James shifted his weight uncomfortably and bit his lip. "They were asking about curses and potions, and Merlin, Sirius, they didn't…did they?"

"Curses?" Sirius whispered. "Yeah, they did."

James shook his head, hard, then shoved his chair back and stood up abruptly. He turned, wandering over to the window. He put one arm up over his head, slamming his fist against the wall, then letting his forehead rest on the glass.

"I'm sorry," Sirius said, voice choked. "I shouldn't have said anything."

"Damn it, Sirius, stop apologizing," James said. "This isn't your fault and I don't know why you think it is."

Sirius cringed and fell silent again. James sighed loudly, his breath fogging the window.

"Sorry, I shouldn't snap at you. You're in the bloody hospital and here I am yelling at you."

"It's okay," Sirius said in a small voice. He tugged at a loose thread at the hem of his blanket. James took a deep breath and turned to face him.

"I was supposed to get the Healer when you woke up, but I thought you would want some warning about what they were going to ask." He moved across the room, towards the door. "I'll go find the Healer, okay?"

Sirius nodded, and James disappeared, leaving Sirius absolutely alone.

He twisted the blanket in his hands, chewing on his lip. _Oh, stop it. He'll be gone for a few minutes, _he told himself. It was ridiculous. Why was he so dependent?

Sirius heard heavy footsteps at the door of his room, and he turned to see, rather than the familiar silhouette of his best friend, a much larger, more ominous shadow.

His large stature took up most of the doorway, his cloak billowing slightly as he stepped into the room. Dark eyes burned underneath eyebrows slanted low in a menacing glare.

He waved his wand, and Sirius' potential scream was swallowed by the silence. Another _swish_ of the strip of mahogany, and the door snapped closed, the lock clicking sharply.

Two strides and he was at the bed, leaning over Sirius to whisper in his ear.

"You thought you could just leave? You thought I would let you go?" Orion smiled viciously. "You thought wrong."

Sirius tried to back away, but his father caught his arm, holding him in place. "And to put our reputation on the line…foolish boy. You have no idea how angry I was when I heard you were here…Of course, you'll know soon enough," Orion hissed, his grip on Sirius' arm tightening to the point of being painful.

"Please, no," Sirius tried to say, but the silencing charm did its job well.

Orion laughed bitterly. "Pathetic." He twisted Sirius' arm, hard, laughing at Sirius' silent scream. Then his hand found Sirius' throat.

The door handle jiggled, someone trying to get in. But Orion didn't hear it. Sirius struggled against Orion, but his grip was too tight, and he couldn't breathe, his vision going dark at the edges. "I should have finished what I started," Orion spat. "You won't cause trouble for me again."

A muffled incantation, a sharp crash, and several people spilled into the room. Orion whirled, one hand still at Sirius' throat, the other pointing his wand.

"Let go of him," Mr. Potter said, wand pointed, eyes dangerous.

"This has nothing to do with you, Potter," Orion snarled. His grip had loosened ever so slightly, and Sirius could get just a tiny bit of oxygen. But he still couldn't get enough air.

"I can't let you harm Sirius," Mr. Potter said through clenched teeth. "Let him go, now."

Orion turned to look at Sirius, then shook his head slightly. His hand dropped from Sirius' throat, and before anyone could say anything, Orion Disapparated.

Sirius's hands went up to protect his neck, as he coughed and gasped for air. A Healer hurried over to him.

"It's all right, Sirius. Just breathe. Slow down. It's all right now," the Healer murmured soothingly. Sirius did as he was told, but it was still several minutes before he could breathe easy.

The Healer gently took Sirius' uninjured arm, holding his fingers to Sirius' wrist and looking at his watch. "That's better," he said, once he had let go of Sirius' arm.

"My name is Guthrie LaFolle. I'm your Healer," he introduced himself. Sirius just looked at him, silent. He took in the bushy grey eyebrows slung over kindly blue eyes, the wire-rimmed spectacles that perched on a rather large nose, which hovered over a reassuring smile. The man was tall, like Orion, but had a relaxed posture that implied an easy-going nature.

"I'd like to take a look at your other arm, if that's all right," LaFolle said. Sirius mutely nodded consent. He felt suddenly exhausted, too weak to refuse much of anything.

As LaFolle examined his arm, Sirius risked a glance at James. James' eyes were huge, scared, questioning. It hadn't been real for him before, the things Sirius lived with daily.

"Ow," Sirius yelped as LaFolle prodded his sore arm. But there was no sound.

"Oh!" Mr. Potter said, and waved his wand. "Is that better?"

"Yeah," Sirius said weakly, his voice shockingly gravelly.

"Just a fracture, I think," LaFolle said. He waved his wand, and the pain was gone.

"Thank you," Sirius whispered. He looked down at his blankets.

"I had some questions for you…" LaFolle began. "But I can see you're quite tired. Perhaps it would be best if you rest now, and we can speak later?"

Sirius nodded gratefully. LaFolle smiled, and with a quick goodbye, swept from the room. Mr. Potter followed him, and they paused just outside the door.

"Sirius…" James whispered. He sat on the edge of the bed.

"I didn't want you to see..." Sirius began, but the rest of the words were lost as his breathing hitched again. He bit his lip hard, looking down. He felt humiliated; everything he had worked so hard to keep hidden had been on display. And he seemed so weak…

"Shh," James said softly. "It's okay." James placed a hand on Sirius back, starting to rub soothing circles there.

"I didn't want anyone to see me like that," Sirius breathed.

"You have nothing to be ashamed of," James whispered fiercely.

After a few long moments, Healer LaFolle returned with a goblet. Sirius drank the potion without question. James moved back to his chair, and Sirius lay down. He was asleep within minutes.


	69. Chapter 69

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Sixty-Nine**

Remus clutched James' letter tightly as he made his way through the winding halls of St. Mungo's. He glanced down at the wrinkled parchment again, looking for a room number in James' messy scrawl.

As far as he could tell, James had not learned how to make letters the same way everyone else had. Which was perfectly fine, except for the fact that when he was hurried or nervous, his letters did not distort in the same way others' writing did. The familiar shapes one would usually look for to identify certain letters were completely absent in James' writing.

To the best of Remus' ability to read James' chicken scratch, the letter read:

_Remus, _

_Not sure I'm allowed to tell you yet, but seeing as you've dealt with your furry little problem by now, I guess I can. _

_Sirius ran away from home last week, came to my place. He wasn't in good shape, and we took him to St. Mungo's. They're keeping him for a while, not sure how long. Thought you ought to know. _

_James. _

_P.S. I forgot where Peter is at for holiday, so I couldn't send him a letter…_

_P.P.S. Room number…_

Where the number of the room ought to be were some characters that Remus could only describe as hieroglyphics.

Sighing, Remus looked around for some hospital personnel to ask. He probably ought to have asked at the front desk, but he hadn't read the whole letter yet.

Upon receiving the letter this morning, he had only gotten so far as "St. Mungo's" before he was calling to his parents that he was going to London for the day, banging out of the front door and waving his wand for the Knight Bus.

"Excuse me, could you tell me which room Sirius Black is in?" Remus asked politely to an elderly wizard wearing a nametag.

The wizard, apparently rather busy making notes on a chart, did not answer but to wave his arm at three doors on the right side of the hallway.

"Er, thanks," Remus muttered. He wandered down the hallway, peeking into the open doors, looking for his friends.

Whatever Remus had been expecting, it wasn't what he found. He had thought after a week in St. Mungo's, Sirius would be looking better. He had hoped that he would find James and Sirius laughing and joking about something, and that it would be almost like old times because Sirius was finally getting some help.

Instead, he found Sirius alone in the room. He was in bed, propped up against several pillows so as to be able to weakly poke at the plate of food that was sitting on a tray across his bed. Bruises marred his skin, covering his arms, the side of his face, even his neck.

"Merlin," Remus whispered, and Sirius dropped his fork in surprise.

"Moony, what are you doing here?" Sirius asked, clearly shocked. His voice was rough and weak.

"James sent me a letter…" Remus trailed off as he took a few steps more into the room. "Sirius…what _happened?_"

"It's not as bad as it looks," Sirius began. "Well, no, actually it probably is. But don't worry!" he quickly added, seeing Remus blanch. "They've been giving me a ton of potions so it doesn't hurt too much."

"Why don't they just fix it?" Remus asked, though he relaxed a little.

"A bloke from the ministry is coming today," Sirius said. "Have to keep me looking bad so they can get a restraining order." He tried to sound nonchalant, but Remus could hear the fear in his voice.

"That's good, Sirius," Remus said softly, taking the chair next to Sirius' bed. "So you're safe now."

"Not yet," Sirius said, casting a glance towards the door.

"Your family isn't going to come here," Remus said.

"My father already did." Sirius' voice was hollow. "Tried to kill me," he said, gesturing at the bruises around his throat. "Guess he didn't want any spells traced back to his wand…"

"But they caught him?" Remus breathed.

"No," Sirius said shortly, looking at the door again. He twisted the blankets in his hands, and Remus watched the bones of his wrists shifting.

"Reckon you're supposed to eat that, eh?" Remus suggested, looking at the shepherd's pie on the plate in front of Sirius.

"I'm not hungry," Sirius mumbled, dropping the blanket to wrap his arms around himself.

"You've got to stop this, Sirius," Remus said.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sirius muttered, not meeting his eyes.

"Yes, you do," Remus insisted. "You've got to stop pretending."

"I'm not!"

"Yes, you are. You keep telling us you're okay even while we watch you waste away. How much do you weigh now? Six stone? Five?"

Sirius was silent, clenching his teeth hard and looking away.

"Look, Sirius," Remus said softly. "I'm not trying to accuse you of anything –"

"Sounds like you are," Sirius snapped.

"I'm sorry. I just can't stand seeing you like this," Remus answered honestly.

"Well, you don't have to worry about it," Sirius said bitterly. "They're putting me in some kind of_ treatment_. I have to go to a _therapist_." He spat the words with contempt.

"I take it that wasn't your idea?" Remus said lightly.

Sirius shook his head. "I don't want to go."

"You don't want to get better?"

"There's nothing wrong with me!" Sirius insisted.

"You think throwing up after you eat is normal?" Remus asked.

Sirius blinked, surprised. "Wh-what?"

"That's what you were doing, right? That's how you kept losing weight even after we started watching you eat." Remus shook his head. "I couldn't figure it out for the longest time. I should have realized."

"I wasn't – I mean, I didn't –"

"It's okay, Sirius. Well, I mean, it's not, it's really bad for you. But I'm not mad. I just want you to get help," Remus said sincerely.

Sirius turned away from him, blinking rapidly.

"You have no idea what it's like, Remus," Sirius said after a moment. "People always telling you that you aren't good enough, that you can't be good enough. You don't know what it's like knowing any little mistake you make will have huge consequences.

"You all think I'm crazy," he said faintly. "But I'm not."

"I know you're not," Remus whispered.

"I'm tired of this," Sirius said. "I'm tired of everything being so damn hard."

"Then let us help you," Remus said. "It's okay to accept help, you know."

Sirius looked up at him with questioning eyes. "Is it? Because it feels like just being even more dependent."

"You're supposed to depend on your friends," Remus informed him gently.

Sirius bit his lip uncertainly. Then he picked up the fork.

Remus smiled at him.

"Moony?" Sirius said, his voice choked.

"Yeah?"

"Are you sure this is the right thing?"

"Eating? Absolutely."

"It doesn't feel right."

"We'll work on that."

Sirius nodded, and hesitantly took a small bite. Remus could see the struggle and even fear in his face.

"It's okay. Trust me."

Sirius took another bite, chewing it very slowly.

Remus couldn't help himself. He felt pleased. He knew Sirius' problems were far from over, but this, at least, was a start.


	70. Chapter 70

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Seventy**

Sirius observed the man from the ministry with both amusement and apprehension.

He was a short, balding man with outdated robes and a strong tendency to fidget. He carried a battered black briefcase with two tarnished gold clasps, which he snapped open and closed repeatedly. He was rather red in the face and kept fanning himself with the crumpled papers he clutched tightly in his pudgy hand. His remaining hair was rather flyaway, giving him the air of someone who was highly stressed.

Despite his apparent stress and hurry, the man made little motion to actually get their meeting underway. He remained seated in his chair next to Sirius bed, alternately messing with the clasps of his briefcase and fanning himself with the half-strangled papers.

He hadn't even introduced himself, but Sirius deduced from his guest pass and ministry badge that his name was Gaspard Worple. Odd name, he thought, but he wouldn't comment. He supposed Sirius was a bit of an odd name too.

"Hi," Sirius said tentatively, as Worple still showed no intention to end the awkward silence.

"Hello," Worple said politely. He drummed his fingers on his briefcase.

Sirius waited a few seconds, but Worple didn't speak.

"Er, what are we waiting for?" Sirius asked.

"Did your Healer mention if he was going to be in to bring me your file?" Worple kept glancing at the doorway, then Sirius, then the paper he was holding, then back to the door. His eyes moved so fast, they made Sirius dizzy.

"He said he'd be in a bit later..." Sirius trailed off as Worple gave an impatient sigh.

"Right, well, I guess we could get going on some other stuff first," the man said, standing up. He put his briefcase on the end of Sirius' bed and flipped it open, removing first an intimidating stack of papers, and then a rather large camera.

"First off, I'm required to inform you of the laws surrounding the legal action you wish to take," Worple said. His voice had a sort of grating quality to it, like the scraping of metal against concrete.

"Uh-huh," Sirius said, eyeing the camera.

"There are a lot of old laws you'll have to go through. A lot of laws that have been etched in stone."

Sirius cracked his knuckled nervously. "What do you mean?"

"Pureblood families have always had strong protection under wizarding law. Which isn't to say that it's impossible," Worple said hastily. "Just that it's a pain. You'll have to fill out a lot of forms, give a statement. Show evidence of abuse…not that that's going to be an issue, obviously."

Worple gave him an almost appraising look.

"Will there be a trial?" Sirius asked, dreading the answer.

"No, not unless you want to press charges," Worple said, looking almost irritated at the question.

"I don't," Sirius said quickly. He just wanted it to be over.

Worple dug a handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped his forehead with it. "Then just a short presentation to a judge."

"What's the difference?" Sirius asked sharply, then tried to reign in his temper. Wouldn't do any good to anger the ministry guy.

"You don't have to be there," the man said simply. "I'd like to get the pictures out of the way, if you don't mind." His words were polite, but his tone was rude. Sirius scowled.

"Sure," he muttered.

Gaspard Worple took a lot of pictures. Every bruise he noticed was documented at least ten times. Sirius was made to remove his shirt so that Worple could photograph the bruises on his chest, as well as the bandages on his ribs. He was made to sit up against the headboard with his head tilted in a way that hurt his spine, in order to fully display the contusions on his neck.

The entire process felt entirely too invasive, and was made even worse by the abrasive nature of Gaspard Worple. By the end of the pictures, Sirius was almost willing to just take his chances with Orion finding him.

"You do realize," Worple said as he replaced the camera in his briefcase and snapped it shut, "that you'll have to sign some forms and write a statement in order to emancipate yourself from your parents."

"What?" Sirius asked blankly.

"Legally remove yourself from their care. Be on your own. Responsible for your own health and well-being." Worple eyed Sirius for a second. "Well, you'll probably have to get some other adult to handle your medical care. That might be better."

"Legally remove…" Sirius trailed off.

"Well you didn't expect to get a restraining order on your father and keep living in his house, did you?" Worple asked incredulously. "No, no, no. You'll have to make do on your own."

"On my own," Sirius repeated weakly.

"Bit more official than running away, isn't it?" Worple said absently. "Right. So look over these papers, be ready to sign things when I come back to witness it…I'll be looking into your assets too, to see if you have the means of supporting yourself."

"My assets?" Sirius stammered, not understanding.

"Yes, yes, your bank account and whatnot…you know, if I get out of here soon, I might make it home in time for dinner," Worple muttered to himself. "I'll find your Healer on the way out. Right, I'll be seeing you tomorrow."

He was gone, the only evidence of his former presence the stack of papers sitting on Sirius' lap.

Emancipation. The idea was both gratifying and horrifying. It was what he had always wanted, wasn't it? To be away from his parents, his cousins, all the Blacks…to never have to worry about returning home…

Home. Where would home be if he cut himself off? He wouldn't have anywhere to live. He would have to get a job, but he doubted that he could make enough money to pay for school supplies.

The idea of being independent was empowering. It was liberating to know he would no longer be controlled by his parents. But it was overwhelming as well. Could he be responsible for himself, be on his own like that?

His stomach hurt, he felt ill. It was too much pressure, this decision. And if he couldn't make this decision, how could he be expected to take care of himself completely?


	71. Chapter 71

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Seventy-One**

The door to Sirius' room was most of the way closed when Regulus got there. He stood uncertainly outside of it, chewing on his lip nervously.

He glanced around the empty hallway, verifying once again that there was no one present to recognize him. He didn't know what his parents would do if they found him here, but he suspected it would not be enjoyable.

Regulus silently crept closer to the door, holding his breath lest he be heard, and peering through the crack between the latch of the door and the doorframe.

He could see a rather gangly wizard slumped in a chair near the foot of a bed. The man had neat brown hair streaked with grey, horn-rimmed glasses that sat perfectly straight on his nose, above a rather crooked smile. His robes were stylish but hopelessly wrinkled, while his collar was ironed perfectly but was unbuttoned and drooping. He looked to be a rather contradictory man, though Regulus sort of liked him. He seemed pleasant enough, if his constant smiling was any indication.

Regulus strained to hear what was being said. He could hear mumbling speech, which he assumed to be coming from his brother, as the incongruous man's smiling lips weren't moving. He heard the speech pitch up at the end and assumed Sirius has asked a question.

"Well," said the man in a voice that was startling high-pitched, yet smooth and calming. "I think the best thing to do would be to sign the papers, don't you?"

There was a pause, and presumably Sirius nodded or something to that effect.

"Then what's holding you back?"

Mumble, mumble, mumble. Regulus scowled. Why hadn't Sirius ever learned to enunciate? This was so frustrating.

"Ah…I suppose that is quite a quandary. But perhaps you should wait to be sure about that until Mr.…Worple, did you say it was? Mr. Worple comes today. He may find something you didn't know about.

"Our time is almost up, but…shall we talk about eating for a moment?"

Regulus was hit with a baffling mixture of shock and relief. A therapist was there to talk to Sirius about eating? Regulus hadn't realized it was that bad. Or rather, he had. He had realized Sirius was much, much too thin. But how hard was it to just _eat_?

"Your friend Remus sounds like a wise individual," the contradictory man was saying when Regulus tuned back in.

Silence. Or a response from Sirius. He couldn't tell. And then suddenly, Sirius spoke, just loud enough for him to hear.

" I hated him for it. But I was glad he did it. Mostly, though, I hated him for it." He sounded ashamed.

"But you were a little glad he did it. Do you know what that means?"

"No."

"It means you want to get better. It means you want to be able to eat without feeling guilty. Our time is up, so I've got to go, but think about that, okay? I'll see you tomorrow."

The man stood up, moving towards the door, and Regulus leapt away from it quickly. He scurried down the hall a distance, and whirled about just as he heard the door squeak slightly.

The man hadn't seen him, so he pretended like he was just now walking down the hall.

As he passed the man, he cast a surreptitious glance at his nametag. Nicholas Midgen. Nicholas Midgen the therapist treating his brother. Treating his brother for an eating disorder. He shook his head.

He was at Sirius' door again, and he stopped. What should he expect? A fully healed, perfectly normal brother? Or a Sirius still broken?

Regulus didn't want to find out. He didn't like surprises; in fact, he hated them. In their home, anything unplanned was bad. Even planned things were often unpleasant.

"Excuse me, young man; may I help you with something?" A woman in Healer's robes stood next to him. She looked both kind and vaguely suspicious.

"Uh, no," he stammered. "I was just going to see my – my brother."

"Why don't you go on in?" she said, softening a little.

"I will…in a minute," he said haltingly.

She smiled at him encouragingly, but didn't leave. Sighing, Regulus took a steadying breath and stepped into the room.

Sirius was sitting up in his bed, staring at a book. However, his eyes had that glazed look that Regulus recognized as a sign of deep thought. He was slouching like he always did, despite of, or perhaps in defiance of, their parents long lessons on posture. The way he sat, Regulus could see his vertebrae poking up against the thin fabric of the hospital-issue shirt he wore.

"Sirius?" he said, voice cracking.

Sirius jumped. "Reg. Merlin, you scared me. What are you doing here? Are you okay?"

"What? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," Regulus said, confused. "How are you?"

"I've been better," Sirius said dryly. Regulus took in the dark bruises and jutting bones. He had to agree.

"Do you want to sit?" Sirius asked, gesturing at the chair Nicholas Midgen had occupied.

Regulus walked hesitantly closer and sat down.

"So…?" Sirius said.

"I just…thought I'd come to see you," Regulus explained lamely.

"How have they been treating you?" Sirius asked, skipping past the small talk. "Are you really okay?"

"Yeah…" Regulus said softly. "The first night after you left, Dad hit me –" Sirius looked as though he was about to speak, but Regulus plowed determinedly on. "Only once, because I gave you your wand. They've left me alone since."

"Alone like just leaving you alone, or alone like neglect?" Sirius asked, frowning while at the same time looking guilty.

"Just leaving me alone. They act like they always do. Dad's looking for a job, but he's having trouble finding anyone who will let him interview."

"Why?" Sirius asked, and Regulus wondered if he really couldn't guess.

"Because everyone knows you're here. They've all heard that you showed up half dead and said your father did it," Regulus said, the edges of his words sharp.

Sirius scowled. "First of all, I wasn't 'half dead' and secondly, I didn't say anything. I was unconscious, someone else took care of it," he said hotly.

"And don't tell Orion that," Sirius said after a moment. "I don't want him going after the Potters. I'd rather him think it was me. Got it?"

"Yeah…" Regulus trailed off. "Sorry."

"It's fine," Sirius said shortly.

An awkward silence fell. Regulus shifted in the uncomfortable chair, while Sirius fidgeted.

"I guess I should get going…" Regulus said, not looking at Sirius.

"Reg, why did you come?" Sirius asked, ignoring the attempt at a goodbye.

"I'll pack up your trunk and take it to the Potters' house," Regulus said, avoiding.

"Thanks. Why did you come?"

"Is there anything specific you need that I don't know about?" Regulus stood to leave.

"Mirror off the bedside table. Reg, _why did you come?_" Sirius asked again.

Regulus shrugged. "Just wanted to see how this running away thing worked for you."

"Why, considering it?"

"No."

"Then why, Reg? Do you have something to tell me?"

"Yes."

"Well, what is it?" Sirius was impatient.

Regulus shook his head. "Never mind." He couldn't say it anyway.

Sirius gave up. "Fine, then."

Regulus nodded, then stepped forward. He put out his hand. His sleeve slid up. Sirius looked at it, confused. A look of understanding crossed his face, followed by one of disappointment.

"Really, Regulus?" he whispered. "After all of it, that's what you choose?"

"I'm not like you, Sirius." He dropped his arm back to his side.

"No. No, you're really not," Sirius said quietly. "I would never join Voldemort. And I can't respect anyone who could."

"So then, this is goodbye." Regulus swallowed hard, feeling a lump rise in his throat. He never wanted to have to do this.

"Looks like it."

Regulus turned to leave, taking quiet steps across the smooth tile. He paused at the door, but didn't look back.

"Happy sixteenth birthday, Reg," Sirius said softly.

Regulus swept from the room without another word.


	72. Chapter 72

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Seventy-Two**

Sirius Black was in a state that he classified somewhere between shock and resignation. Regulus, his little brother, the one he had always worked to protect, was joining Voldemort. Regulus, who he had always thought was good at heart, was siding against him.

It made him feel ill. His lunch came, and looking at it made his stomach hurt. Guthrie LaFolle insisted he try to eat it. He swallowed exactly four bites before he jumped out of bed, ran to the bathroom and threw up. Guthrie LaFolle told him it was understandable and thanked him for trying.

James came in a bit after lunch. He somehow knew what had happened, but didn't comment much.

He tried to make idle talk with Sirius, but Sirius hardly heard him. He was trapped in his own head.

He finally noticed James' attempts when his friend playfully rapped on the side of his head. "Hello? You in there? Have you been kidnapped?"

"No, sorry," Sirius said. "I'm just thinking."

"You know, they say if you think too much, your brain can overheat. You'd better watch out."

"You'd better watch out, too. They say if you don't think enough, your brain will get too squishy." He grinned to show he was kidding, but James beat him over the head with a pillow anyway. Sirius hit him back, and they were well on their way to quite a good fight when a Healer walked through the hallway outside the door, noticed them, and yelled at them. Or rather, she squawked. Her angry yell sounded more like a noise from a surprised fowl than anything of real menace.

James and Sirius exchanged glances, barely able to withhold their laughter.

Still, it wasn't long before Sirius was deep in thought about his brother.

"Honestly, what is with you?" James asked, finally. "You're barely there today."

"My brother is joining the death eaters," Sirius said point-blank.

James mouth dropped open, his hand fell from where he had been 'fixing' his hair and knocked his glasses askew. He didn't fix them.

"Are you kidding me?" James demanded.

Sirius shook his head. "I wish. He told me this morning."

"Bloody hell…"

Lunch came again about an hour and a half after the first time. Sirius attempted it again, with about the same results. James got surprisingly quiet and sulky then, but Sirius was too distracted to dwell on it.

Guthrie LaFolle once again told Sirius it was all right, they could try again later, maybe after Gaspard Worple's visit.

All the Healers thought he was nervous about signing the papers. Which he had been. He had been so worried about it, wondering if he could support himself, wondering if he would have a place to live.

He knew the right thing to do was to sign the papers. But there was a very distinct difference between recognizing the right thing to do and actually doing it. Regulus was clear proof of that. And that was why Sirius would do the right thing. Because knowing it wasn't enough.

James left the room when Worple showed up, telling Sirius he was going to head up to the tea room and get something to eat.

Worple looked as flustered as he had the day before, but his voice sounded less stressed.

"Ready to sign your papers?" Worple asked.

"Yes," Sirius said firmly, almost defiantly.

Worple looked at him askance. He had expected more hesitance. "Right…how about we look at your assets first?"

He opened a file, handed it to Sirius. "Obviously you don't have to worry about money. You could have told me about that yesterday before I went digging through all that information," he said, annoyed.

"What?" Sirius said. He stared at the numbers representing his bank account, gaping.

"Your uncle left you quite a sum there, I must say. You'd probably never have to work a day in your life." Worple sounded so displeased that it was almost comical.

"I have money…" Sirius said, awed.

"Yes, _apparently so_," Worple griped. "Let's continue, shall we? I'd like to get home tonight."

"Uh-huh," said Sirius absently.

"The judge has looked over this, as well as the pictures _I_ took yesterday." He puffed himself up rather proudly. Sirius wondered if he shouldn't feel a bit proud to have produced such photogenic bruises.

"And?" he prompted as Worple continued to wait for praise.

"She thinks you've got enough of a case. Especially considering you'll be 17 in a couple months anyway." His voice thrummed with disapproval, as though Sirius was wasting his time when he'd be free soon anyway. Sirius scowled at him.

"So all you need to do is sign the papers. I assume you've read them over and wrote your statement?"

"Yes," Sirius said.

"Good." Worple picked up the stack of papers from Sirius' bedside table. "Shall we then?"

Worple flipped through the papers, pointed at the last page, first signature line. Sirius picked up a quill, dipped it lightly in ink. He let his hand drift over toward the line, but didn't set the nib of the quill on the paper.

He was about to do it, about to free himself. Forever.

He wouldn't be oppressed by his parents anymore, suffocated by their pureblood mania. He would be free to live how he knew was right.

A most monumental occasion, he thought. Hugely important.

"Would you hurry up?" Worple snapped.

Sirius sighed. This man had no idea the magnitude of the event he was about to witness.

He gently pressed the nib of the quill to the parchment, watching the satisfying black stain swoop into the delicate letters of his signature.

Free. Liberated. It was perfect.

"Did you put in someone for your medical proxy yet?" Worple intruded rudely on his thoughts. _Snap-snap, snap-snap_ went his briefcase.

"Yes," Sirius said, annoyed.

"Good. And the person signed?"

"Yes."

"Good. Then I'll be going," Worple said, snapping open his briefcase. The documents were dumped rather unceremoniously inside. He shut the case with a _click_ and picked it up. "They'll probably serve the order tomorrow morning." He got up to leave.

Worple paused at the door. "Congratulations," he said in a tone that, though not rude at all, still wasn't quite polite. But Sirius would take what he could get.

"Thanks," he said, grinning. Worple disappeared.

Sirius sat back, grin still affixed. Maybe Gaspard Worple couldn't appreciate the perfection of this moment, but he could. He reveled in it, letting it all wash over him. His signature on the papers. He wanted a copy of that paper to frame, to put on his wall, display for everyone today.

On this day, Sirius Black took a stand against his parents. And on this day, Sirius Black won.


	73. Chapter 73

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Seventy-Three**

James was sick of St. Mungo's. He was tired of its grey-white walls, of the dull, scuffed tile. It grew dreary, the way the corridors stretched into endless grey oblivion. He hated the scent, that medicinal tinge to the air that stung the nose and shrouded the mind. It was like inhaling the fumes of cough syrup.

But he would endure it. He would come here day after day to see his best friend in the hopes that his presence provided some sort of help to the healing process.

James kept a watchful eye on Sirius for the remaining seven days of his hospital stay.

On the surface, Sirius was just thrilled over his emancipation, over the restraining order that had been put in place. His injuries were healed, and it seemed everything was finally right with him.

Except that Sirius always sort of seemed okay on the surface, didn't he? All the millions of times he said he was fine and they believed him. James wasn't cynical, wasn't overly jaded. He was simply a realist. The emotions Sirius showed the world were rarely, if ever, the only ones he felt.

In the quieter moments, James noticed Sirius brooding. Noticed his friend stare sulkily at the window, noticed him chewing on his lip the way he always did when something was bothering him.

He assumed Sirius was thinking about Regulus. He wouldn't pry; it never did help, in Sirius' case. Besides, Sirius was already being forced to talk to someone about his problems for an hour every day.

James almost laughed at the thought of Nicholas Midgen. Midgen was absolutely the strangest person James had ever met.

He showed up every day fifteen minutes early, spending the time sitting in Sirius' room with the two friends, chatting about nothing in particular. They spoke of Quidditch and Hogwarts, of plans for the rest of the summer.

Midgen had really long fingers, which he liked to use to twirl his wand. It was a neat trick, but got a whole lot more interesting when he got excited about something, like a particular Quidditch match. When he got excited, the wand spun faster, and sparks began to shoot out of the end.

At this point, Sirius and James collapsed in a fit of laughter while Nicholas Midgen fumbled his wand, letting it clatter to the floor and roll under the bed.

It was quite odd, but sometimes James got the distinct impression that, during their conversations, Midgen was making mental notes to jot down later. It was slightly disconcerting.

Every day when it came time for Sirius and Midgen to speak alone, James would make himself scarce. He went and got food in the tea room. When he didn't want anything more to eat, or he ran out of money, he wandered the corridors, peering into rooms, looking for someone famous. So far he hadn't had any luck, but he was holding out hope.

When James returned to Sirius' room after Midgen had left, Sirius was always dead silent. He never looked up when James came in, never made any motion of acknowledgement. They always just sat in silence for a long while. James would pick up a book about Quidditch, wait for Sirius to speak. Sometimes he did, sometimes he didn't. Either way, James was waiting.

Dinner was always a bit of an ordeal. Sirius stabbed moodily at his food, while James watched surreptitiously. The conversation went the same way each night.

"You know they'll never let you out of here if you don't eat." James barely even looked up.

"I'm eating," Sirius said. Loud sigh.

"Okay, okay. I'm just saying."

"I'm trying, James," Sirius insisted.

"I know you are," James said reassuringly.

It took quite a while, but Sirius usually finished about half his dinner. It was good enough for James.

The penultimate night of July, Guthrie LaFolle swept into Sirius' room as Sirius was poking at the roast beef on his plate.

"Hey, good news!" LaFolle said jovially.

"What?" Sirius asked, not even glancing up, too preoccupied with shifting pieces of meat around his plate.

"We're releasing you tomorrow!"

_Clank._ Sirius dropped his fork. Slowly, he looked up to stare openmouthed at LaFolle.

"Honestly?"

LaFolle nodded.

"No, really?" James asked

LaFolle nodded again.

"Yes!" Sirius and James yelled simultaneously. James jumped out of his chair, unable to sit still.

"We've decided," LaFolle said, laughing, "that you've been making significant enough progress here that we think you'll be able to continue it as an outpatient."

James took in Sirius' ecstatic expression, grinning as widely as he could.

"You'll have to come back here to see Mr. Midgen each day for the next few weeks, or he can come see you, and we'll give James' parents your potions to give you. We'll still have you taking the weight gain potion, as well as the booster for your immune system…And you'll have to have a weigh-in once a week."

Sirius' face fell. "You mean, I'm still basically…" He trailed off, seeming unsure of words that would accurately depict his predicament.

"We can't allow you to fall back into your old habits, Sirius. You've made so much progress, you wouldn't want to waste it all, would you?" LaFolle's voice was kind, but serious.

"No…" Sirius mumbled, not sounding like he meant it at all.

LaFolle smiled at him sympathetically, and quietly excused himself.

James dropped back into his uncomfortable chair, studying Sirius' melancholy expression. "C'mon mate, you should be happy. You're getting out of the hospital!"

"Yeah, but I have to come back everyday! I might as well not even leave," Sirius said.

"But, Padfoot, leaving means they think you're getting better!"

"Then why aren't they letting me quit taking the potions? Why won't they let me live by myself?"

"You don't want to stay with me?" James asked, hurt.

"No, it's not that," Sirius sighed. "I want to stay at your place, it's just…I hate feeling like all these things are being forced on me."

"They just want to be sure you keep getting better," James said, softly.

"Why don't they think I can do it on my own?" Sirius asked, almost exasperated. He picked up his fork and stabbed it rather violently in the roast beef.

"You've come a long way, Padfoot. You got away from your parents, you survived all of that...are you really willing to risk dying from an eating disorder? Are you willing to let them win like that?"

"No," Sirius muttered. "No, I guess not."

James smiled at him a little. "Then take your potions. Eat your meals. And don't _worry_ about it. We'll get you healthy."

Sirius gave him a half-hearted smile in return.

"Now," James said, voice dead serious. "We have some business to attend to."

"What business?"

"Well, if you haven't heard, a good friend of mine is getting out of the hospital tomorrow…"

"Really? I _hadn't_ heard," Sirius played along.

"Well, it's true. And I think we need to do something to, shall we say, celebrate."

"I think you are absolutely right, Prongs, old friend," Sirius said, grinning.

"But of course, there's just one thing, Padfoot, mate," James said.

"Yes, Prongs?"

"Considering your superior skills in this particular area…you'll be writing the invitations."


	74. Chapter 74

**Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone**

**Chapter Seventy-Four**

He woke up in time to see the sun rise. He watched the fiery light melt across the smudgy wall and was glad he wouldn't have to look at those walls very much longer.

His insomnia was dissipating, finally. Nicholas Midgen had said it happened a lot with anorexia. He supposed sleeping was one benefit to gaining weight.

As it was, Sirius was able to go back to sleep after he watched the sun rise. He wondered if he would ever be able to break the habit of waking up when the sun did. He wondered if he wanted to.

When he woke up again, it was time for breakfast. He ate three-quarters of it. He wouldn't give them a reason not to let him out of here.

People began showing up around mid-morning. He always had plenty of company.

The party, if you could even call it that, was small. It mainly consisted of James and his parents, as well as Guthrie LaFolle, who was there to sign forms but readily accepted a piece of cake, and Nicholas Midgen who was there just for cake.

Sirius thought it odd that they would bring cake to the party of someone with an eating disorder, but he didn't comment. It was a nice gesture. He even ate a few bites of it, trying to override the guilt of it with the knowledge that it made his friends happy.

It bothered him anyway. He couldn't quit thinking about it. He glanced at Midgen, who was already watching him. Midgen nodded his head. He understood.

It was nice, having someone to talk to. Someone other than his friends, someone he could admit things to without worrying about his reaction. It was comforting, somehow.

Guthrie LaFolle signed the release papers just before lunch. The quill scraped across flimsy parchment, and then he was free.

Except that there were still rules. He was to keep eating. That was a given, but still worth mentioning. The thought of it made him nervous. Nervous, but not panicked. Not like before. He could live with it.

He was to come back once a week for a weigh-in. It was inconvenient and a tad bit loathsome, but expected. Once a week wasn't too horrible of an imposition. He could live with it.

He wasn't to take up running again. But that seemed remarkably acceptable to Sirius. His body felt stronger than it had in a while. He didn't want to be so weak and helpless again. He could live with this demand too.

Sirius went home with the Potters via the Floo network. Fast, easy, and he was away from St. Mungo's. It was almost anticlimactic.

"We made this room yours, okay?" James asked, waving his arm at the door across the hall from his own.

"Sure," Sirius said agreeably. He opened the door, and grinned.

Gryffindor colours adorned everything. It was comforting to realize that for once, displaying his house colours in his room wasn't taboo. Posters of his favorite Quidditch teams were hanging all over the walls, in a rather disorderly way, many of them quite crooked. Sirius assumed James had handled the posters.

His school things were there, courtesy of Regulus, he supposed, with a twinge of regret. He missed his brother. But he wouldn't dwell on it.

"It's _great_," he said happily, flopping down onto the middle of the bed, staring around at everything.

"I thought the 'Slytherin Stinks' poster added a certain something," James joked.

They went downstairs for lunch – peanut butter sandwiches. It was perfect, in some way, Sirius thought. He only had peanut butter at the Potters'. The first time he had visited this house, he'd had a peanut butter sandwich.

He ate slowly, and James tried not to be impatient. Sirius was trying, he was, and James understood. Mrs. Potter smiled encouragingly, and reminded him to drink his milk.

After lunch, Sirius and James played Quidditch.

"I'm thinking of being a Chaser next year," James said as he threw the Quaffle.

"Why?" Sirius asked, catching it easily. "You really aren't very good."

"Hey!" James scowled. He caught the Quaffle when Sirius tossed it back. He looked vaguely thoughtful.

"Are you going to go again?" Sirius asked, tired of waiting for James.

"If I'm not good at Chaser, maybe I'll be a Beater!" James said, flinging the Quaffle directly at Sirius' head.

"Reckon you'd be bad at that too," Sirius said as he ducked to avoid being hit.

"Yeah, but I just got a shot past you!" James yelled gleefully. "Chaser it is!"

"That's cheating!" Sirius yelled. "I thought it was supposed to be a Bludger!"

"It's a huge red thing; can't you recognize that as a Quaffle?" James asked. "You'd better get it straight before Quidditch season starts. Wouldn't want you trying to score with a Bludger, now would we?"

"If anyone's that thick, it's you," Sirius said, purposely throwing the ball far to the right so James would have to dive for it.

James lunged to the side, nearly toppling off his broom. He flailed his arms gracelessly, barely managing to stay on as the Quaffle dropped like a leaden weight.

"What was that for?" James demanded once he had regained his balance.

"Just making sure you didn't get any fancy ideas about being Keeper," Sirius said. "Because clearly you can't even catch the Quaffle."

"I can catch the Snitch," James said haughtily. "I don't need to catch a stupid Quaffle."

"Well, I can catch a Quaffle," Sirius replied. "So I guess we're fine."

James nodded. "Maybe we're good just how we are."

"I like to think so," Sirius said.

Dinner was tenser than lunch had been. It was less familiar, a little more tentative. Sirius found himself being utterly silent, poking his food, slowly eating it. He felt watched, and it worried him.

"It's very good, dear," Mr. Potter said. "Pot roast is my favorite." It sounded forced. Planned dialogue.

"I'm glad you like it." Also forced. How many times had Mrs. Potter made this exact meal? She knew Mr. Potter liked it. That wasn't the point, not tonight.

Sirius took another bite, thought about it. It actually was good. It tasted amazing, absolutely wonderful.

"It's great," Sirius said. "I can't remember the last time I've had this. I forgot how much I liked it." His genuine words sounded fake. Nevertheless, James' mother smiled at him. Silence fell again.

After dinner was consumed, a wand was flicked, and the kitchen was spotless. Practicality won out over tradition here – there were no house elves, none really needed.

"Thank you for dinner," Sirius said politely.

"You don't have to be so formal," James said. Sirius scowled at him.

"James is right, dear," Mrs. Potter said. "You live here now, there's no need to act like a guest."

"Okay," Sirius said uncertainly. He had no precedent for this. He glanced at James, and James got the message.

The two quickly made their escape, going out into the yard once again. The air was warm but not humid, thick only with the scent of summer and sunset and peace. The nearby trees collected insects that fidgeted and chirped, the sounds shaking the edges of silence.

Sirius sprawled across the grass, the blades smooth and delicate under his body. He listened to the insects, to the spattering of a nearby brook, to the sound of his own breaths.

James was next to him, and the two stared up at the sky, watching the day drain away.

"It's kind of perfect," Sirius said quietly.

"What is?" James asked indistinctly, half-lost in his own thoughts.

"All of it. Everything. It all worked out." Sirius sighed, almost content.

They fell silent then. Some things were beyond words. Sirius watched as individual stars began to peek out from under the cloak of black sky.

He let his mind turn everything over, process at the sluggish speed of summer. As far as he could tell, life wasn't perfect. It wasn't anywhere close. It was an imperfect world, full of imperfect things and imperfect people. And that was okay. It was okay that the world wasn't just exactly right.

He could accept it, somehow. He could let things be imperfect. He could even let himself be imperfect. Sometimes.

He would keep getting better. It wouldn't be easy, but it would be worth it. He would keep getting better and not just to spite his family. They wouldn't win, and that mattered, but it wasn't the most important thing.

What was more important was getting better for his friends. For the people who stayed with him, helped him through all the bad. He would get better because they needed him to.

It was more important that he heal for his brother. Because Regulus needed to see that it was possible to stand up for what you believe in. He needed to know that it was worth it.

But most of all, he would overcome his eating disorder for himself. Because he needed it. He needed to know that things could work out, that things could get better.

He let his mind take that point as he lay in the grass next to his best friend, feeling perfectly peaceful, staring at the stars. He let it the heat of summer warm him as the sounds of summer soothed him, and he remembered what it felt like to lose himself.

He looked up at the sky, and his eyes lit on the Dog Star. His star. And Sirius Black knew he was no longer lost.

**~The End~**

**Author's Note: **Thanks so much to all of you who stuck with this and kept reading. Especially all of you who reviewed so consistently. I really appreciate it. I never meant for this story to be so long, but I guess I got a little carried away. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I liked writing it. If there are any stories you'd like to see that are vaguely related to this topic, I do at least take into consideration suggestions, so it can't hurt to try. As it is, I'm looking for a new project. ;) Thanks again!


	75. Chapter 75

A sequel to Secrets Are Walls That Keep Us Alone, a prequel to Still Fighting to Walk Towards the Light, is now available - it takes place when Sirius is 20 years old, during the First Wizarding War.

It is available on my profile, under Not Through the Night.

Thank you all!

~procrastin8or951


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